The "Good" things that resulted from your W/H's affair...

[ThumbingMyWay]

I think Dazed or Sylvia thought this idea up....figured I;d start a thread to see what others have to say. Everyone here talks about all the "bad" things that result from an affair....but there are some good things....what are yours?

 

 

 

Mine are:

 

My "protective" layer that shielded me from lifes problems has been blown away. As hard as it is to face the truths of life....this is a good thing that happened to me. No more living unconsiously...no more games....no more lies. I look at life in a totally different POV now. There are no garantees and no one is responsible for my feelings BUT ME....and after 34 years of life, I can truely live and feel without being afraid.

 

Communitcation has increased between my wife and I. We now can share our truest deepests feelings with eachother withour being afraid of what they think.

 

Better home life. We both have stepped up to the plate to take more responibility for managing our home and family life. We are more intune with each others needs and schedules.

 

We stopped abusing alcohol. This has made us more clear in our thinking. My wife has basically stopped drinking...and will continue untill she feels comfortable bringing it back into her life. I have curbed my intake and will pick and choose the times I drink.

 

Better date nights. We have made more time for each other....we go on date nights, dinner, movie, coffee shop, book stores, walks, etc.....(notice I left our bars and clubs.....we want to do other things that dont involve drinking to have fun)

 

The freedom to be an individual yet remain married. My wife and I have finaly realized that each of us are individual and have different wants and needs. In the past we would curtail our goals becasue we didnt feel we could achieve them cause we are married. THAT has changed now....we both support each other in things we want to do, even thought the other may not be interested.

 

FINDING my self.....this ties-in with the item above and the first thing I listed. Wife and I are 34 and have been together since age 17. We never really had the opportunity to figure out who we are as individuals. and fortunately we choose to remain married AND take this inner self journey to bring us closer as a couple.

 

 

Alone time. We now make time to have alone time, without makeing the other feel guilty.

 

Family time. We make more efforst to do family stuff too.

 

 

there are more I'm sure....will post as they happen or come to me...

[New_Wife]

Well, this is my ex husband's affair, but the good thing was that it finally put that exclamation mark where the question mark had been to the statement "this relationship will not work"

 

I had swayed back and forth in my thoughts and ability to handle an emotional disaster of a marriage and finding out that he'd not only cheated on me, but gotten another girl pregnant while we were supposed to be reconciling was the final nail in the coffin.

 

That was over 5 years ago.

 

I went to some counseling, learned a lot about what I will and won't accept from another person and myself, and have recently married a wonderful man that I took a lot of time to get to know and appreciate.

 

I learned (through counseling) that passion does not equal drama, and vise versa, although they can be deceptive. There's plenty of passion in my new marraige, but little to no drama.

[MiChick43]

Ive learned to value myself . Before my ex s affair all I did was do for him, be there for him and I was afraid of being alone. After being alone and growing up a little I am a much more secure person. We did not stay together, Im happy for those that work out their issues and remain together. With my ex it was more of the nasty stuff that went along with the affair that made me realize I needed to move on.

[I Survived]

I've learned to value myself, my husband and our relationship. I've learned how to forgive. I've learned how to play. Everything we do together is fun, even the house chores that used to capitalize our time are more tolerable. We are excited to be together, talk on the phone, email, make plans. In spite of all the pain, heartache, tears and anger, his affair woke us up to what we have and what we almost lost. I have let my wall down and I let the love in. My love of self is complete and there is nothing that I can't deal with, with or without him. However, I prefer that it is with him.

I've watch Oprah, Dr. Phil and other television shows and read a lot of books on infidelity. It opens up my mind to the part I played in his cheating and it stimulates conversation with him. It also helps him to talk about his feelings and be more understanding of himself. Right now I'm reading The Script. OMG it's unbelieveable. The signs were all there.

Thank you Dazed or Sylvia for suggesting this post, thank you Thumbingmyway for starting it. I look forward to others posting on this thread. Hopefully some of the couples who are newbies to cheating will read it and know that there can be a positive result. Cheating is not condoned as a method to wake up a marriage. It would be MUCH MUCH better to get there without the infidelity.

[SweetSerenity]

Since having my affair I've learned that people aren't always what they seem. I've learned that I can get my emotional highs elsewhere, instead of complaining of boredom I can learn to zest things up. I've learned how to deal with the communication problems between the H and myself. I've also learned that the exMM's wife was a real person no matter how I wanted to rationalize that she was no good, she really is a beautiful person. The reason I say this is because I had a chat with her the other day. It wasn't to talk about the affair cause she has no clue, I just happened to be up at the exMM's work and when I rounded the corner he was standing there speaking to her and he introduced us. Yeah talk about awkward as ass, but believe you me I was polite and didn't stay long. I've learned to value and appreciate my marriage and my husband more. Even though he isn't the most affectionate person or communicative person I've learned to look at the little things that he does to me that is probably his way of saying and showing me "I love you". So I've learned a lot. It is not something I will repeat ever again. It hits too close to home and there was a lot of drama that has happened from the exMM. None involving his wife but it took me threatening to tell his wife and threatening to go to his superiors at work to have him fired for him to finally back off me. So value whatever you have and realize that while it may seem greener on the other side, it isn't.

[sylviaguardian]

Through my H's affair i have learned:

 

- that I am a much stronger person than I thought I was,

- That I actually do LIKE myself,

- that I can wake up each morning and know that the choices that i have made in my life were acceptable to me; I don't have to live with guilt,

- that forgiveness has nothing to do with being weak; it is a choice to live your life without letting the mistakes of others mess you up inside,

- that I have some REALLY good friends. During this time so of my friends and I have grown unbelievably close

- that things can function even when they are not perfect anymore. i use to think that once something was slightly busted, it should be discarded. Now I realise that perfection just does not exist

 

Sylvia

[lynnspies1]

This is hard because it is still new but here goes, through my H's affair...

 

I have learned just how much I value my family, I would fight till my last breath for my husband and kids.

 

I have learned how much my sisters, parents, in-laws, friends really care for me and love me and how much support I have no matter what happens.

 

I have learned to appreciate even the small victories like laughing at the dinner table with my husband and kids, making it through a day with out arguing, making through a day with no contact from the OW, etc.

 

I have learned to take batter care of my self and take quite time for myself to gather my thoughts.

 

I have learned that it is OK to be angry, sad, hopeful, scared, happy, in love and in hate all at the same time.

 

I am sure there will be more as time goes on,

 

Lynn

[wanting to heal]

My wife and I are back to the beginning after her ONS.

 

It was hard to take, but it did get us into counseling. I went alone before, but she would not go. Now we have been to joint sessions and she has been to two individual session and I have been to one.

 

I have learned-

I can forgive what I never thought I could

She really does love me

She did this because of alcohol, curiosity, insecurity and our lack of real communication

She was gullible and was taken advantage of. She sees that now.

Our love life has opened up dramatically, and it just getting better

She wants me to be her best friend

I need to love her for what she is, not what I want her to be

We can be very different and still be happy

She values our family

We have rediscovered the softness for one another that attracted us in the beginning

Deception is a prison, whether you are the inmate or the guard

 

 

This may have been a blessing in disguise. That is really hard to say, but it probably avoided a divorce where we would both look back and wonder where it all went wrong.