All I have ever known is ending...

[Clev]

Sorry for the dramatic title.

 

As of Friday my wife of six years told me she no longer loves me. Separation is our next step, but it hasn't happened yet. We have two boys together and they do not yet know either.

I am not a perfect husband, and I think I learned how to love someone properly a little too late. All I can feel right now is how I am about to lose the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Let me also say that she and I have always been very close friends, and would like to remain friends. As cliche as that is...

Over the past few days I have started to wonder if us being anything anymore is even possible. I find myself becoming jealous and hurt at things that are insignificant. Since Friday, my wife has drowned herself online and seemingly just ignoring the situation. I, however, am trying to figure out how to deal with this and it feels like I am just going through this alone while she can somehow find the ability to smile and laugh all the while leaving me on the back burner.

 

I find myself questioning what she is doing at these hours online and talking with her friends. This alone has caused me near sleepless nights and just more heartache. I can't stand it. Our situation is. Dry complex and it is a lot to take down. Suffice it to say that either of us leaving would make her homeless. And I cannot and will not allow her to be out out like that. Is this wrong? Even if this causes me this kind of pain... I worry for her so and I care about her immensely.

 

Even as I type this up, I lie in our bed and nurse this knotted pained stomach and just wish I could sleep. She sits just outside the room playing her online game and copes in her own way while I seem to just feel lonelier and lonelier.

 

I don't do this stuff... Spill my guts online to strangers, but I am just so damn lonely and I have no support system where I am at. I try and say busy, but I think all this is just too fresh and every day it is made more real. I'm reaching out to people because I don't want to be like this.

What can I do? I'm living minute by minute. And every one is just painful.

 

I want to end by saying a quick advanced thank you to all who read and may respond. I know it's a lot of vague info, but just know that I don't hate my wife, and I don't hate myself. I just hate the situation and everything I have ever relied on is coming to an end and I am scared. Terrified.

[Fleur de cactus]

SOrry you feel down. Do you have friends or family you can talk too? There something I did not get; Not sure if I understand why the wife is leaving you? It is good to hear that you continue to see her as your friend and you care, but please explain the real reason of this breakup. Stay strong.

[Clev]

Ah, yeah, I suppose some extra details should be explained-

 

My wife and I have just had a lot of turbulence in our marriage and we have stayed together through all of it but I think the damage that has been done has just been too much. She just doesn't love me anymore and I could feel the distance between us and I was already suspecting so on Friday I just asked her if she loved me and she just came clean and told me that basically she has been playing along as if she did even while I was trying to be affectionate and husbandly... And that she has been dealing with this for a long time now.

 

So basically it just seems like our marriage for whatever period of time has been a scene in some very long play that is now ready to drop curtain. It almost makes me feel worse.

 

I have spoken out to family and they are supportive, but far away. As far as friends, we have lived in Texas only a short while and I don't have any close friends. Those I have reached out to offer sympathy but physically it's just a very hard and lonely experience. I wish I had someone. I haven't cried this much in my life. I feel pathetic sometimes. Is this normal?

[S2B]

She may be attached to someone she's online with. Start checking.

 

Check her phone too. Find out why she's willing to leave the marriage - it's probably for someone else she's interested in.

 

Does she work? If not, tell her to start working full time immediately - as she's going to need to earn more money.

 

Sorry for your pain.

 

 

Act quickly. Expose what you find out.

[Mr. Lucky]

She just doesn't love me anymore and I could feel the distance between us and I was already suspecting so on Friday I just asked her if she loved me and she just came clean and told me that basically she has been playing along as if she did even while I was trying to be affectionate and husbandly... And that she has been dealing with this for a long time now.

 

So basically it just seems like our marriage for whatever period of time has been a scene in some very long play that is now ready to drop curtain.

 

While the above may explain her desire to leave, it doesn't indicate your reasons for wanting to stay married. If you're just going through the motions same as she is, why don't you see separation as a positive step?

 

Mr. Lucky

[m.snow]

I don't think prying into if she has an affair is relevant at this point.

 

talk to her, what are her plans? does she have a job, why would she be homeless?

 

where are her family have you spoken to her family?

 

i think your a great man thinking about her well being.

 

the marriage maybe over but the family is not.

[Popsicle]

It doesn't sound to me like she wants to separate (and neither do you), so why do you think that's the next step?

[Clev]

Thank you to all who have replied so far!

Separation is definitely going to happen. I mean slowly I'm starting to really understand that as a couple she and I just don't work. There is no intimacy, there is barely any physical contact as it is and at this point touching her to even hug or just comfort is awkward and it feels like my touch is unwelcome. I feel like more and more I am overstepping this weird boundary.

Add to all that I dug around and spoke with her a little bit about these late night phone sessions and game sessions and I don't see anything. It still hurts because all of her attention has been thrown into this online fantasy and I have just been less than an afterthought. At this point even if there is something there with someone else I don't think knowing would help at all...

 

Now, the homeless bit is because we are on a veterans program for housing and I am the veteran. So should we separate I will still have a home but not this one and she would be out of a home. She has no close family in this area right now that could take her in. Her moving out of state would be terrible because then I would also lose the kids for a time and I don't think I could handle that at all.

We are both full time students with no job. I am a vet going to school on get benefits and that supports us well enough. My wife has not been in any work for almost ten years. She has tried but lacks experience which is why she is in school. We both need school to pick our lives up and obviously that just takes time. ...this is a lot harder to explain in text (especially on a phone).

 

I experienced another restless night last night. My best felt light and fluttery and intermittent stomach pain and just this sense of worry and dread about what she is doing. All the people I have reached out to are kind of just not helping.

I have been trying to take some advice I've seen here about just bettering myself. I joined a gym and have gone once, will try to go today too, I am considering going to a dance studio and learn how to two/three step and jazz dance, also considering buying a guitar and taking lessons. I have always been a very confident individual with an awesome sense of humor and an ease of speech. I don't want to lose that to depression... I don't want to use sleep aids, but I also don't know how many more nights I can go waking up every hour in a sweat and dread.

[Tayla]

This may come as a shock, yet when all the smoke clears, both of you will realize that while there really was love, its not the type to sustain this current stance of where you each are in your lives. Hold on to the fact that you really are loved, there is just all this garbage (walls) deterring that part.

 

You are going thru the normal stages, disbelief shock, hurt, anger and then sincere concerns. Its part of the stages. You are a good hearted person to care about her well being afterwards. Few folks take the high road in divorce. I did, and I did not regret any of the formalities that while sad, added to later years of civility.

 

Find a local support group, or if you are of faith, a church. There are folks that understand. Some of us get your pain and its a true sorrow to behold...Sorry that its happening....

[oldshirt]

What reason(s) does she state for wanting to leave?

[cojo1976]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm going through it too. About 12 days into separation now. And like you, my wife and I are very close and have gone through some pretty rough crap over the years. As far as her submerging herself into the internet, it may just be her way of occupying her own mind, not wanting to deal with the emotions. Although I'm not into social media and all that, and posting on here is very out of my character, it is useful. I also live in a place where I don't have any close friends, and my family is also very far away. I know the feelings suck. And I know what you mean about being put on the back burner. Although I've been having some moments of clarity the last few days about what needs to happen in my own marriage, the feelings of anger, jealousy, regret, failure, and loneliness keep creeping back in. Keep posting updates. Good or bad. It helps to get it off your chest.