learning to breathe Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) i'm 27 years old and i am heading for a divorce. I haven't filed for one yet but feel like i should. been married for 10 years and things have gone astray. I have been abused by my "husband" and i am just finally taking everything in. The past few months have been a rollercoaster ride for me. My husband has always felt like a room mate to me and nothing has changed. When my uncle passed away in June of this year, i came to realized that life really truly is short. On my way home from seeing my uncle in the hospital i received a speeding ticket and i knew when i got home i would be in trouble with my husband. Sure enough i was scared to tell him but i got it. He yelled at me telling me i was bad luck and why do these things always happen to me? i mess up everything always.... yeah so right then and there i realized what is happening to me? is he who i want to spend the rest of my life with? thank goodness we have no children, and i cannot do this anymore. all the torment, just him hitting me, punching me in the head, yelling, slapping you name it. All the 10 years just played in my head and call it a mid life crisis but i finally came to the realization that everything he has done to me is absolutely wrong. He had apologized before but never meant it because here we are today and it still happens. not as much as before but here and there it happens and im tired of it. So after my uncle passed away i turned to the only person i could count on and that was my online affair friend. He was there for me, understands me, so sweet to me, we could laugh and talk for hours, and eventually weve fallen in love with each other. ive never felt this way towards anyone ever. He has made me realize that i am worth so much and i was very shy and closed off to my online lover and he opened me to where i tell everyone how i feel now. i dont care. I am me. I feel free but not completely yet. my online lover knows about my husband and i got the courage to tell my husband about him as well because obviously he was suspecting something was going on. he got upset and now he is trying to be the best husband ever and im like dude where were you like years ago? when my mom passed away? when i was in pain? when i was in the room crying my eyes out after being in disbelief that my husband just beat me and on top of that turned off the electricity so i couldnt watch tv like some prisoner? where were you? nowhere. you think your sorry was it? that it would fix me? well look how i am now. Afraid of doors slamming, someone yelling. i start to shake. and i get scared and cant even look at him in the eyes because i feel like he is going to not like something. i feel like i cant breathe here. i am trapped and recently i told my online lover we need to chill out and just be friends because i feel guilty of everything that is happening. At the moment i don't know how to feel toward my husband but i do know turning to another man right now isnt the best thing for me at the moment so im focusing my trust in the Lord and putting my trust in Him. i am very hurt of all the pain my husband has caused me and i need to let this pain go. i feel like writing and praying is really helping me. i need to make a choice though between my husband and myself. i do love my online affair but i know i need to let that go for now and focus on myself. give myself a chance that i didn't get with my husband, he is changing i can tell a little. but i feel like he is now that he knows that there is someone out there who loves me. its typical. i know things don't change in a day but i have changed who I've become from now to about 3 months ago and i owe a lot to my online affair. he has taught me that i am worth something and i have a voice because before i was a clam and didn't let anyone in or close or even talk about my problems but now, a lot of my family knows and i feel liberated. i feel great like i don't want to hide anything anymore. I want to be free. I Want to live as Christ has called me to be and do everything right from the start. i am writing here today not for my husband not for my online affair but for me. i am just confused about where my life is going to go but excited because i am going to do things right. xoxo learning to breathe. Edited September 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited for paragraphs ~ V Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Please leave your husband. Please don't start a new relationship with your online lover. Please take time for you, to heal, get help. You can do this. Don't fall for your husbands changed ways, its not real. He's loosing control which is the root of abuse. Ten years of abuse is a long time, you have a lot of healing work to do, which is exciting. It will strengthen you. Why are you still with your husband today? What are you afraid of? Help is out there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Abusers almost never reform, and even if he did his crimes against you deserve you leaving him at the very least. (He'd be lucky to get out of it without going to jail.) I'm glad you're making changes in your life and taking control. Please do it completely and get rid of your 'husband' too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author learning to breathe Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 Thank you for those who have read my entry... my life.... To Poppyolive, that is part of the reason why I am on here. To hear who has gone through the same thing I have and to see what advice is out here. I am still with my "husband" for reasons why I don't know. I don't believe I am scared to leave, I passed caring about what people think, I think its more of I am starting to become a new me however, what will happen? But then again what will happen if I continue to stay? My online lover and I are friends at the moment, but I do want more with him but have become strong to not further anything more at the moment. I know I have to get my mind right and I have let him know that I cannot further anything with him or anyone for that matter until I get myself right. I hate that I am like this and I hate that ive let my husband do this to me. I know better but I have forgotten about the better and allowed my husband to take the better out of me literally.... Thank you Jen1447 for your words as well. I am just stuck right now. and I want to just leave, pack my things, and just leave. If I leave I will never come back. I feel like Im in a tug of war. im trying to get my mind right. Why am I with my husband? I do not know. I just know what he is capable of, people tell me to leave, but I feel frozen like I have one foot out the door but the other is still there (inside the house) I had a nightmare last night that my hair was falling off of my skull practically melting off and I had scabs all over and I don't know what to think of that nightmare. I feel like it reminds me of when my mom passed away I lost hair because I was stressing too much. and this nightmare just made me feel like losing hair could mean so many things and a lot of it has to do with illnesses and maybe that was like something to think about like I don't want to be sick, I don't want to stress, I don't want to lose my hair, it was horrible. I don't know I do need help and I am trying, and the only person besides God helping me is my online friend (now) hes really been here for me. I don't have much family and he is all that I have (I feel anyway)...... Has anyone ever been in this situation? xoxo learning to breathe. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Part company with your husband asap. Do that before you do anything else. Only then will you be able to make sound decisions about your future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts