dkeane Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 After three long years of being single, I thought I finally found the right man...from the time we met we never separated...only problem in our relationship is he kept online relationships with other women... I told him that hurts me ....he promised to stop...I found out recently he told a woman if he wasnt with me he would be with her, I was very hurt considering we are married... He says its not cheating, I say it is when you constantly try to pick up women online. He won't stop. Your opinions? Keep in mind, he's sick with liver disease and 95% of the time, he's in bed and I am his constant caretaker. I feel more like a nurse than a wife. But when he feels fine, he is online and distant to me, he even communicates with his ex's. Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Yes, emotional cheating is cheating. And, for many people it's even worse than physical cheating. A drunken ONS can truly be a mistake. Having an emotional affair is a calculated stab in the back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 I have serious health issues & I've spent years supporting others with degenerative spine conditions. Being bedridden can be incredibly depressing & I often recommend finding interests & hobbies on the computer BUT I mean research, interesting subjects, chatting with those in a similar boat NOT chatting-up & having EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS with people!! Yes! He is being unfaithful! Yes! He is having EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS! I'd be betrayed & heart broken. I'm so so sorry. If he's using his illness as an excuse. Tell him to find a major support group for his condition or chronic illness. There will be many online. I bet there will be many discussions on the boredom & depression subject. Contact a mod or supporter or post the 'How do I avoid boredom?' question. There are countless people around the world who are bedridden by illness. They DO NOT CHEAT on their partners. I advocate for the rights of chronic pain sufferers. Someone using their condition as an excuse to cheat, hurt, betray & cause emotional pain for the ones they're supposed to love is beyond offensive!!! Link to post Share on other sites
remorseful_tab Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Yes. It definitely is. He is using you as your caretaker but giving to other women what should be only for you. You deserve better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 I suggest you also find support, if you're going to stay with him. Being a carer is incredibly hard. It's a huge sacrifice, in my opinion one he's not worthy of! Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 I'm sorry. I posted a reply but it's not here now. I wonder if I did something wrong & it's been removed?? Yes! He is cheating on you! I talked about my experience with supporting people with chronic pain & degenerative spine issues. Maybe that's what I did wrong? Let me just say I know many people in your H position & they don't cheat for entertainment! It's wrong! Even if he's bed ridden its still cheating. I'm so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 If my post was removed how do I find out why? I don't want to make the same mistake again. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Being ill does not give him the right to be unfaithful. And make no mistake about it, engaging in online chats with other women including telling them he would be with them if he was not with you is WRONG. Lying to you about this is even worse. Why do you think he is the man for you? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Was he sick when you met or has this come-on suddenly? Other than having a free live-in nurse has his life changed very much since becoming married? Being sick is VERY hard but it does NOT give a person permission or an excuse to hurt the people they're supposed to love. What are YOU getting from this marriage? It doesn't even sound like he's good company! I'm so sorry this hasn't turned out the way you dreamed. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted September 7, 2015 Share Posted September 7, 2015 Yes, this is cheating. You cannot be his caretaker if he continues this abusive behavior. And sadly, you cannot continue a relationship with someone who does this unless they understand why it's wrong and take steps to change their behavior. If I were in your shoes, OP, this would mean separation. Immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 It's certainly not honoring the traditional vow to forsake all others. Will he go to MC with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Tobin Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 He's sick 95% of the time and you tend to his every need, and when he's well, he's seeking out the attention of other women. I don't know, it just doesn't seem fair for some reason. I'd even go so far as to tell you to consider the distinct possibility that he's using you. Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 After three long years of being single, I thought I finally found the right man...from the time we met we never separated...only problem in our relationship is he kept online relationships with other women... I told him that hurts me ....he promised to stop...I found out recently he told a woman if he wasnt with me he would be with her, I was very hurt considering we are married... He says its not cheating, I say it is when you constantly try to pick up women online. He won't stop. Your opinions? Keep in mind, he's sick with liver disease and 95% of the time, he's in bed and I am his constant caretaker. I feel more like a nurse than a wife. But when he feels fine, he is online and distant to me, he even communicates with his ex's. Whether it is cheating or not, does not matter, it is absolutely bothering you. And I suspect that you along with a majority of people would consider it cheating. THAT is the only thing that matters. What he thinks of it, not so much. Communicating with other women, and exes, are huge red flags. It signals that he is seeking for emotional satisfaction elsewhere. What other reason other than kids, would you have? Listen to your gut, even moreso, listen to your brain. It probably tells you all you need to know. You control how others treat you, remember that. Good luck with your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
freebird31 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 How unfair to you, you do deserve so much better. It doesnt matter if its considered "cheating," "emotional cheating," the point is he is disrespecting you all whilst you are his caregiver, how selfish. You deserve a lot better than this Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 After three long years of being single, I thought I finally found the right man...from the time we met we never separated...only problem in our relationship is he kept online relationships with other women... I told him that hurts me ....he promised to stop...I found out recently he told a woman if he wasnt with me he would be with her, I was very hurt considering we are married... He says its not cheating, I say it is when you constantly try to pick up women online. He won't stop. Your opinions? Keep in mind, he's sick with liver disease and 95% of the time, he's in bed and I am his constant caretaker. I feel more like a nurse than a wife. But when he feels fine, he is online and distant to me, he even communicates with his ex's. Sorry to say this...but that's EXACTLY what you are to him. He needs a person to look after him when he's sick, but then gets his rocks off with other women online when he's better instead of giving you attention. Nice. I would have been long gone. He isn't showing you any respect at all, he knows it hurts you yet carries on doing it. Are you just going to take it? You have been single for a while, do you feel like he is all you deserve? As for your question, YES it is cheating. My question to you is...are you going to put up with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Yes. It definitely is. He is using you as your caretaker but giving to other women what should be only for you. You deserve better. This. Right. Here. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 (edited) After three long years of being single, I thought I finally found the right man...from the time we met we never separated...only problem in our relationship is he kept online relationships with other women... I told him that hurts me ....he promised to stop...I found out recently he told a woman if he wasnt with me he would be with her, I was very hurt considering we are married... He says its not cheating, I say it is when you constantly try to pick up women online. He won't stop. Your opinions? Keep in mind, he's sick with liver disease and 95% of the time, he's in bed and I am his constant caretaker. I feel more like a nurse than a wife. But when he feels fine, he is online and distant to me, he even communicates with his ex's. Can I just ask why you think it's in ANY way acceptable to be with someone who thinks SO little of you that you actually have to request that he knock off his flirtations with other women? Why do you disrespect yourself THAT much? If your nasty ass arrogant husband is dependent on you to do everything but wipe his ass for him (unless you do that too) 95% of the time, one would think he'd be a little more humble. Since he's not humble - at ALL - and instead is acting like an arrogant ash*le, I'd divorce his sorry ass yesterday and tell him to google "hospice' since he has all day to be on the internet. Maybe he can squeeze his hospice research in between hitting on women in the "Spank Me Mommy!!" chatroom. Gag. Edited September 8, 2015 by Lois_Griffin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 You've cross-posted this in two different areas here. I answered on your other thread. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Moderation merged two threads on a similar topic and that topic may be continued here. There may be some duplication of content. The only post moderation removed was a duplicate from the thread starter. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 OP It's not acceptable and I'd feel used if I were you . Would he feel okay if you did the same? Because if you did, chances are you'd become very connected with another man and fall in love and leave your H. I wonder if he'd still think it was okay and not cheating then. His behaviour will drive you to despair and make you feel so neglected, that you also seek comfort because of his actions. He's playing with fire and it could end up very badly for him. It's not an excuse, but he needs to get a grip or risk loosing you. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Being very sick & incapacitated in anyway long term takes its toll. I've spoken with many people in a similar situation to your H. Some of these people are the bravest, strongest, most principled people I have ever met. Others, I'm sorry to say, become very selfish & entitled. I guess some of us in life wonder what we did to 'deserve' our life when it goes bad. Some of us throw blame & 'it's not fair!' around. Some of us do a little of both above & then accept that many things in life are beyond our (or anyone else's) control. Grab life & treasure it! I'm a mother of 2 young children. I have a severely degenerative spine & live in unrelenting pain 24/7. I have other health issues including cancer now. Do I have the right to trample on the hearts of people around me? Does my misfortune (genetics) give me permission to do whatever I want & damn the consequences? Do I have the right to neglect & betray my H & children? I'm lucky!! There are people living with far harder things than me. They, as I said, are wonderful, kind people. If you for whatever reason feel happy being a carer. Find fulfillment in being needed to such an extreme. The world is full of more deserving people than your H. Did you meet as an online 'friend'? I fear that 'flirtation' has become his coping mechanism. It will be as hard an addiction to kick as any narcotic! He feels entitled & justified. I don't think he's worth the battle. Only if he truly wants to break this addiction can he move forward. Is he waiting for a transplant? Is there a chance of recovery? I fear he will be even worse once he's up & about more!! Many reasses their lives for the worse after a close call. Be worried! Why are you doing this to yourself? You don't need to answer that. Think long & hard though. You are worth more than this. I wish you were giving to someone far more deserving! Link to post Share on other sites
healingsoul Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I really do hurt for you. A person does not have to have a face-to-face relationship with another person for it to be an emotionally involved intimate relationship. When a person is married, he/she should be loyal to their spouse and all other relationships should be platonic. I have been married 31 years, and while not many people do this, my husband and I do not have private friends of the opposite sex. We made this decision when we were first married so that we couldn’t just ‘stumble into an affair’. I have lots of conversations with men but only in public or if my husband is around. I would never communicate back and forth with a man and I would not want my husband to have any private relationships with woman. You have some unique challenges with your husband’s illness, but even in the best of circumstances, marriages are very fragile and take a lot of work to keep strong and healthy. Has he ever been open to talking to someone outside of your marriage, like a counselor, since you say he wont stop? Have you talked to him about this yet? Link to post Share on other sites
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