I have lost my first true love/best friend

[Hipster_22]

I have seen a few posts about losing their dream girl and after reading lots of pages of advice on how to deal with this online, to no avail, I thought I would give it a go to talk about my own situation here.

 

I’m 20 years old, male. British Muslim living in the UK (Pakistani father, British mother). Ethnic origin is important to remember in my story. Average height, around 5ft 7”. Decent looking person I guess, nothing special but not horrid either. Never been in any real relationships, just silly ones during school years.

 

So, the story. Around 4 and a half years ago (I was 16 at the time) I met a girl on Facebook and immediately we clicked. We would talk all the time and talk all day, every day. We were just getting closer and closer all the time, spending all night talking and also phone calls into the early hours of the mornings were regular. We were best friends and of course feelings started to develop both ways. However, she always said that she didn’t want a relationship because it would be a distraction to her life and also it would be stressful as she didn’t want to tell her parents about it (relationships are much different in our culture, as they don’t really exist really. it’s always pushed towards marriage rather than a relationship. Her parents would pressure her a lot too as she is the girl; they always get it worse in love situations, and in most other situations too to be honest). But she did say that she liked me too and maybe once we were a little older, if we were still close, then she would be open to a relationship leading to marriage. Of course I wanted a relationship now, but I was willing to wait, although sometimes I would be a little impatient and maybe try to encourage her a little when she wasn’t 100% comfortable. But it wasn’t nothing too serious, I would just encourage I wouldn’t be over dramatic about it or force it and she would always say the same thing “be patient!” so then I just accepted it and I said I won’t say anything about it and just wait.

 

So we were getting closer and closer and we went on like this until around January of this year. And then suddenly everything changed. We were talking less and she would talk to me like she wasn’t interested. She said it was due to her being stressed about her exams (which I said is fine) and that we would just talk every so often and not all the time. But over time she would just start to ignore me. I asked what was wrong, she said she just needed space, so I said that’s fine when you’re free and want to get away from studying stress, come and speak to me and I will be here. I never spoke to her first unless she wanted to talk. But even when she was speaking to me she would ignore my messages or reply really dryly (we didn’t see each other much, due to the culture thing stated earlier, so texting/whatsapp was our main way of contact). I was confused as to why she was doing that and I was always asking her what was wrong but she would then say it’s just me and she hasn’t changed with me and she would say that it’s my feelings that are making me feel like this, which was true to a certain extent, but there was definitely a change in her. This change kept getting worse and worse, I was getting ignored more and more often, until around May time when it just got to a new level. I was getting really upset by this point but I was willing to stick through it and just come out it the other side with her.

 

From May time, as we kept on slowly drifting further and further apart, I was getting more and more confused. I wasn’t sure what happened and I kept asking her if she still wanted to be friends because it felt she was toying with me, essentially, and it wasn’t a nice feeling. She would say yes but then still continue to ignore me. This cycle would just continue. I then thought maybe something happened in-house which she didn’t want to talk about (she was sometimes difficult to open up in situations like this). She would always say nothing happened at home (she did eventually tell me, which will come up later on). I had a hunch there was something else going on but she would always say no.

 

So eventually, around a month ago she did say there was something else on her mind but didn’t want to tell me because she was scared that I would never speak to her if I found out and I would hate her for it. I don’t understand why though, we would share everything together and I would always be there for her, even though whenever I was going through a rough time she would sometimes still ignore it (she thought ignoring it and just leaving me to feel better on my own was the way to do it, which it really isn’t). This is the reason why I would ask her if she still wanted to be friends and wanted me in her life, because after everything I ever did for her she would treat me and speak to me like she didn’t. I had taken it for so long as it was but how much longer was I to take it for? I had to say something.

 

Eventually she did tell me what was on her mind (I will not say what it was, I said I wouldn’t tell a soul). It was really bad and would tear the family apart and cause divorce. It will bring shame on her family if/when any of the other family found out. I don’t know how they will deal with it in the end. Anyway, I said that nothing had changed between us. I thought nothing less of her and I still loved her with all my heart despite her thinking otherwise. I was supporting her through it (when she actually spoke to me about it) and was helping her through it all. It was really tough for her and I said that I will always be there for her. I was the only one who she spoke to about it, even when her own family would talk about it she would just refuse to talk and walk away. I told her to stop doing that and to open up, it will only help in the long run and her family will be there to support her as well as myself. She didn’t listen and said that she just wanted to concentrate on becoming close again as I was the one who would get her away from any stresses she had. Yet she still continued to ignore me.

 

So last week I asked her for the 100th time, “Do you still want me in your life?” She said yes. “Then please stop ignoring me and talk to me.” It was a big message, as was every other one, and I said it this time in an ultimatum-type way, because this whole thing had been affecting my own life too. I understand that she was going through a tough time but I was there to help whenever she wanted to talk to me about it or anything else. To ignore me and treat me the way she did was unfair. I didn’t do as well in university as I wanted due to my worry for our friendship and I was losing a lot of sleep stressing over it. I wasn’t eating properly either, my whole life was turned upside down. Not only since last month, but from January time when this all started. I was just getting worse over time until the lowest point last month.

 

After my last reply, she never said anything. A few days ago, her friend told me that she had had enough and didn’t want to speak to me again. I was asking, begging for another chance. She said no and I had to leave her alone and then she went on to block me on all social media, whatsapp etc.

In that moment I had not only lost my first true love, I lost my best friend. We were genuinely so close, as close as you can be with someone, and I truly thought that she was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. I done everything for her, I sacrificed so much for her, and she had made sacrifices when we were close too.

 

Did I do anything wrong? I just wanted to know what she truly wanted from me, but every time I asked her she would just argue with me then say she wanted me in her life but didn’t show it. I had to say something to her, I was getting myself into a terrible state. If she really wanted to become close like she said whenever I asked her, why didn’t she stop ignoring me? And if she didn’t want me in her life anymore why did she not just tell me sooner rather than drag it on for so long and confuse me like this? I know she had a lot going on but I was prepared to do anything for her and she knew this, but she seemed to just reject me away. Despite this, despite all the arguments and fallouts we had during this year, I would do anything to get her back, to try and get it back to how she was before this. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not only did she have the best personality, she was so beautiful too. She was my everything, my whole world. And now I have to live with the fact that she is gone. I don’t know if she will ever come back, I have a glimmer of hope that she will, we were too close for it to end the way it did. I really want to go and see her and ask if she wants to try again but everyone I have spoken to says give her some time, if she wants to come back she will but if I go and seek her out then there really will be no chance in the future, which is true. But either way I am an absolute mess. I have had such little sleep since she said that I have to leave her alone and every time I try and eat I am almost vomiting. I feel like my whole life is ruined and I miss her like nothing else. I have never felt so low in my life, I feel like I am never going to be happy again.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry for your pain, OP. It is clear you are very hurt.

 

Without knowing the details of what she revealed to you, it's difficult to give you advice on how to proceed. Having said that, she obviously doesn't want any contact right now.

 

I doubt she will stay off the radar forever. But you need to take big step back and consider that she never made any promises to you of anything more than friendship. I understand you had a very close connection but she wasn't willing to take it further. When she started getting distant and you started pushing, it likely irritated her and compounded whatever stress she was already dealing with.

 

Having said that, I don't think you were wrong to ask her if she still wanted you in her life. She was sending some mixed signals so your confusion is understandable. But it's important to pay attention to people's actions, rather than their words. Her actions indicated she needed space from the friendship. Use that as your cue moving forward. Do not go and see her. She will not appreciate it.

 

Also, it is never a good idea to make one person the centre of your whole world. That type of attachment isn't healthy and it makes you far too dependent on the other person. You lost yourself in this. That isn't her fault. You need to get yourself centred again and slowly you will start to feel better. Get to know your own interests and goals again. Your world shouldn't ever have revolved around her. I have a feeling she won't keep you blocked forever. She's clearly upset right now but I don't think this is very last you will ever hear from her. However, you need to take some space too. You seem to have invested far more in this friendship than she did. Give yourself some time away from her and recognize that her reaction to you isn't a reflection of your self-worth.

[Hipster_22]

I don't want to say what she told me, I promised that I wouldn't tell anyone and I want to keep that promise.

 

I think you're right, I wanted the relationship to happen when she didn't. Not at that time anyway. Maybe I did push her towards that without knowing I was. But she was always sending mixed signals and sometimes talking to me like we were already in one. That's what I don't understand, she said she needed space, but then would talk to me first and then ignore me. And this continued for months on end.

 

She sounded quite final when she said she didn't want to speak to me again and she doesn't change her mind very often. Having said that though, the only person that could change her mind was myself. And like I said we were just too close for it to end like it did. You may be right, she might just need to get her head straight and then come back with a clear mind. There's something in me that just can't let go of that glimmer of hope. But I need to try and move on though in case she doesn't, as difficult as it will be. At least then I won't be disappointed if she doesn't speak to me again. It will be more of a pleasant surprise if she does.

 

Yes I think I did lose myself in all this. I was blind of everything else and I would prioritise her over everything when I should have stepped back and got on with my own life. I got way too attached. It's just the type of person I am though, I always put people before myself and I think that is a problem. I need to understand that I am important too and I should make time for myself and my own life. I always think that other people's happiness is more important than my own.

 

I will take your advice and not go and see her. You're right, I need to give her space and time. Now I just need to try and move on but it's so difficult. I'm trying to distract myself and keep my mind occupied but it's not working. I have to force myself to do things even though I really don't want to. I still can't eat and sleeping is impossible. It's as if she's just camped in my mind. I can't bring myself to delete pictures and memories and to throw out the stuff lying around my room reminding me of her either. I still feel really horrible about the whole thing.

[theredpill]

You're young, this happens to us all so don't worry dude, your pain will heal - leave her alone and work on getting back to a healthy state of mind, when you're hurting like this, you literally can't think rationally. You'll learn this skill as you grow and experience change in your life, consider this one as your first, albeit tough lesson in personal growth and you'll come out a better version of you

 

 

You'll come back here in a year and face palm yourself, promise you

 

 

Always love yourself more dude, respect and admire yourself, but be humble with it, even though you're a fooking legend and never, ever, put anyone else on a pedestal, just you because that way you'll be happy and capable of giving your best to someone, someone who deserves it.

[Hipster_22]

You're right theredpill, I need to just try and move on taking the lessons I have learned along with me. You guys are right, I was in too deep. I prioritized her life over my own when I should have got on with my own life as she was doing. But by that time I was already too attached, my mind was fixated on her and her alone and I was oblivious to everything else around me.

 

I understand she never made any promises about a relationship but the way she was with me, she was acting and talking like we were in one already. We would hold hands and cuddle up all the time and it was usually her doing it to me. There were just so many different signals and my mind was just getting boggled by it all but because of how much i was dependent on her I never took notice and when i tried to, by asking her if she still wanted me in her life, it was too late as I was already too attached.

 

Another way to look at it is if I had the same family problem and was being like this with her. Would she have stuck around like I did or would she have left me? Hypothetical I know, but she probably would have probably left me at some point. Whenever I did feel down, for whatever reason, she would usually just leave me and let me get better on my own. She wouldn't try to and help me. Yes sometimes this was good having some space, but sometimes I just needed an arm around me for some support. But sometimes she wasn't there for me, even before all of this.

 

I need to move on. Even if I still have hope that she will come back, I still need to move on. I can't sit and dwell on that hope forever, or else it will turn to expectation and if she doesn't speak to me again then I will just be back to square one. Whereas if I have moved on it won't make any difference to me if she doesn't. I don't think I will ever get 100% over her, I don't think anyone can ever get over any love, no matter how long ago it was. I will always have some feelings for her and miss her, but over time that will just be buried deeper and deeper away, but will never disappear fully but by then I will be fine.Whenever i look back I'll just say to myself "that ship has sailed".

 

The pain is just so fresh now and I guess there is nothing else I can do. I just have to get on with my life as best I can and in time the pain will pass. As hurt as I am and as much as I keep thinking that I won't meet anyone like her, the truth is that I will eventually. It may take time but I will find that special someone. There are plenty of them in the world.

 

Yes maybe I am saying the right things and while I may not truly believe them now, it has only been a few days since we stopped talking. if I keep telling myself these things and keep trying to get on with my own life then it will eventually sink in after a few weeks, maybe months, but over time I will be happy again.

Edited September 8, 2015 by UNTAMEDKILLA94

[Hipster_22]

I cannot begin to thank you guys on this forum. Each and every single one of you are inspirational. I am starting to feel better, knowing that I am not alone. We are one big family and I love you all. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have the courage to post my story on here and get some perspective on my situation. Reading other posts also helps and gives me more advice on how to proceed with my life. I have even saved some of your comments and re read them everyday as a reminder so that I can move on for good. TO every single one of you: Thank you so much and good luck to you all, I hope you all find the special person that appreciate you for what you are. You deserve it.

[craw]

Thank you for validating that we all deserve love in our lives. lolololol

[Hipster_22]

You would be surprised at the amount of people who think otherwise. Breakups affect people in different ways and people make mistakes that lead to separation. These mistakes can lead to people getting themselves into a bad mental state by thinking they do not deserve love and to be happy when that isn't true at all. Just read some threads and you will see for yourself.

Edited September 10, 2015 by UNTAMEDKILLA94