Someone talk me down from the ledge

[Whisper Quiet]

When we feel severely wronged, it is not unusual to have fantasies of this nature. For the most part these fantasies never progress past thoughts rambling around in our heads.

 

Many of us have relationship or personal information that enables us to lob a grenade into the Ex's world. The Ex knows this too and on some level languishes not knowing when or if we might act. I kind of like the idea of them constantly looking over their shoulder with worry. (Grin)

 

Knowing you could blow up their world but you choose not to is also empowering.

 

Have no doubt, the Ex's house of cards will come tumbling down from their own actions it is just not always on OUR timeline.

 

Indulge the fantasy for a bit but strive towards feeling indifference. Not easy, I know, but working towards indifference keeps you from miring down in the muck of the past.

 

(((New Leaf)))

[waterwoman]

Many of us have relationship or personal information that enables us to lob a grenade into the Ex's world. The Ex knows this too and on some level languishes not knowing when or if we might act. I kind of like the idea of them constantly looking over their shoulder with worry. (Grin)

 

Knowing you could blow up their world but you choose not to is also empowering.

 

Have no doubt, the Ex's house of cards will come tumbling down from their own actions it is just not always on OUR timeline.

 

 

I agree. I didn't inform OW's H of their affair. Why? Because she had convinced H that he was abusive and controlling and I didn't want to be responsible for her getting hurt. Whatever my motivations for not informing him I have suspect she was worried that I might. I had no desire for revenge per se but I must admit that little bit of power comforted me somewhat in the darkest days.

[NewLeaf512]

When we feel severely wronged, it is not unusual to have fantasies of this nature. For the most part these fantasies never progress past thoughts rambling around in our heads.

 

Many of us have relationship or personal information that enables us to lob a grenade into the Ex's world. The Ex knows this too and on some level languishes not knowing when or if we might act. I kind of like the idea of them constantly looking over their shoulder with worry. (Grin)

 

Knowing you could blow up their world but you choose not to is also empowering.

 

Have no doubt, the Ex's house of cards will come tumbling down from their own actions it is just not always on OUR timeline.

 

Indulge the fantasy for a bit but strive towards feeling indifference. Not easy, I know, but working towards indifference keeps you from miring down in the muck of the past.

 

(((New Leaf)))

 

 

WhisperQuiet thanks for the hugs. Most days aren't hideous. Some are.

 

 

Part of my problem is I try to use logic and reasoning to understand thing that happen to me, things I do and the world around me.

 

 

There is no sense in trying to apply sense to a cowardly, lying ass*ole so, I cant think of the saying but essentially "it is what it is"

 

 

If my brain wakes up and I remember the exact saying I will post it.

[jen1447]

Both of you seem to feel that "living well" is either the "only" or "best" or "logical" type of revenge.

 

I happen to disagree and feel there are other forms of revenge that serve the purpose of revenge just as well.

 

At the risk of wandering too far off topic, can you give us a hypothetical example where that would be the case?

[ladydesigner]

I once read in a book that women have the bad habit of giving too much to men who have not yet proven that they deserve such gifts, and the only solution is to stop being mad at men for not giving more, but rather the women need to stop giving so much and just wait for the man to prove that he deserves all that you have to give first.

 

Great advice! I am a fMOW and BS and this even applies to us as well! I learned after my WH's A that I needed to stop giving so much because my WH did not prove to be deserving, still isn't

[ladydesigner]

When we feel severely wronged, it is not unusual to have fantasies of this nature. For the most part these fantasies never progress past thoughts rambling around in our heads.

 

Many of us have relationship or personal information that enables us to lob a grenade into the Ex's world. The Ex knows this too and on some level languishes not knowing when or if we might act. I kind of like the idea of them constantly looking over their shoulder with worry. (Grin)

 

Knowing you could blow up their world but you choose not to is also empowering.

 

Have no doubt, the Ex's house of cards will come tumbling down from their own actions it is just not always on OUR timeline.

 

Indulge the fantasy for a bit but strive towards feeling indifference. Not easy, I know, but working towards indifference keeps you from miring down in the muck of the past.

 

(((New Leaf)))

 

Yes I would agree, indulge the fantasy but strive for indiffrerence, that is where it is at!

 

Hope you are feeling better today! (((NewLeaf512)))

[Susmay]

At the risk of wandering too far off topic, can you give us a hypothetical example where that would be the case?

 

Well first of all your argument is that living well is either the only or best revenge. I would contend this is entirely subjective, as if someone gets satisfaction from exacting some other form of revenge then who are you to say this was not best for that person. Obviously for you "living well" must be the best form of revenge and I didn't mean to suggest that it wasn't for you. However a blanket statement that it is the best, by implication, for everyone, is what I am disagreeing with.

 

In my case I got a great deal of satisfaction from exposing the OW, and am quite satisfied with that, without going on to do physical or property harm. She lost her job.

 

Simply speaking, me "living well" (and I do by the way) was not enough for me to feel she'd suffered the logical consequences of what she'd done.

 

As I see it the purpose of revenge is for the person taking revenge to get some level of "satisfaction of debts owed", for want of better words. Sometimes living well is enough, for some the revenge taken is too extreme for society and society has its own consequences, (eg criminal penalties if crimes are committed) and somewhere in the middle is what many are comfortable with.

 

I merely objected to your comment that living well is the only type of revenge.

[norudder]

Well first of all your argument is that living well is either the only or best revenge. I would contend this is entirely subjective, as if someone gets satisfaction from exacting some other form of revenge then who are you to say this was not best for that person. Obviously for you "living well" must be the best form of revenge and I didn't mean to suggest that it wasn't for you. However a blanket statement that it is the best, by implication, for everyone, is what I am disagreeing with.

 

In my case I got a great deal of satisfaction from exposing the OW, and am quite satisfied with that, without going on to do physical or property harm. She lost her job.

 

Simply speaking, me "living well" (and I do by the way) was not enough for me to feel she'd suffered the logical consequences of what she'd done.

 

As I see it the purpose of revenge is for the person taking revenge to get some level of "satisfaction of debts owed", for want of better words. Sometimes living well is enough, for some the revenge taken is too extreme for society and society has its own consequences, (eg criminal penalties if crimes are committed) and somewhere in the middle is what many are comfortable with.

 

I merely objected to your comment that living well is the only type of revenge.

 

I think I agree with your part about the desire for logical consequences. I know "life isn't fair" and part of being an adult is realizing that but many of us have an innate desire for justice. We feel wronged. Its just a crime against our heart instead of the law, the latter has a justice system but not the former.

 

I am without the man I thought loved me, lost a job I enjoyed, moved from a house to apt, ended marriage and stability of family life, and most significantly am now sharing custody.

 

Him: no change. Except his broken heart over me not wanting to stay in an affair.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy, I made my choices and took the fallout. Just pisses me off he had none.

[NewLeaf512]

I think I agree with your part about the desire for logical consequences. I know "life isn't fair" and part of being an adult is realizing that but many of us have an innate desire for justice. We feel wronged. Its just a crime against our heart instead of the law, the latter has a justice system but not the former.

 

I am without the man I thought loved me, lost a job I enjoyed, moved from a house to apt, ended marriage and stability of family life, and most significantly am now sharing custody.

 

Him: no change. Except his broken heart over me not wanting to stay in an affair.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy, I made my choices and took the fallout. Just pisses me off he had none.

 

 

No rudder, although I didn't lose a marriage or children, (I did not have any to lose) I lost the man I loved (although I now see him for what he is) in an effort to save my career and not have gossip all over me I resigned my job which was fantastic, and am having a hell of a time finding another one, exMM and BW took a crazy legal swipe at me which caused me mental anguish, a bit of money, but made me realise what a loose cannon situation I have on my hands, not to mention pissed me off.

 

 

The thing that I really suffered a loss with is my faith in people, particularly men, and my self-esteem.

 

 

There are BS who stayed with WS for a variety of reasons and they will usually say that MM suffered consequences because BW was angry at them and BW barely trusts them anymore. That actually sounds more painful for BW than MM but if that is in fact the case and MM is moping around in remorse and is never trusted again that wouldn't be the type of M I would choose. Especially it is hard to swallow when MM is living in the marital home, in his job and enjoying family life, and they have BW there, who is showing that she wants to be with him and still loves him in spite of his horrific behaviour, which seems a bit better than where you and I are.

 

 

sending a hug

[norudder]

No rudder, although I didn't lose a marriage or children, (I did not have any to lose) I lost the man I loved (although I now see him for what he is) in an effort to save my career and not have gossip all over me I resigned my job which was fantastic, and am having a hell of a time finding another one, exMM and BW took a crazy legal swipe at me which caused me mental anguish, a bit of money, but made me realise what a loose cannon situation I have on my hands, not to mention pissed me off.

 

 

The thing that I really suffered a loss with is my faith in people, particularly men, and my self-esteem.

 

 

There are BS who stayed with WS for a variety of reasons and they will usually say that MM suffered consequences because BW was angry at them and BW barely trusts them anymore. That actually sounds more painful for BW than MM but if that is in fact the case and MM is moping around in remorse and is never trusted again that wouldn't be the type of M I would choose. Especially it is hard to swallow when MM is living in the marital home, in his job and enjoying family life, and they have BW there, who is showing that she wants to be with him and still loves him in spite of his horrific behaviour, which seems a bit better than where you and I are.

 

 

sending a hug

 

Thanks. Hugs to you too.

Those external lifestyle circumstances are tough, work is a major component of our daily lives. There was a social network element to it for me as well which I've had to compensate for. Hope you get a great opportunity soon!

 

Exmm's wife doesn't know so no consequence for him there but conversely she's not in (direct) pain. He still has the knowledge she wants to be there though and the benefit of a SO doing family life together with him, even if its without full awareness. Either way, like you, its not a marriage I would choose. What is marriage without honesty?

[Mount]

NewLeaf512, do not beat up yourself anymore. You are so strong and capable, can't you NOT SEE you are the only (x)OW who was able to walk away from the MM, keeping NC and quit the job that avoiding with MM, and did all things as you said. That is extraodinaire, you should give lots of credit to yourself.

 

Your actions have been matching your words, and you know how to defend/protect yourself. Well done all along.

 

No rudder, although I didn't lose a marriage or children, (I did not have any to lose) I lost the man I loved (although I now see him for what he is) in an effort to save my career and not have gossip all over me I resigned my job which was fantastic, and am having a hell of a time finding another one, exMM and BW took a crazy legal swipe at me which caused me mental anguish, a bit of money, but made me realise what a loose cannon situation I have on my hands, not to mention pissed me off.

 

 

The thing that I really suffered a loss with is my faith in people, particularly men, and my self-esteem.

 

 

There are BS who stayed with WS for a variety of reasons and they will usually say that MM suffered consequences because BW was angry at them and BW barely trusts them anymore. That actually sounds more painful for BW than MM but if that is in fact the case and MM is moping around in remorse and is never trusted again that wouldn't be the type of M I would choose. Especially it is hard to swallow when MM is living in the marital home, in his job and enjoying family life, and they have BW there, who is showing that she wants to be with him and still loves him in spite of his horrific behaviour, which seems a bit better than where you and I are.

 

 

sending a hug

[NewLeaf512]

NewLeaf512, do not beat up yourself anymore. You are so strong and capable, can't you NOT SEE you are the only (x)OW who was able to walk away from the MM, keeping NC and quit the job that avoiding with MM, and did all things as you said. That is extraodinaire, you should give lots of credit to yourself.

 

Your actions have been matching your words, and you know how to defend/protect yourself. Well done all along.

Hi Mount. Thank you for your kind comments. I don't feel like I'm doing much just try to get up each day xx

[Red123]

Hi Mount. Thank you for your kind comments. I don't feel like I'm doing much just try to get up each day xx

 

That's how healing begins, little steps each day.

[NewLeaf512]

70 days. I cant believe it made it here, I cant say it's been fun, but it has happened.

[NewLeaf512]

Just a little update on me, the ledge, and me as an exOW

 

I've been being quite horrible to myself these last few days but I'll start with the good

 

Haven't broken NC and can't imagine a time when I ever will.

Job situation looking up

 

Bad:

 

If you know my story you know about the nosedive ending, me resigning my role, and the fact that colleagues and Other employees at my former place of business do not know that ExMM was actually still M during our A which I believed at the start not to be the case because he told me he was separated. What people have decided to believe (as they often fill in blanks with their ideas in the absence of information) is that ExMM was separated the whole time and dumped me to get "back together " with BS. In their belief that is the case most people are completely dumbfounded and feel I must be humiliated and therefore don't even mention it if they need to be in contact (which is much appreciated). There are others who think I must be absolutely heartbroken and express how they recognise how soul shattering being left must be and how sorry they are. To those people I answer in my chirpiest voice "oh gosh, no reason to feel sorry, I feel better than I have in ages, and I couldn't have imagined a better outcome " which kills further comments but allows them to question their belief. The most troublesome group (not many thank goodness) are the ones outraged on my behalf in their belief that he dumped me and think he's blind and stupid and want to side on #teamnewleaf. I happily slide into the rant that I'm so much happier than I have been in years" after which some of them tell me I don't need to mask my pain for them.

 

The #teamnewleaf ones also should they happen to find out anything about ExMM immediately text me or email me about ExMM activities and call him a tosser to show solidarity. I tell them really I actually don't give a fig what ExMM is up to, I've moved on, but they continue undeterred.

 

I didn't post this although it happened on Thursday because my emotional response scared the life out of me, and I think I regressed on the grief scale. A #teamnewleaf person sent me a photo message with the caption "can you believe how naff and cheap this is, don't worry no one is going xx" the photo was an invite to ExMM and BS 25th wedding anniversary in the first half of October. It actually was naff, but it was a line on the header that I first read with disbelief and then it turned into blind anger which I've not been able to fully turn off.

 

No matter if it was ExMM or BS who conjured up the sickening missive that they both know is a complete lie, it's actually such an overt attempt for them to deceive invited guests who may have suspected or sensed that ExMM might have been a cheater, (besides making them look idiotic) also unwittingly involves invited guests into a lie. I can't repost the phrase because it's so bizarre and unique that it be revealing so I'll just give the sentiment which is..

 

In a world filled with immoral things, celebrate these people's anniversary as a Christian Couple, due to their faith in God and respect of the covenant of Christian marriage of fidelity, family and faithfulness for 25 years and are the epitome and model for Christian marriage through Christ's word

 

Holy Crap. There are no words but I am so filled with anger because many of the guests ARE Evangelical Christians of some kind and the whole thing seems so messed up just have you bleeding party but leave Christ, fidelity and lying out of it. Just celebrate and let it go.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm still pretty pissed about this. I need to rid myself of anger. I only hurts me but I don't know how

[ladydesigner]

I'm still pretty pissed about this. I need to rid myself of anger. I only hurts me but I don't know how

 

(((NewLeaf))) give yourself a break. You are still grieving this and anger is one of the stages of grief. Unfortunately you have to go through it to get past it. Just don't let it get the best of you;)

[NewLeaf512]

(((NewLeaf))) give yourself a break. You are still grieving this and anger is one of the stages of grief. Unfortunately you have to go through it to get past it. Just don't let it get the best of you;)

 

 

 

trying hard. bath and manicure

[NewLeaf512]

Usually in business you do a 30 60 90 day plan or a 100 day plan.. I think I'm on the 100 day plan