He changed his mind about kids

[angtrp]

I'm not married, or engaged, but have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. We have a 10 month old together. At the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend said he wanted 2, maybe 3 kids. I've always, always wanted 3. When I got unexpectedly pregnant (was on the depo shot) he changed his stance to never wanting kids and thought I should have an abortion. He said he liked the idea of no kids and being able to do whatever we want. Pretty much since I got pregnant he's been talking about a vasectomy and just wants to focus on one child. But I really want more children, always have. But he doesn't. And we're stuck. We can't both win.

 

He wasn't very supportive during my pregnancy. He didn't tell anyone until I was like 25 weeks. He never wanted to feel the baby kick. When I was sore and could hardly move he didn't really help out. When I was laboring at home before going to the hospital he wouldn't hang out with me. He hasn't been a lot of help since bringing the baby home either. It's a bit of a fight to ask for help. But he does love our daughter, plays with her, has fun with her, etc.

 

That experience should make me not want more, and for the most part it does. But there is still the part of me that wants 2 more. Usually if one partner wants kids and the other doesn't you just leave. But we already have a child together so it's not that easy.

[Keenly]

Your boyfriend has the right to change his mind about kids at any time, and he has. You have the right to leave him at any time for that decision.

 

But the way you told the story makes it seem like you are resentful that he didn't match your enthusiasm.

 

If you want more kids, you're going to have to have them with some one else because he has made his decision and you need to respect it. Don't go trying to get pregnant on the sly, because that's dirty and underhanded.

[TaraMaiden2]

My own personal opinion is that this world is already dangerously over-populated as it is, and is running out of resources with which to sustain populations that insist on having children simply because they feel like it, for no good reason.

 

For your part, split up with him.

Kicking him out doesn't stop him being a parent, but will give you less of a dead-end lose-lose situation. You can ask and receive child support, but if you want more children, and he doesn't want to father them, then you resign yourself to either being a mum of one, or finding a new guy who shares your family values.

 

While his behaviour was certainly less than commendable, and quite obviously disrespectful and negligent, with regard to having more children, I'm on his side.

But you have no reason to have to be.

[Kamille]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you have any idea why he changed his mind? Did anything change in his life? Was it just that he felt the pregnancy happened too soon?

 

I'm also sorry he's not more present, helping you with the baby. I hope you have support around you in the guise of friends and family.

 

If you were to have more kids, would you want them with him, knowing that he isn't much support?

[angtrp]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you have any idea why he changed his mind? Did anything change in his life? Was it just that he felt the pregnancy happened too soon?

 

I'm also sorry he's not more present, helping you with the baby. I hope you have support around you in the guise of friends and family.

 

If you were to have more kids, would you want them with him, knowing that he isn't much support?

 

For a while we went through some possible fertility problems. I had some cysts that needed to be removed and my OB was talking about removing my fallopian tubes because of the size and positioning. So getting pregnant naturally wouldn't happen. I wasn't sure about IVF. We talked about not having kids but I was upset about that. He got use to the idea of none and that's when he changed his mind.

 

That's the hard part. Every single day I wish he was more supportive and present. He's been gone for a week on a vacation and it doesn't feel any different. It should be harder doing it alone (I have no friends or family within 3 hours). But it feels the exact same, he's just not home. It almost feels better. There is no stress or frustration with him not helping. But I feel like I'm already doing it mostly alone, I could handle it with another.

[angtrp]

Your boyfriend has the right to change his mind about kids at any time, and he has. You have the right to leave him at any time for that decision.

 

But the way you told the story makes it seem like you are resentful that he didn't match your enthusiasm.

 

If you want more kids, you're going to have to have them with some one else because he has made his decision and you need to respect it. Don't go trying to get pregnant on the sly, because that's dirty and underhanded.

 

Not every woman sneaks around and gets pregnant on purpose. It's not fair of you to assume they do.

[angtrp]

I get so jealous when I see other men being supportive. A friend of his was over a while ago and he wanted to take the baby, fed her, played with her, changed her, for 3 hours. I had weird feelings for him in that moment and for a couple weeks after that I don't have for my boyfriend. Still when I see that friend the feelings come back until he goes away.

[xxoo]

How is your relationship with him otherwise?

 

Before the pregnancy, were you two planning a life together long term? Was he a supportive, loving partner?

[Keenly]

Not every woman sneaks around and gets pregnant on purpose. It's not fair of you to assume they do.

 

I didn't say every woman did. But some do, therefore, saying it is warranted.

 

Its nice to see you wouldn't be one of those women, but it does happen.

[SoleMate]

You're home alone with your 10-month-old, and your bf is off on a 1 week vacation without you. (I was going to say "by himself", but then realized I don't know that.)

 

He wasn't very supportive during my pregnancy. He didn't tell anyone until I was like 25 weeks. He never wanted to feel the baby kick. When I was sore and could hardly move he didn't really help out. When I was laboring at home before going to the hospital he wouldn't hang out with me. He hasn't been a lot of help since bringing the baby home either. It's a bit of a fight to ask for help.

Sounds like he is not interested in being a family man.

 

A friend of his was over a while ago and he wanted to take the baby, fed her, played with her, changed her, for 3 hours. I had weird feelings for him in that moment and for a couple weeks after that I don't have for my boyfriend. Still when I see that friend the feelings come back until he goes away.

Because that friend does have interest in being a family man (not for you of course), and you, like most mothers, have an important emotional need for the father of your baby (or another man) to fulfill the role of family support.....emotional, practical, and financial. The friend was hitting 2 out of 3 and doing a great job at it and that's why you started developing warm feelings for him.

 

If your bf were being a great father, which includes taking care of the mother both emotionally and practically, you can see that this would greatly enhance your love for him. But he doesn't. Again, you're home alone with your 10-month-old, and your bf is off on a 1 week vacation without you. That's one of the clearest possible ways to say he doesn't want to be with you and the baby. If you were married, I'd suggest that you're a "married single mother". But you're not even married, so you're a single mother who has a man living there taking up the space of a father and husband without really being one in any significant way.

 

I would suggest, don't ask how to get him to agree to another kid. Instead, let him know you need a committed father and ask whether he'd like to step up. The answer will probably be No so the next question is how can you manage the permanent separation of your lives.

[angtrp]

How is your relationship with him otherwise?

 

Before the pregnancy, were you two planning a life together long term? Was he a supportive, loving partner?

 

I don't really have feelings for him anymore. The days that he is really helpful and supportive I do. But for the most part it feels like nothing. To him we feel like friends living together. I like the company I think. I don't want a broken home or to only see my child 50% of the time. We don't fight (never yell at each other) so it doesn't affect our daughter.

 

Before the baby everything was perfect. We talked about marriage, life goals, etc. We still do. But he has said many times that he feels stuck with me sometimes.

[angtrp]

You're home alone with your 10-month-old, and your bf is off on a 1 week vacation without you. (I was going to say "by himself", but then realized I don't know that.)

 

 

Sounds like he is not interested in being a family man.

 

 

Because that friend does have interest in being a family man (not for you of course), and you, like most mothers, have an important emotional need for the father of your baby (or another man) to fulfill the role of family support.....emotional, practical, and financial. The friend was hitting 2 out of 3 and doing a great job at it and that's why you started developing warm feelings for him.

 

If your bf were being a great father, which includes taking care of the mother both emotionally and practically, you can see that this would greatly enhance your love for him. But he doesn't. Again, you're home alone with your 10-month-old, and your bf is off on a 1 week vacation without you. That's one of the clearest possible ways to say he doesn't want to be with you and the baby. If you were married, I'd suggest that you're a "married single mother". But you're not even married, so you're a single mother who has a man living there taking up the space of a father and husband without really being one in any significant way.

 

I would suggest, don't ask how to get him to agree to another kid. Instead, let him know you need a committed father and ask whether he'd like to step up. The answer will probably be No so the next question is how can you manage the permanent separation of your lives.

 

He's on a vacation with a friend of his. They wanted to go alone for some guy time. I wasn't happy about it.

 

I hate that I have feelings for his friend (not the friend he's with). I've never had feelings for another person when in a relationship. But I can't help it. I just try to avoid him.

 

But I don't want to only see my baby half the time. My boyfriend said he'd fight for full custody. I'd rather be unhappy with someone as long as we don't fight than away from my baby.

Edited September 7, 2015 by angtrp

[JADIE]

I didn't say every woman did. But some do, therefore, saying it is warranted.

 

Its nice to see you wouldn't be one of those women, but it does happen.

 

It does still happen and I find it so disgusting. There was a mid-20s gal I worked with that was in a LTR with a guy...I don't think he had proposed just yet, but she thought she'd "help him along" by having a birth control accident. I could not believe she'd even admit that out loud, much less actually DO it. It backfired on her terribly and the guy dumped her forthwith. And demanded DNA testing as soon as the child breathed air. Of course this love of her life became the scum of the earth after, but I was astounded that a young professional woman would pull such a stunt on a man and expect him to "do the right thing" in an age where birthcontrol was so effective and available. And this was 25 yrs ago...I thought we had all evolved past those stupid antics eons before...as a professional woman myself, I could barely bring myself to speak to that girl after that, much less gush over her pregnancy and baby. Just ugh. But yes, there are still conniving women out there who will do it. :(

[anna121]

. My boyfriend said he'd fight for full custody. I'd rather be unhappy with someone as long as we don't fight than away from my baby.

 

And he would lose. I mean, that is an utterly transparent attempt to control and intimidate you. You might well have to share custody, but given his overall indifference (other than playing with her) it doesn't seem like you would have much competition over who would be primary caregiver.

 

You can't let his threats paralyze your choices. You have important differences with your boyfriend about essential life goals. And he is not a fully involved parent.

 

Tough choices, but being together in a hollow relationship will not be good for anyone. Inckluding your child.

[clam]

What is the friend doing, coming over to play with another man's baby while he is away on vacation? Perhaps the "friend" has feelings for you too? Seems a bit weird, him coming over, knowing you're home alone.

 

Regardless, I think it's time to put a fork in your relationship. Living like roommates won't cut it over the long haul.

[anna121]

My boyfriend said he'd fight for full custody.

 

Honestly, I wonder what his response would be if you said: You want full custody? It's yours!

[angtrp]

What is the friend doing, coming over to play with another man's baby while he is away on vacation? Perhaps the "friend" has feelings for you too? Seems a bit weird, him coming over, knowing you're home alone.

 

Regardless, I think it's time to put a fork in your relationship. Living like roommates won't cut it over the long haul.

 

He doesn't come over when my boyfriend isn't hear. You must of misread something. He comes over to hang out with my boyfriend, and always takes the baby right away.

[TaraMaiden2]

Honestly, I wonder what his response would be if you said: You want full custody? It's yours!

I was just about to suggest exactly that - you call his bluff.

Suggest you live apart, and if he threatens that, tell him to go ahead, you would be very happy with the occasional break!

 

Watch him pedal backwards at a few miles an hour!

[angtrp]

From what I've been told, the province I love in loves giving custody to dads to prove a point. It's not worth the risk to me. He could afford a really good lawyer, I probably couldn't.

[TaraMaiden2]

It still wouldn't happen - and even if it did, he would renege on it pretty quickly.

He has to have the continual, steady resources and wherewithal to be able to demonstrate that he is a fit, constant and loving father and can provide for her every need.

It's not purely a question of finances.

 

Please trust us - he would get cold feet, and do an about turn, quite fast.

His being able to afford a lawyer has nothing to do with his ability to provide for her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Look at your title: "He changed his mind about kids".

 

he'll change his mind about this too. You can't trust a word (or threat) he makes.

He has been a far-less-than-supportive father.

No way will he ever step up to THAT plate sufficiently.

[xxoo]

I don't really have feelings for him anymore. The days that he is really helpful and supportive I do. But for the most part it feels like nothing. To him we feel like friends living together. I like the company I think. I don't want a broken home or to only see my child 50% of the time. We don't fight (never yell at each other) so it doesn't affect our daughter.

 

Before the baby everything was perfect. We talked about marriage, life goals, etc. We still do. But he has said many times that he feels stuck with me sometimes.

 

Boiling it down, you two have a baby together but not really a relationship beyond that. Why would you even considering getting pregnant by a man you feel this way about, other than you already have one baby with him? That's a really poor reason to have ANOTHER baby with the wrong man.

 

You don't have feelings for him, you don't like the way he treats you, and you don't like the way he parents the child you already have. The fact that he doesn't want more kids is really irrelevant at this point.

[Kamille]

How often does he change diapers? Feed her? Get up at night to comfort her? Put her to sleep? Do the laundry?

 

Do you really believe he will wake up one day wanting to do all of that?

 

 

Since he isn't parenting very much right now, him saying he would fight for full custody does sound like a threat. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and of course he said he would fight for custody. They agreed to shared custody during the temporary separation agreement and he slowly found more and more excuses not to take the kids. She now has full custody and he sees the children once a week. They're still settling the final separation agreement but he's very unlikely to challenge her. She lives in Quebec.

 

I'm just saying, it's hard to imagine he would wake up eager to be fully responsible for your daughter when he hasn't been involved all that much in the last 10 months.

[angtrp]

How often does he change diapers? Feed her? Get up at night to comfort her? Put her to sleep? Do the laundry?

 

Do you really believe he will wake up one day wanting to do all of that?

 

 

Since he isn't parenting very much right now, him saying he would fight for full custody does sound like a threat. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and of course he said he would fight for custody. They agreed to shared custody during the temporary separation agreement and he slowly found more and more excuses not to take the kids. She now has full custody and he sees the children once a week. They're still settling the final separation agreement but he's very unlikely to challenge her. She lives in Quebec.

 

I'm just saying, it's hard to imagine he would wake up eager to be fully responsible for your daughter when he hasn't been involved all that much in the last 10 months.

 

He rarely changes her diapers, he never does laundry, never gets up at night with her (she's breastfed so he can't), and never puts her to be (again, breastfed and nurses to sleep). He rarely feed her. We skipped purees so she feeds herself or nurses. We don't use bottles, she uses a cup by herself.

 

She's not allowed to watch tv, he doesn't really care and puts it on when she's in the room. Her plays loud music in the car even though I say not to and turn it down. I don't want to damage her ears, he says it won't.

 

I hate the idea of being a single parent. Just the status of it, not the role. It would be really hard to find a man who is interested in that. I don't like the sound of having babies with different dads. Makes me feel sl*tty or something. I wouldn't have anywhere to go. The apartment is in his name, I have no family or friends within a few hours. Apartments are hard to find here.

 

The risk terrifies me. It's my baby. I've never been away from her, not for a minute. I know his mom would help a lot with her. And would be on his side.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I don't want a broken home or to only see my child 50% of the time.

 

 

 

I don't think you have to worry about a 50% custodial arrangement. I think he will be perfectly fine with letting you have the child basically 100% of the time.