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Issues with jealousy


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MissionPossible

I am in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, we've been together for 1.5 years. This is the person I want to be with always, he is amazing. I'm a little older than him, but we are late 20s/early 30s.

 

I've recently been having issues with jealousy, seemingly out of nowhere. He went out partying with a friend, without me there (which he has done before and hasn't been an issue because I trust him). The next day he voluntarily told me that him and his friend were approached by 2 married women who "were trying to cheat on their husbands". He said the night ended with the 2 girls throwing up by the trash can, and he laughed about it.

 

Now this is totally normal and to be expected - I'm sure he gets hit on whenever he goes out alone because he is gorgeous, women comment on his looks all the time. What's important is that I do trust him. He is very condescending of cheaters and once got super drunk and told me all about how he'd never laid a finger on another girl since we've been together.

 

BUT - he does have a bit of a sordid past, and I do not. I am his first real relationship, and before me he had only casual sex. It's always bothered me a little bit to think about, but since he told me about these girls the other night, suddenly it's bothering me a LOT. I can't stop thinking about the early stages of us dating, which was long-distance, before we'd established exclusivity. I never asked him if he was dating anyone else during that time, but suddenly I keep thinking about how he must have slept with someone else when WE were first sleeping together, simply because he is so pretty and we were apart often.

 

I can't shake the temptation to ask him - yet I'm terrified, because if he tells me he was dating others while dating me, I don't think I can get over it. I've never had casual sex, and I don't understand it, so the idea of being physical with someone without it "meaning" anything is totally foreign to me.

 

Help! Realistically, I know that what he did before we were exclusive is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I just want to stop thinking about what might have happened and move on with this wonderful man who I'm blessed to have. I'm just not sure how to get these thoughts out of my head.

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Help! Realistically, I know that what he did before we were exclusive is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

 

Wow! Correctly answered your own question :):):).

 

BUT - he does have a bit of a sordid past, and I do not. I am his first real relationship, and before me he had only casual sex.

 

I'm not sure how casual sex = sordid past? As long as he was upfront with his partners about his intentions, they were simply consensual relationships. "Sordid" is your interpretation.

 

You might ask yourself why you'd want to consciously undermine a "wonderful" relationship with an "amazing" guy? Sounds like you have an enjoyable present and a great future together, let the past go...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I have to agree. If the two of you were not exclusive, it's a non-issue.

 

Could the sudden worry be because someone else in your life (friends/family/co-workers) are going through some type of infidelity struggle and subconsciously you're projecting?

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Focus on what you have now. If he was with others before you were exclusive, then it doesn't count - right?

 

It comes across like you feel very lucky to have him, as he's really good looking. Now you need to be really secure to date a good looking guy like that. Other women will hit on him all the time. Trust and confidence are a must.

 

He's spoken about hating cheating , lots of people do, until they become cheaters.

 

I don't think you have anything to worry about right now, but as you get more serious in your relationship engaged/married ), I'd recommend you both read 'not just friends ' by Shirley Glass.

 

It helps you recognise the importance of boundaries with the opposite sex and what can be the beginning of an EA.

 

It's great he was comfortable to tell you about it, but remember you should go out with friends too.

 

Good luck

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It is also quite possible that since you are his first real relationship that he is a vigin. Men who are virgins often lie about casual sex and one night stands because they are embarrassed. They can't point to a real person so they invent them. Think about it. If he was such a player he would have some exgirlfriends lurking in his past. I read about this on other threads. It is possible.

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Well, no it's not really 'your business' whether he dated or even had sex with other people before you guy were exclusive. You could ask him if you want... I don't think that it's taboo to do so. But be warned, OP, the answer is going to make you feel even worse, more suspicious, or jealous.

 

Nope, I think you need to let it go. I would be a little concerned about him being out at a bar with two drunk women... that is IF he was actually hanging out with them. If they just happened to be in the same establishment, then yeah... it sounds like you're letting your own insecurities get the best of you.

 

What might be worth doing is to query these insecurities of yours. Why is it that you are worried about his past? You seem to focus on his looks a lot... like they are a magnet. Now, lots of men are just THAT good looking... but I wonder if there is some sense of insecurity around being with a dude that is, well, Channing Tatum hot.

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you are insecure because he is a very good looking,younger guy..i would be too

 

i am against women being older in a relationship,its simple,...women age faster and sooner or later this will backlash in most relationships were the woman is older.But of course there are positive examples as well,,my aunt is 7 years older and has been in a happy marriage

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Help! Realistically, I know that what he did before we were exclusive is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I just want to stop thinking about what might have happened and move on with this wonderful man who I'm blessed to have. I'm just not sure how to get these thoughts out of my head.

 

Ok, your sensibilities are that you don't like men with extensive sexual histories. You're afraid that your BF might be one of them. That's a conflict, it's what's causing you misgivings, and it needs to be resolved for you to get those thoughts out of your head.

 

You could change your values so that the idea no longer bothers you, or you could get the answers you need. Values are formed over a lifetime essentially, so changing them is no small feat. You probably won't do it w/out the help of a professional, and even then it would take time. So that leaves getting answers, which is sth you can do.

 

Here's the catch - you can't have your cake and eat it to. If you're gonna get answers - and that appears to be your only option - you have to be able to accept them and act in accordance with your sensibilities. That means if he provides answers you don't like, you have to be prepared to let him go., since your values are unlikely to change. Getting the answers and not acting on them would just lead to more conflict.

 

It may seem 'unfair,' but you're the one with the restrictive values. You don't have much choice in the matter as far as that goes. So get your answers, act on them, and find some peace.

 

Good luck. :)

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