It's all over again for the second time

[Angelita]

As the title say I am trying to end my affair again for the second time. I have been involved with my MM on and off again for almost 2 years now. We stopped seeing each other in November. Around June we started talking to each other again. After a few days of talking the affair started up again but this time it was a lot more emotional. I truly felt and thought that he loved me but this past Monday he called off the affair. I received an email from him Monday morning telling he loved me and wished me nothing but the best but he need to focus solely on his marriage and family and to do that he need to end things with me. I was completely taken by surprise I know we didn't have much of a future together but still things were good. We both made each other happy.

 

I know his decision to end the affair is the right one and its what's best for the both of us. It's just so hard he has completely gone NC with me since his last email. I hadn't heard one word from him since. I'm feeling really lost right now. Especially since my MM and I would constantly talk throughout the day, all day from the very first time we stared the affair up again. No matter what he was doing he would always write me good morning, tell me about his day, and write me good night. It's feels like I am losing my best friend.

 

The NC is causing me so more pain than I thought it would. Way more then then the first time. I don't know if it's because I am constantly reminded that it's really over because this time he ended things and maybe he really didn't love me as much as I thought.

[FusionCutter]

Maybe a good time to review your original post.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/498772-lost-hurting-2.html

 

Strong quote from a poster in there:

 

She won't wake up or understand any of this until she is left standing alone. She talks about wanting everyone happy, when in truth the only persons happiness she cares about is her own.

 

Nothing we can do to help here, she will juggle both men as long as she can, but it has nothing to do with anyone elses happiness.

 

 

The quote was from October 2014 was almost a year ago and they were right.

 

I think you just need to accept reality. It's for the better. No one wanted to do anything to fix the situation, so he decided to NC you. In the big picture, it is the right thing to do.

[privategal]

Give yourself a few days to really face it and greive.

Ive been RIGHT there in your shoes.

Theres no real comfort or easy answers to make you feel better.

The quicker you can stop asking why or how or if he loved you, the better.

There is a good chance he did, but the issue is hes looking at his unsuspecting wife and family and the guilt of this secret and double life is taking its toll the guilt has built up.

He knew at some point there was an end.

He doesn't want to hurt her or lose everything.

He likely loves her and can no longer live a lie.

It hurts, its sudden.

It leaves a huge void.

It gets better.

Stereotypical advice works.

Gym, YOGA helped SO much to heal.

Also charity or something that makes you feel good in your home like new bedding, rearranging, painting.

Get rid of ANYTHING that reminds you.

This is a good thing for you both but very very excruciating and your self esteem takes a hit.

Stay on top of your health. Leave him be and block him.

If hes blocked its easier to not be looking at your phone and email for him. It helps you regain control.

You WILL be ok. Trust me the pain starts to fade slowly, the resrs dry. Try to not focus.

Try to find you..actually a new you asap.

Right now make tea, sleep, cry, call a friend, or be alone but vreifly. You've got to rejoin life asap.

Look for a new job even whatever changes to push you forward.

Think....of his words...I need to focus solely on my wife and family. He is doing just that.

Its ok. He just needed to not be in this anymore and theres no blaming you...or him.

This is about the kindest ending you can expect and now you go regain you and know in time this will fade.

Bug hugs.

[Artie Lang]

i agree... read your previous threads and ask yourself what kind of progress you've made, if any at all.

 

 

thing is, you never really ended it with this man. in reading your previous threads, you never really wanted this to end in the first place, either. you pretty much picked up where you left off. my point is- what is it that you really want out of all this? do you even want your marriage at this point... it seems like you don't. you want to take up with this guy any time the situation lends it itself.

 

ask yourself what it is you want in a relationship. your husband and his wife deserve a lot better than what you two are giving them right now- BETRAYAL.

[privategal]

Double post

Edited September 10, 2015 by privategal

[sandylee1]

 

It's feels like I am losing my best friend.

 

 

Making another woman's husband your best friend never really ends well.

 

Living a double life is hard work and makes most 'normal' people feel guilty. He's likely had enough and wants to reconnect with his wife....Please let him do it and block all modes of communication.

[cif]

I received an email from him Monday morning telling he loved me and wished me nothing but the best but he need to focus solely on his marriage and family and to do that he need to end things with me.

 

Maybe he's trying to say you're a distraction to his marriage. His wife might have noticed less attention. He may started feeling guilty. Some affairs are easy, especially when you have minimal feelings towards the AP.. this is most likely not like that for him. And since he doesn't plan on leaving, what's the point?

 

It's important you take initiative and block him/them, go NC yourself. Even if in the future he contacts you just ignore. Put all your energy into your own marriage. Do you really need to be going through this pain every few months?

[Lovemesomehim]

"You cannot have happiness by bringing someone else pain."

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Take the advice given to you from your other post and hopefully if he decides to come back, you'll have the strength and courage to ignore him and find true happiness.

[Angelita]

Give yourself a few days to really face it and greive.

Ive been RIGHT there in your shoes.

Theres no real comfort or easy answers to make you feel better.

The quicker you can stop asking why or how or if he loved you, the better.

There is a good chance he did, but the issue is hes looking at his unsuspecting wife and family and the guilt of this secret and double life is taking its toll the guilt has built up.

He knew at some point there was an end.

He doesn't want to hurt her or lose everything.

He likely loves her and can no longer live a lie.

It hurts, its sudden.

It leaves a huge void.

It gets better.

Stereotypical advice works.

Gym, YOGA helped SO much to heal.

Also charity or something that makes you feel good in your home like new bedding, rearranging, painting.

Get rid of ANYTHING that reminds you.

This is a good thing for you both but very very excruciating and your self esteem takes a hit.

Stay on top of your health. Leave him be and block him.

If hes blocked its easier to not be looking at your phone and email for him. It helps you regain control.

You WILL be ok. Trust me the pain starts to fade slowly, the resrs dry. Try to not focus.

Try to find you..actually a new you asap.

Right now make tea, sleep, cry, call a friend, or be alone but vreifly. You've got to rejoin life asap.

Look for a new job even whatever changes to push you forward.

Think....of his words...I need to focus solely on my wife and family. He is doing just that.

Its ok. He just needed to not be in this anymore and theres no blaming you...or him.

This is about the kindest ending you can expect and now you go regain you and know in time this will fade.

Bug hugs.

 

 

Thanks for this it kind of helped. And I started doing some of things you recommend. One of the things I have done so far is the yoga. I'm going with my friend tomorrow at the gym she goes to. I kind of have to find a new gym since me and the mm would go to the same one. That way theirs no way I could run into him

 

 

I have to move on I don't really have a choice anymore. Even though it hurts.

[Angelita]

"You cannot have happiness by bringing someone else pain."

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Take the advice given to you from your other post and hopefully if he decides to come back, you'll have the strength and courage to ignore him and find true happiness.

 

Yea making my mm my best friend wasn't a great idea but it just kind of happened.

 

He would always complain how he didn't love his wife and was only with her because of the kids. I know he tried to leave once and was planning to try to leave her again. But I don't know how true that is.

 

I haven't completely blocked him yet but I have deleted his number and I also deleted all the apps we used to communicate. So now the only we can talk is if he contacts me first. I know this isn't the best way but it's a start.

[Angelita]

i agree... read your previous threads and ask yourself what kind of progress you've made, if any at all.

 

 

thing is, you never really ended it with this man. in reading your previous threads, you never really wanted this to end in the first place, either. you pretty much picked up where you left off. my point is- what is it that you really want out of all this? do you even want your marriage at this point... it seems like you don't. you want to take up with this guy any time the situation lends it itself.

 

ask yourself what it is you want in a relationship. your husband and his wife deserve a lot better than what you two are giving them right now- BETRAYAL.

 

Yes I know nothing has really changed since my first thread. It's not that I haven't tried because I have but my husband doesn't seem interested. We tried MC but that didn't work he only went once then it turned out to be more of one on one counseling which made things worse.

 

That’s not true I really tried to put an end to the affair the first time and focus only on my marriage. That didn’t work out the way I thought it was.

 

I don’t really know what I want anymore. My marriage is pretty much done I don’t think my husband loves me anymore. I did bring up divorce once a few months ago he didn’t seem to care. Maybe he didn't think I was serious or who knows.

[cif]

Yes I know nothing has really changed since my first thread. It's not that I haven't tried because I have but my husband doesn't seem interested. We tried MC but that didn't work he only went once then it turned out to be more of one on one counseling which made things worse.

 

That’s not true I really tried to put an end to the affair the first time and focus only on my marriage. That didn’t work out the way I thought it was.

 

I don’t really know what I want anymore. My marriage is pretty much done I don’t think my husband loves me anymore. I did bring up divorce once a few months ago he didn’t seem to care. Maybe he didn't think I was serious or who knows.

 

Are you sure your husband isn't having an affair? He seems apathetic towards you and the marriage.

[Angelita]

Are you sure your husband isn't having an affair? He seems apathetic towards you and the marriage.

 

 

Idk, sometimes I think he might be. Sometimes he shows signs of cheating usually the normal red flags like working late, some days he takes a lot more trouble ove r his appearance and the biggest one I think is he's gotten really into social media lately. But he doesn't really hide any of this from he. So I don't think he's cheating but I haven't ruled out the possibility.

 

Yeah, he doesn't seem to care about me most of the time but their are days where he's more like the guy I married.

[Artie Lang]

I don’t really know what I want anymore. My marriage is pretty much done I don’t think my husband loves me anymore. I did bring up divorce once a few months ago he didn’t seem to care. Maybe he didn't think I was serious or who knows.

 

if this is true, you really need to do something about it. maybe it's time for an ultimatum... you can't just go on like this. you have a right to be happy and have a fulfilling marriage. that being said, diving into an affair is not the answer. clearly, it's supplying you with what you so desperately want from your husband- attention. in other words, it might not really be the "love" you may think you have. it's a stand-in for your husband's lack of attention/interest- that's all.

 

i guess what i'm trying to say is that this affair is something you can really do without: you need to figure out what you really want for yourself. that's the key to getting you in a good place.

[jbrent890]

Angelita, I apologize for the 2x4, but I and multiple other posters told you in your previous threads that you were going to cheat again. I knew this was going to happen. Your afraid to make a decision regarding your marriage. So my advice to you is the same as last time, either be honest with your husband about your affairs and see what happens or end your marriage. But I can promise you this, if you keep hoping that things are magically going to change, you are going to cheat again. Your husband simply doesn't get it. Either he is very oblivious too how damaged his marriage really is or yes, he is cheating himself (something that you didn't want to believe in previous threads).

 

Listen Angelita, nothing is going to happen unless you take action. You can continue doing what you are doing and possibly fall back into another affair or you can actually face your husband head on. Personally, I think that yes, you should be honest with him. Not because I think that he should know, but because I think you will finally get to the bottom as to what is going on with him. If he is cheating himself, then I think a confession from you would spur a confession from him.

[turnera]

I'm feeling really lost right now. Especially since my MM and I would constantly talk throughout the day, all day from the very first time we started the affair up again. No matter what he was doing he would always write me good morning, tell me about his day, and write me good night. It's feels like I am losing my best friend.

It's a shame you won't put that much effort into your own husband instead of someone else's. Imagine how great that marriage could be if you addressed the issues AND talked to him throughout the day, from morning til night.