Whether or not to tell my parents my sister may be an addict.

[Eighty_nine]

Tl;dr my sister is developing a drug addiction/is in a bad relationship and I don't know whether or not to tell my parents, who maybe could encourage her to get help, or to maintain her trust and not say anything.

 

I say "may" be an addict because I'm just not sure how to define the line between problematic drug user and addict. She for sure has a problem with cocaine. She recently referred to herself as an "addict", and since her tendency in life in general is to minimize and deny her problems, calling herself an addict really set off alarm bells to me that it is more serious than i like to think. I too am in denial. Also, I live about 2.5 hours away which makes me feel separated from the whole thing at times (which is good and bad)

 

She has a 5 year old. She's 27, a wannabe model, living with a wealthy older man-- who is definitely an addict and over the past two years, has provided the means and influence for her to also develop a problem. They are mentally and emotionally abusive and I believe both manipulative toward each other. My Bf, friends, cousin, sister and sisters bf recently went to New Orleans for a long weekend. The very first night there my sister and her bf got in a huge fight, sister said he slapped her arm, and they both texted awful things to each other (using my cousins phone as my sisters was dead). He accused my sister of cheating and said he hopes she gets "raped and murdered", just to give you an example of the way they speak to one another when fighting.

 

I also believe that after coke binges, my niece often wakes up early and is unsupervised for several hours while my sister and her Bf are sleeping/coming down. There could be other instances of neglect, I'm just not aware of what really goes on in that house.

 

So. My parents know that it is an emotionally abusive and turbulent relationship. They do not know about the drugs. I've recently realized it's more serious than I thought and have been dealing with a lot of anxiety, feeling like the burden to "save her" is all on me. The problem is, when she's coming down or mad at him, she reaches out and asks for help and tells me how bad things are, but when she's feeling better, she attacks me any time I suggest things aren't ok or she could make changes.

 

If I tell my parents I lose her trust forever, or for a very long time. She may cut me out of her life or withhold my niece from me (awful Bc I'm one of few positive adult influences for her.) also my dad has some health problems and is finishing a doctoral program, he's also very stressed at work. I feel terrible even thinking about telling him his daughter is an addict. My mother will have a very emotionally unstable reaction to this, I'm sure of it. They have already told her (after discussing the emotional abuse) that she can move home any time with my niece. However both my sister, my dad and myself know that my mom will likely nag my sister about any little thing should she move back in. It won't be pretty.

 

Anyway. I'm carrying around a lot of stress about this, wondering what to do. My sister is currently "up", so she's not responsive to my checking in and asking how things are. But I know it won't stay that way. Help

Edited September 10, 2015 by lissvarna

[TouchedByViolet]

I say don't tell your parents because it won't help anybody.

 

Tricky situation to navigate regardless so keep it simple. Your sister is addicted and the only person who can help her is herself. Not you, not mom, not dad.... as much as you all want to. The root cause of her addiction is most likely life failings that she uses drugs to cope with. This works well for her most of the time. I don't have any solution to offer up sadly. People I know who have addictions do what they do. You can't force someone to stop. They have to want it. I would just be loving and caring. Also maintain healthy boundaries and don't get yourself dragged into too many problems. Unfortunately these things tend to get a lot worse before/if they get better.

[Eighty_nine]

That's true. All they can do is let her know she can move back and she's welcome there any time... but they already have told her that in response to finding out about the emotional abuse.

The biggest thing is my niece. I feel fine letting my sister mess her own life, because it's her choice and there's nothing I can do. But it's not ok to have her 5 year old living in chaos, and fending for herself when her mom incapacitated until 2 or 3pm on weekends (and now, according to my sister, weekdays too... at least my niece started school yesterday. )That's the part that breaks my heart.

[Tayla]

Rather a bit extreme to say your sister will not trust you "forever". When in rehab, they learn to forgive themselves and become rational humans who would have an open mind to understand that actions are done out of love.

 

You sound like a caring family member, and you are not enabling by confronting this medical issue. You are creating a support group for your sister to rely on when and if she wants to get well. Given the dynamics of her current situation, I do not foresee her reaching out. The well needs to be dry before the addict comes to terms with it. Your parents deserve to know though, even if its a suspicion. Sadly most people do not know what to do with the ill one, ignore it? Minimize it? Get angry?, None seem to work. Get some literature , gain knowledge, and empower your family to wiser ways to reach out to her for help.

[mrs rubble]

My ex-sister in law had a methamphetamine addiction. I told her parents, she and her mother haven't spoken to me since.

I was accused of making it up. Her father shunned me for years, until his daughter stole money from his business, then he realised I was speaking the truth.

If I had to decide again whether to tell or not. I probably wouldn't. I'd tell her instead that I couldn't have anything to do with her while she was on the stuff and leave it at that.

[Eighty_nine]

Rather a bit extreme to say your sister will not trust you "forever". When in rehab, they learn to forgive themselves and become rational humans who would have an open mind to understand that actions are done out of love.

 

You sound like a caring family member, and you are not enabling by confronting this medical issue. You are creating a support group for your sister to rely on when and if she wants to get well. Given the dynamics of her current situation, I do not foresee her reaching out. The well needs to be dry before the addict comes to terms with it. Your parents deserve to know though, even if its a suspicion. Sadly most people do not know what to do with the ill one, ignore it? Minimize it? Get angry?, None seem to work. Get some literature , gain knowledge, and empower your family to wiser ways to reach out to her for help.

 

Maybe a bit extreme, but she is also a bit extreme in her responses to any and everything. I agree, I don't forsee her reaching out either.

 

All the responses have been helpful. I think there's a good case for both sides.

[Tayla]

Glad we could give you food for thought. Hopefully you'll share with your parents as they deserve to know the wellness or sickness of a family member.

[nescafe1982]

If your sister weren't 27 years old I would unambiguously say you should tell your parents immediately.

 

But given that she's an adult, this is tragic (and especially terrible given that there is also a child in the middle of it all), but it's significantly greyer, whether to tell or not.

 

I would still talk to your parents, though, in the end. Chances are, nothing will come of it: they will be unable to intervene, and your sister might find out and stop speaking to you for a while.

 

But your parents absolutely cannot try to help if they aren't clued in to the situation. The know she's erratic (and might even suspect drugs), but if they are missing that additional information... well, then one thing IS for certain: they cannot respond appropriately.

 

Sadly, if your sister is an addict, this will get worse before it gets better. Even more sadly, declining to say anything probably won't stop her from having conflict with you... but it might actually be harmful.

 

Of course, your sister will not clean up until she wants to... and she probably will not want to unless things get really bad for her. But in my opinion, you want to make your best effort to ensure that when/if that happens, she has a ready support system-- you and your whole family, not only aware of the situation but having prepared for how to handle addiction and recovery.

 

This is just my 0.02, but as someone who has a brother in recovery, I would urge you to consider talking to your parents, for starters.

 

Also, there is Al-Anon. Great resource for you to consider.

[lgspot]

I would suggest you try a couple of Alanon meetings.

Talk with others at the meeting and I think you'll be more able to make the best decision for YOU and your niece.

Face-to-face interaction with others who have been in your situation does help.

Good luck.

Blessings

[S2B]

I would speak to her directly first. Expect her to deny and minimize.

 

It's only up to her to change things. If she's not ready you just have to wait it out until she gets desperate enough to change. Unfortunately, it's ugly to watch the wreckage.

 

IF you believe the child is at risk - call child protective services. You owe that to the child's well being. You can do it anonymously.

 

 

Al-Anon is a place where you may find help. It's hard. But hopefully she will get bad enough off to change her lifestyle.

 

Their fights are about "normal" for those in the drug world, unfortunately.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Your parents are not the authorities. Your sister is putting her child at risk. If you really want to protect the child you will gather evidence & talk to a social worker so the child can legally be removed from it's toxic home. Your parents will find out then, when they get the call to pick up the child.

[Eighty_nine]

Your parents are not the authorities. Your sister is putting her child at risk. If you really want to protect the child you will gather evidence & talk to a social worker so the child can legally be removed from it's toxic home. Your parents will find out then, when they get the call to pick up the child.

 

CPS doesn't work that way. they'll come out and investigate, but the likelihood of them finding evidence to prove she's unsafe is small. Also, they'd order my sister to move out of the house before they'd remove the child-- only if they could prove neglect. And actually, I'd if got to that, you're right. That would be very helpful. I know how this goes as I've worked in child welfare for several years. My worry is since there is no physical abuse and since they can simply deny using drugs, nothing will come of it, and it'll just piss her off. They're also in a nice home in a wealthy neighborhood, another reason cps is unlikely to take action. My niece has everything material she could ever need. What she doesn't have is a mother who's focus is 100% on her

[SpiralOut]

Why does it matter if it pisses her off?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You gather the evidence before calling CPS. Save texts & phone calls. When you visit, take pics. Then call. If you have enough, they can get inside with a police escort. If they find drugs, the child will probably be removed right then. Most addicts are careless. Probably wouldn't take much for a 5 year old to OD and die, if she finds their stash.

[Eighty_nine]

Why does it matter if it pisses her off?

 

It matters because as with most abusive relationships, she's pretty isolated. Either he "hates" her friends or she's found reasons to cut them out on her own. I'm the only person she will occasionally reach out to & ask for help. If she cuts me out, and doesn't trust/won't turn to me anymore, she'll be totally isolated. And that's scary.

 

I've also considered the possibility of her withholding my niece from us, if my parents were aware of what's going on and confronted her about it. That would hurt everyone, especially my niece, because my parents and myself are really her only positive adult role models (besides maybe teachers etc.)

 

So I've been waffling between telling my parents, calling cps (though I don't have much in the way of evidence), or doing nothing but keeping in close contact with her and "monitoring" the situation, to see if she'll make changes on her own, as she claims she wants to.

 

the consequences of telling anyone about it weigh heavily on me. I guess because I don't really know how severe te situation is. But maybe the fact that she is sort of vague with me when discussing her use (even when admitting she has a problem) should let me know that it is bad. She often has my niece go to a sitters house for a whole weekend... Which is better then her being alone in the house while everyone is sleeping, but is still no good for her.

 

She's made it clear that she'll basically disown me as her family member should I tell anyone (parents, authorities, whoever). I know she'd come around once she gets better, but it will still hurt deeply. It's making it so hard for me to consider doing anything.

Edited September 12, 2015 by lissvarna

[nescafe1982]

Calling CPS would certainly be the nuclear option. I don't know what to tell you about that idea. If the kid is in imminent bodily danger, you kind of have to. But if not... well, I'm not touching that one because I don't have experience with CPS.

 

But if you keep your sister's secret for her despite that she is harming herself (and probably her child), that's enabling. And enablers ultimately help an addict postpone healthy change.

 

It's not fair. Sounds like she's taking you emotionally hostage. That sucks..but it's also par for the course for addicts and alcoholics.

 

Did you say she tells you she wants to change? If so, why not propose to go with her to an NA meeting, counseling session, etc? You can frame it as "I won't tell mom and dad we did this, but to buy my silence, you have to show me you're trying to get clean. And I'll come with you so you don't have to be alone!"

 

What she does once she takes that first step is anyone's guess. But you could turn this 'secret' into the leverage you need to push her into thinking about recovery.

 

If you go this route, you will have to be prepared to tell the family if she refuses. But (and here's the best part of the bad situation) if you've given her a chance to address the problem confidentially first, she will have a lot less reason to hold you responsible for telling.

 

Note, she might ostracize you anyway. She's an addict... and honestly, not doing anything also runs the risk of her disappearing on you one day for irrational reasons. Nothing you do (or don't do) can stop that from happening.

 

Your fears about her withholding your niece, being isolated... these are totally understandable (and tragic) fears to have. But they are also the most obvious result and final conclusion for addictive behavior. You cannot save her from that unless she wants to save herself. I would again recommend Al-Anon to help you deal with these feelings... guilt, shame, and fear are tough stuff, and to best help her you will need to parse which of your feelings are A) healthy concerns and which ones are B) enabling fears.

Edited September 12, 2015 by nescafe1982

[TunaCat]

It's making it so hard for me to consider doing anything.

 

Then don't do it for her, do it for your niece who deserves better. Your niece is in a very unstable environment and she needs to get out of it. Since she can't get out of it herself, YOU need to help her.

[preraph]

Of course, it would depend on the relationship with the parents and her, but I woudn't tell them and get in the middle of that. She's a grown woman. If you truly believe there is any child neglect there or that the child is witnessing violence, you might drop an anonymous call to Child Protective Services and let them know they should drug-test them both. They will make those tests mandatory for them to keep their kid. It might be the solution. But if you have any reason to believe this is casual recreational drug use and there is never a time the child is being neglected in any way that could really have consequences (in other words, not feeding or supervising, etc, but not just if you think she doesn't take her to the playground or something like that), then I would stay out of it. But if the child is at risk, that's a higher calling to be sure the child is protected and it might snap one or both of them out of it, and you can stay anonymous.