Shin_00 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Hi! I've been engaged to my girlfriend for 2 months. Since we got engaged, she keeps thinking about her past and it gets her down and me too.. I've been able to help her soothe, but most days she gets so depressed about her past that i feel helpless.. I try to help her as much but it leads to no improvement. I've tried talking her into councelling or even to talk about it with her parents but she refuses. I don't know what to do, as it is starting to ruin the relationship and I feel speechless.. We're planning on getting married soon but I'd like her to overcome her paranoid and worrying attitude first. I'd like to know if people here have been in the same situation and would recommend any help. I hope to speak about it. Thanks Shin. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Can you call off the wedding? You can't fix this for her. This is for her to work through and hopefully you don't marry her while things look this way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 It's ultimatum time: until she gets professional help the wedding is on hold. If she doesn't do anything by Christmas, your New Year's Resolution must be to get a new FI 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shin_00 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 I don't really intend to break off the engagement.. She's trying her hard to work out on herself. To be more specific, her ex has treated her badly and since I met her (online) I am everything she ever wanted, but her past haunts her and she gets paranoid about what has she been doing on certain days, as her memory is very poor. When I help her it get okay, but the next day it's the same thing again, she gets depressed and paranoid, I just don't know what else to do... I know I can't fix it for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 I don't really intend to break off the engagement.. . Why not? if she is still having personal issues about the way her EX treated her she has no business marrying you. If she's dragging all this baggage into your marriage, how can you honestly believe happily ever after is in the cards? A solid marriage is built on a foundation of two people who are secure in themselves who get married to broaden their horizons not fill in missing pieces. I also didn't say break it off now. I said fix the potential problems before you proceed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 It is extremely important that you think this all through HARD. Too many people go into marriage thinking the wedding and the love NOW will help you overcome the hard tomes. It WON'T. Whatever troubles you have now will be MAGNIFIED 200 times, that is real. And marriage is 50/50 you cant pull your spouse she has to change. Its not healthy to live in the past and getting help is mot an option. Its for her AND YOU. Love is blind and I feel you've got blinders on for her. Dont coddle her and allow her to live in the past. You need a healthy spouse. If you love her...make her change and that rewuires tough love. There shouldn't be a rush to get married and her ex should be well out of her mind. Marrying her is a BAD idea. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shin_00 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 I suppose you're right, I've been thinking of how we could live like this in the future... The trouble with her ex, is that he wasn't carrying like I am and not very present in her life. Whereas I literally live with her. She dated other guys behind her ex's back because she wasn't happy with him, instead of breaking up with him in first place (no sex involved in those other dates) She just wanted to know what it would feel like to have someone to be with. But that is until I came into her life, we have done so much in short time. She gets paranoid because she keeps thinking that she'd been dating another guy, which Is completely false, because I have been with her the whole time and I have proven it to her.. But she can't get passed the guilt of that past and still gets paranoid! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 The trouble with her ex, is that he wasn't carrying like I am and not very present in her life. Whereas I literally live with her. She dated other guys behind her ex's back because she wasn't happy with him, instead of breaking up with him in first place (no sex involved in those other dates) She just wanted to know what it would feel like to have someone to be with. But that is until I came into her life, we have done so much in short time. She gets paranoid because she keeps thinking that she'd been dating another guy, which Is completely false, because I have been with her the whole time and I have proven it to her.. But she can't get passed the guilt of that past and still gets paranoid! Do you mean her EX wasn't very caring? or are you actually carrying her, financially or otherwise? those are very different problems. But again, who cares how her EX was? She is marrying you. What does she feel paranoid about? Guilt for cheating I get. But really what is she paranoid about? When you say you have "done so much in a short time" what does that mean? How long have you been together? Have you set a wedding date? You have only been engaged for 2 months. Weddings take time to plan. There are valid reasons most people are engaged for at least 1 year. You may be rushing all of these things which is further reason to slow down, take a step back & evaluate how you will deal with the bad stuff. The poster who said marriage is 50/50 is wrong. Marriage is 100/100. You both have to give your all at all times. That way if somebody slips back 10% or even 50% you are still more connected then not. If it's only 50/50, the minute one person backs off even 1% you are disconnected & your marriage will fail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shin_00 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 Sorry I meant caring. We've just started planning and trust me, my bank account cried when I saw the bill for a wedding. Anyhows, what I meant by done so much in short time was we've been doing so much things together in the space of 11 months of the entire relationship. I think it's best if she works it out for herself in the end and see how things goes.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 You got engaged after 9 months. . . . waaaayyyyyy too fast. You need to have a very long engagement & seriously do not put down a single deposit until she straightens herself out mentally. At present she is not marriage material. If you don't address this stuff now -- her guilt, her paranoia, the fact that you are both too impulsive -- you are headed straight for divorce court. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 This has 'toxic dysfunctional disaster' written all over it. We never said you can't fix it FOR her. we advised that you can't fix HER. No amount of love, caring, consideration, support, or encouragement will have the slightest bit of effect unless: 1: She actually obtains professional, qualified experienced therapy from someone who knows how to guide, steer and direct her. and - 2: She actually, genuinely really wants to heal and move on for herself. Not for you, nor anyone else. For herself. You can't cure her, you don't have the necessary 'tools' and there's absolutely no reason why you should, or should be expected to, either. She absolutely HAS to do this. If she has the slightest amount of respect for you, or any regard whatsoever for YOUR feelings, what this is doing to you, and how it is affecting you - then she needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, that it's either the right way, or the whole thing is off. You cannot enter into a long-term commitment with someone who is so damaged by her past that she cannot live fully in the present. It is grossly unfair on you, and you can't be expected to agree to that, put up with it, or deal with it. How old are you both...? Ages....? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shin_00 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 Thank you Taramaiden2 I'm 27 and she's 30. She even keeps on saying that it is unfair, but now that you told me what's at stake, I can understand better 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shin_00 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Share Posted September 9, 2015 Her actual paranoia is based on if she ever dated someone else while being with me. Due to what has happened with her ex, she went and dated other people. But with me, we have been together the whole time and she has been texting and calling me all the time when we are apart for a few hours or a day... I have even got solid proof about her not dating or seeing someone else while being in this relationship with myself.. She is afraid of thinking that she had seen someone romantically while being with me! Which she clearly has not! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 You can't fix this. Put the wedding on hold. If she won't get help, don't marry her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 So she's paranoid because she thinks she will end up cheating on you? Yet you still want to marry her. You are asking for trouble. She is point blank telling you that she KNOWS she can't fully commit. In light of that you cannot go through with this marriage until and unless she becomes more sure of her ability to be faithful. You keep saying you two have been together the entire time. So what? It's only been 9 months. You can't be with somebody 24/7/365 for the rest of your lives so that you can stop her from giving in to her baser instincts. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 One thing I see advised often here, which I feel is very wise, is that any problems existing pre-marriage will intensify after marriage unless properly addressed and handled. (Depending on the situation, it could require a lot of work, counseling, whatever.) But wouldn't you rather grow, working as a team together, and fixing your issues... rather than signing up forever for a boat full of holes? If you are meant to be together forever, a little time to get therapy is a drop of water in the ocean. She has to be willing to work on her issues... and you have to accept that, or you may pay the price. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 If you are sure you want to marry her - and marry her as an emotionally healthy woman, you could always use the wedding as a carrot to persuade her to do the therapy. As in "I really want to marry you, but I can't do it till you've been through the therapy required to get you emotionally healthy" Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Her actual paranoia is based on if she ever dated someone else while being with me. Due to what has happened with her ex, she went and dated other people. But with me, we have been together the whole time and she has been texting and calling me all the time when we are apart for a few hours or a day... I have even got solid proof about her not dating or seeing someone else while being in this relationship with myself.. She is afraid of thinking that she had seen someone romantically while being with me! Which she clearly has not! HUGE RED FLAG that you needed proof already that she is faithful to you? Look at your posts. All of them...ad if they were written by someone else. Would you say marry her? Shes a mess, a proven cheater, stuck on her past, potentially not over her ex. I predict you are a rebound. Your wife to be should be solid RUN!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I wasn't going to comment on here as everyone seems to be saying helpful stuff already and I don't want to just repeat, but I feel like I have to because you said this. Her actual paranoia is based on if she ever dated someone else while being with me. Some advice for you: This is a warning. She is telling you straight out that there is a risk and she even said exactly what that risk is. You can listen or not, but it sounds like she is being as honest as possible in telling you that she may not be true to you later. Now if you go through with a marriage without fixing the issue, and she does actually act unfaithfully, it will also be your fault. She can say, with a semi-clear conscience, "I warned you." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Her actual paranoia is based on if she ever dated someone else while being with me. Due to what has happened with her ex, she went and dated other people. But with me, we have been together the whole time and she has been texting and calling me all the time when we are apart for a few hours or a day... I have even got solid proof about her not dating or seeing someone else while being in this relationship with myself.. She is afraid of thinking that she had seen someone romantically while being with me! Which she clearly has not! Your fiance really sounds like she has mental health issues. She really needs to see a professional and sounds like she could use some medication. Living with someone with mental illness is exhausting. My son has depression and before we found the right medication, it was exhausting to live with him. Things have improved since his doctor found the right medication and started getting counseling. I could not have fixed him either. Please do not plan on marrying this woman unless and until she sees a professional about this. If she continues to refuse, then I would not stay with her. Also, 9 months or 11 months is WAY to fast to get engaged or married. Slow down, not sure what the rush is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Are you saying that she doesn't know if she's been faithful to you? How can this be? Does she drink or escape from reality in some fashion? I am not fully understanding your statement. And if she is not fully capable of knowing what she is doing at all times, there are some very large issues here that must be dealt with before any exchange of vows occurs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueBlood Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Are you saying that she doesn't know if she's been faithful to you? How can this be? Does she drink or escape from reality in some fashion? I am not fully understanding your statement. And if she is not fully capable of knowing what she is doing at all times, there are some very large issues here that must be dealt with before any exchange of vows occurs. This. You said her memory is bad? Why is it bad? Is she having periods of forgetfulness beyond the "now where did I leave my phone?" sort of thing? When did she last see a physician or nurse practitioner? Sorry to be nosy but the way some things have been presented is concerning... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Beside what you be describe? Does she have any history of drug and alcohol use? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shin_00 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 she's not paranoid about cheating on me, she is unsure about what she had done before we got engaged. She's unsure about having done something wrong while with me, which i know she hadn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shin_00 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 she didn't do drugs and she's a lightweight with alcohol Link to post Share on other sites
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