Hi, my name is Otter and I'm insecurrrrr (ranting about LDRs)

[Pocky]

Originally posted by blind_otter

But I've seen this happen, with friends who just got older and "grew out" of the pot smokin'. Damn it, I like pot. I just wish I could get high and actually like it, like I used to.... lately I've been more into drinking and smoking cigarettes. huh.

 

That's basically what happened to me. I stopped liking the way drugs made me feel when I was in my mid-twenties. Eventually, I just stopped doing them even though everyone I knew was still participating.

[blind_otter]

Feh.

 

I just sent him an email that will probably f*ck with his head.

 

I didn't buy the plane ticket today. I think I will hold off on that for a while. Just to be sure that it's something I want to do.

 

C

 

I have to be honest. And I know men don't like to talk about "relationship stuff". So I don't and I won't.

[shamen]

Aw, Otter, I'm bummed. Thought that you were at least going to give this a shot. I don't know that it's fair to ask you to be monogamous to him since he lives so far away, but a visit? It's just a visit, girl, IMHO.

 

Nothing wrong with hanging out with some friends! You should be. But it doesn't mean that you have to sleep with 'em either. You already know that though...

[blind_otter]

Well I didn't sleep with anyone. i didn't have the heart to. It was offered and I just kinda was not interested. It's funny how you get attached to someone and all of a sudden you have dudes throwin' the D at you right and left. I got an oil change, the dude working on my car gave me a buttload of advice about where to get it fixed and all this stuff, then gave me his phone number on my bill. Har har har. And then I was hanging out at my buddy's house surrounded by 6 shirtless men telling me right and left that I am an idiot for being in a long distance relationship, and by the way here's my phone number call after 10. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 

And I was miserable the whole weekend. All I wanted was my Scot. And he's thousands of miles and an ocean away. And I am supposed to call him when I get in tonight because I don't know what time I'll be home. He called me twice yesterday but was at my Mommy's because she made me chicken and dumplings (makes my tummy feel better when I am hung over). I emailed him this morning and basically poured my heart out in a long letter. He wrote back a brief email immediately saying he missed me and I was to call him as soon as I get in tonight.

 

I will buy the ticket, if he shows me that he is concerned enough about me and my needs.

[EC]

Buy the ticket Otter!

 

Life is very short and you can't live the rest of your life thinking 'what if' because you were scared.

[shamen]

Aww, thinking about the Scot all weekend.

 

You know sometimes sex just isn't as appealing when you're into someone. Again, not saying that you need to be monogamous, IMHO, the whole time that he's gone. But, at the same time, sleep with someone when, and if, you're ready.

 

I vote buy the ticket too. Sounds like he's being attentive so far!

[blind_otter]

Yeah. He sent me an email yesterday and we talked on the phone last night for like an hour (ouch, international calls are frikkin expensive). So he reveals that he went to see his exgirlfriend on saturday (she lives in London) because actually, they were "on a break" while he was in America, and that he broke it off with her completely. And that she was upset but that it wasn't that bad since they hadn't seen each other in over 3 months and they had been fighting frequently prior to that.

 

I am suspicious. How can I not be? But he said that if he were lying he wouldn't mention her at all. I know he's right, I wouldn't disucss it if I had a boyfriend and I wanted to date him, too. Honestly it didn't bother me that much.

 

And he was in as much of a tizzy as a stoic Scottish man can be about my cryptic email, which was exactly how I felt at the time, so whatever. He said he wanted me to come to Scotland to meet his mother, and his best mate, and the rest of his friends if I wanted, but he said they are "a bit rough" and "they drink a lot". And he called me his girlfriend. He's staying in a town outside of Glasgow right now, with his momma, because he's leaving Scotland again in 10 weeks to come back to MY continent (haha) - so actually the way it would work out, I would end up seeing him a mere 3 weeks before he returns for another 3 months, so the separation isn't going to be that long.

 

At any rate the only option I have is to trust him. But I accept that it's in a man's nature to like variety, so I don't mind that much. Anyways I flirt with boys constantly. But when I talk to him he seems so innocently devoted to me in his way. I actually do trust him and I am strangely surprised by that.

[prisoner]

i do it so it feels like hell

i do it so it feels real

i guess you could say i have a call

 

it's easy enough to do it in a cell

it's easy enough to do it and stay put

it's the theatrical

 

fr. lady lazarus by Sylvia Plath

 

 

now, where are you now? somewhere in between having the ambition to make a go of it and having none at all. if he knew YOU would he write more? would he have talked to you about the ex (now she is an ex). oh and i am wondering why if he is from killermont street (it is in glasgow) and she is in london..,. does he have a penchant for LDRs in the first place?

 

okay enough about him. how are you doing? would he write more if he knew You? would he have posted you a letter the day he left? Is it Amsterdam you really want?

 

IMHO you have something on your mind about his being gone. is it what you thought it would be? are you relieved to be feeling free? are you projecting on to your paramours? or are you happy to e free to see them?

 

okay, i will ask? do you miss him? are you feeling 'without him'?

 

it is not a need otter. it is not a need. it is all a response you have. you describe it so well with excellent stream of conciousness in between.

 

it is a response to that oubliette of yours. keep eating. step by step.

 

as far as your surprise goes, have you had any reaction to it? i could go on about that for hours.

[blind_otter]

Ah ha! The prisoner has returned, with sage advice in hand to cut through the bullsh*t like a hot knife through butter.

 

I am his second LDR. He was with his last chick for 5 years. Hmmm. Methinks he does have a penchant for LDRs. Because they are not relationships with the actual person, but with conversations, and ideas in your head, and pictures. The "dates" you have are 2 hour long, overly expensive international calls, and email exchanges.

 

He said that he and I have a very different relationship than his past relationships. He said that I make him feel more like himself? This is a confusing statement to me because I am always just....me....obnoxious, chatty, emotionally random, capricious otter.

 

Where am I? I still miss him and think about him every day. I think about him at friend's houses, and when I am out I miss having him with me. I miss his skin smell. I have a pair of his knickers at my house still. He is writing more and more. I think he was put off by a long email I wrote where I honestly admitted that I was being attacked from all sides by male acquaintences. I told him they were useless and shiftless and only made me miss him more. He was jealous.

 

Now that the high has worn off we are both left with an affection that seems almost strangely...not intense. It is consistent, and calming. When I see his emails I don't have that breath-taking gasp of excitement. I feel....warm inside. Comfortable. Happy.

 

I don't even want that intense, all-encompassing, obsessive love that I once had not so long ago. It wasn't really love and it frightened me. This is different. My parents like him and ask after him and are interested in helping him get immigration sorted out so he can move to the states. Either he is well a truely a good person, or he is an adept con man.

 

My paramours can go shove it. I could do without all of them. If I could have time with him. They are like balls of string to me. I am baffled that a man would want to spend money on a woman who admits she will not have sex with him and that she is emotionally devoted to another man. Then again they are betting that in 3 or 4 weeks this will wear off.

 

I don't want Amsterdam. I just want a solid week with my lover.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by blind_otter

This is a confusing statement to me because I am always just....me....obnoxious, chatty, emotionally random, capricious otter.

yeah baby, I love f***ked up chicks like you

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by alphamale

yeah baby, I love f***ked up chicks like you

 

Mmmmmuuuuuaaaaah. *smooch*

[Debster]

Hi Blind Otter,

 

Long distance relationships don't work for me. While the long distance calls, constant emails, etc are pretty romantic (like star-crossed lovers) I miss the intimacy of everyday life.

 

From your posts, it appears as though you are searching. Searching for something or someone, I don't know - but it just seems as if you appear lost. That you've kind of put your energy into this guy hoping that he will be the answer. Maybe I'm completely off-base, but I don't get the feeling your really into 'him'.

[BigB]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Now that the high has worn off we are both left with an affection that seems almost strangely...not intense. It is consistent, and calming. When I see his emails I don't have that breath-taking gasp of excitement. I feel....warm inside. Comfortable. Happy.

 

I don't want Amsterdam. I just want a solid week with my lover.

 

someone's in love..

[alphamale]

Originally posted by BigB

someone's in love..

BIGB, you look like Curley from the 3 stooges, NYUK NYUK, whoop whoop

[BigB]

Originally posted by alphamale

BIGB, you look like Curley from the 3 stooges, NYUK NYUK, whoop whoop

 

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Debster

Hi Blind Otter,

 

Long distance relationships don't work for me. While the long distance calls, constant emails, etc are pretty romantic (like star-crossed lovers) I miss the intimacy of everyday life.

 

From your posts, it appears as though you are searching. Searching for something or someone, I don't know - but it just seems as if you appear lost. That you've kind of put your energy into this guy hoping that he will be the answer. Maybe I'm completely off-base, but I don't get the feeling your really into 'him'.

 

You know what, Deb? I don't know that I have the mental or emotional capability to be really into anyone. I have an issue with enmeshment. My exhusband always complained of me pushing him away, and my other really LTR with my psycho ex was a series of break ups and make ups - I would break up with him, he beg for me back, etc.

 

It's a legacy of my past I think. I hold a part of myself away from everyone and I think I always will. In fact, I remember saying to my exhusband that we always got along better when he had his own place. True with my exBF, too - we NEVER lived together, he stayed over a lot, but I would get sick of him and tell him to go home.

 

I am one of those people who requires a lot of complete alone time. I need to be by myself, when I come home from work I don't want to talk to anyone. When I am in a funk I want to be left alone. I don't want people to accompany me to the hospital, and when I am in pain I get animalistic and I want to crawl into my cave. I am loathe to admit dependency on anyone, anymore, and am hyper afraid of becoming codependent.

 

My neuroses...make LDRs ideal, for me. The intimacy of every day life is what kills relationships, for me.

[BigB]

Originally posted by blind_otter

I am one of those people who requires a lot of complete alone time. I need to be by myself, when I come home from work I don't want to talk to anyone. When I am in a funk I want to be left alone. I don't want people to accompany me to the hospital, and when I am in pain I get animalistic and I want to crawl into my cave. I am loathe to admit dependency on anyone, anymore, and am hyper afraid of becoming codependent.

 

Might you be a cancer?

 

I'm the same way with needing a lot of time alone to re-charge my batteries. My sister says it's very typical of a cancer, we retreat into our little safe shells whenever we feel vulnerable.

[blind_otter]

Strangely enough, I'm a libra. I don't know that I fit the bill in terms of libras. My scale is WAaaaaaAAAAaaaay offf balance.

[prisoner]

have you ever stopped to consider how jello came to be so popular? how it can exist in it's universal state? it is just as delicious when gooey and formless. itis an amazing site to behold when transformed by a mold. have you evert tried to buy one of those molds? they are a tough bargain at best.

 

Otter,

 

tell him you do not fit in to a mold. tell him it is an expensive and painstakingly trial and error proposition to get you to fit in to some way things have been before. tell him the last things you need are 1. a list of his needs (you have your own and our-the collective LS- want your happiness), 2. comparisons with loves lost or girls from london recently broken up with, and 3. (this i have been saving) the responsibility of being his key master.

 

the last thing you need is a man who tells you that he has been in chains until he met you. if he was so locked away (you already see where this is going) then how the hell did you meet in the first place?

 

YOU are locked away too. Who has been doing all the sharing if you have released him and you are slowly releasing? so considering my long winded yet salient point, where are you?

 

Go to scotland lknowing that getting to know him starts then. it is the curse of LDRs. you are without the intimacy and left with only the YTOU and HIM.

 

more later...duty calls

[prisoner]

i sat and re read the whole thread again.

 

Try reading John O Hara. Appointment in Sammarra. Butterfield 8 (see the movie, too). I just read The Star of The Sea. It will get you away from Plath for a while yet put it all in to perspective.

 

Your time away from Scot does the same. Dealing with paramours (read: predators)does the same. All that perspective and what to do?

 

you know the drill. pieto a pieto.

 

scotland is a lot of giving for you to do. it is a big step. it will give you the insight you need to decide how much more surprised you will become. how much more trusting you will be doing in the near future. has he written you today? are you missing him TOO much? I hope not.

 

You will get to see HIM and also what it is that goes on in between his being there and not that he gets away from when he is with you. Are you looking forward to being the fish out of water? I hope he makes you feel welcome.

 

I am happy that you are feeling warm and you are missing hima nd the discomfort is minimal but there is a lot at stake here and it is important that you see the risks for what they are. Do you think you are handling everything well?

 

you know you like your space: consider how much space you will have/need in Scotland.

 

be prepared for the jetlag and the general irritability territporial otters who carry their mattresses places to sleep.

 

you have to take a pillow. you have to take pictures of your dogs and your cats. l you should consider (i am serious) taking snapshots of your family and putting barking on that i pod mini so that you can listen to them if you want.

 

Amsterdam may simply serve as a means of escape which you will have to decide on. play that one by ear i think. could be fun, though. you deserve some fun if not a drink at The Blake Hotel (worth every penny).

 

I do not mean to have a tone that implies anything beyond direction. you are stepping in to new places now (literally) you need to see that you will feel very lonely if he alienates you after you have travelled so far to see him. and alienation can come from tiredness and dehydration and yes, paranoia. Oh and they have Internet cafes there. no T3 but internet none the less. LS will be here.

 

Oh and then there is the scrutiny. I am bringing it up because it becomes an elephant otherwise. His mother. His best friends. They cannot see YOU. They can only see you. you yourself are a miracle Otter. they have all the work to do in order to find that out.

 

okay so I have said my piece. I am happy that you are happy. I can only offer my opinions from experience. i too once travelled the ocean blue to see if the heartbeat sounded the same. I knew from the first kiss. Was there lightning striking again? Did I ask too much when I wanted the hundred thousand volts every time? comfort made it easier but so does a cup of tea and a biscuit. I got that everywhere I went. I think that true love is the hundred thousand volts. even if there are bills to pay.

 

Now to something YOU mentioned:

 

don't dismiss the complexity of your personality. You swim init yes but you sometimes defer to a meek Otter that downplays the fact that you have more to offer than most. You don't have to do that. And you don't have to be 'in love' to get on a plane either.

 

it's a big step. waht are you going to do? how is everything else? yes i mean the hospital.

[blind_otter]

I want to go to Europe. I was there once when I was young, 15, and I loved how everything was so old you could touch the buildings and feel that millions of people from bygone eras had touched the same place, or passed by the same sights. So, and so. Mostly I have the attitude that, I care less than nothing about what other people think of me. If they think well, then fine. If not, leave me the hell alone and stop bothering me.

 

The hospital was excruciatingly boring and the tests were as always inconclusive. Convulsions, well stay away from cocaine and ecstasy and don't stay up for 24 hours or longer. And don't look at strobe lights. Seems easy enough.

 

He wrote me last night, complaining that he had been trying to call me. Tuesday I suppose he might have rang, but I was on the phone and didn't click over. Wednesday my phone was on the fritz and I have a man coming this evening to check the line. Tonight I am going to see "Kingdom of Heaven" but I'll try to get in touch with him. If not tonight I don't know when we can speak again. He works at the bar all weekend, for his uncle.

 

I won't have much space at all. The trip to amsterdam while I'm there is supposed to help me with that, so we can have a hotel room and more of a holiday for me.

 

I plan on drugging myself with benadryl on the plane. One thing my crazy b*tch of a boss taught me was how to fly internationally and avoid jet lag. She has a methodology. Don't drink the day or night before you leave. Don't drink on the plane. Take a benadryl or sleeping pill and pass out. Wake up feeling refreshed in the new country. According to her it works and she flies to South America regularly. It's worth a try.

 

Everything's worth a try. I'd rather do it than not and wonder for the rest of my life how things would have been different. Better to prepare the paperwork to throw away (I learned at work) than to have to backtrack and do it after the fact.

[EC]

Everything's worth a try. I'd rather do it than not and wonder for the rest of my life how things would have been different. Better to prepare the paperwork to throw away (I learned at work) than to have to backtrack and do it after the fact.

 

Whoop whoop..Bo's gonna snatch herself a man!!!

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by EC

Whoop whoop..Bo's gonna snatch herself a man!!!

 

 

He must be stoned. He's sent me two emails since he got off work today. One was to reassure me that some pictures he took of me in the bubble bath didn't show any naughty bits. The other was a long email about how he was thinking of me and he adores all 5'1" of me. Awwwwww. I feel the luuuv.

 

I had a dream last night where I was in a toy store during a hurricane, and the windows shattered and glass sprayed everywhere, and he drove in with a truck and picked me up out of the glass. Then we went to a pool party and I think Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys was there.

 

Well the first part of the dream was nice.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by blind_otter

I plan on drugging myself with benadryl on the plane. One thing my crazy b*tch of a boss taught me was how to fly internationally and avoid jet lag. She has a methodology. Don't drink the day or night before you leave. Don't drink on the plane. Take a benadryl or sleeping pill and pass out.

great, so you be snoring up a storm and bugging other passengers while you're in LA LA land dreaming of foot long doobies and well-hung guys that can f*** for hours. not to mention all the drool that will be exiting from the left side of your open mouth!

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by alphamale

great, so you be snoring up a storm and bugging other passengers while you're in LA LA land dreaming of foot long doobies and well-hung guys that can f*** for hours. not to mention all the drool that will be exiting from the left side of your open mouth!

 

 

I'll be ready to jump his bones when I get off the plane at 8 frikkin 30am (jeebus. An 11 hour plane trip + layover )