Ok Ladies, I need your thoughts on this....Men, would like your input also

[Teag]

OK Here's the deal, My H & I are having MAJOR issues with this. I work Mon-Fri, leave @ 8am & come home about 6:15pm, off Sat & Sun. He works from like 11:30am-2:30pm & a few days he has to work split shifts & go back in @ 5 or 6 - about 8:30pm. Every night he wants to go out, literally 6 nights a week. on the days he doesn't have to work the split shifts he's home all day (if he his friends are at work) so he's home when i get home, we spend alittle time together then & we put our daughter to bed around between 8-8:30pm, I always read to her so I'm in there for an extra15 minutes or so then we give kisses & go to bed. My H usually picks up his friends from work, he gets off work @ 10 & instead of just picking him up & leaving he has to stay & hang out & never gets home before midnight & sometimes even later than that. This goes on at least 6 nights a week.

 

On the nights he works I keep our daughter up til he gets home(unless he has to close) & we put her to bed together & we normally get done putting her to bed around 9-9:30pm. On those nights I get to talk to him for about 15 minutes before he leaves. This has caused MAJOR problems. On the weekends I go & spend time w/ my mother and grandmother alot & gone most of the day. I don't go anywhere on the weekday hardly ever. I stay home w/ our daughter.

 

He absolutely does not understand why I get so mad at him for staying out all night. He says "well I've stayed home w/ you for 3 years now I have a friend I like to hang out with and you have a problem". Now this is true BUT when he use to stay home his best friend would be at our house 5-7 days a week, he practically lived with us. I hated this. He says well i sit home all day by myself (while I'm at work) & hate being by myself & like to go out sometimes.

 

Let me clear something up, I would not mind if he went out once even twice a week but NOT EVERY night. Our sex life is suffering B BIG time, we only have sex once every 2 weeks. Another excuse he comes up with is, well you'll be asleep so what does it matter if I'm home. I hardly ever go to sleep before 11 or 12 at night. It drives me nuts & he doesn't seem to care. I have cried my eyes out about this & it doesn't change. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Ladies- How would you feel about this situation??

 

Men- Is this how you would act, can you help me understand why he does this??

 

There's more issues but this is our main problem.

[Debster]

My take:

 

IMO, a marriage is not easy and it requires constant nurturing. You and your husband don't spend quality time together.

 

Therefore you're not nurturing your marriage and it appears as though you two have become more housemates and co-parents rather than husband/wife. It seems to be a factor with both of you.

 

Your husband wants to go out and do things. However, since you have a child - the only way the two of you can do that together is to get a sitter. So do it. I suggest that instead of spending most of your weekend with your mother and grandmother that you spend it with your husband and child. Invite your mother/grandmother to babysit on a Friday or Saturday night and you go out with your husband and try to reconnect. Then you can spend some time with your mother/grandmother on the Saturday or Sunday but not until you have spend 'couple time' with your husband.

 

Good luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't think this is your main problem. I think this situation probably stems from your main problem. Look at the symptoms:

 

1. He prefers to spend free time at night away from you.

2. Your sex life is dwindling.

3. You prefer to spend your free time on weekends away from him.

4. You can no longer effectively communicate your needs with one another.

5. The 'me' time that you both have does not work for the other, and compromise is difficult.

 

I don't think that solving this 'going out problem' would do you any good, because you'd just be treating one symptom of a greater problem, while allowing those underlying things that cause these symptoms to go unaddressed.

 

Have you two talked about some marriage counseling to reconnect and try to get your priorities matching again? It sounds like you are married, and you love each other - but you've lost the connection that allows you to genuinely like one another as people and want to spend time together outside of the times that you are obligated to spend time together because of various circumstances. It sounds like when you two get some free time for yourselves: you on the weekends, and him at night - you both find other things to do besides want to spend time with one another.

[New_Wife]

I think LB (I forgot spelling, sorry) hit the nail on the head. I can't state it any better than she did - so I won't even try.

[scarlyjones]

Hey LucreziaBorgia,...............you are TOO funny. I just LOVE you and your lists.

1

2

3

4

5

sooo cute....

 

Anyway,.....babyblue,...yeah thats a weird situation to say the least. Hard to figure out WHY hes staying out every night.

Doesnt have a CHEATING feel to it. Dont think thats it. But its funny how it seems like he is TRYING to stay out until after midnight. Do you think he is avoiding spending time with you on purpose?

[amy1975]

and that's why he acts like one. Always 'hanging' out with the buddies, or they are always at YOUR house.

 

That's just completely immature.

 

If he were a MAN, he would prefer spending the majority of his time with his wife and child. He apparently doesn't-and the WHY of it is irrelevant. He doesn't like you, doesn't like you and your child and would rathr hang with his friends. If he did, he'd be around more often.

 

Personally, I wouldn't tolerate this from my husband, especially with your work schedule. At least he could spend time with the child so YOU can have YOUR time.

 

He needs to grow up-

[tanbark813]

Well the 6 nights out a week is pretty excessive, but I don't think you can really expect him to limit that until you make more time for him on the weekends. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like you expect him to plan his schedule around yours rather than each of you making a compromise.

[Mz. Pixie]

I went through this- except it wasn't bar hopping, it was just being gone every weekend all weekend. That's why he's now my exh!

 

I got married because I wanted to spend my life with someone, not all by myself. I can do that on my own and not have to answer to anyone!

[Teag]

Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like you expect him to plan his schedule around yours rather than each of you making a compromise.

 

I am willing to try ANYTHING, For a long time I did nothing but stay home ALL the time. I didn't visit my family I stayed home, yet he always had someone over, I have just recently started going to spend time w/ my mom & grandmother, mainly b/c my gm has been fighting breast cancer & I wanted to spend as much time w/ her as possible in case anything bad happened. I made that mistake when my grandfather died & now I wish I would have went over there more & I don't want that to happen w/ her. The ONLY time I'm able to go anywhere is on the weekends b/c they live about 35 minutes away. He has SO much free time to do what he wants, I work about 40 hrs a week every week & he only works about 20 hrs a week.

 

and that's why he acts like one. Always 'hanging' out with the buddies, or they are always at YOUR house.

 

That's just completely immature.

 

If he were a MAN, he would prefer spending the majority of his time with his wife and child. He apparently doesn't-and the WHY of it is irrelevant. He doesn't like you, doesn't like you and your child and would rathr hang with his friends. If he did, he'd be around more often.

 

Personally, I wouldn't tolerate this from my husband, especially with your work schedule. At least he could spend time with the child so YOU can have YOUR time.

 

He needs to grow up-

 

This is how I feel, I try so hard to take care of my family & spend time with them both but it's hard when he's not trying.

 

Doesnt have a CHEATING feel to it. Dont think thats it. But its funny how it seems like he is TRYING to stay out until after midnight. Do you think he is avoiding spending time with you on purpose?

 

No he's not cheating I always know where he is, I don't think he does it on purpose just not to spend time w/ me, he says well you always go to sleep so why does it matter if your not going to be awake. I use to fall asleep, he's a night owl & I'm not anymore, I have to get up to early to stay up all night.

 

Have you two talked about some marriage counseling to reconnect and try to get your priorities matching again? It sounds like you are married, and you love each other - but you've lost the connection that allows you to genuinely like one another as people and want to spend time together outside of the times that you are obligated to spend time together because of various circumstances. It sounds like when you two get some free time for yourselves: you on the weekends, and him at night - you both find other things to do besides want to spend time with one another

 

I have thought about marriage counseling but nit is SO expensive ther is no way we can afford it, especially now that he works so little. We have lost the connection we had, we use to be the "perfect" couple, everyone was like I wish I had that, you two are so lucky you found one another, & it has been like that until about 8-12 months ago. Alot of things have happened to him this past year & I think alot of it has to do with that. Now it seems like he feels sorry for himself but won't do anything about it. I make more money in one week than he does in 2, & I know that bothers him alot BUT he won't do anything about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. He has COMPLETELY changed within the past year.

[Teag]

I went through this- except it wasn't bar hopping, it was just being gone every weekend all weekend. That's why he's now my exh!

 

I got married because I wanted to spend my life with someone, not all by myself. I can do that on my own and not have to answer to anyone!

 

 

The thing is though he isn't bar hopping he's 5 minutes down the road getting drunk at his friends house. He wants to stay Fu*ked up ALL the time. He has become an alcoholic to hide behind his problems. I have thought about leaving him alot, not just b/c of this issue but also b/c of others but I just can't bring myself to do it although I know it would probably be the best for right now, I just can't do it & I think even if I tried he would cry & begg me not to & then I would give in.

[blind_otter]

Does he have an alcohol problem? I mean, if he's at the bar 6 nights a week?

[Teag]

Does he have an alcohol problem? I mean, if he's at the bar 6 nights a week?

 

Yes he does have an alcohol problem but you can't tell him that, he doesn't think he does. But no he doesn't go to any bars he just sits at his friends house & drinks. He was never the type to go to bars or clubs, he doesn't like being around that many people that he doesn't know.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by BabyBluAngel

Yes he does have an alcohol problem but you can't tell him that, he doesn't think he does. But no he doesn't go to any bars he just sits at his friends house & drinks. He was never the type to go to bars or clubs, he doesn't like being around that many people that he doesn't know.

 

I'd say - there's your problem. He has an addiction, the addiction comes before everything else - that's what alcoholism is. Most likely if he addresses that issue, the other issues - spending time together, more equality in child-rearing responsibilities, etc. - will fall into place.

 

I think, at least. When I was a hard core addict I didn't care about anything but spending time with my druggie pals.

[Teag]

When I was a hard core addict I didn't care about anything but spending time with my druggie pals

 

What made you realize you had a problem? I can't seem to get in through his head that he has one. I don't want to have to leave him in order for him to figure it out, but I'm afraid thats what i'm going to have to do.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by BabyBluAngel

What made you realize you had a problem? I can't seem to get in through his head that he has one. I don't want to have to leave him in order for him to figure it out, but I'm afraid thats what i'm going to have to do.

 

Seriously? You probably won't like my answer.

 

I realized I had a problem when everyone in my family stopped speaking to me, my parents cut off financial support, I had no job, no place to live, lived out of a cardboard box in the back of my car, and slept on random couches of drug dealers/in drug houses. I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked awful, thin, drawn, huge circles under my eyes. I had no one to turn to. People in my family stopped enabling me. I've had setbacks and fallen off the wagon since then, but I've always started over from day 1 (re: coke)

 

Now I smoke pot, still. I tend to still go on alcohol binges every few months, but they are more and more manageable. I still go to counseling.

 

Honestly, IME, people don't usually realize they have a problem unless the consequences of their addiction become so severe that it begins to impact their life in a severe way. "things fall apart" as it were.

[Mz. Pixie]

Baby-

 

Yeah, the drinking at friends house all the time sounds like something an alcoholic would do.

 

Just as a note- I had a good friend I used to work with whose husband did this alot. Turns out the sister of the buddy he drank with all the time had a crush on him. Guess what was happening???

 

The thing is, with someone with an addiction you can't reason with them. They can only hit bottom and ask for help. Sadly, lots of them lose everything before they get to that point, just like Otter said.

 

He's neglecting you and your marriage.

 

My other question is why doesn't he have another job????

 

He BADLY needs something else to do besides run the roads all the time. He could get a second part time job if that's all he can get.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by BabyBluAngel

He absolutely does not understand why I get so mad at him for staying out all night. He says "well I've stayed home w/ you for 3 years now I have a friend I like to hang out with and you have a problem".

 

Ladies- How would you feel about this situation??

 

There's more issues but this is our main problem.

 

He acts as if he's 17. He needs friends every day. No mature adult person needs buddies around him every day and minds staying on his own.

Are you sure he is not latently gay? Running away from his wife and staying with a male friend all the time sounds kinda odd, I must admit.

This hanging out with buddies thing is also a matter of mentality and a certain group's life style. My fiance told me recently that his ex-wife would go out often and come back at 3 am. So I told him that I don't like going out anywhere without my partner and asked him if he likes that. He said he also liked going out with his partner and very rarely he'd go out on his own. Honestly, if he said that it's okay for him to spend one evening per week alone, I would be extremely bothered by it. I simply don't understand living in a marriage as if you're single. I am surprised you're okay with him going out once or twice per week. You're very tolerant in that regard.

You need to spend some quality time together. You definitely need MC, but if the sparkle is gone and the love is not there anymore, I don't see how things can be improved on the emotional side. Running away from the spouse is the first sign that something is wrong.

How old is your husband? What other issues do you have?

[lostinmyself]

Originally posted by BabyBluAngel

I can't seem to get in through his head that he has one. I don't want to have to leave him in order for him to figure it out, but I'm afraid thats what i'm going to have to do.

 

This sounds like the start of something all too familiar to me. My exH is an alcoholic ("recovering," as they say). I stayed 6 years longer than I should have for various reasons. I was afraid to be alone...I was scared...things will get better...etc. But in the end, all I did was hurt myself and my daughter.

 

After a year of numerous visits to hospitals and rehabs for the alcoholism, a suicide attempt and pnuemonia (because alcohol weakens the immune system), I was done....with no chance of working anything out. By this time, I didn't love him anymore and really didn't give a sh** either.

 

I'm not at all saying that you should leave him. We had other issues besides the alcohol and this is probably an extreme case example. What I am saying is that if you love him and want things to work out, this problem definitely needs to be addressed.

 

Let him know where you stand and what this is doing to your family and the relationship. If you can't get through to him, maybe one of his friends can. Perhaps you should look into some counseling and offer to go with him. I don't know where you live, but there should be various state/county programs that assist with the cost.

 

Good Luck!

[scarlyjones]

This changes everything...................(by the way,.....you should have included the alcoholic thing in your intitial post )

 

Yeah,............alcoholics are 150 times more selfish than the MOST selfish sober person. Anything and everything revolves around them. They actually plan there daily events around their drinking time. They seriously mean it when they say what most people joke about (Dude,..this is seriously cutting into my drinking time). They mean that sh*t when they say it. You dont like him drinking, right? He knows that. Addicts dont like to be around people who dog them for doing what they are addicted to. It takes away from the very point of it. So they go AWAY from those people. Thats why addicts go on binges. They leave their houses or apartments where their sober wives, Moms, Dads, family, whatever live,....and go off to the drug house or drinking buddies houses for 3, 4, or 5 days at a time. This is whats known as a binge. They escape reality and all the hardships it brings for a few days. Only they are even bigger a##holes when they get back because their neglected problems are even bigger now DUE to that very neglect. Then they drink more. Vicious cycle. Now,.....I know you may be thinking,..."Well, he's not THAT bad yet..." Yeah ,...........YET. As long as you keep accepting his apologies and fake promises of cutting down or quitting and letting him back into your lives...........he will continue to destroy himself and drag you and anybody else around him down with him. What you've been doing is called "enabling". You are allowing him to act this way. He sees no real consequences for his poor actions. It seems no matter how poorly he acts or how drunk he gets or how ever many days he spends away on a binge, he seems to end up angling his way back into the house and into your good graces until he gears up for another binge. And these binges will soon become closer together you will notice. I know all this because Im a recovering alcoholic of 15 years. Ive been sober for 1 year and three months now. I know the ins and outs of this awful and selfish disease. This doesnt mean he doesnt love you. It means he doesnt much love himself right now and booze is his means to escape that self loathing. But as long as his actions carry no consequence, he will never admit he has a problem. This is why you hear the guy who FINALLY kills a mother and her baby on the highway in a traffic accident had 3 or 4 prior DUI's before THIS one and you think "Why was this guy still driving?" Its because he refused to admit he had a problem and the fact that nothing life changing had happened yet simply meant he had no problem. Thats how these people get to the point of these needless accidents. I remember the days I spent drinking at my friends houses. I also remember the more recent days of living on the street and smoking old cigarette butts I found in the road and drinking 5ths inside dumpsters. Looking back, I now can see that even those times I spent drinking at friends houses,...while seem much more tame than my dumpster days,.....I STILL HAD A DRINKING PROBLEM and that was only a PHASE in my addiction career.

[RecordProducer]

Oops, somehow I missed the alcohol issue before. There are alcoholics and there are people with drinking problems, i.e. heavy drinkers. He might be the latter. An expert needs to talk to him. Just make him go and nothing else. You go with him. They will ask him simple questions such as how often he drinks, how much, when it started, how he behaves before/after drinking, etc. They will probably ask him to stop drinking for a certain amount of time (if they don't, you should) and that's the time when he will realize that he can't live without it. Basing on his answers, they will tell him that he does have a drinking problem.

A woman I know made her husband go to rehabilitation and he doesn't drink anymore. The problem was he was never at home and he cheated on her.

Tell him that if he doesn't stop drinking completely that you will kick him out. And mean it! The more you indulge him the further he will go with his bad habit.

[Teag]

My husband is 23, & there are other issues which is why I think he drinks so much. About a year ago his boss (wonderful man) got promoted & left the store my H was working at. Therefore they put my H is charge but treated him like crap & didn't pay him for the extra wrok he did, didn't even give him a raise. They went though about 8 managers (literally) while he was there. Back in October some guys were smoking pot outside in the back of the store & they blamed it on my H, his best friend & his bf girlfriend, when my H was in the office counting the drawer & doing the nightly deposit & the girlfriend actually took the complaint, so they all got fired. My H was out of work for about 2 months & we got really behind on everything. The store called him back 2 months later & literally begged my H to come back, apoligized & everything, so he went back only for it to get even worse. Finally he had enough & quit & was out of work another 2-3 weeks until he got the job he's at now, but they work him crappy hours & don't pay him anything either, so he's miserable BUT he wouldn't do anything to change the situation. (go look for another job ect..) Also, last June we were leaving walmrt & going through a green light & a lady pulled out in front of us & my H hit her, my H got out of the car & cussed her & she said WE ran a red light so my H got charged for it. (he hadn't been drinking or anything) Then about 2 months ago, we had an arguement & he left to go to his friends & he got pulled, they decided to search his car & the one time he didn't have anything on him they found a tiny bud of pot under the passenger seat of the car so they took him to jail & they charged him w/ 3 things, that same weekend he wrecked his car. He's had alot of bad luck, (mostly his doing) but he feels sorry for himself so hides behind his problems w/ alcohol.

 

He has become a shadow of the person he's become, we got our old car back (the first one he wrecked) & it has to have a new engine put in it & my car broke down this weekend, it just seems like everything is going wrong, nothing is going right, I can understand why he's so "depressed" BUT I've been through all the same sh*t & I haven't let it run me down, I'm still trying. He's completely given up.

 

I decided to write him a letter just b/c I can put write my feelings better down on paper than I can say them & he read it & I put in there, that iot seems like he's given up on life, therefore given up on us. (me & our D) When my car broke down & we spent $300 to try & fix it & it still won't run He kicked my car & said ya know in your letter you said I have given up, well your right b/c as hard as I've worked & as hard as I've tried everything has just gone to sh*t. We use to be so happy, had no money problems, could pay our bills everything, even had extra money to do things. But then his boss left(which was good for him but bad for the store) & things went down from there. I'm hoping since he got this new job things will start looking up for us & our (his) "luck" will change but I'm not really counting on it, there's always something. But I want to thank you all so much, you've all given awsome advice.

[scarlyjones]

Recordproducer,...........whoa!...........Im sorry, but you are WAAAAAAAAAAY off. There isnt a difference between problem drinkers and alcoholics. They are one and the same. I would looooove to hear your definition of each. "problem drinker" is THE definition of Alcoholic. And your friend didnt MAKE her husband go into treatment. If he made it thru and stayed sober, he did it because he finally WANTED to. I bet you think of alcoholics as skid row bums who live in cardboard boxes behind dumpsters with long dirty beards and are all male. Those are alcoholics that are at the bottom of the bottom. They all STARTED with homes,...with wives,...with girlfriends,..with jobs.............with just drinking at their buddies houses or at bars. They progressed to the stereotypical skid row bum you now associate with being an alcoholic. So,..Id do a little research before comment on medically documented subjects. So I would like to know. Seriously,...please indulge me. What is your definition of a problem drinker? And an alcoholic? Please,...tell me.

[blind_otter]

The point of alcoholics is that they drink instead of dealing with their problems. I am like that. I get stressed out, I started drinking and drugging (although my seizure disorder, which I developed in 2003, now prevents a lot of that crap...I can't do coke anymore, but I do drink).

 

I was depressed this weekend and spent 12 hours at a buddy's house drinking all day. Then I went home and puked all night and damned if I don't want to go out drinking tonight. Even though all I could eat was chicken and dumplings and a croissant yesterday. And I still feel like butt.

 

It's real common for alcoholics to blame their drinking on this or that life situation. Problem is - if it weren't job stress, it would be some other stress that would be the excuse.

 

Addiction is - an inability to cope with the normal stressors of everyday life. In order to cope, the addict seeks out their drug of choice to "numb" them to relieve the emotional stress that builds up internally. The key to ending addiction is to teach the addict healthier coping skills that they can engage in as alternatives to the destructive drug of choice.

 

I have my alternative coping skills, but I still fall off the wagon. But I don't have a wife or husband to attend to, long distance relationship dumbass that I am...which is why I was drinking saturday. Bored, no one to talk to, nothing to do at home, waiting for dishwasher to be delivered, sink full of yucky dishes.

[scarlyjones]

Otter,.......why the hell dont you seek treatment? Dont say it wont or doesnt work for you. Because thats a cop-out. If you WANT to get sober,...you can. In-patient treatment is covered by most insurance policies and if you have no insurance,...you can get state funded. There IS a way. Money should be no object when it comes to living and dying.

[scarlyjones]

Otter,.......why the hell dont you seek treatment? Dont say it wont or doesnt work for you. Because thats a cop-out. If you WANT to get sober,...you can. In-patient treatment is covered by most insurance policies and if you have no insurance,...you can get state funded. There IS a way. Money should be no object when it comes to living and dying.