Someone talk me down from the ledge

[NewLeaf512]

Friends Romans and countrymen

 

My rational mind knows this is WRONG. Maybe it's just a fantasy. It is 2:30 am which doesn't lend itself to good ideas.

 

I am bloody FURIOUS. I have a few ideas why, some sane, some insane.

 

Most are speculative and I know the BW's will say that I have no idea what's happening behind closed doors and that he is probably in a world of hurt which may be true so I'll start with facts first before I spin into nutty-ville

 

When the A ended (as they all do for anyone in doubt with the exception of like 1%) ExMM had been planning his D for sometime with my help at his request. On Dday he let me know that he told everything, even about the lawyer and the D and I haven't heard from him since except through his lawyer 15 days later. As I mentioned ExMM and I were quite good friends for years prior to the A, which was at his instigation after falsely saying he was separated and mid divorce.

 

What I've not gone into much is the friendship prior to the A and whilst there are countless MAJOR friendship acts I executed on his behalf, I the interest of not writing Homer's Opus I will give just one. After working for our company and NO WHERE Else he was made redundant 5 years ago after 24 years of service. He got 6 months of severance pay and that was it.understandibly ExMM was in a panic and wasn't even getting interviews. I knew other people in his location with multiple degrees and who were going for the same roles and got interviews when he didn't even get a call back.

I knew that there was never going to be any roles for him so, knowing he was a mortgage payment away from losing his house, I called in any and ever favour in the company and believe me begging was involved. I was able on the strength of my relationships and agreeing to advise unpaid on some very crap cases that I got him s job back at the same pay as before but in a different department with 4 days left before his severance rain out. And many more such mega favours.

 

The fact that he plunged me into complete darkness and didn't feel like a short text or even an email simply saying " I can't go through with it I'm sorry, and I can never contact you again" doesn't seem too much to fing ask for. When he had to put the dog to sleep pre A and I was there on business, BS couldn't make herself do it. He asked me to accompany so I did and it was me who held her as she left this world.

 

The fact that he then brings a lawyer at me with some bull s**t which although I "win" the amount I recovered doesn't touch my legal fees.

 

 

I leave a hugely successful role where I was minted to go full scale NC while he still is at the place I left. One of my old chamber mates rang me today and said he was sorry to bother me, but ExMM was on a beach holiday with wife and youngest as its Labour day in America and could I answer something about XYZ.

 

 

I have to be at my crap new role offer presentation tomorrow (job better than no job) but all in I'm down £80,000 on last year and it will take me years to get that back.

 

Here's the not factual insane bit. The f**k dropped me in a well like trash. Threatened me with litigation (who cares if it was him or her) wasted my time and money. Doesn't have the come up to dash off a one line note or email. His wife and kids seem to not know the full truth or if they do, they are in full damage control mode. They are trying (or don't mind) about what happened and they are all swanning around on a beach while I am busting my ass, can't sleep and my heart is broken.

 

Petty and immaterial: she's 5ft, looks 60 and is verging on morbidly obese. She works part time because "she wants to be a good southern wife" whatever that means but their house is a pig sty and there are no minor children at home. I'm slim, blonde, considered very pretty and I am in a fortunate financial position and I read books.

 

I don't believe in revenge so this is just a fantasy IN THIS MOMENT but I want to post about 10 people some of the stuff he wrote me running them down. He sent me documents he didn't know what to do with to my personal email (not allowed) to help him. Right now I just feel chucking mud at him. Mo -Fo

Edited September 8, 2015 by NewLeaf512

[Popsicle]

He wanted to be as good a person to you as you were to him but he just couldn't cut it when it came time. I'm sure he disappointed himself even.

 

But at the end of the day, he already had a commitment to his wife, which makes that easy, and he could not go down the more difficult road with you. Or maybe he was just fantasizing the whole time and didn't realize that he was just fantasizing until the end. You do know that men love fantasy and fantasizing, yes? It's delicious escapism.

 

I'm really sorry that you had to go through this but you were real and he was not. I once read in a book that women have the bad habit of giving too much to men who have not yet proven that they deserve such gifts, and the only solution is to stop being mad at men for not giving more, but rather the women need to stop giving so much and just wait for the man to prove that he deserves all that you have to give first.

[NewLeaf512]

He wanted to be as good a person to you as you were to him but he just couldn't cut it when it came time. I'm sure he disappointed himself even.

 

But at the end of the day, he already had a commitment to his wife, which makes that easy, and he could not go down the more difficult road with you. Or maybe he was just fantasizing the whole time and didn't realize that he was just fantasizing until the end. You do know that men love fantasy and fantasizing, yes? It's delicious escapism.

 

I'm really sorry that you had to go through this but you were real and he was not. I once read in a book that women have the bad habit of giving too much to men who have not yet proven that they deserve such gifts, and the only solution is to stop being mad at men for not giving more, but rather the women need to stop giving so much and just wait for the man to prove that he deserves all that you have to give first.

 

Thank you Popsicle. That made me feel some better. I wish I knew that he even thought about me once more or questioned his decision once. That way I wouldn't feel like he pushed a button on the TV remote and never blinked an eye

[Popsicle]

Thank you Popsicle. That made me feel some better. I wish I knew that he even thought about me once more or questioned his decision once. That way I wouldn't feel like he pushed a button on the TV remote and never blinked an eye

 

I wish you get some sort of sign of this too, because I know it's true. He has thought about you and agonized even.

[Mount]

Simple truth - if you want to achieve the relationship with the guy, let him do the investment on you or the relationship with you, investment I mean time investment, money investment, emotion investment more than woman does, the woman should always sit at the back seat even she is capable doing all above herself. Never overdo things for him, it will only make you feel more worthless when he discards you and the relationship.

[NewLeaf512]

Simple truth - if you want to achieve the relationship with the guy, let him do the investment on you or the relationship with you, investment I mean time investment, money investment, emotion investment more than woman does, the woman should always sit at the back seat even she is capable doing all above herself. Never overdo things for him, it will only make you feel more worthless when he discards you and the relationship.

 

Mount you are totally right.

[Mount]

Thanks and I also think you are doing great in the "healing" or recovery journey, despite a few memory flashing back but you are moving slowly forward. Just keep it up.

 

 

Mount you are totally right.

[NewLeaf512]

I was doing this huge computer clear out. It's time. I backed up the naughty stuff for " protection " but deleted "sentimental " crap.

 

I came across this that he wrote me:

 

i dont have a moment when i am awake that she doesn't know where i am, ask where i am, ask when i will be leaving, where I will be going, when I will be home

when NewLeaf found and recommended you she also referred me to your book of which I've read some over the last few days

i often feel scared, alone, powerless, and demoralized to acting only in a service role to my wife needs

MM • 30 Jun, 16:01

she demands total attention from me (demanding give me touch, give me attention)

I believe I am married to a covert narcissist and I am the victim of narc abuse and she has also put us on the brink of financial disaster and I want to understand if this is true and how I can save myself

Even my kids describe her to me as “needy”

I don’t want to be a prisoner for the rest of my life to a woman I don’t love. Even the fact that she puts her makeup on sitting on the bed annoys me

She doesn’t take care of herself and has aged badly. We have tried therapy in the past but it was always about her controlling me. I haven’t been happy except for my children and for NewLeaf for the last 10 years.

 

Less than 48 hours before Dday, he got a second IC to help out with the main one, and that's part of the transcript of the session. This is why I am still in shock

[NewLeaf512]

Thanks and I also think you are doing great in the "healing" or recovery journey, despite a few memory flashing back but you are moving slowly forward. Just keep it up.

 

I think the new job no matter how crap will refocus me and not allow me to be a pompous arse resting on her laurels.

[Mount]

My POV is , you are too good for him, you are fine with or without him, but this MM seems to be very weak.

 

Yes as the reality has proved thousand times, despite husbands complain how they dislike their wives, dislike the dynamic between husband and wife, they don't leave anyway at the end. As somehow they have "programmed" to live under the way they have been living, despite they complain all the time.

 

I was doing this huge computer clear out. It's time. I backed up the naughty stuff for " protection " but deleted "sentimental " crap.

 

I came across this that he wrote me:

 

i dont have a moment when i am awake that she doesn't know where i am, ask where i am, ask when i will be leaving, where I will be going, when I will be home

when NewLeaf found and recommended you she also referred me to your book of which I've read some over the last few days

i often feel scared, alone, powerless, and demoralized to acting only in a service role to my wife needs

MM • 30 Jun, 16:01

she demands total attention from me (demanding give me touch, give me attention)

I believe I am married to a covert narcissist and I am the victim of narc abuse and she has also put us on the brink of financial disaster and I want to understand if this is true and how I can save myself

Even my kids describe her to me as “needy”

I don’t want to be a prisoner for the rest of my life to a woman I don’t love. Even the fact that she puts her makeup on sitting on the bed annoys me

She doesn’t take care of herself and has aged badly. We have tried therapy in the past but it was always about her controlling me. I haven’t been happy except for my children and for NewLeaf for the last 10 years.

 

Less than 48 hours before Dday, he got a second IC to help out with the main one, and that's part of the transcript of the session. This is why I am still in shock

[NewLeaf512]

And doing something nutty even if he does deserve consequences aren't for me to pass out and just make me look like a loon.

 

I'm better than that. But having it as a fantasy is ok or no?

[Popsicle]

I was doing this huge computer clear out. It's time. I backed up the naughty stuff for " protection " but deleted "sentimental " crap.

 

I came across this that he wrote me:

 

i dont have a moment when i am awake that she doesn't know where i am, ask where i am, ask when i will be leaving, where I will be going, when I will be home

when NewLeaf found and recommended you she also referred me to your book of which I've read some over the last few days

i often feel scared, alone, powerless, and demoralized to acting only in a service role to my wife needs

MM • 30 Jun, 16:01

she demands total attention from me (demanding give me touch, give me attention)

I believe I am married to a covert narcissist and I am the victim of narc abuse and she has also put us on the brink of financial disaster and I want to understand if this is true and how I can save myself

Even my kids describe her to me as “needy”

I don’t want to be a prisoner for the rest of my life to a woman I don’t love. Even the fact that she puts her makeup on sitting on the bed annoys me

She doesn’t take care of herself and has aged badly. We have tried therapy in the past but it was always about her controlling me. I haven’t been happy except for my children and for NewLeaf for the last 10 years.

 

Less than 48 hours before Dday, he got a second IC to help out with the main one, and that's part of the transcript of the session. This is why I am still in shock

 

This email reaks of his weakness. You can hear in his word that he didn't have courage. Wish you were posting here back then and showed this to us, we could have told you then that he wasn't going to go thru with it.

[NewLeaf512]

This email reaks of his weakness. You can hear in his word that he didn't have courage. Wish you were posting here back then and showed this to us, we could have told you then that he wasn't going to go thru with it.

 

I see weak. I see pain. Where do you see not going to do it? He even had an apartment. Here's the good news. I will/ would never go back to him or speak to him again.

 

What really bugs me is dropping me in a well but, that's cowardly and he's a coward.

 

It was scary deleting our "history" but it was pure fiction. I feel half purged half empty..

[Popsicle]

I see weak. I see pain. Where do you see not going to do it? He even had an apartment.

 

Because if he was so unhappy for so long, he would have left her long ago. He is a grown man and makes himself seem like a victim of a woman when it was his own lack of courage. When people truly get fed up, they leave. I guess he got rid of the apartment after Dday, but then again, I've known men who have spent tens of thousands of dollars on engagement rings but with no intention whatsoever to ever marry this woman. It's all just part of their "real life fantasy" performance they are engaging in for fun. Close but no cigar. You can spot these types by their history. Oh and just never get involved with a taken man. Ever.

[Mount]

Very well said. I feel like those men are somehow "enjoying" the bad treatment from wives or bad dynamic in their marriage, so that they can not live without it.

 

Because if he was so unhappy for so long, he would have left her long ago. He is a grown man and makes himself seem like a victim of a woman when it was his own lack of courage. When people truly get fed up, they leave. I guess he got rid of the apartment after Dday, but then again, I've known men who have spent tens of thousands of dollars on engagement rings but with no intention whatsoever to ever marry this woman. It's all just part of their "real life fantasy" performance they are engaging in for fun. Close but no cigar. You can spot these types by their history. Oh and just never get involved with a taken man. Ever.

[NewLeaf512]

Very well said. I feel like those men are somehow "enjoying" the bad treatment from wives or bad dynamic in their marriage, so that they can not live without it.

 

Spot on as usual. I didn't know he was taken at the beginning but once I found out that should have been it

[NewLeaf512]

And in actual fact thinking of him living a miserable life is good enough

[velvette]

I hesitate to post here because my posts always seem to upset you, but to me it seems you should be grateful you dodged this bullet.

 

 

As you describe him, he is a man who can keep a job, cant get a job by himself when he loses one, can get a divorce without your help, and worst of all cant even do the right thing to put his presumably faithful canine companion to sleep on his own when its called for.

 

 

All this you did for him, and what did he do for you?

 

 

You are strong and successful. Why would you even want this man. Who cares how he lives now and whether happy or not.

 

 

Revenge fantasies are fine for a time. But better to spend time thinking about what you want your own life to look like and what kind of man you want for a partner. Make a list of the qualities that man should have. I'm guessing MM doesn't have many of the same qualities.

 

 

Spend some time talking with your therapist about why you gave so much an he gave so little and how to avoid that in the future.

[NewLeaf512]

I hesitate to post here because my posts always seem to upset you, but to me it seems you should be grateful you dodged this bullet.

 

 

As you describe him, he is a man who can keep a job, cant get a job by himself when he loses one, can get a divorce without your help, and worst of all cant even do the right thing to put his presumably faithful canine companion to sleep on his own when its called for.

 

 

All this you did for him, and what did he do for you?

 

 

You are strong and successful. Why would you even want this man. Who cares how he lives now and whether happy or not.

 

 

Revenge fantasies are fine for a time. But better to spend time thinking about what you want your own life to look like and what kind of man you want for a partner. Make a list of the qualities that man should have. I'm guessing MM doesn't have many of the same qualities.

 

 

Spend some time talking with your therapist about why you gave so much an he gave so little and how to avoid that in the future.

 

I know why. I grew up in a household devoid of love where a parent has severe BPD and still does. I learned to do anything to please to get attention and a silver of love. I have repeated these patterns in adulthood, until now.

 

The type of man I want in the future = none. I have enough work on myself to do and between my H and exMM I've had quite enough. Thanks for the post.

[movingon123]

And in actual fact thinking of him living a miserable life is good enough

 

Yes, I've had that thought as well. One thing I've told myself is that I get to go on with my life however I want and can find happiness in whatever I enjoy doing. He on the other hand has to find a way to deal with his relationship with his BS which is not going to be easy because I do believe they've been unhappy for some time. Yes, I've probably been suffering more than him now, but I truly believe he will be unhappy for much longer than me.

 

They say that once an affair is discovered the WS's self-esteem gets lower than it was before the A. I believe that is likely the case with my mm. And frankly with how he treated me at the end I feel he deserves that. I doubt he's still being fully honest with his W even though he showed her a letter I wrote after D-day trying to understand how he felt about me. I mean, in a phone conversation before that he asked me to not tell her a detail about our A should I ever meet her because he lied to her about it when she asked. But then later he shows her this heartfelt letter I wrote him? So suddenly he's Mr. Honesty? Please.

 

I've fantasized about having my mm contact me and me telling him off. But I think if he ever did contact me it would probably get my feelings across so much more to just ignore him like he did me. What absolute asses these men are.

[Babs22]

Thank you Popsicle. That made me feel some better. I wish I knew that he even thought about me once more or questioned his decision once. That way I wouldn't feel like he pushed a button on the TV remote and never blinked an eye

 

NewLeaf, There is no doubt in my mind that he thinks of you daily and does question his decision. I don't know what happened to make him not only end your R, but get a lawyer involved. It must have been significant to him. I do not believe that he did it because he did not have feelings for you. Most likely he was afraid of losing something, money? kids? Possibly, just possibly, he did it to in some way protect you. Did his wife threaten to expose? Could that have effected your career negatively? Who knows, but he definitely had feelings for you. While married men may stay with their spouses more often than not, it does not mean that they don't think about their OW every day. I too am in a LTR with a MM and I do not believe he will ever leave his W for me. It is not because he cares for her more than me, it just means that he is not willing to take the hit he would take if he divorced his wife.

 

I do think letting you go, may have been the most unselfish thing he could have done. He most likely thought you would be better off without him. Possibly he ended it so poorly to make sure you would not want to walk back through that door again. He knows you would never consider him now. The way he ended it sealed that deal. There is no going back.

[NewLeaf512]

NewLeaf, There is no doubt in my mind that he thinks of you daily and does question his decision. I don't know what happened to make him not only end your R, but get a lawyer involved. It must have been significant to him. I do not believe that he did it because he did not have feelings for you. Most likely he was afraid of losing something, money? kids? Possibly, just possibly, he did it to in some way protect you. Did his wife threaten to expose? Could that have effected your career negatively? Who knows, but he definitely had feelings for you. While married men may stay with their spouses more often than not, it does not mean that they don't think about their OW every day. I too am in a LTR with a MM and I do not believe he will ever leave his W for me. It is not because he cares for her more than me, it just means that he is not willing to take the hit he would take if he divorced his wife.

 

I do think letting you go, may have been the most unselfish thing he could have done. He most likely thought you would be better off without him. Possibly he ended it so poorly to make sure you would not want to walk back through that door again. He knows you would never consider him now. The way he ended it sealed that deal. There is no going back.

 

The legal bs served 2 purposes

 

First to prove to BW that he was 100% committed to his marriage

 

Secondly to secure a settlement agreement from me to never speak about him or us or turn him into our employer. I refused to waive my constitutional rights so that was a bust

[Babs22]

The legal bs served 2 purposes

 

First to prove to BW that he was 100% committed to his marriage

 

Secondly to secure a settlement agreement from me to never speak about him or us or turn him into our employer. I refused to waive my constitutional rights so that was a bust

 

He did know that by doing the legal bs, you would be lost to him forever. I am sure that eats at him daily. I don't know why men choose to stay in unhappy marriages, but time and time again they do. I have seen several posts from exMM on here talking about how they cannot stop thinking about the OW. I often wonder if my MM's wife finds out about our A, if I will be tossed aside quickly to prove that he is committed. I'm not sure and I hope I don't have to find out. Keep staying strong. You really are doing a good job dealing with this. I hope I can do nearly as well if the time comes.

[waterwoman]

Man's a fool! Tell me where he lives and i'll chuck some mud on your behalf! Xx

[Susmay]

Believe me as a BW I well know the burning desire to take revenge and see someone who has hurt me badly, hurt just as much themselves.

 

I felt the best way to "hurt" the OW in my situation was exposure of what she'd done. This is given that I wasn't willing to physically damage her or do anything illegal. I appreciate that by telling her and her husband's family, they got hurt as well. Rightly or wrongly I rationalised this as, if she had stayed away from my family then I would never have had any reason to approach her family.

 

I also wanted my WH to understand and experience the level of pain that had been inflicted on me and no doubt the OW as well. At some level I almost hoped that the OW would do whatever she could to him, to make him hurt. But she never did, so in that sense he did get off more lightly than could have happened. I certainly was prepared for, and would have understood if she'd taken some sort of revenge on him.

 

Now I'm on LS I see that many OW toy with the thought of taking revenge on the MM if and when he "throws them under the bus", but not that many actually do something. I'm sure it's possible to get creative and do something that's well within the bounds of legality but still serves as both a punishment and deterrent against future behaviour. I say go for it!