He changed his mind about kids

[oldshirt]

 

But I don't want to only see my baby half the time. My boyfriend said he'd fight for full custody.

 

 

I'd rather be unhappy with someone as long as we don't fight than away from my baby.

 

He's is just saying that because he knows you are considering leaving him and he is threatening you that to keep you around. It is nothing but pure extortion on his part.

 

 

He is not paternal and he won't actually want any kind of custody at all if you were to split.

 

 

He is simply being an ass when he says that.

[oldshirt]

He doesn't come over when my boyfriend isn't hear. You must of misread something. He comes over to hang out with my boyfriend, and always takes the baby right away.

 

 

 

That's kind of strange behavior for a guy.

 

 

At least do a name search and make sure he's not on some kind of sex offender registry or something.

[lollipopspot]

I didn't say every woman did. But some do, therefore, saying it is warranted.

 

Its nice to see you wouldn't be one of those women, but it does happen.

 

No, there was nothing in her post that made that comment warranted.

 

Hey, don't rape women, Keenly. (Some men rape, so saying it is warranted).

 

See what I mean? To accuse someone without any indication that they might be someone who does something horrible really isn't warranted, and is more about the person making the comment and their general distrust of women/men.

[oldshirt]

It still wouldn't happen - and even if it did, he would renege on it pretty quickly.

 

 

.

 

Yeah, he wouldn't last one weekend with the child on his own. He would bring it back before the first night was over.

 

 

He is just blowing smoke to keep you in the house.

 

 

In fact I would be willing to bet the reason he doesn't want you to leave is because the court may order that he has to have it every other weekend and he doesn't even want to do that.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I hate the idea of being a single parent.

 

 

 

 

Hate to break it to you but you kinda already are a single parent. He's at least providing a roof over your head and nothing you've said so far indicates he's abusive or a danger to either you or the child but other than that, you kind of sound like you're on your own raising the child anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just the status of it, not the role.

 

 

you're already in the role. you need to evaluate whether the actual label is really going to be that much worse or not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It would be really hard to find a man who is interested in that.

 

 

your role at this point is to protect yourself and take care of your child, not finding another man.

 

 

 

 

I don't like the sound of having babies with different dads.

 

 

you need to worry about providing a safe and nurturing environment for this child before you worry about having any more!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Makes me feel sl*tty or something.

 

 

Your 'feelings' are actually kind of irrelevant at this point. your child's needs trump your feelings of sl*ttyness and like I said above, having more men and more kids at the moment is the absolute last thing you need to be worrying about. You need to worry about the here and now before you worry about more kids.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

responses in bold below.

[angtrp]

That's kind of strange behavior for a guy.

 

 

At least do a name search and make sure he's not on some kind of sex offender registry or something.

 

I think that's a bit overboard... He likes babies. He doesn't have kids and really likes them. My boyfriend has known him since grade school. He's a really nice guy. Plus, I live in Canada and we don't have access to lists like that.

 

 

He doesn't know I think about leaving. I have never said anything about it. When we've talked about custody it's a what if scenario. He said he'd fight for full custody because he wants to see her every day not only on weekends. So I don't think he's bluffing. I don't think he could handle more than a weekend, but I know his mom would help a lot.

[anna121]

From what I've been told, the province I love in loves giving custody to dads to prove a point.

 

As a lawyer in Canada.....

 

I highly doubt that.

 

You have to make the decision that you are comfortable with, of course.

 

But do not let yourself be distracted by such tripe.

[oldshirt]

OK now here's where things are going to get a little ugly and difficult.

 

 

You need to start making preparations and plans to raise this child on your own.

 

 

You picked a dude that made your jay-jay tingle and your heart go pitter-pat, but he is a bust as husband and father material. He may have had abz and gunz and made your girlfriends jealous that he such a hot, bad boy that they all had dreams at night about, but now you're faced with the reality that he is a dud when it comes to home and family and child-raising.

 

 

With guys like these it is just a matter of time before some other chickie poo that doesn't have the baggage of baby catches his eye and he is actually going to be the one that leaves you.

 

 

You need to be prepared for that. You are going to need to secure whatever assistance you can to ensure that you will be able to house, feed, clothe and provide the medical coverage that your child will need.

 

 

If that means assistance and support from family, then start reaching out and leveling with them that you are probably going to need help soon.

 

 

If that means public assistance then start learning the process and the paperwork now.

 

 

You are on burrowed time here. Guys like these go where the fun is and the fun ain't with some gal with a baby and a gal that is quickly losing attraction and desire for them.

 

 

My advice is consult a family law attorney now and start educating yourself on your legal rights and responsibilities and learn what options and opportunities you will have as a single parent with a deadbeat sperm-donor.

 

 

you've shown some fears and thoughts here that probably are not founded in reality. You need to start educating yourself on what things will really be like when you are on your own and find out what options and opportunities you will actually have and not have.

[oldshirt]

I think that's a bit overboard... He likes babies. He doesn't have kids and really likes them. My boyfriend has known him since grade school. He's a really nice guy. Plus, I live in Canada and we don't have access to lists like that.

 

.

 

Normal, single, heterosexual men do not play with other people's babies for hours at a time.

 

 

He's either trying to make inroads with you, or he is someone that you should keep an extremely close eye on and be ready to immediately severe contact between him and your child.

 

 

Is that judgemental and harsh on my part? perhaps, but I don't care. I'd rather error on the side of caution than for something terrible to happen.

 

 

Normal, single, straight guys don't want to spend extended amounts of time with other people's babies unless their is another agenda.

[oldshirt]

 

 

He doesn't know I think about leaving. I have never said anything about it. When we've talked about custody it's a what if scenario. He said he'd fight for full custody because he wants to see her every day not only on weekends. So I don't think he's bluffing. I don't think he could handle more than a weekend, but I know his mom would help a lot.

 

He may not know you are thinking of leaving, but he is surely well aware that you are quickly losing attraction, desire and connection with him.

 

 

He is probably quickly losing those things with you as well so he is well aware that you two splitting up at some point in the foreseeable future is a very realistic possibility.

 

 

The fact that you are even discussing custody arrangments and possible outcomes is a strong indicator of that.

 

 

Normal, healthy, stable, married couples do not discuss those things.

 

 

Anyway, he IS bluffing. he doesn't want to be involved with her now. To think he would go through all that turmoil and effort to have her fulltime is ridiculous.

 

 

And the issue of paternal grandparents is another reason why you need to seek counsel. Paternal grandparents do have grandparental rights. you will need to find out exactly what their rights are and what your rights and responsibilities are in regards to his parents.

 

 

You need to get educated very quickly here because things could be happening any time.

[angtrp]

OK now here's where things are going to get a little ugly and difficult.

 

 

You need to start making preparations and plans to raise this child on your own.

 

 

You picked a dude that made your jay-jay tingle and your heart go pitter-pat, but he is a bust as husband and father material. He may have had abz and gunz and made your girlfriends jealous that he such a hot, bad boy that they all had dreams at night about, but now you're faced with the reality that he is a dud when it comes to home and family and child-raising.

 

 

With guys like these it is just a matter of time before some other chickie poo that doesn't have the baggage of baby catches his eye and he is actually going to be the one that leaves you.

 

 

You need to be prepared for that. You are going to need to secure whatever assistance you can to ensure that you will be able to house, feed, clothe and provide the medical coverage that your child will need.

 

 

If that means assistance and support from family, then start reaching out and leveling with them that you are probably going to need help soon.

 

 

If that means public assistance then start learning the process and the paperwork now.

 

 

You are on burrowed time here. Guys like these go where the fun is and the fun ain't with some gal with a baby and a gal that is quickly losing attraction and desire for them.

 

 

My advice is consult a family law attorney now and start educating yourself on your legal rights and responsibilities and learn what options and opportunities you will have as a single parent with a deadbeat sperm-donor.

 

 

you've shown some fears and thoughts here that probably are not founded in reality. You need to start educating yourself on what things will really be like when you are on your own and find out what options and opportunities you will actually have and not have.

 

I have no plans to jump into another relationship. I don't want man after man coming into my child's life. I'd be very careful over who I let in. But being with someone would be a long term goal, as would more kids if I could ever trust a guy that he wouldn't be the exact same.

 

Our relationship was great before the baby, or I never would have been with him. I probably would have made a different choice with the pregnancy if I'd known this is what it'd be like.

 

He isn't a super sexy guy with abs, muscle everywhere. That is generalization. He is a normal looking guy. If he was the type to leave when he gets bored he'd be gone by now. Our relationship has been "boring" since the baby came. And there has been very little intimacy because I just don't want to. He complains about that. So if he really was the type of person you are claiming he is he'd be long gone or cheating. He pretty much never leaves the house unless he is going to work. So no he's not cheating.

 

I could afford to support us on my own, but finding a place to live is very hard. They go very quickly here or are very expensive. Like $1400 + utilities for 1 bedroom apartment. I cannot move because I'm in university in this city and the commute would be very long.

[angtrp]

Normal, single, heterosexual men do not play with other people's babies for hours at a time.

 

 

He's either trying to make inroads with you, or he is someone that you should keep an extremely close eye on and be ready to immediately severe contact between him and your child.

 

 

Is that judgemental and harsh on my part? perhaps, but I don't care. I'd rather error on the side of caution than for something terrible to happen.

 

 

Normal, single, straight guys don't want to spend extended amounts of time with other people's babies unless their is another agenda.

 

I do not agree at all. We can agree to disagree. Some guys do like babies. He doesn't come over just to play with her. He holds her while doing other things, plays with her in between things, etc. There have been times when he's come over and only held her for a few minutes if they are doing something. He really wants kids one day, says it every time he holds her.

[oldshirt]

I have no plans to jump into another relationship. I don't want man after man coming into my child's life. I'd be very careful over who I let in. But being with someone would be a long term goal, as would more kids if I could ever trust a guy that he wouldn't be the exact same.

 

Our relationship was great before the baby, or I never would have been with him. I probably would have made a different choice with the pregnancy if I'd known this is what it'd be like.

 

He isn't a super sexy guy with abs, muscle everywhere. That is generalization. He is a normal looking guy. If he was the type to leave when he gets bored he'd be gone by now. Our relationship has been "boring" since the baby came. And there has been very little intimacy because I just don't want to. He complains about that. So if he really was the type of person you are claiming he is he'd be long gone or cheating. He pretty much never leaves the house unless he is going to work. So no he's not cheating.

 

I could afford to support us on my own, but finding a place to live is very hard. They go very quickly here or are very expensive. Like $1400 + utilities for 1 bedroom apartment. I cannot move because I'm in university in this city and the commute would be very long.

 

 

 

This doesn't change anything I have said.

 

 

My advice is to recognize the instability of the situation and get yourself educated on your options and make some contingency plans in case things don't work out with this guy.

 

 

That is sound advice and the same advice I would give my daughter if she were in the same situation.

[Kamille]

From all you've said, it sounds like you're not ready to leave.

 

So next best scenario is that you two make your way back to a loving relationship. What would you need to get there?

[oldshirt]

I do not agree at all. We can agree to disagree. Some guys do like babies. He doesn't come over just to play with her. He holds her while doing other things, plays with her in between things, etc. There have been times when he's come over and only held her for a few minutes if they are doing something. He really wants kids one day, says it every time he holds her.

 

I'm not advising you to call the cops and accuse him of child molesting.

 

 

I am just saying this is very atypical behavior for normal, single guys and I am advising to be very vigilant and be ready to step in immediately if anything doesn't seem right.

[angtrp]

He may not know you are thinking of leaving, but he is surely well aware that you are quickly losing attraction, desire and connection with him.

 

 

He is probably quickly losing those things with you as well so he is well aware that you two splitting up at some point in the foreseeable future is a very realistic possibility.

 

 

The fact that you are even discussing custody arrangments and possible outcomes is a strong indicator of that.

 

 

Normal, healthy, stable, married couples do not discuss those things.

 

 

Anyway, he IS bluffing. he doesn't want to be involved with her now. To think he would go through all that turmoil and effort to have her fulltime is ridiculous.

 

 

And the issue of paternal grandparents is another reason why you need to seek counsel. Paternal grandparents do have grandparental rights. you will need to find out exactly what their rights are and what your rights and responsibilities are in regards to his parents.

 

 

You need to get educated very quickly here because things could be happening any time.

 

His parents are really nice. In no way would they try and take her. I wouldn't keep her from them and they know that. His mom comes over once a week for a few minutes to visit.

[oldshirt]

 

I am just saying this is very atypical behavior for normal, single guys.

 

It's atypical behavior for normal, young, single guys to want to change and play with and interact with other people's babies for extended periods of time (extended period of time being 5 minutes in my opinion, but that's just me)

 

 

However it is quite common behavior for pediphiles to ingratiate themselves into the home and into the confidence of a single mother and offer to help take care of play with and interact with the young child. That is a standard play right out of the Pediphile Handbook.

 

 

All I am saying is don't be naïve or ignorant. Be mindful that young, single guys rarely want anything to do with babies and that this is a ploy that many pediphiles have used in the past.

 

 

If something triggers your Mamma Bear protective instincts about this guy, don't ignore it or brush it off. Be vigilant. That's all I'm saying.

[oldshirt]

His parents are really nice. In no way would they try and take her. I wouldn't keep her from them and they know that. His mom comes over once a week for a few minutes to visit.

 

I'm saying educate yourself on what their rights are and what your rights and responsibilities are in regards to paternal grandparental rights.

 

 

Be prepared for a variety of contingencies. I'm not saying that they are going to come for the child with guns blazing.

 

 

I'm saying educate yourself, so you know for sure what your rights and responsibilities are.

[angtrp]

It's atypical behavior for normal, young, single guys to want to change and play with and interact with other people's babies for extended periods of time (extended period of time being 5 minutes in my opinion, but that's just me)

 

 

However it is quite common behavior for pediphiles to ingratiate themselves into the home and into the confidence of a single mother and offer to help take care of play with and interact with the young child. That is a standard play right out of the Pediphile Handbook.

 

 

All I am saying is don't be naïve or ignorant. Be mindful that young, single guys rarely want anything to do with babies and that this is a ploy that many pediphiles have used in the past.

 

 

If something triggers your Mamma Bear protective instincts about this guy, don't ignore it or brush it off. Be vigilant. That's all I'm saying.

 

I don't worry about it at all. He talks to me a lot about how my boyfriend doesn't help and I do it alone. If it comes up he brings it up not me. I won't talk bad about him to his friends though. He's just trying to help, he knows how my boyfriend is.

[angtrp]

From all you've said, it sounds like you're not ready to leave.

 

So next best scenario is that you two make your way back to a loving relationship. What would you need to get there?

 

I don't know. I'd need him to actually fulfill the father role like he should and do things for me as well. There is no give and take, he only takes. Just asking if he can get me a glass of water is like asking for the moon. We only do things when he wants to or he complains about it. I never even ask him for help or to just watch a movie with me because it's always a no. I don't know if he'll ever change. He wasn't like that before the baby.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm not advising you to call the cops and accuse him of child molesting.

 

 

I am just saying this is very atypical behavior for normal, single guys and I am advising to be very vigilant and be ready to step in immediately if anything doesn't seem right.

 

Actually, in my experience, it isn't atypical at all. I know several young-generation guys who absolutely adore children. One is a pediatric nurse, one is a midwife.

 

Yep, read that again. He's a midwife.

A damn good one at that.

 

In my opinion, such a suggestion is besmirching the good name of those guys who genuinely love kids, feel 'paternal' and enjoy the company of children.

 

Not all young guys who show an interest in the care of young kids have sinister motives.

 

On the contrary...in my opinion, to be perfectly honest, that is actually within the realm of older men....

 

Sorry to completely disagree with you OS, but this just doesn't ring right.

[angtrp]

Actually, in my experience, it isn't atypical at all. I know several young-generation guys who absolutely adore children. One is a pediatric nurse, one is a midwife.

 

Yep, read that again. He's a midwife.

A damn good one at that.

 

In my opinion, such a suggestion is besmirching the good name of those guys who genuinely love kids, feel 'paternal' and enjoy the company of children.

 

Not all young guys who show an interest in the care of young kids have sinister motives.

 

On the contrary...in my opinion, to be perfectly honest, that is actually within the realm of older men....

 

Sorry to completely disagree with you OS, but this just doesn't ring right.

 

A male midwife delivered my daughter and it was a great experience.

[oldshirt]

Actually, in my experience, it isn't atypical at all. I know several young-generation guys who absolutely adore children. One is a pediatric nurse, one is a midwife.

 

Yep, read that again. He's a midwife.

A damn good one at that.

 

In my opinion, such a suggestion is besmirching the good name of those guys who genuinely love kids, feel 'paternal' and enjoy the company of children.

 

Not all young guys who show an interest in the care of young kids have sinister motives.

 

On the contrary...in my opinion, to be perfectly honest, that is actually within the realm of older men....

 

Sorry to completely disagree with you OS, but this just doesn't ring right.

 

 

 

I have no doubt that there are some young, single, heterosexual men that love children and love to do things with them and pose no threat.

 

 

Unfortunately the bad apples out there make everyone fall under the umbrella of suspicion.

 

 

Again, I am not suggesting that she call the cops or accuse him of anything without any evidence of wrong doing.

 

 

I am just saying that a young, nonrelative male wanting to spend time with a very young child and who is wanting to change, feed, play with etc a baby/young child should be under the watchful eye of a parent.

 

 

Yes there are young men who love children and pose no threat. They are the exception however. most young, single, hetero men want nothing to do with babies that aren't their own or those of close relatives and anyone who does, should be monitored.

[sandylee1]

I don't really have feelings for him anymore. The days that he is really helpful and supportive I do. But for the most part it feels like nothing. To him we feel like friends living together. I like the company I think. I don't want a broken home or to only see my child 50% of the time. We don't fight (never yell at each other) so it doesn't affect our daughter.

 

Before the baby everything was perfect. We talked about marriage, life goals, etc. We still do. But he has said many times that he feels stuck with me sallometimes.

 

I don't think he'd even want joint custody and based on his current role in your daughter's life so far I'd say you can get full custody.

 

If a man says he feels stuck with you , then cut him loose. You'd be better off with a man who wants to be a father and you can have more kids.

 

Him going on holiday now says it all. Are you sure he's not cheating on you?

[sandylee1]

Quote from Angtrp:

 

He pretty much never leaves the house unless he is going to work. So no he's not cheating.

 

.

 

That means nothing. The number of men and women who say they're going to work and take the day off to be with their affair partners is high. It could be someone at work.

 

I've had a couple in the disabled toilets at work before now. They can sneak off to the car, take a half day off and go to a hotel.

 

Just because he's home after work, don't be fooled.

 

What about his holiday..another woman could be there. His friends could cover for him. I mean one guy had a threesome with his friend and his friends mistress - and yes, he knows the wife.

 

I'm not saying he's cheating, but don't think that's not possible.

 

BTW - The longer you breastfeed her, means he won't get full custody. Maybe now is the time to put a plan in motion.