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[eye of the storm]

My MM and I are both in the market for new jobs. While we survived the last round of cuts, another one is coming so we are going to get out while the getting is good.

 

Which led me to tell him at lunch today that while I love him, and I know he loves me...in June when he starts his new job, we are done.

 

I told him I have gotten to a point where I want a partner I can talk about in public (we are semi out but in work circles we stay on the DL) and who doesn't leave me every weekend.

 

His new job is closer to his wife so he will be able to live with her during the week.

 

I'm sad but not devastated (at the moment). We are still going to be friends. But we will only be able to stay in contact electronically.

 

lol how silly that for a second or two, I hoped he would future fake me and tell me he would leave her. The rational part of my mind is glad he didn't but...for a couple of seconds that part shut down.

 

The end sucks but it was a good time in my life and I can't regret it. I think Ill take some time off dating to mourn the end of this relationship before I start a new one. (This time with a single man.)

 

This forum has helped me get some things straight in my head. And it has helped me remember that no matter how great I was treated, I was still the OW. I probably would have gotten further off track if not for the threads I have read here. In June when we put the final nail in it, I will probably come back and do a few boo hoos. I can't do them in RL.

[Friskyone4u]

You better reevaluate part of this. So when you do start dating a single man and it develops are you going to tell him your "friend"'is someone you had sex with multiple times . Or are you going to keep him in the dark and still be in an EA with your ex lover???

 

You ought to think that one out . Staying "friends" is going to wind you up right back in infidelity as soon as you two get together for a "friendly "'dinner that your new boyfriend will probably be clueless about

[GoldieLox]

I agree with everything you said except the being friends part. Read the countless stories here about people who try to remain friends after an affair. It just ends up in an unhealthy cycle. Friendships are always tainted by feelings and the intimacy of affairs.

[Sassy Girl]

I think forward planning the end of affairs is like forward planning dieting. Its just a whole butch of 'I'm gonna' and no real action. If you don't see a future and want to end it, just end it. Why this deadline? You're just wasting each other's time.

 

 

Have a read of SolG's most recent threads. All talk. No action.

 

 

As for the 'we will be friends electronically' - yeah, that's still an affair, just without the sex. It will hold you back from real relationships. Just take a look at some recent posters here...

 

 

You want to end it, just do it. Because I for one don't believe anything will end in June, no matter what you say here.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think forward planning the end of affairs is like forward planning dieting. Its just a whole butch of 'I'm gonna' and no real action. If you don't see a future and want to end it, just end it. Why this deadline? You're just wasting each other's time.

 

That's what I was thinking too. Seems to be a common theme in A's. But if it were a relationship between single people, can you imagine saying, "Just so you know, I'm going to break up with you in June. But until then, let's have fun." Sounds ridiculous when you switch out the married part.

[eye of the storm]

Sassy, I do see your point. lol and it is like wanting to finish the desert instead of throwing it out. I do hate to waste food.

 

I did a time frame because it is not like a toxic event that must slam a door down to halt a horrible action.

 

I have just been feeling like i needed more and he can no longer meet my needs. So, I thought the new job was a perfect time. Its natural. He will be moving back in with his wife and out of my place. I just felt, for me, it was good timing.

 

I have been friends with this guy for almost 10 years. Just because we won't sleep together anymore doesn't mean we can't be friends. I am still friends with many people I used to date. Just because needs change does not, for me, mean I have to cut them off like a diseased limb.

 

Neither of us hate each other. There are no bad feelings. Just my needs have changed and he can't meet them. For me, this A hasn't been toxic. There were a few rough patches but we got thru them.

 

And for future boyfriends...if I ever have dinner with my exAP, he would be more than welcome to come. Im not going to lie about who my exAP is or what he was to me.

[SolG]

I agree with Sassy OP. I am the classic example of planning to death and not following through. You need to have absolute commitment to ending it to actually end it. It's kind of like future faking yourself with dreams of moving on unless you take definitive action :/

[Popsicle]

I'm in only contact with my xAP electronically, and let me tell you, it leaves much to be desired, even moreso than normal A's, so you have nothing to worry about. You'll move on just fine.

Edited April 21, 2015 by Popsicle

[jbrent890]

I'm glad that you have an end in sight and I'm glad that you are willing to be honest to future relationships about this one, however, I think you have pretty unrealistic expectations about what lies ahead. First, I have yet to see a a formerAP be just friends with their AP. It doesn't work. The person usually falls back in. Second, you will be very hard pressed to find a guy that would be comfortable with the fact that you are still buddies with the guy you used to screw, especially one that is married. In fact, that would honestly send most men running for the door. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but knowing that your partner used to be an OM or OW is a tough pill for anyone to swallow and the fact that you still want to be friends with this guy is not going to make your life easier in terms of you keeping a future boyfriend. If you want to have any sort of life beyond this man, then you need to completely let him go. I'm telling you right now that your current mindset when it comes to this is only going to hurt you. Lastly, you need to except the fact that this was a toxic relationship. For four years you got scraps from this guy. Not to mention that there is a BW on the other end of this. To be honest, I kind of find your story ironic. You are doing to his wife what some other woman did to you.

Edited April 21, 2015 by jbrent890

[jwi71]

And for future boyfriends...if I ever have dinner with my exAP, he would be more than welcome to come. Im not going to lie about who my exAP is or what he was to me.

 

I applaud your honesty.

 

I wonder if your "in the future guy" would be ok with you maintaining contact with your xMoM. What if the future guy said him or me?

 

Would you be ok with your "future guy" having contact with his former OW?

 

I ask as, like you, I have no real issues with anyone (my W included) maintaining contact with past flames but I DO make an exception - an AP. It is something I would not feel comfortable with - for obvious reasons.

 

Just curious.

 

...oh, and like the others, I am suspicious of maintaining contact.

[MissBee]

I think forward planning the end of affairs is like forward planning dieting. Its just a whole butch of 'I'm gonna' and no real action. If you don't see a future and want to end it, just end it. Why this deadline? You're just wasting each other's time.

 

 

Have a read of SolG's most recent threads. All talk. No action.

 

 

As for the 'we will be friends electronically' - yeah, that's still an affair, just without the sex. It will hold you back from real relationships. Just take a look at some recent posters here...

 

 

You want to end it, just do it. Because I for one don't believe anything will end in June, no matter what you say here.

 

Ditto.

 

I've yet to see that work out well.

 

It's not like a job where you have to stay to a certain end date. It's like folks who plan final vacations and the rest with their MP, I mean it doesn't help you to break it off. How do you plan to detach between now and June or you think it will be realistic to say on June 1st, okay we're done now?

 

It's best to end now I MO than forward plan it as that almost never works.

[m4p]

I'm not so sure about the notion of an "end date".

 

xAP and I planned to end it so many times.... but unfortunately it was all talk and nothing happened. We just found excuses after excuses to continue. It only took Dday for things to explode in our faces and truly, seriously, end it for good.

 

Trying to stay friends is near impossible (for me) too. When you started as friends, once you slip into the intimacy of lovers, it is hard to get back to platonic friendship without a break of no contact in between.

 

As you draw nearer and nearer to your "end date" you'll find yourself getting more and more desperate to salvage the A.. remembering all the fond memories.. It is cruel and torturous..... and it really won't be easy. We all have our rational minds but sometimes knowing the "right thing" is different from actually doing it.

 

I guess it will be easier if the affair had ran its course... eg, feelings faded, passion lost... but you mentioned that you love him and he loves you too. It will not be easy.

 

If you are sure that ending it on your "end date" is the only way, then I wish you all the best and strength to do a clean and abrupt end when the day comes. It can only get better onwards when you free yourself from being the OW if there is no future together in sight.

[jellybean89]

Why wait til June? Why not May? Why plan some big ending?

 

So he actually lives with you? And does his wife know?

 

You can't go from lovers to friends on June 1. You need time to give the ending and it's not healthy to "remain friends" while you are grieving. One day, yes you could be friends, but not immediately. Just because you have known him for 10 years doesn't mean you will be friends or you should be friends. You will just transition from a PA affair to an EA affair. That's not good for YOU cause you are still holding onto him.

[jan2012]

My MM and I are both in the market for new jobs. While we survived the last round of cuts, another one is coming so we are going to get out while the getting is good.

 

Which led me to tell him at lunch today that while I love him, and I know he loves me...in June when he starts his new job, we are done.

 

I told him I have gotten to a point where I want a partner I can talk about in public (we are semi out but in work circles we stay on the DL) and who doesn't leave me every weekend.

 

His new job is closer to his wife so he will be able to live with her during the week.

 

I'm sad but not devastated (at the moment). We are still going to be friends. But we will only be able to stay in contact electronically.

 

lol how silly that for a second or two, I hoped he would future fake me and tell me he would leave her. The rational part of my mind is glad he didn't but...for a couple of seconds that part shut down.

 

The end sucks but it was a good time in my life and I can't regret it. I think Ill take some time off dating to mourn the end of this relationship before I start a new one. (This time with a single man.)

 

This forum has helped me get some things straight in my head. And it has helped me remember that no matter how great I was treated, I was still the OW. I probably would have gotten further off track if not for the threads I have read here. In June when we put the final nail in it, I will probably come back and do a few boo hoos. I can't do them in RL.

 

Sounds like you might be ready for real intimacy! That is what a one on one relationship is really all about, intimacy. You cant have real intimacy with a secret affair, so get ready to show your next partner who you really are and get ready to know him for what he really is.

 

Good luck, it will be a very different experience, one you will probably have to get comfortable with after hiding out in an affair all this time. You will see. And then you will learn to respect committed relationships, you will see what it takes to put yourself out there, and in turn you will see how great it feels to be able to count on someone. And for someone to be able to count on you. Mutual respect.

 

Think of the possibillities

[snl]

I really would not recommend to stay friends as wellm. It will only complicate the healing process and will only lead to bouncing right back... I tried it... It doesn't work. Hence full NC is only way. Also it sets sign to MM/MW that you will not accept this situation under these conditions any longer. After failing though many times with dates I finally stuck to new year. I promised myself with a new year needs to come a fresh start. It was of huge symbolic importance for me. But overall now looking back I agree to why delay things anyway...with each day of happy moments come even more moments of pain and you keep sharing someone that one loves so much. Wishing you strength and happiness. Always.

[eye of the storm]

We have discussed it. No big emotional scenes. Neither of us are into them.

 

We both wish things were different. But they aren't.

 

I told him that when he moves back to where his wife lives for his new job I want to be done. He agrees that it would not work for him either.

 

Neither of us is going to try to hang onto this once he moves. We both feel the time has come for us to be done with our A.

 

I haven't said June 1st. If his job opens earlier than June, we will end it earlier. We discussed ending on a date or ending when the job opens. I felt waiting till the job opened just seemed the more natural time frame. He is ready for his next stage and so am I. He has packed some of his gear and taken it home. I got some more of his stuff ready this weekend for him to take next week. Step by step so when he leaves my house the last time, he is down to a suitcase.

 

Maybe it is our mind set. We both frequently have job requirements that decide our lives. And we spend the time frame from when we are notified till when we leave getting in the right mind set. So when it is time to get on the plane, we are forward thinking and the stuff back home is in another compartment. I'm kinda viewing this the same way. We are both getting in the right mindset. Its not a ripping, it is more a gradual separation. To me it is less traumatic.

 

I totally get it is difficult to understand. I know I'm going to be sad when he is finally gone. (who will make my breakfast?! lol Ill be back to cereal) But I am ready to start the next phase of my life. And he will still be in it as a friend. But just as a friend. No EA. He is also looking forward to getting started at his new job. Last night we were looking at the requirements he will have to get completed in his first 6 months. It is a long list and he is going to be super busy. He is excited and I am happy for him. I'm already starting on my requirements for my (hopeful) new job. My MM is helping me set up equipment in my house so I can study and put in practice the stuff I'll be tested on. He wants me to be successful in my new life too.

 

And if this were a toxic thing or either of us were unhappy, I could see where kicking him out tomorrow (after my breakfast is cooked) and telling him to never darken my doorstep again. But it really isn't like that. We have just hit a natural fork in the road and he is going one way and I'm going another. No bitterness, no anger. It is just time.

 

A friend came over last night and noticed a lot of his stuff was gone. So I told her we were breaking up and she just laughed and said 1-2 months was short notice. She is used to hearing my plans 3-6 month before they happen.

[snl]

Staying away and no contact doesn't mean you don't care about this person .. But if you do stay "friends" the Chances for growing pain and suffering will only go up. Overall I believe that staying away is long term best for your self confidence. You were able to say no... No more. It will be hard for a long time and the light in the tunnel will seem so far but trust me it will come.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Normally I'm all aboard the no contact train, but something about your post seems very logical, clear headed, accepting, even peaceful.

 

You know yourself best and if you think this process is the one that will work the best for you, good luck with it.

 

I too am skeptical about APs remaining friends, but again, if you think it will work then I wish you the best.

 

Just take care that you aren't so focused on what you've planned that if you become uncomfortable at any point you find yourself unwilling to deviate from the original plan. I hope that makes sense, I can't seem to be able to word it right.

Edited April 27, 2015 by Gloria_Smellons

[whichwayisup]

But I am ready to start the next phase of my life. And he will still be in it as a friend. But just as a friend. No EA

 

No way will you two be able to have a 'platonic' friendship after you end the affair. You can't just shut off emotions, care and love like a light switch. You're very invested in him too. How can you begin to get over someone if you're still friends with them? Good luck if you can master that! I haven't read any stories on here that exAP's are able to maintain a healthy friendship, no boundaries or lines crossed, purely platonic.

[eye of the storm]

Well, he is gone. We had a going away party for him at work, everyone is going to miss him. Esp me. But it was time.

 

 

This weekend is probably going to be fine but come Sunday night when he normally comes home...I might be sad. I am going to be sad.

 

 

These last few weeks were a bit harder than I had expected. Part of me was angry, part was sad, part of me was ready to move on. I caught myself making some crappy comments to him. He never reacted. Finally I realized what I was doing and I apologized and he just laughed and said he understood. He wasn't exactly thrilled with our A coming to an end either. But its time on his side too. We both agreed to watch ourselves so that we don't do anything that would damage our friendship outside of the A. I did break down and ask why, if he refuses to be faithful to hi W, he stays married, he said it is too expensive to divorce.

 

 

He spent a lot of time last week networking his contacts for me. He is trying to make sure that when I am ready to jump ship and change my job that I have plenty of options.

 

 

We will still be friends and work contacts. And he is a good friend and contact to have. I told him that for the next month I wanted to go very LC just so I develop new habits instead of texting him all the time. After that we can go back to chatting about work. He supports anything that makes this easier on me.

 

 

My MM wants me to start dating as soon as possible. I told him it is none of his business. I think he is worried I'll be lonely. And if I am, that is ok. It is normal. I just need to get thru the next month or so to develop new habits that don't include my MM. After that I'll consider dating.

 

 

I appreciate all the stories I have read on here. It kept me from building too many sand castles in my mind. I am lucky in that he never future faked me. That helped too. I know he will never leave her. I know that eventually I want to have a relationship where I don't have to be careful of mentioning my partner's name.

 

 

This site has helped.

[eye of the storm]

Ok, I admit it. I am an overconfident idiot. Or maybe I had more hope than I was willing to admit to myself.

 

I stayed in contact with my MM for work, friendship, and mentorship. And we were fine. Then he said he was coming back to town for the weekend and wanted to know if dinner was an option....We never made it to the restaurant.

 

He told me he missed me, he told me that nobody made him feel like I did, he told me everything a woman wants to hear. Then he told me he was going back to his W. He is in my bed telling me how he can't live without me, and that maybe in time if his work location changes, we can be together again. That he doesn't know what the future holds. He is trying to relocate back so we can live together during the week again.

 

The next morning, I told him until he told his wife he was leaving her, we were done. I am done.

 

I think, before, I still had hope. I hoped that he would live with his W full time for the first time in years and realize he was happier with me. I now know that it doesn't matter. He is not going to chose to be with me. The only way he would leave her for me is if she kicks him out. And then it wouldn't be him choosing me, it would be I'm better than nothing.

 

I told him that we would be on very LC for awhile. I need to learn new habits and learn that he can't always be my first call.

 

I am willing to admit when I am wrong. And many of you tried to ring the alarm bell for me and I thought I was strong enough to beat the system. I was wrong.