Finding out you married a cheater.....

[ButILoveHim420]

I am going to try to keep this short.

 

I should start by saying that I love my husband so very much. He is an amazing husband and father. I have no reason to believe, nor do I suspect, that he has cheated since we have been married. However, after we were married, I found out that he did cheat on me early in our relationship (around 2 months in). I also found out that he cheated on his ex wife and the girl he dated before me.

 

I am a firm believer in second chances. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, and I still consider myself a good person. The problem I have with his infidelities is that when I asked him about it (and I did ask in a calm, rational manner), he claimed he didn't remember dating anyone else after he met me. How is that possible? There are multiple emails between him and the OW. According to the dates of the emails, he had already said the L word to me, and he had already asked me to be in a commited realtionship (he said it first, and it took me several months before I could say it back). I would certainly remember if I had dated someone after becoming exclusive with him.

 

The other problem I have is that when I question his inability to remember, he becomes enraged and starts saying that if I don't trust him, we shouldn't be together.

 

Do I not have the right to ask these questions? Should I just let it go? We really do have an amazing relationship, but I can honestly say that if I had known about the OW during the early stages of our relationship, I would have ended it immediately, and we wouldn't be married today.

 

I am so confused, and I have lost a certain amount of faith in our relationship. I am also now concerned that any time we have a rough patch, as any marriage does, that he will stray like he has in his previous relationships.

 

Am I insane or justified with my concerns? Ugh.....I honestly wish I had never found out.

 

BTW....I found out because he asked me to log in to his email to look for something because he was in a location that did not have internet service, and I came across the emails while looking for what he needed.

Edited September 8, 2015 by ButILoveHim420

[S2B]

His reaction is equally as concerning as what you've found.

 

His rage is unacceptable.

 

If you need truth then have him take a polygraph. Of course you can't trust him, what's he thinking? He typed those emails.

 

It's worth looking into it with more depth. If needed offer to sit with the ex for her side.

[ButILoveHim420]

It's so awful when I bring it up. He acts like I invaded his privacy and that I am over reacting. He constantly says "I work my ass off for us, and I am always here for you". This is true, but I work equally as hard and am always there for him, but I didn't cheat on him.

 

He really is amazing (now), but I can't get past the lies and "amnesia". It doesn't make sense, and he doesn't seem to understand why it haunts me.

 

We have been married for 2 years, and we have a blended family (my 2 sons and his son from previous marriages). I don't want to jeopardize our family by pushing this due to my insecurities about somehting that happened over 4 years ago, but I can't get it out of my head. I am losing my mind and wish I could have continued living in ignorant bliss not knowing what I know now.

[S2B]

It's so awful when I bring it up. He acts like I invaded his privacy and that I am over reacting. He constantly says "I work my ass off for us, and I am always here for you". This is true, but I work equally as hard and am always there for him, but I didn't cheat on him.

 

He really is amazing (now), but I can't get past the lies and "amnesia". It doesn't make sense, and he doesn't seem to understand why it haunts me.

 

We have been married for 2 years, and we have a blended family (my 2 sons and his son from previous marriages). I don't want to jeopardize our family by pushing this due to my insecurities about somehting that happened over 4 years ago, but I can't get it out of my head. I am losing my mind and wish I could have continued living in ignorant bliss not knowing what I know now.

 

His anger tells you he has something he's covering up.

 

The example he's setting for the kids is terrible. They will learn by example that when you're mad you yell at someone. That's no way to show kids a healthy example.

 

Will he consider counseling?

[ButILoveHim420]

I agree with everything you have said. I am angry, hurt, confused, and scared. I have suggested counseling, but he doesn't understand why this is a big deal. He keeps pointing out how wonderful everything was before I found out and thinks I am creating an issue out of nothing. His behavior makes me think that he is hiding something more, and I have dug deeper. That is how I found out that he cheated on his exes. I haven't found anything else, and I believe he is commited to our relationship and family. But I still feel like I deserve more than "I don't remember", and I feel like I am perfectly justified in wanting answers.

 

I will bring up counseling again. Hopefully he will agree, and we can talk through this in a controlled setting.

 

Thank you for your advice!

[beatcuff]

OP, it would appear (and i have been wrong so many times...) his shotgun/alphabet defense (throwing out every excuse/reason) he is actually sorry and embarrassed he did it. but being a typical man his words are making a mess of this.

 

how YOU move forward is a choice YOU need to make. i would suggest you find a quiet moment, no children, no alcohol, start with "we need to talk". men dread those words. explain why YOU believe it is an issue. if he puts up roadblocks, let him finish, then get back on topic: tell him this is important to YOU. do not raise your voice: better, keep as monotone as possible (men are wired to get very nervous with this).

 

it would be best you have a goal/end result before you talk. you will really only have one bite at this (follow-ups will be met with 'not again').

 

good luck.

[autumnnight]

As many times as we have seen the reverse on this board, I am certain that many supportive people will be coming along to let you know you have every right to be upset with his lying and continued bad attitude.

[Got it]

I have found some people, when they are in the wrong, like to employ a "best defense is a good offense" approach and that looks to be your husband.

 

Stay calm and continue to tell him why these things are concerns. How DO you know he won't do it again? He has shown a clear pattern, with multiple primary relationships, to seek out other relationships for whatever reason. Until he explains or goes through the process of figuring out the why, it is safe to assume it is a "go to" coping mechanism for him in the future.

 

I would ask him to do MC with you.

 

I don't see it as you risking your family. If he blows everything up over this then it is him risking the family.

[oldshirt]

His past and present behaviors indicate a character issue. He may not have cheated on you since you've been married and there are certainly no guarenteed that he will.

 

But his established pattern is that he fully capable of cheating and then using DARVO (look it up) as a tactic to brush over it when it is brought up.

 

There really isn't a way to expunge this from his past. There is a chance you could live happily ever after but you do need to have a higher index of suspicion and maintain a higher level of vigilance than you would if he was a man with a clean record.

 

You concerns are valid. This is largely going to be a matter of vigilance and boundaries. You are going to need to keep one eye looking over your shoulder and you are going to need to have very strong, well-defined boundaries and be willing to go toe to toe each and every time they are crossed.

 

You may live happily ever after but always have a parachute packed and keep your eyes on the instrument panel and be ready to pull the ejection handle if things start spiraling towards the ground.

[carhill]

I am going to try to keep this short.

 

I should start by saying that I love my husband so very much. He is an amazing husband and father. I have no reason to believe, nor do I suspect, that he has cheated since we have been married. However, after we were married, I found out that he did cheat on me early in our relationship (around 2 months in). I also found out that he cheated on his ex wife and the girl he dated before me.

 

It appears you have trusted and felt love and being loved in the current relationship, since married, but now have to reconcile that with perception of betrayal in the past, before you were married, and balance that betrayal with him being an amazing husband and father.

 

I am a firm believer in second chances. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, and I still consider myself a good person. The problem I have with his infidelities is that when I asked him about it (and I did ask in a calm, rational manner), he claimed he didn't remember dating anyone else after he met me. How is that possible?

Yep, we're all mixed bags. No one is perfect. The way it's possible for a man to forget is, psychologically, putting those memories in a box, closing the lid, writing 'do not touch, ever' on the side and putting it away. It's like it never happened.

There are multiple emails between him and the OW. According to the dates of the emails, he had already said the L word to me, and he had already asked me to be in a committed relationship (he said it first, and it took me several months before I could say it back). I would certainly remember if I had dated someone after becoming exclusive with him.

You opened the lid on the box and peered inside and formed some conclusions about the contents. This can be disturbing to a man, compelling him to touch a box he had put away. Upsetting.

The other problem I have is that when I question his inability to remember, he becomes enraged and starts saying that if I don't trust him, we shouldn't be together.

Yep, upsetting. Warrior response. Pretty normal for a man.

 

Do I not have the right to ask these questions? Should I just let it go? We really do have an amazing relationship, but I can honestly say that if I had known about the OW during the early stages of our relationship, I would have ended it immediately, and we wouldn't be married today.

You can ask any questions you choose. He can answer them any way he chooses, or not at all. Neither of you are prisoners being interrogated. You are both free to go at any time for any reason or no reason at all. Relationships are completely voluntary.

 

I am so confused, and I have lost a certain amount of faith in our relationship. I am also now concerned that any time we have a rough patch, as any marriage does, that he will stray like he has in his previous relationships.

IMO, valid feelings and concerns. The work is overcoming them and moving on, presuming you want to remain married. That's your work. He has his own work, all voluntary of course.

Am I insane or justified with my concerns? Ugh.....I honestly wish I had never found out.

I doubt you're insane and your response supports that. I can respect that you wish this had never happened but it has and now the marriage must deal with it. He probably wishes it never happened too.

 

BTW....I found out because he asked me to log in to his email to look for something because he was in a location that did not have internet service, and I came across the emails while looking for what he needed.

That underscores that he'd completely put the box away and had forgotten about it. Life, for him, had moved on.

 

Next steps are up to the both of you. IMO, reading 'amazing father and husband' and the tone of your posting wishing that to continue and overcome this challenge, I'd recommend putting it in front of a professional who'll take you both to task to move forward. IME, the acceptance process is the hardest part; accepting that hurtful things have occurred and accepting that the marriage is a team effort and accepting that each party has their responsibility in the now, as in the past. For him, that will mean opening that box and owning his actions. Can he do that? Unknown. Good luck!

Edited September 8, 2015 by carhill
Missed a question

[Lois_Griffin]

OP, it would appear (and i have been wrong so many times...) his shotgun/alphabet defense (throwing out every excuse/reason) he is actually sorry and embarrassed he did it. but being a typical man his words are making a mess of this.

Wow. I don't get that at ALL from his reaction.

 

His nasty, arrogant and DISMISSIVE response to the OP bringing it up clearly indicates he just doesn't want to deal with her emotional 'bullsh*t about it and he just wants her to shut up.

 

"Sorry" is about the LAST thing I'd ascribe to this jerk.

 

OP, he's shown you who he is. He's cheated in every relationship he's been in and you've seen the proof of all that in his sneaky hidden emails.

 

So

 

Who are you going to believe - HIM, or your lying eyes?

[Novembergal]

Hi ButILoveHim,

 

I can relate. About 20 years into my marriage (I married very young and he was older), I found out that my H did cheat on me with several women- even while we were engaged. An old ex emailed him, referring to their trysts and I stumbled across it much the way you did in your situation. Well, I got the same type of reaction and it raised red flags, even though he said it was long ago, we weren't married, it was just one time- blah blah...

 

Worried that it continued throughout our marriage, I asked for MC and IC. The MC suggested polygraph, which he reluctantly took. Results? It was quite a few women before we were married, but certainly after we were committed and engaged. Results also revealed he did not cheat while married. (BTW- polys are a hot topic and don't work on everyone)

 

You know what? I felt awful- like it had just happened! I had to grieve my reality- it's natural when the rug is pulled out from under you. It was like he just did it, even though he had not cheated one time during our marriage. The thing that haunted me was that I felt that I had a real choice taken away. Because there was deception, I felt tricked into marrying him in a way. I know deep in my heart, I would have left and not married him- and I suspect that he did too. That is a big deal. What hurt worse was his reaction.

 

5 yrs out and lots of IC, I still struggle with this. You have every right to be angry, hurt, betrayed and sick over this- heck- you just learned of this-you need time and gentle support. It may be in the past for your H, but this is not your past, it is your now. His reaction is telling. He should be owning it and comforting you, not dismissing or being defensive/offensive. Mine took a long time to do this and his poor reaction made it so much worse.

 

Just sending hugs because I can relate. You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Process it and take some time to figure out how you feel and what you want. xx Be well.

[redtail]

The sad truth is, the odds are against you. I too had a wife that cheated on me twice (two different men) before we got married. I was young and dumb enough to think that marriage would put an end to that. She's now my ex due to me finding out 21 years later she had started cheating again, this time with a married man.

 

You are not wrong, his anger is hiding, and you need to make sure he is what he says he is. Be prepared for the answer you do not want to hear.

 

Best of luck to you!

[autumnnight]

It appears you have trusted and felt love and being loved in the current relationship, since married, but now have to reconcile that with perception of betrayal in the past, before you were married, and balance that betrayal with him being an amazing husband and father.

 

Yep, we're all mixed bags. No one is perfect. The way it's possible for a man to forget is, psychologically, putting those memories in a box, closing the lid, writing 'do not touch, ever' on the side and putting it away. It's like it never happened. You opened the lid on the box and peered inside and formed some conclusions about the contents. This can be disturbing to a man, compelling him to touch a box he had put away. Upsetting.

Yep, upsetting. Warrior response. Pretty normal for a man.

 

You can ask any questions you choose. He can answer them any way he chooses, or not at all. Neither of you are prisoners being interrogated. You are both free to go at any time for any reason or no reason at all. Relationships are completely voluntary.

 

IMO, valid feelings and concerns. The work is overcoming them and moving on, presuming you want to remain married. That's your work. He has his own work, all voluntary of course.

I doubt you're insane and your response supports that. I can respect that you wish this had never happened but it has and now the marriage must deal with it. He probably wishes it never happened too.

 

That underscores that he'd completely put the box away and had forgotten about it. Life, for him, had moved on.

 

Next steps are up to the both of you. IMO, reading 'amazing father and husband' and the tone of your posting wishing that to continue and overcome this challenge, I'd recommend putting it in front of a professional who'll take you both to task to move forward. IME, the acceptance process is the hardest part; accepting that hurtful things have occurred and accepting that the marriage is a team effort and accepting that each party has their responsibility in the now, as in the past. For him, that will mean opening that box and owning his actions. Can he do that? Unknown. Good luck!

 

I have given the same type of perspective to husbands from time to time. Balance the past with the present faithfulness and history, etc. It never seems to go down well in that case.....

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I insane or justified with my concerns? Ugh.....I honestly wish I had never found out.

 

Even though financial documents always say "Past performance is not indicative of future results", I've usually found over the long term the reverse to be true -

the past is a pretty good indicator of the future.

 

So while the event itself might not be a dealbreaker for me, his attempts to stonewall or rugsweep would be. Without MC, I wouldn't stay. Sorry you're in this tough situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pondhawk]

I'm sorry, but if he wasn't a liar, he would have no reason to get enraged. Are you a conflict avoid-er like me? My ex did this to me constantly because he knows I hate fighting. The louder he got the quicker I let it go. Guess what?? My ex was a liar too and cheating on me the whole time.

 

Your man has no true reason why he was love bombing someone while with you.

BTW, why has he saved OW email's from over 2 years ago??

 

Look, life is too short to be betrayed by a cake eating cheat. Go undercover and get as much info as you can. Sorry, I'm not optimistic when it comes to a situation like this. Wishing you wisdom to know what to do.

[lana-banana]

Cheating and lying and all else aside, his rage alone is reason enough to take action now. You cannot hope to have any good communication with someone so severely angry. This situation will go nowhere unless you can have calm, rational discussions about very serious topics.

 

I can't pretend to tell you what to do---talking to marriage counselors, trusted friends and lawyers is a good start---but I can tell you what not to do, against the advice of another poster: don't get polygraphs involved. Please. They are about as good as a coin flip and usually lead to far more problems than they solve.

[lollipopspot]

His past and present behaviors indicate a character issue. He may not have cheated on you since you've been married and there are certainly no guarenteed that he will.

 

But his established pattern is that he fully capable of cheating and then using DARVO (look it up) as a tactic to brush over it when it is brought up.

 

There really isn't a way to expunge this from his past. There is a chance you could live happily ever after but you do need to have a higher index of suspicion and maintain a higher level of vigilance than you would if he was a man with a clean record.

 

You concerns are valid. This is largely going to be a matter of vigilance and boundaries. You are going to need to keep one eye looking over your shoulder and you are going to need to have very strong, well-defined boundaries and be willing to go toe to toe each and every time they are crossed.

 

You may live happily ever after but always have a parachute packed and keep your eyes on the instrument panel and be ready to pull the ejection handle if things start spiraling towards the ground.

 

I agree with this. If things get rocky, I'd figure he'll cheat without much hesitation, if given the opportunity. It doesn't mean you can't have a nice relationship otherwise, if you're willing to accept that this is the guy you married. An affair isn't always a deal breaker either. You have to look at your own tolerances, everyone's are different. This is a guy who gets slippery when the heat is on.

[ButILoveHim420]

Thank you for all of the responses and advice. I looked into DARVO......it felt like I was reading a description of my husband perfectly. He reacts that way anytime I bring up anything.....even the smallest things. I have come to just accept most things and move about my day in silence in order to avoid a huge blow up. I'm not afraid of confrontation, but I am afraid of confronting him because his response is normally so explosive.

 

99.9% of the time, he is amazing, but that is only when I don't question or disagree with anything. He has never hit me, but he will corner me in a room and yell. He also has a bad habit of saying really awful things when he is angry and coming back later excusing his behavior by explaining that he was mad and didn't mean it.

 

How could I have gotten here? I am an intelligent, strong, independent woman in my late 30's. Am I really in an abusive relationship of sorts - again - not physically, but emotionally?? I don't want to believe this is true. Please tell me I am wrong.

 

He doesn't think we need marriage counseling. He thinks I am overly stressed and that I should see a counselor to deal with my issues.

 

I really don't want to start over again. I have been down this road before, and divorce is hell.

[ButILoveHim420]

The emails were in his sent box.....apparently he forgot to delete the sent box when he deleted the inbox :-(

[redtail]

I really don't want to start over again. I have been down this road before, and divorce is hell.

 

I understand this sentiment, I really tried to dismiss people who suggested the "D" word (as I used to call it) when I first found out my ex wife had cheated on me.

 

But it will be okay, if you should choose to do so, because the other side of the divorce is to get your sanity back. You are very young and have a lot of life in front of you, consider how you'd like to spend it.

 

I wish you all the best!

[Mr. Lucky]

99.9% of the time, he is amazing, but that is only when I don't question or disagree with anything.

 

I'm 100% amazing with people who agree with me 100% of the time. Not only is that not setting the bar very high but your attempt to hold yourself to that standard enables his abusive behavior. Doesn't seem like a tenable position.

 

Am I really in an abusive relationship of sorts - again - not physically, but emotionally?? I don't want to believe this is true. Please tell me I am wrong.

 

I often use the "child" method, as in if one of your kids revealed to you they were in this position, what would be your response ? I'd guess you'd say yes, that is an abusive relationship.

 

He thinks I am overly stressed and that I should see a counselor to deal with my issues.

 

If he won't do MC, IC is still a good path in helping you make decisions and develop strategies...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlueBlood]

Ouch. I'm sorry you are having to weather this storm.

 

Are you in an abusive relationship? For me, yes, I'd say so. Having your partner scream and back you into a corner is neither helpful or kind. It shows a lack of respect, and control, much as his response as of late shows an unwillingness to soothe and repair the damage done. Getting angry at you over choices he made? Officially unhealthy, and a bad lesson for the kids to start learning.

[salparadise]

I really don't want to start over again. I have been down this road before, and divorce is hell.

 

It's a tough spot to be in, no doubt. One thing you have to do is start where you are now. If he is emotionally/verbally abusive, that is the current and most pressing issue.

 

I think the first thing you need to do is clearly define in your own mind what your deal breakers are. I suggest individual counseling for you to help you sort out conflicting feelings and approach marital issues more intentional manner. When you are resolute as to what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable, then you can either make the decision to work on the marriage or cut your losses. That will probably depend on your belief in his willingness and ability to change (and go to counseling), and the sincerity of his commitment. If he can't or won't stop the abusive stuff you're only postponing the inevitable.

Edited September 9, 2015 by salparadise

[No Limit]

He really is amazing (now), but I can't get past the lies and "amnesia".

 

It's not amnesia, it's rug-sweeping. Big red flag; would he visit a counselor with you? If he turns angry again, I doubt this was the only time he cheated, just the only time you know about. It might be his habit.