I'm sure you've all heard this before....

[HeavyHeart15]

My husband of almost 8 years (18 years together) had an affair with a co-worker.

 

He told me that he loved me but was not in love with me.

 

He didn't feel the same about us for the past 5 years.

 

He wasn't attracted to me anymore.

 

He thought our sex life was dead.

 

He has feelings for her. I asked him if he loved her and he said "not like that, it's more like a crush"

 

It was just sex. It happened twice (ya right)

 

He was confused.

 

She made him feel wanted.

 

She was in love with him.

 

I suggested counseling, he refused.

 

All of this came out all of a sudden after a month of remorse and apologies. He lied to my face for a month before deciding he didn't want to be with me anymore. Obviously it was a lot more than a crush if he had sex with her and then left me. He convinced me that he had stopped talking to her and moved departments. Looking back I think he planned his escape and was counting on ME ending things but I wasn't willing to give up on him, on us. I forgave the ******* and he left me.

 

These are nothing but lies he told himself to make himself feel better, to justify what he did. They have been together since I left. He couldn't wait to get rid of me! I have to let go but it's so hard because despite everything I still love him and miss him so much it hurts.

 

(My full story is in the separation/divorce section)

[Space Ritual]

My husband of almost 8 years (18 years together) had an affair with a co-worker.

 

He told me that he loved me but was not in love with me.

 

He didn't feel the same about us for the past 5 years.

 

He wasn't attracted to me anymore.

 

He thought our sex life was dead.

 

He has feelings for her. I asked him if he loved her and he said "not like that, it's more like a crush"

 

It was just sex. It happened twice (ya right)

 

He was confused.

 

She made him feel wanted.

 

She was in love with him.

 

I suggested counseling, he refused.

 

All of this came out all of a sudden after a month of remorse and apologies. He lied to my face for a month before deciding he didn't want to be with me anymore. Obviously it was a lot more than a crush if he had sex with her and then left me. He convinced me that he had stopped talking to her and moved departments. Looking back I think he planned his escape and was counting on ME ending things but I wasn't willing to give up on him, on us. I forgave the ******* and he left me.

 

These are nothing but lies he told himself to make himself feel better, to justify what he did. They have been together since I left. He couldn't wait to get rid of me! I have to let go but it's so hard because despite everything I still love him and miss him so much it hurts.

 

(My full story is in the separation/divorce section)

 

Let me ask you something...

 

If what you wrote was being written by your BFF would you advise them to just ride it out because you love them?

I doubt you would.

 

He pulled all that out of the cheaters handbook. It's the same script literally every time.

 

Your best course f action is to file for divorce. You can stop it at any time, but this dude need a cold shot of water across the face to wake him out of his fog. Nothing tends to wake up a fence sitting spouse than to file for divorce. That makes it real and usually they will throw their AP under the bus so fast the hill have Firestone tattooed to their forehead for the rest of their lives.

 

If you have not exposed this to family and friends, please do. Affairs thrive in the dark but like the cockroaches they are, cheaters scatter when exposed to the light.

[HeavyHeart15]

We are separated. I told him if he wants a divorce that he will have to file. Our families know, I don't know how his family has reacted. I haven't heard anything from any of them.

 

He confessed, was very remorseful and begged me to stay for about a month. He then decided he didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I moved out the next day. He didn't ask me to stay and was relieved when I left.

 

Does he love her? He said he had feelings for her. He obviously felt strongly enough about her to be able to end our marriage so easily.

 

This man has become a stranger. I have not heard from him since I left over 6 months ago. I was replaced. He's moved on without skipping a beat while I'm left to start all over.

 

I hope what he did, the way he treated me and the words he said catch up to him. He's a selfish, heartless human being.

Edited September 12, 2015 by HeavyHeart15

[Lois_Griffin]

Just a couple notes. He wasn't 'remorseful.' He might have regretted the pain his actions caused, but he wasn't remorseful.

 

Secondly, I know it's a 'general principle'' kind of thing with telling him to file since he's the one who wanted the divorce, but you DO realize that legally you're on the hook for any debts he's accruing, don't you?

 

Are there still credit cards he's using that have both your names on the account? Because you're going to be responsible for that debt right along wit him. You don't REALLY want to pay for half their damned cruise to East Jabib, do you?

 

Screw general principle. PROTECT yourself financially.

[warshaw]

We are separated. I told him if he wants a divorce that he will have to file.

 

Why are you leaving that up to him?

 

You already left, he's got another woman, why would you want to stay married to this person?

[HeavyHeart15]

We are in the midst of working out our separation agreement. One of the conditions is that each of us are responsible for our own debt. Thankfully we don't have any joint accounts.

 

I want him to pay for and file for the divorce. I want him to face the reality of what he's done. I'll give him a short time to do it, otherwise I will file.

 

This affair was his way out. He wanted me to end things when he confessed but I refused to give up on him and forgave him! What a fool I was, a month later he told me he didn't love me anymore and it was "best" to end things. I don't plan to make any of this easy for him. Me filing would be exactly what he wants.

[warshaw]

I want him to pay for and file for the divorce. I want him to face the reality of what he's done.

 

The filing fees are minimal and can be split as part of the separation agreement so it's not that.

 

You want him to "face the reality of what he's done".

 

Just forget about teaching him a lesson, you're going to be divorced and he'll be out of his life. Let him learn his own lessons.

[PrettyEmily77]

Me filing would be exactly what he wants.

 

He's already got what he wants; filing is just paperwork.

 

I've seen too many of my friends wasting precious time over who's filing. It's just not worth it.

 

End it as quickly as possible with your head held high would be my advice.

 

And take good care of yourself.

[warshaw]

Me filing would be exactly what he wants.

 

So you're gonna stay married to him indefinitely because he doesn't want that?

 

Listen to what you're saying.

 

Stop thinking about what he wants or doesn't want, do what's best for you.

[Space Ritual]

We are in the midst of working out our separation agreement. One of the conditions is that each of us are responsible for our own debt. Thankfully we don't have any joint accounts.

 

I want him to pay for and file for the divorce. I want him to face the reality of what he's done. I'll give him a short time to do it, otherwise I will file.

 

This affair was his way out. He wanted me to end things when he confessed but I refused to give up on him and forgave him! What a fool I was, a month later he told me he didn't love me anymore and it was "best" to end things. I don't plan to make any of this easy for him. Me filing would be exactly what he wants.

 

If you let him file for divorce, aren't you in essence allowing him to complete his plan if indeed, as you say it was an exit affair?

 

1. You stand much better chance in the long run by filing first. It also serves as proof to YOURSELF that you are not going to put up with this.

 

2. If indeed you want to add a little punishment, then adding the embarrassment of getting filed on would just be another feather in your cap. You see, your action is what will get out of this mess. He has been controlling everything by his actions. Time to put that to an end.

 

again take my advice with a boatload of salt, but you need to get on top of this. This is war, not a cake walk.

[HeavyHeart15]

I'm in unbearable pain and am having a very difficult time letting go.

 

I suppose I could file, I don't know what to do.

 

I'm in therapy but I can't seem to put anyone's suggestions into practice. I'm too preoccupied with trying to figure out what happened, why, and how he really feels. I really don't know how much more I can take.

[PrettyEmily77]

I'm in unbearable pain and am having a very difficult time letting go.

 

I suppose I could file, I don't know what to do.

 

I'm in therapy but I can't seem to put anyone's suggestions into practice. I'm too preoccupied with trying to figure out what happened, why, and how he really feels. I really don't know how much more I can take.

 

The facts won't change regardless of who's doing the filing. The fewer interactions or ties you have with him, the less difficult the healing.

 

((((Hugs))))

[HeavyHeart15]

Thanks for your responses everyone! I appreciate the support

 

I've thought about what you've all said and I am seriously considering filing.

 

I wonder what he'll think when he receives them. Especially after I told him that if he wanted the divorce that he should be the one to file and pay for it.

 

I'm going to cite the reason for the divorce as Adultery! I doubt that would bother him, he'll be happy to be saving money on not filing.

[warshaw]

I wonder what he'll think when he receives them.

 

I doubt that would bother him

 

You are entirely too consumed over what he will think and what might or might not bother him.

 

You need to stop caring.

[joseb]

You are entirely too consumed over what he will think and what might or might not bother him.

 

You need to stop caring.

 

This.

 

Stop thinking, caring or worrying about what he thinks.

 

The sooner you do that the sooner you can get on with your life.

 

File now for you, so you can move on.

 

I know personally the pain of finding out about your partner having an affair with a work colleague. But ruminating about it is pointless.

[dignifiedgirl]

Thanks for your responses everyone! I appreciate the support

 

I've thought about what you've all said and I am seriously considering filing.

 

I wonder what he'll think when he receives them. Especially after I told him that if he wanted the divorce that he should be the one to file and pay for it.

 

I'm going to cite the reason for the divorce as Adultery! I doubt that would bother him, he'll be happy to be saving money on not filing.

 

File, file, file.

Please.

Get angry that this POS is gloating that you can't let go.

Please fire the first shot at his ego and file Monday morning.

No more thinking.

 

Best of luck to you.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thanks for your responses everyone!

 

I called my lawyer today to inform her that I have decided to file for divorce.

 

I need closure, to heal and move on.

 

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement!!