Hi, my name is Otter and I'm insecurrrrr (ranting about LDRs)

[prisoner]

will you make sure you eat?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

will you make sure you eat?

 

Hah! You sound like my boyfriend. Yes, I shall eat. A bit. As much as I can stand. Maybe an ensure or something (my mother forces those on me).

[prisoner]

a vanilla milkshake and a double chocolate chunk cookie with macadamia nuts mash at the bottom is more like it.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

a vanilla milkshake and a double chocolate chunk cookie with macadamia nuts mash at the bottom is more like it.

 

I would prolly throw up. I can't stand rich desserts. I got yelled at the other day at work for tossing cake and ice cream because it was making me dizzy. Blood sugar overload!

 

Well my daddy has come to pick me up from work. I'm off. I have been commanded to call my lover ASAP when I get home. Then, to therapy.

[prisoner]

then you can have the carrot cake. i hear it's pretty good.

 

 

i guess my point was that ensure is not a balanced meal.

 

did you get one in the end? any shaking?

 

you flatter me so much with your Yeats comment. thank you.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

did you get one in the end? any shaking?

 

you flatter me so much with your Yeats comment. thank you.

 

I love carrot cake. And you deserve the compliment. So there.

 

I didn't manage to eat anything last night. Wait - I had 3 taquitos. ha ha. My therapy session ran late and I didn't get home until nearly 9, and I was so blah and I chain smoked 2 cigarettes and it supressed my appetite and I didn't end up getting hungry until around 11pm. So I ate a few bites of food and passed out. But I managed to wrangle half a bagel this morning and my friend R is taking me out for lunch. I told her i had no money, she offered to pay. She said she was going into "otter withdrawals" because we hadn't talked since Monday. I value my alone time...

 

No shaking today, surprisingly. My therapy session was hard, though. Initially I was almost rushed, everything spilled out after she said "so how have you been recently?" - and I went on about the flashback I had yesterday morning, and how I had intense anxiety regarding therapy. She wants to try CBT and have me re-experiencing the traumas. I said no way. I explained why and she realized that I had a bit more insight than she did. I would have to take a leave of absence from work to deal with all the emotions that would surface from re-experiencing those traumas. I mean honestly. If it were one rape, or one incident, or even just the childhood physical abuse I would feel more comfortable doing that. But it's one thing after the other 5 separate traumatic incidents, which occured at random intervals in my life.

 

I overcame the learned helplessness that this resulted in, by recognizing that it WAS learned helplessness. I fully expected to be violated or traumatized every few years. Hey history repeats itself, ya know?

 

My mother keeps pushing me to go to therapy. My BF says if I don't feel ready i shouldn't keep going. I am still debating. I am worried about my functionality and my performance at work. One positive thing is my current boycott on alcohol, which I had been using as a way to cope with stress and emotional upset. My BF could tell I was upset on the phone last night. He's working 2 jobs today so he'll be at work all day and have 2 hours off, then to work until 4am tonight at his uncle's bar! Ack! I would die. He says he is working to get me a gift that I can help him pick out when we go to Amsterdam. Well I'm sure it will be good.

 

In any event, I am baffled. Things are going swimmingly. Off to eat lunch, sir yes sir!

[prisoner]

see?

 

you are someone who is honest and empowered and aware of your present and past. you have courage enough to know your boundaries. you have friends that care. family that care about you that want you to continue down the bright path. a bf willing to make the effort to spoil you to death.

 

do you feel uncomfortable? neglected? alone? is it a need you feel?

 

In other woirds, is the water warm? You are swimming, in the deep end of the ocean, and you thought you were paddling in a tide pool. Can yuo see yourself? The amber sunlight filling your eyes?

 

are you getting enough attention? Is your lover doing what or more than you expected to show that he is sincere? Otter, the point is that baffled is good. Do you even see the predators?

 

CBT would be redundant. The repeating circumcstances had you reliving and compunding anyway. Your system needs to move away from that darkness. Kidnappers who know what they are doing move their hostages every twenty four hours to different rooms and turn on all the lights so that the victim can feel as though they are getting closer to the end.

 

Why did I tell you that? Do you want to tell me why?

 

I think you are at a stage where you can set your own goals in therapy. You can see how you are doing after you accomplish them. Whatwas your goal two weeks ago? Are you there yet? You are not a guinea pig or a rat. You are an Otter. Unique and free to do what you want any old time.

 

I re-read the whole thread (i am at work but my brain is off today) and I picked up on a couple of things that I wanted to mention.

 

Then I decided that I would let you do some more talking. I can talk later.

[blind_otter]

My initial goal was to get to the point where I could access my emotions in a healthy way. I have made some progress with regard to insight into the foundation of some of my issues. My inability to appropriately express anger, for instance, comes from the childhood spent with a mother with severe untreated PTSD and mood swings resulting from that. She is iron, my mother, but while that makes her strong, she is inflexible as well. I recognize that within her and avoid it for myself. I want to be the sapling that bows in the wind, but finds a way to grow, even if it is a bit crooked.

 

She would fly into rages at the drop of a hat, and as a result my sisters and I learned that it was not OK for US to have emotions, at least the negative kind. My accomodating nature probably stems from this type of parenting, as I was forced to take her mood into account moreso that I was taught to acknowledge my own feelings. I can see already in my nephews and nieces, the same sweet, accomodating nature - but for different reasons...the legacy of depression that my sisters, who have never been in therapy, suffer from has resulted in children who are attuned in a fine way like tightly strung instruments, to the changing moods of others. They are more aware than children usually are, of the emotional plights of others. They have highly developed compassionate natures, at ages 4 and 5. Even the 1 and 2 year olds already show signs of this.

 

I realized that is an important thing for me - one of my main goals in life is to be a mother, and part of my therapeutic goals involve learning these healthier ways of expressing myself, and healthier coping skills, so that I can be a good mother. I believe that being a mother is one of the most important jobs in the world. You have the ability to help mould a great person, to give a human being the opportunity to launch from a base that is stronger and better-built than the one you launched from.

 

I've begun to realize that insight is part and parcel of the healing process. To understand the basis for your own motivations and have insight into the reasons for your reactions to things as mundane as stressful work relationships, can lead to the conscious alteration of your reactions to various stimuli. Therapy involves, for the aware client, retraining your behavioral reactions - but you can do that on your own. As long as you are initially aware of your pre-existing patterns. Nurture is not the ruler of everyone's behavior.

 

For a long time that feeling - uncomfortable, alone, the neediness - was a constant companion. It has left me, and I feel strange without this companion. Alien to myself, very often, now. I am settling into a new skin, I have begun to think!

 

I like your analogy, yes I did think I was swimming in the tide pools and find myself in the deep end of the ocean. I can see huge figures silhouetted below the surface, swimming beneath me and around me. I am dwarfed by them.

[prisoner]

one day in mexico i was on a waverunner and the sun was so bright you could not see it. The sky was so blue that it was as though it was clear. The water was invisible.

 

Those same dark figures swam beneath me. They were so slow and deliberate. It was as though they were reading the ocean floor.

 

I explained what I had saw. 'Big like volkswagons' is what i ended up saying. My thin brown arms spread out wide. The man laughed at me and said 'tortuga'.

 

They were big beautiful turtles. After that I moved to New York and my life changed forever.

 

Two years ago I was swimming in The Red Sea off Taba when I thought I saw the continental shelf drop off in to nothing but black. The water got cold and I knew I had strayed too far from my vessel.

 

A dark silhouette three times my size was out there swimming. My gf says it was a shark. I knew different. After that I let my life change and I am here now knowing I did not have to fight what got me where I am today.

 

I guess what i am saying is, while I will forever encourage you I can only remind you that if they are sharks swimming underneath you will find out soon enough. At the same time you can live with them and never get so much as a look.

 

You have always been thinking Otter. I can hear the cogs spinning round and round. It is the WAY you have been thinking that may be changing. Are you happy with the goals you ndescribe? Would you say they are tangible enough for you? While they are universal, is there a goal that is so close that you know you only have a little ways to go to achieve it? pieto a pieto?

 

I have to ask: What is the ruler of your behaviour?

 

Mine?

 

Up until a few years ago it was an incredible feeling that I was never going to finish. I was never going to be at peace. that i would never have nor do i deserve time to myself. I considered myself wicked. No rest, and all.

 

The truth was: I was a cliche. i had turned my back on my passion and while I had enjoyed both ups and downs I had survived and I had a life to show for it. the problem was I did not feel as though it was mine. It was someone else's. My life came from booze and gambling and working outside of what I believed in and I had essentially built a life for someone else. How did I know I hated it? Everyone loved it so much. They used words like 'envy' and 'jealous'. I knew these were not friends.

 

So now i have not had a drink in a year. I have not made a bet in even longer (I played poker pretty well but it was not healthy for me). I am so passionate about my work that i sleep peacefully and restfully.

 

So am I there? No. But I know i have nothing I wish that i did not have. I can say that I have nothing I want to destroy or dismantle. Am I wrong? Have I run too far to get home? Only time will tell.

[blind_otter]

I'm happy to HAVE goals, if that's what you mean. A closer goal than being a mom? Being stable, I suppose. Financially secure. Yes, it is within my reach. I'm paying off my last student loans next week! Hooray!! Now I can finally re-apply to grad school and see what's up and get some more loans, har har har. MY BF is very determined that I finish university.

 

What is the ruler of my behavior?

 

Up until now I would have said "fear" without blinking an eye. Now, the fear is receding and is replaced with an empty patch. What IS the ruler of my behavior? I'm still cleaning up. I haven't had a drink in 2 weeks but that doesn't make me sober. It makes me "trying to be sober." And I still smoke a bowl or two of pot at night. Not even 1/16 of what I used to smoke on a daily basis! Progress. Pieto a pieto, right?

 

I re-read my "Somebody Loves me! What a surprise..." thread. I laughed at myself.

 

I will marinate on this over the weekend. What IS the ruler of my behavior. could it be hope?

[prisoner]

progress: that is what it is all about.

 

that is my goal. anyway, yeah a year later i don't hink i am 'sober'. longer on i do no think i am anything but progressive. having moved forward from where i was.

 

it is the same with you no? you have moved forward, right? that is what it is all about.

 

i am going to wait for your answer. do i get a weekend assignment?

 

have a good weekend. get some rest. make sure you eat. are you reading Henry V at the moment? if not, what are you reading?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

progress: that is what it is all about.

 

that is my goal. anyway, yeah a year later i don't hink i am 'sober'. longer on i do no think i am anything but progressive. having moved forward from where i was.

 

it is the same with you no? you have moved forward, right? that is what it is all about.

 

i am going to wait for your answer. do i get a weekend assignment?

 

have a good weekend. get some rest. make sure you eat. are you reading Henry V at the moment? if not, what are you reading?

 

You want a weekend assignment? Ok read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. Oh, it changed my life!

 

I like to use the word "marinate" instead of ruminate. Ruminate is kind of like chewing cud. I'd rather soak in it until it invades my pores. And yes, I have moved forward, so I guess it all really does mean something.

 

I read a bit of Henry V last night. I have a habit of reading books like watching TV. I read 4 or 5 at a time and flip to different books when one starts to bore me. I have the attention span of an ant. I recently finished "Fastfood Nation"

 

You have a good weekend. I'm going to a marijuana legalization rally in Jacksonville - the jacksvonille hemp fest, I believe it's called. Maybe someone will throw doobies into the crowd. HAH!

[prisoner]

i have been looking for some pro bono work. i will see what my boss thinks.

 

oh i should tape this conversation. anyway, thanks and have a good weekend.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

i have been looking for some pro bono work. i will see what my boss thinks.

 

oh i should tape this conversation. anyway, thanks and have a good weekend.

 

The hemp fest was a dud. A carinval of freaks. We ended up at a bar indugling in the legal intoxicants provided therein, hanging off a second story balcony and mocking the bizarre passers-by.

 

I swear I miss my lover with an actual physical ACHE sometimes. I don't long for his sex (although that would be nice) but just his proximity...

 

He works hard to assure me of his fidelity. Since he knows that he will have no place to stay when he moves to the states, and will know no one...I miss him with a tangible ache, a longing. I want to smell his smell on my pillows in the morning.

 

How can a person linger in your mind and consciousness for so long, without a visual que, without any stimulation other than a delightful brogue on the other end of the telephone? How can I still be so hung up on him, when I so easily forget about other things? Where there's a will...

 

I read a bit of D.H. Lawrence "The Rainbow" over the weekend. Excuse me if I am more flowery in m prose than usual.

[EC]

I swear I miss my lover with an actual physical ACHE sometimes. I don't long for his sex (although that would be nice) but just his proximity...

 

He works hard to assure me of his fidelity. Since he knows that he will have no place to stay when he moves to the states, and will know no one...I miss him with a tangible ache, a longing. I want to smell his smell on my pillows in the morning.

 

How can a person linger in your mind and consciousness for so long, without a visual que, without any stimulation other than a delightful brogue on the other end of the telephone? How can I still be so hung up on him, when I so easily forget about other things? Where there's a will...

 

 

Welcome to my world! But FINALLY my bfs moving down in just TWO WEEKS!!!! June 18th Baby!!

 

I wonder if it will be as intense?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by EC

Welcome to my world! But FINALLY my bfs moving down in just TWO WEEKS!!!! June 18th Baby!!

 

I wonder if it will be as intense?

 

Initially, yes. I'm thinking, yeah, there's no way it couldn't be mind-blowingly intense...but it will wear off into the comfortable familiarity of someone's day to day presence.

 

I haven't ever been in a relationship where I had to endure a separation. It's like you extend the honeymoon period out indefinately, but at the same time you know each other intimately. I can't spend 2 hours on the phone a day and not tell him everything that's going on. So like physically you don't get that familiarity, but emotionally you do. It's weird. I'm so used to relying on my physicality and my sexuality to seduce men, that I am constantly surprised that he seems so genuinely interested in...me!

 

A man who likes my personality, my weird idiosynchrasies and bizarre sense of humor?

 

Also - is it fair for me to tell him when other men hit on me? Should I keep that to myself? I always tell him and tell him how I responded (usually with a "my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate that" comment) - and he does the same, when he gets hit on in the bars he works at on the weekends, he tells me, and tells me how he responds. I wonder if that's a good thing, being completely honest?

[EC]

Initially, yes. I'm thinking, yeah, there's no way it couldn't be mind-blowingly intense...but it will wear off into the comfortable familiarity of someone's day to day presence.

 

I know..thats what I am scared of. Because *I KNOW* that love is not the fairy tale story that I once thought it was and that you get into a comfortable zone which is ok. The butterflies die down and its ok. But I am his first gf and so he doesnt know any of this and we have had an LDR for such a long time now that I am afraid he will come down, the intensity will die out, and that he will think he is not in love anymore, or that I am not, or that we are dying out? You know what I mean jelly bean?

 

I haven't ever been in a relationship where I had to endure a separation. It's like you extend the honeymoon period out indefinitely, but at the same time you know each other intimately. I can't spend 2 hours on the phone a day and not tell him everything that's going on. So like physically you don't get that familiarity, but emotionally you do. It's weird. I'm so used to relying on my physicality and my sexuality to seduce men, that I am constantly surprised that he seems so genuinely interested in...me!

 

OMG its like reading my thoughts. lol I know exactly what you mean. I was used to using my body and sexuality to get and keep guys. But with I couldn't do that and so for the first time I had to open up and use my mind to keep him interested. It was fun and new and I liked it. Finally I could really connect with a mind and not just a body. ( not that the sexy pics i sent him didnt work either ) lol

 

Also - is it fair for me to tell him when other men hit on me? Should I keep that to myself? I always tell him and tell him how I responded (usually with a "my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate that" comment) - and he does the same, when he gets hit on in the bars he works at on the weekends, he tells me, and tells me how he responds. I wonder if that's a good thing, being completely honest?

 

Its fair. The thing you have to remember is that it is KILLING him that he cannot be there with you and the fact you have guys hitting on you left and right and hes not there to do anything about it it, kills him. Even if you tell him how you responded, it will still hurt him and give him insecurities. I used to do it a lot just so that my bf would know what he had and make him remember how hot I was. But I never realized I was hurting him by doing that sometimes and making think he would lose me sometimes.

 

So I mean yeah you can tell him but not all the time and not EVERY single little incident.

[prisoner]

We will have to discuss Frankl and pattern recognition and Epictetus and the silent command later. You two have stumbled on to something Notorious (read: BIG).

 

In the meantime I can tell you both (from experience) that I know why the intensity dies. I know why things can go sour. I have had this happen.

 

After the seperation, can you imagine the things that are no longer true? The distance is like those confusing time travel dramas. There are things that are happening (time is passing) that has messed up the timeline of events. While I will not stray toward relativity it is the same thing.

 

No, seriously: list them. Think ofthe things that are no longer true about your relationship. I will share my list but please consider your own.

 

The distance has inspired so many things. So many new ways of being and communicating and getting attention. It has also inspired new ways that you relate to everything around you. You might wear soemthing different. Eat at different times. Talking menas that you will think less. Times changes in value. We read less. Share more. Compromise more. Lose space. Sleep less. People change you. Especially when they are in the room. For the better? In my case, yes. In your cases, I hope so. I can honestly say while life is so peculiar it is just one of those things when she is not around. The problem is when we are back and distance between us is once again a choice, it is easy to let life be one of those things.

 

Take the glass. First empty. Look at all those rocks. Now we wall know you have to put the big rocks in first or you will never be able to get both the rocks and the water in the glass at the same time. All the time I have been apart from her I have been able to fit in more small rocks.

I have only had to have energy enough to letters and talk openly and dream little dreams. When we are together my enrgy goes to pleasing and caring and loving up close. sameamount of energy but directed different ways. Like driving at night. The headlights are on. How can the car be the same? It can't be but the difference is so subtle but it is annoyingly there. And it can change everything. Relationships that have been reaffirmed (by closing the distance) have very subtle differences that can compund and change everything.

 

Now think of you. Are there things that you are doing differently becasue they are no there? Are there things they are doing differently because you are not there? Yes I mean everyday things. The things we label idiosyncracies and quirks. The things that make us, US.

 

Look, take me for example. I get up and I go to work and I come home and I cook and I readf and watch telly and read some more and go to bed too late and then decide that I may as well wait another half hour and call me gf before she goes to work and then I get some sleep while I have the chance.

 

Now what amongst those things will change when we are reunited (and it feels so good)? What in your daily schedules/routines will change? Now think about your daily emotional routine. And the fact that there will be an observer. Does this make sense? Does this sound familiar? The intensity can be preserved with actual dates. Long walks to absolutely nowhere. making out in public. We have to remember that they know their being there is our being there too.

 

I know that I may be stating the obvious, but in such a complicated world it is the obvious that remains neglected the most.

 

Otter: your assignment, please? Are you taking care of yourself? As for those questions. I feel haunted by her sometimes. When it is too quiet I remember her whisper louder thanher voice down a transatlantic telephone line. When I am sleeping i wake up with her name on mylips. I used to wake up and ask her how she was. Now I get no reply. The missing her makes it easier to miss her I guess. I would be in such turmoil if I didn't feel the way I do.

 

As for Woody Harrelson. We (including boss laughing alot- not at the cause the prospects for the meeting) think he is off message.

[blind_otter]

Augh! You've hit the nail on the head. I just sent this in a letter to my lover today:

 

God I really miss you, with a physical ache. I want to be able to touch you, to hug and kiss you and feel your skin on my skin. I am so frustrated. I feel like I'm just sorta waiting to see you again, and passing the time until then. Which I suppose is the truth. Everything I do right now is "in the meantime."

 

Everything I do now seems to be something to do to pass the time until I can see him again. I spend time with my friends, with my family, I do the dishes, and he is an intangible, ghostly presence that keeps me company inside my mind. Now I understand why for some people distance means nothing, because you carry the essence of your love inside your head and heart. It's reinforced by physical presence, but when we speak, there is never an awkward pause. We rush over ourselves to talk about the things we've saved up all day to mention to each other. Interesting tidbits of gossip, strange things we saw. International political commentary, on his part (for those portions of the conversation I shut up and learn rather than insisting on some ill-formed opinion based on heresy and stupidity).

 

Funny enough I grew up with a father in the submarine service, when I was a tot (he retired by the time I was around 10). My mother endured period of separation quite often that are about the length of time I'm spending apart from my lover. No telephone coversations were even allowed for the men on the submarine. She got to talk to him once, when she lost a baby, and they did a detour and let him off the submarine so he could be with her.

 

My mother became a master at keeping herself occupied. When her husband was present, she would be devoted to him in every way. The trouble, for them, came a few years after he was off the submarine service and doing desk work. The period separations had worked well for their marriage and that's how they grew to know each other, the realities of their daily existance with each other put a heretofore unknown strain on their relationship - they argued constantly for a few months, went to speak with the minister on the base, and learned a way to live, somehow, harmoniously. I'll have to ask mother about that.

 

It's funny to see them today. They still seem to operate on separate wavelengths, and at the end of the day they seem to come together in some strange reunion.

[EC]

It's funny to see them today. They still seem to operate on separate wavelengths, and at the end of the day they seem to come together in some strange reunion.

 

Its funny. Thats how I feel sometimes. Its like we live our own lives, and even when hes down here its like we are in two different worlds of our own but connect in some weird way and can't be without eachother.

 

Prisoner you definitely hit the nail on the head. I’m praying that when he moves down we can merge together ok. I know some things will be different and that some other things will take getting used to. I’m so scared, terrified that maybe it will all fall apart once he does move down and that I have set up this illusion for a year and a half and that I will be so disappointed.

 

Im so scared.

[prisoner]

in the meantime. sure. but there is more, right? it is about blossoming. it is about oopening up. the time away from the sun is when flowers grow the most. it is just expression that causes the buds to break when the sun is there.

 

in other words, it is still a rose before it blooms. the sun is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

EC: have you grown since you last spent a long time with him? have you seen more? done more? do you have more to share? We think we haven't saved anything for people. We think the time has done us an injustice. the truth is they do not see it all. they do not get a full picture. they get bits and spells. what are you scared of the most? what makes you uncomfortable? is it the anticipation or is it somehting deeper? something you do not have a word for yet? you want an idea? embrace the fear. let him smell it. if he can he will do something about it. he will date yoiu again without announcing it. he will make sure that youyr time together is your time together. you will get what you want IF he is the one. the way you will knwo if he is not the one is IF he does not give you what you want. the equal and opposite is true, too but if he wants support and advocacy he can sign on to LS and find someone who will push his POV.

 

Otter: It is all true. You are waiting. So is He. The way you describe it is so very real. You will have the strange reunion. the physical side of your relationship will come back. So will everything else at once. It can be quite overwhelming. My gf has explained on numerous occasions that it takes a minute or two for her to warm to me again. To remember what I feel like. Not as a memory but as a reality. make sense? you do. that i can tell anybody who would listen.

[blind_otter]

Strangler Tree

 

Strangler tree - that is what my relationships have been. Funny that you mention this - "the time away from the sun is when flowers grow the most"...in previous relationships, with my partner by my side, usually controlling every move I made, our relationship grew up and around and within them and me. Like a strangler tree - leaning on them for support but eventually the relationship would take hold of both our lives. Usually quite quickly. The men I picked were obsessive, completely invaded by an obsession with me and "us".... eventually the tree would kill off what it had leaned on for support, and the relationship became the focus. The be-all-end-all...

 

To live like that strangled me, too. I would gasp for air, claw at them to rip the relationship off of me. Push push away. It seems like this room - this space we have between us - has given me the space to bloom in my own right. I don't lean on him for anything. he's just there, beside me, like a ghost. Like spanish moss, invading my physical presence yet not feeding off of me at all...

[prisoner]

you have done it again. you have written something that has made me eat half my dinner. stop and think. let it get cold and then finish it as it is.

 

you have done it again. written something days ago that has made me re-read the last week's entries.

 

look, it is about the windows. the air conditioning. the windows and the air conditioning. can you expand? seriously, if you don't want to, dont...

 

but you've touched on something. some line of thought has been hatched in my head and now i cannot help but think about the comment.

 

it was offside. i mean i had mentioned the mattress incident and you talked about the room and the memoriesand then you mentioned that you were having an issue with air conditioning and windows and that your bf called it 'aircon'.

 

as for that strangler tree (nice link) theory (you write so well):

 

i am right there with you. i have been smothered and drained and while i have questioned how i treated past lovers i have often then exonerated myself when i remember the psychological warfare. the temper tantrums. the horrible displays of need. self destruction. how i refused to enable people (women) while they threw themselves in front of catastrophe after catastrophe. jobs. friends. exes. relatives. family wars. anger. rage. toxic behaviour that ate away at joy until the sky was as black as their cores. i can tell you that i watched the most gorgeous day in central park melt in to an absolute metaphorical hurricane because of something that i cannot even remember.

 

it is so horrible that you have had to endure a moment of that kind of nuclear spill of a person. i can tell you i would rather be on exxon valdez cleanup for the next decade than spend one more night in hell in some circular debate with someone who drank too much and it is only ten o'clock.

 

seriously, it was an excellent observation. it is a shame it is so true.

 

as for the present i am so happy that you feel like that. it is so imporatnt that you have relationships where no one needs anything from you. you have done enough validating and deferring. It is time for you to be doing the growing and feeding and blooming. and it is time for someone to look at you and say absolutely nothing for a change. they just watch you flourish and actually be of help. are you on your way?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

are you on your way?

 

No. I fell off the wagon last night. I went to a friend's house and drank and smoked and talked and did a few bumps of yay and stayed up all night. I drove home early this morning before work, showered and got ready and went straight to work on no sleep. I feel like an idiot. Why did I do that? It was my choice, I know. My choice and I feel ashamed of myself and what I did. Why can't I show some restraint? I passed on the coke so many times and then, suddenly, I did a bump. And a few hours later, another. Suddenly it was 5am and I was like, well, I guess I just stay up and power through tomorrow. My mind is melted. I feel icky.

 

I feel ashamed of myself. Utterly wretched, not because of the coke, but what would my lover think? He would be disappointed in me. Jealous perhaps, of time spent debating Tibetan theocracy with other men. Irritated that I even went to that house with those associates. Why did I do that? Why!? I know only I can answer that question. Right now the only answer is "because I am a weak minded fool."

 

His last email was terse. a few lines. I wasn't upset. I just said "I may call you if I have time." then I made sure I didn't HAVE time. So in return, instead of the pages long letters I usually write, he got a 2 line email saying I would try to call him tonight. I am loathe, LOATHE to tell him what I did last night. I didn't cheat, or kiss, or even flirt. I talked about my boyfriend. But I am as utterly ashamed as my Catholic up-bringing can make me. Which, as you probably know, is quite a lot of shame. If I could spend the day self-flagellating, I would.

[prisoner]

Okay so you feel the way you. You did what you did. You are where you are. What next? Time to give up? Move on?

 

I don't think so. try looking at things this way:

 

All of the times you did that before. All the times you turned your back on yourself. betrayed yourself. All the times you felt this way, did you ever stop and look around? Did you ever before consider how other people would see you? Did you ever consider someone else, before?

 

LKook, I know you didn't becasue it is a viciuos cycle that i have been trapped in to. One day equals one week equals three years of not caring about anyone INCLUDING yourself.

 

One of the things you have to do is pause and remember: this is going to be hard. this is going to be difficult. You are changing because YOU want to change. In other words Otter, the fact that you even see it as 'falling off the wagon'. the fact that you are willing to share. the fact that you have taken account means that you are not moved by self destruction enough to continue with it.

 

You want to feel better, right? You want to be preserved, right? You want to make sure that YOU get through the other side? I venture that you never felt that way before.

 

You have come a long way. Last night just means that you have a long way to go. LIke me.

 

As for the bf: you have been cooking for some interaction for a while. Nothing naughty just interaction. I know how it feels to understand that your friends might be killing you too.

 

I knew you needed someone to talk to last night. I just knew you weren't happy yesterday.

 

You have two ways to go. You can give in to the urge ti hate yourself about it and destroy your self some more or you can give up on the shame and the humility and start again knowing that there is a bump (no pun intended) in the road ahead and you will be better prepared for it next time.

 

Yes that includes asking for help before the fall. I've let you down a little. i was worried my concern would be misconstrued. Shame on me.