I'm in love with my best girl-friend. PLEASE READ.

[christopher d.]

I need major advice -- please read this! I'm in love with my best friend.

 

I've known "L" for eight years and honestly I've never felt this way about ANYBODY -- you know the feeling when you know you've found the one?! Yes...I KNOW I am young...but I am not stupid in anyway...I'm extremely responsible, well-rounded, intelligent and out-going. I don't get messed up with other people my age who are so much more immature than I am -- and she is EXACTLY the same way.

 

"L" has been my friend ever since we met -- and we came such close friends since the past three years. Extremely close -- I get to the point where I want to hang out with her, just to be with her. I am NOT just infatuated...I know I am in love. And I have been secretly in love with her pretty much since we met.

 

Being friends for a long time, twice I have brought it to her attention that I had very strong feelings for her. She kept re-emphasizing that she didn't look at me as more than a good friend -- a brother even. She told me maybe when we're more older we can date -- but she didn't want to ruin what we have thus far -- and she told me that we're such good friends, relationships now don't last and they end up hurting people in the long run -- truly damaging a great friendship that she doesn't want to ever lose (and myself, for that matter).

 

It's really hard to put into words the feelings that are present between us. We are so much alike, it's uncanny. We know everything about each other...and we (well I!) love hanging out with one another -- even if its as friends -- at the movies, etc. It really sucks because I don't know what to do!

 

Well...just recently Ms. "L" got a "boyfriend." I can't tell you the amount of jealousy that I had -- I seriously hate this kid -- I've never met him before...I don't really know him...but I know she can do so much better -- I've "heard" things about him. Being friends, it hurt me that she never came out and told me to my face that she was dating, she just merely stated it on her online journal. But, whatever, I'm over that part.

 

However, now it's bugging me even more. We still go out frequently and see each other. And it really drives me nuts because we both go to different schools -- and I don't get to see her more than on weekends -- thankfully summer's coming soon, and we've planned to go down the shore. Tomorrow night we're getting together to see a friend in a show -- just the two of us -- so it should be nice, getting away from that kid she's with.

 

I do need help though. I can't tell you how much trouble I've had with this girl. My closest girl-friend "P" (other than "L") who I tell everything -- all my problems to, tells me to get over this girl, she's not worth it and I deserve better. Unfortunately, there HAVE been times where "L" doesn't necessarily like to talk on the phone...long story...sometimes she "ignores me" -- but that's just the way she is. I've gotten to the point that even though I'm young -- I have never explored farther than "L", even though I've never done anything with her -- I have no urge to see other people -- I don't give other people a chance at all. I always ending up comparing them to "L" in the long run, and say "this is why you are not right for me."

 

I am going to marry this girl. I have my mind set. It's funny too because a few months ago she even said that to me -- we are such good friends, we're probably going to get married. I knew she was joking, but I took it more than seriously -- I saved the entire instant message and read it every night. Hah.

 

In the meantime I'm lost. I don't mean for this to be a ranting session, but I am in love. And it hurts that what I feel is not reciprocated. I AM IN NO WAY TRYING TO BRAG OR BE CONCEITED...but I am not bad looking whatsoever...I have had so many compliments...and this kid "L" is dating is tall, skinny, and lanky. I have no clue what she is doing -- and I have a good feeling I know she knows I have some uneasiness, but I will never come out and say it.

 

Please give me advice! I guess time will tell what will happen....

[Marshbear]

I think that you are in the friends category and you will not get out of it. The fact that you have known each other for so long and you have only been friends speaks volumes. When women want a romantic relationship they do not spend years waiting for a guy. Her line of not wanting to ruin the friendship is a classic friends only line. The fact that you are better than her boyfriend doesn't mean a thing. There is something about him she likes and she likes your company and friendship only. There is no figuring womens tastes so don't even try to figure it out. If you are in-love then you will have problems. You can't put her on a pedestal and compare all women to the one you love. She doesn't return your love.

 

I think that the only way to proceed is to back away for her. You spend to much time together. Maybe if she sees you less she might realize how much you mean to her but don't hold your breath. Women rarely change their minds. You will either have to accept adoring her and hurting when she see other guys or you will have to break away and find you own GF.

 

Peace...

[mraverageguy05]

Speaking from personal experience, it is in your best interest to break away from her now. And, by break away, I mean distancing yourself from her. If you don't, you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and misery. Of course, it will be extremely hard - trust me, I know. This is almost exactly what I'm going through right now, but I've realized that some things just have to be done. In the long run, which is what I think you're hoping for (and what I am hoping for myself), everything will work out much better than rushing into things right now.

[Shaaz]

I remember a while back I had a bunch of guy friends who were obsessed with me, especially this one particular guy. I liked him as a friend and enjoyed hanging out with him... but it was also GREAT and fun to know there was some guy who thought I was the best thing ever. It made me feel good about myself.

 

But thinking back on it, I don't know if it was the best thing for HIM. I even made a joke once that I could see us getting married some day. He was really excited -- but it wasn't real. We never got together.

 

I agree with the others who've posted: she's already told you she is not interested in a romantic relationship, several times. You should believe her and try to put some distance between you, as hard as that will be.

[Chris777]

Originally posted by christopher d.

 

I am going to marry this girl. I have my mind set.

 

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but, your mind set really doesnt matter.

because unless she is committed it doesn't matter how committed you are.

 

I thought my ex wife was as committed as I was, I WAS WRONG. And that is with someone who expressed romantic interest in me.

 

It wont matter what you want If the girl isn't into it, you are wasting your time.

 

 

It's funny too because a few months ago she even said that to me -- we are such good friends, we're probably going to get married. I knew she was joking, but I took it more than seriously -- I saved the entire instant message and read it every night. Hah.

 

In the meantime I'm lost. I don't mean for this to be a ranting session, but I am in love. And it hurts that what I feel is not reciprocated.

Please give me advice! I guess time will tell what will happen....

 

That just seems like a cruel joke played on you. If you told her your feelings, and she blew you off, and is now SECRETLY (at least in that you had to read about it on her website, not from her mouth) dating a guy, she obviously only sees you for a friend.

 

I agree with the other posters who said to step back. Either she will come after you, or she will totally forget about you. Either way she should show her true colors, but don't expect them to be the colors you are wanting them to be, otherwise you are just setting yourself up for a fall. Some people just don't know what they have no matter how obvious, or blantant it is, and are drawn to loosers like magnets for some reason.

 

 

How old are you by the way?

[Mary3]

You are just friends because thats what she WANTS. Trust me on that one. If we put you in a friends category then thats how we SEE you JUST as friends.

 

That was kind of mean for her to suggest you will marry and you hang on to that like she is your only lifeline and you could never breathe or exist without her existance on this earth.

 

She is playing with your heart because its fun and she knows you are TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HER ! Wow that must make her ego feel real good and now she has a bf and you are not important ...HE IS ! So the onlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy one getting hurt is YOU

 

Wake up Wake up ! I bet you wish she would wake up and know you love her but until a giant asteroid hits the earth or she develops amnesia , then your odds are as good as Zilch !

[christopher d.]

Wow -- thanks everyone for posting -- let me give you a brief update.

 

Ok...last night we saw our friend in a show. It was a very nice night! AT THE END she goes..."You know Chris...we are going to get married...my boyfriend is only for now..." <----!!!!!!!! I went, "Ohh haha sounds good..." slick, huh?

 

I went to my friend "P" in AMAAAAAZMENT and she said she doesn't get this girl -- I don't either!

 

However, that remark "L" made, made my night.

 

I FIND THIS IS SO DIFFICULT because it has been a useless cause. I am really seriously thinking of heeding all of your advice because it just sounds for the better. I notice I'm not as overly-highly obsessed like I was before...now, I am slowly backing off.

 

NONE OF MY OTHER GIRL FRIENDS EVVVVVVVVER SAY THIS TO ME. She is the only one of my friends, however, that I can never get bored w/ talking...we always have great convos, and we both really enjoy each other's company. We really seem perfect for each other which is why it bothers me so much.

 

Let me put it this way -- I am young...but very mature for my age. Believe me. If I reveal my age you might think I'm too young and think I'm not worth it, and I'm too young to understand true feelings. But I do! Let's just put it this way -- I am legally an adult.

 

Why me?!

[christopher d.]

Let me also add that she has told me numerous times -- and I know from knowing her myself -- that she has no other "close" guy friends. I'm the only one she really hangs out w/...and she heard from school counselors that it is important to have at least one good, close friend of the opposite sex just to be good friends with. She's even told me that she'll be there for me if I ever had any girlfriend issues...and vice versa if she had any other boyfriend issues. I do admit we both are each other's best friends, which is why its so hard for me to back away so easily. It's that friend side that wants me to hang out with her. However, its that other "side" that just doesn't agree and what makes it so difficult.

[Mary3]

I have to assume you are both in High School but yes it is possible to share a deep friendship and to fall in love. I dont think there is an age limit to that. Although some refer to it as Puppy Love. I for one , do not, because I remember those strong feelings in HS so yes I feel for you.

 

However she is really irking me now because she is saying to you : : Yes I want to date other boys ( men ) but later I will marry you ! What she is really saying is that she wants to play the field and because she knows you love her , she is keeping you on a STRING ! You are going to get burned...

 

Assuming that I am right, and that she is in HS or college....she is too young to settle and rightly so for her. You however , seem more mature and in touch with your feelings and continue ( unfortunately ) to let her little nibbles of love and affection sustain you for ever and ever, until today , when your read our posts and discovered you are backing away and for good reason ! Follow your GUT Always ! It is designed to help you from making dumb choices, such as following this girls promises around and telling you she will marry you * later * but right now wants to play.

 

It needs to stop. If you want to get hurt, keep playing. If you want to be free of her TOTALLY you cannot be her friend. As much as you explain how wonderful she is......how * wonderful * is what she is doing to you ? Thats not soo super...so great. Its sad. Now hopefully you will read and read here until your eyes ache but keep reading. You will likely say " Wow that guys story is just like mine " So if you want true help , you must stop talking to her.

 

When she asks why you say this " You know Lisa ( sp ) I really like you but now that you have a bf , I feel its time for me to consider my OWN needs. I need some time away from you, and then later, when I feel better , I will contact you. Right now I cant talk to you because I need to sort out my feelings and you are confusing me . Please understand because you made a choice and now I am making a choice to heal "

 

Dont letter her shriek " But we are going to get married someday ! " She will use all ploys...Just shake your head *no* and do your best to move on

[SuperFantastico]

Ok this is what you do. You slowly distance yourself from her, over a month or two then cut off all contact for like 6 months to a year. This is the only way to break away from the friend zone you are so horribly entrenched in.

 

Take it from a guy who was in your situation for 11 years I know. Worst case you go back after a year of pining away for her and get stuck right back in the friend zone, best case you actually get together with her.

 

The only certainty i can absolutely tell you for sure, is that if you dont distance yourself from her, you will be in for unlimited pain and horribly torture. Because you are the best friend you will have to sit and listen to her talk about how 'goatnuts'(well call him that for now) is such a jerk, or how goatnuts did this or that. And then you have to GIVE HER ADVICE!!!?!!? which is like a kick in the pants after you just got groin sergery. The worst is when they either a) say something like 'why cant i find a guy like you' (wtf?! why not just stick a fork in your eye) or b) compare them to you somehow. like 'he reminds me of you alot. same sense of humour ect.' (which brings up the question, what the hell is wrong with you?!)

 

Anyways, my advice is slowly wean yourself off and then cut it off. I know losing such a close friend will hurt alot, but the alternative is MUCH more painful.

 

If she notices you are slipping away and asks whats up, just tell her the truth. I really like you, i know you only like me a as a friend, but i cant turn off my feelings and you having a boyfriend is tearing me up inside. This is no slight against you, its not your fault, people just like who they like, but i gotta move on for my own sake.

 

Or something like that. I belive thats close to what i said to the girl i liked. And i wont lie to you, I still think about her everyday, and it still hurts, but i know what i did what exactly the right thing to do. and i've gotten better. I use to wait for her to break up with her boyfriend like some love struck puppy, ignoring any other women that came by that liked me. Its not fair for you.

 

OK now im ranting. heres a link, hope they dont delete it, it fits the topic

 

http://www.joelogon.com/platonic/

 

that site is gold. you'll get it once you read

[mraverageguy05]

Originally posted by SuperFantastico

which is like a kick in the pants after you just got groin sergery.

 

Haha, that was a good one. Really got me going in a good laugh.

[mishy]

the fact is that she will only realise she wants you (and act on it) after you back right away. Don't make it messy, just back off, nicely. And hey presto, she'll realise what she's lost- come running after you - and you'll have what you've always wanted. Its game playing, and its tragic, but it will work.

 

Thing is, she says to you that she's going to marry you BECAUSE she takes you for granted and believes that you will always be there and will wait for her. She's not even thinking that you actually might meet another girl in the meantime.

 

I think you are quite interested in the thrill of the chase rather than actually catching her though.

 

I think she's a bit of a tease, just quietly......

 

You sound sweet and theres probably mountains of girls more worthy of your time

 

good luck

[christopher d.]

hey everyone -- here is a brief update.

 

last week "L" sent me this in an e-mail:

hey chris --

this is really random, but i just wanted to let you know that i'm really glad we're friends. i know we don't see eachother that much, but i know how great of a friend you are and i really do think we're gonna be friends forever. i know we've have our ups and downs but when it comes down to it, i can't imagine life without my [christopher]... just letting you know

 

then, everything was quiet for a while. "L" just this past week she went down the shore -- and i called her saturday -- just as friends, to see what was up, and she honestly sounded like "why the hell are you calling me" on the phone...it was weird. school is finishing up this week...so i know she has a lot on her mind...but i don't know how to put it...we have our ups and downs and this is definitely one of them....

 

i really want to hang out w/ her over the summer it seems really hard to distance myself from her...

[greeneyedgirl23]

She's making me mad by the way she is treating you. It reminds me of how my best guy friend is with me. I think that when she calls you next, you should let it go to voice mail and don't call her for a while. Let her think about how she spoke to you. She'll miss you. It seems like once she is sure you are still hanging on and still interested, she acts like a b****. I would really avoid her for like a month.

[westernxer]

Dude, you're screwed.

 

And stop befriending girls...

[LucreziaBorgia]

LB's "Girl Talk" Translation, in which one can see the implied message between the lines:

 

hey chris --

this is really random, but i just wanted to let you know that i'm really glad we're friends.

 

"I'm just dropping you a line to remind you that we are only FRIENDS. I'm happy with JUST FRIENDS and should you try to push it past that, I won't be "glad" anymore.

 

i know we don't see eachother that much,

 

"You will have to accept that I don't want to see you that often. That's what works for me, so it will have to work for you, too."

 

but i know how great of a friend you are and i really do think we're gonna be friends forever.

 

"Your worth to me as a friend, and how 'great' of a FRIEND you are depends entirely on your ability not to ever, ever, ever try to push it past that point. That means you'll have to suppress your feelings for me, and be JUST FRIENDS for as long as we know each other - FOREVER. The second you try to be more than FRIENDS, I'm outta here."

 

i know we've have our ups and downs

 

"I know how badly this situation hurts you, and how up and down about it you are - but you'll just have to deal with that. As long as you don't bring me down with trying to be more than JUST FRIENDS, we can enjoy being 'up' for as long as you agree to never push this past JUST FRIENDS."

 

but when it comes down to it, i can't imagine life without my [christopher]... just letting you know

 

"my Christopher knows his place, and would never, ever do anything to ruin what works for me: JUST FRIENDS. As soon as you do try to push this past JUST FRIENDS, you will no longer be a part of my life. As long as you know your place as my Christopher (in that you are always JUST A FRIEND), you can enjoy the benefits of my meager needs for you."

[christopher d.]

psh hah. thanks.