got any stories with a happy ending that involved cheating?

[Donburi]

I'm sure this kind of question has already been asked in a forum like this...but.

Cheating. Have you or heard of a relationship working after one of the partners were unfaithful? Can those two people ever find happiness with eachother again?

I guess to be more specific, the cheating incident was a one time thing. Can that be forgiven in time?

 

The saying "once a cheater always a cheater" can't be true for everyone...can it?

 

 

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, Ladyjane that posts on here!

 

Her husband didn't have a physical affair but a emotional one. They are better than ever! Look for some posts from her!

[Owl]

Same for me....wife had an emotional affair a year ago....very nearly left me and the kids for this guy. We're doing better now than we have in years....don't wish to ever go through something like this again, but we've made it through it, and I have no doubts about her ever doing it again. Yes, you can recover...if you're both willing to work on healing yourselves, each other, and your marriage.

[lindya]

I know a few couples who stayed together - or got back together - after cheating took place. None of the people involved seem overly happy in their marriages, but they seem to muddle along. One couple have broken up on 3 separate occasions following the cheating episode. A house was sold, separate homes rented etc. That, as well as the cheating, has taken a heavy toll on what once seemed like an idyllic relationship. But there you go - once you get into marriage and the business of having children, cheating can stop being a permanent deal breaker and start being yet another familial crisis that has to be worked through.

 

Serial cheaters want to have the security of a permanent partner, but to also be allowed to fly "free like a bird" when the fancy takes them. I don't see how a relationship with someone who thinks that way can stand any chance of long term success unless their partner has exactly the same mentality/does a good job of pretending to share the same mentality/is an incurable sucker.

 

Older people (ie parents/grandparents of most posters on LS) probably took far more of a "blind eye" approach to the occasional affair, and generally managed to cope that way. Nowadays, everyone's a psychoanalyst, nobody's allowed to use good old defence mechanisms like repression or denial...and only a "loser" carries on in any relationship - marriage or not - where the magic has died or one of the parties has cheated. I reckon that it's easier nowadays for people to ape the lifestyles - and even, in some cases, resemble the actors - they see in movies. Perhaps for that reason, it's becoming increasingly common for people to expect a celluloid-style romance that real life just isn't going to give them. So like our grandparents, we are in denial, only it's denial of a different type.

 

Long response to a short question! You can't have a purely happy relationship, just as you can't have a purely terrible relationship. The essence of coupledom is loyalty and a sort of "us against the world" mentality. Cheating doesn't always spell the end of a relationship, but once it's been discovered then a great deal of work is required for the couple to return to anything like the previous level of togetherness.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by lindya

Older people (ie parents/grandparents of most posters on LS) probably took far more of a "blind eye" approach to the occasional affair, and generally managed to cope that way. Nowadays, everyone's a psychoanalyst, nobody's allowed to use good old defence mechanisms like repression or denial...and only a "loser" carries on in any relationship - marriage or not - where the magic has died or one of the parties has cheated. I reckon that it's easier nowadays for people to ape the lifestyles - and even, in some cases, resemble the actors - they see in movies. Perhaps for that reason, it's becoming increasingly common for people to expect a celluloid-style romance that real life just isn't going to give them. So like our grandparents, we are in denial, only it's denial of a different type.

 

Interesting.. I think it was also easier to have a blind eye approach before the internet and email. The information age and our current technology level makes it MUCH easier to find out when you're being lied to/cheated on vs. our grandparents' time.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Mr. B and I started out like that when we were dating - granted we had only 'dated' for a very short time when it happened, but still...

 

I think that the experience with it was ironically what opened a dialogue between us that made the relationship we have now, nearly a decade later, possible.

[lindya]

It's true, Tanbark. More methods of communicating with the cheating accomplice (for want of a better description) = more chance of the cheater forgetting to cover his or her tracks (deleting texts or emails, hiding mobile phone bills etc).

 

LB I can see how cheating early on in a relationship could potentially lead to a useful dialogue about boundaries and personal belief systems. If both people can be entirely honest about what happened and talk openly about the feelings of guilt, anger, jealousy etc - yet still be able to look eachother in the eye and feel love and respect, then maybe there's a chance to actually learn from the experience and strengthen the bond. Takes an awful lot of emotional intelligence on BOTH sides, though.

[Bunnylove]

I think with love and comunication you can learn to understand the affair as much as possible and then assess what needs to be done to prevent it happening again.

 

In my last relationship I was cheated on the the early stages and we talked it through and I learned to understand and forgive. However my gut was teliing me not to trust him after that and right enough he cheated again 6 months later. ALWASY turst you gut!!!

 

I heard a scarey statitic the other day, that if a man cheats on his wife and she takes him back, he is 90% more likey to cheat again. In my case it turend out to be true and I TRIED once more to fix things but my self esteem had gotten so low after that, he began to lose respect for me, and so was the beggining of the end. Its been a month since we broke up and I still have huge issues with this. Now I wonder if men can be trusted at all, as he was using all sorts of excuses like "Its a guy thing" or whatever. We had good communication though and thats why I tried to give it a shot. BUT....my dad says to me after what happened..."once a bottle is broken it's broken...you can try to fix it back together but it will never be the same".

 

I think its POSSIBLE to work it out.....but if you can't forgive and trust him again, the road ahead will be a very tough one! I think it will be a long process but there is all kinds of books, forums and help for this kind of thing. The main thing is NOT to turn a blind eye and live in denial. The only way to tackle the problem is head on and as a couple. I think anyone going through this would have to be extreemly strong within themselves. When the insecurities kick in, it can become damaging to both the relationship and ALSO to that person, whether they stay together or not!

 

After my recent experience, I feel that I would never take a cheater back. I know now that for myself, it's just too hard to get over. I am personaly too sensitive to continue that way, but I HAVE learned its POSSIBLE to forgive. BUT remember things WONT be the same from that point on.

 

much love xoxo

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Interesting.. I think it was also easier to have a blind eye approach before the internet and email. The information age and our current technology level makes it MUCH easier to find out when you're being lied to/cheated on vs. our grandparents' time.

 

on the same token, though, doesn't the internet and other current technology make it easier to cheat also?

[R O B J.]

lindya,

 

that whole take on the new form of denial is awesome!!! great ideas there. That whole line of thinking can shed light on the current division in our country between the red and blue states / liberal and conservative social agendas.

 

lets trade the old bull**** for the new bull****!! I have no idea which one stinks more though.

 

 

and the follow up about the info age is interesting as well. And I think that may be the catalyst observations like lindya to be possible.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

That depends what you consider a happy ending? I cheated, am now separated, am single, free, and happy as can be.....but it's not over til it's over, so it's a happy "medium" so far so good, no ending in sight!!!

[NakedNoodle]

I cheated on my boyfriend in November of 2003. Now, in 2005, we are still together, and not only that, but engaged.

 

So, cheaters can have happy endings, but fair warning, it has been a very long and rocky road.

 

First off, I have a man that would literally lay down his life for me.

 

Second off, I have spent the better part of a year and a half regaining his trust.

 

It's taken quite a bit, but now we're back to where we should have been before I made a mistake. So, miracles happen, and it's really hard, but for me and him it was worth it.

 

I can't say that to everyone it would be.

[pp]

my boy friend cheated on me having been together ages.

 

i had always told myself that if a guy cheated on me i would leave him right away, no matter how much i loved him cos he obviously didn't feel the same. i believe that people cheat for a reason. and the 'i was really drunk' thing is a load of rubbish!

 

but i couldn't leave him.

 

we are still together - 5 months later and happier than ever!! the only things is that i do trust him less but as time moves on my trust is returning. i just love him too much to let him go.

 

as for 'once a cheater always a cheater' i do believe in that and if he were to be stupid enough to do it again i don't kno what i'd do!

 

ppx

[Pocky]

I had an affair while my husband and I were separated. A year later our relationship is as close as it's ever been.

[emotionsmessmeup]

Here is a thought though.....

how long were u cheating for?

did u find things better in the person u cheated with?

and what made you return?

[Donburi]

emotionsmessedup...

 

I didn't actually have an relationship or an "affair" with the other person...We were good friends for a while, and a week before the "incident" we told eachother how we felt (we realized we had feelings for eachother) and discussed how it was a wrong feeling to have. One night he was comforting me when I was upset about something which led to something slightly physical (he rubbed my crotch) and my bf happened to walk in and see. The whole thing lasted a min, if not less.

 

I want to be with my bf, I love him very much. I am attracted to the friend but I don't want to do anything about it. I question his friendship though because he would make me doubt my bf's feelings for me, which led my insecure mind to go crazy + he was very sweet to me in other ways, which led me to have feelings for him + whenever I would talk about how I felt neglected at times from my bf he would do the things my bf should have done which = why I think that crazy situation happened. Regardless, it shouldn't have happened, I shouldn't have let it happen...but those are some of the reasons why I believed it happen other than me being a extremely weak selfish person.

 

I want to be with my bf, yes I mentioned he neglected me sometimes but thats because I'm a needy person so that isn't his fault...I mean, no one is perfect...heck, look at what I did...

[lindya]

Originally posted by R O B J.

 

lets trade the old bull**** for the new bull****!! I have no idea which one stinks more though.

 

 

One extreme usually smells as bad as the other.

 

My view on cheating is that statistically it's very likely to occur within most marriages - let alone relationships. How these statistics are gathered (and whether we can rely on their accuracy) is unclear. What seems more clear is that sex with the same person is eventually going to get less exciting than it once was - and other fresh and interesting options will arise from time to time.

 

I lean towards our grandparents' unromantical, hypocritical but rather practical view that the occasional and discreet fling is not, in itself, a good enough reason to storm into a divorce lawyer's office. Infidelity, I think, only really becomes a deal-breaking issue in a serious and long term relationship if a) there are frequent, indiscreet and carelessly (in all senses of the word) conducted flings; or b) The cheating partner falls, or imagines they have fallen, madly in love; or c) your partner, for whatever reason known only to themselves, has decided to tell you about the infidelity. The last can mean a lot of things. It can mean that your partner no longer wants to be with you - and is hoping you'll dump them as a result of the infidelity. Or perhaps they've slipped up, know they're about to get caught - and think it's best to come clean. Or maybe they're weighed down by guilt, and imagine they'll regain some sort of moral high ground by wittering on about how they couldn't deceive you or live a lie.

 

In any event, listening to your loving partner telling you about their cheating ways is a little bit like being passed a bag of their crap and asked how you intend to dispose of it.