ConfusedKyle Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 How common is envy and/or feeling inferiority to the person we were involved with? How often was they likely narcissitic? Doing pretty good from the break up on the married woman I was involved with (still NC and getting much better), but the problem still remains that she did a pretty good number on me beating my self image down of how she was the coolest around, I was lucky to even talk to her (literally told me this), and how my life was boring (objectively not, but I began to believe it). Everything was based on deception and HER having the power/control but despite me not knowing she was married until very near when I dumped her, why is all her emotional bragging still plaguing me? Her narcissism was so damaging, I can stay 80% of her words were putdowns or one-ups, and conveniently always used her job to get out of phone calls 'well time to fly in the helicopter, bye!' 'have to go save someone, bye' As a person I can absolutely not stand her, the pain and deception was unbelievable, yet why I am envious of her job, when it was likely nothing more than her own narcissism that made it so 'cool' in the first place?! Even now over 1 month NC I think 'wonder if shes doing something interesting right now?', and her constant words of me being boring and her desirable left a large doubt in my mind that she was/is right. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Having a cool job is a great thing. It makes you an interesting person, active and ... unavailable. There is much to be attracted to when a person works. What it sounds like to me, is you just need to try and get out there for yourself. Working has emotional satisfaction and improves your self esteem. Instead of thinking about her, think about what it would take for that to be you. We are attracted to things we want. You may not want her... but her verve and her dynamic lifestyle. It happens to all of us. It's a good thing. Think on it for YOU! ...maybe that's was her purpose: to show you .. it's okay to want more. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 That's the interesting thing about narcissists. They're the ones with the disorder and yet it's the people who are involved with them who suffer the consequences of that disorder. It's going to take time to recover from the mindf@ck. Its an odd state to be in. On the one hand you know you were conned and on the other hand you still believe the con. Technically you know it was all smoke and mirrors but a part of you still wants to be included and to believe in the illusion. When first escaping this kind of relationship you are in a somewhat disorientated state where it is difficult to find your footing and see things clearly. This is a lousy analogy but it kind of reminds me of a time when I was very young and I moved away to a city that was very far away from my friends and family. I had never lived outside of my hometown before so the move was very hard on me. I missed my family so much and the whole time I was lived in the new city I pined for home. Finally after a whole year away I made the decision to move home again. I was ecstatic on the day of my return and ecstatic upon my arrival. It felt so good to see the familiar places and faces. I was so happy that day. When I awoke the next day I felt an odd depression that I couldn't really name or understand. It made no sense because I had looked forward to waking up at home for so long and now I just felt strangely displaced and out of sorts. As the day wore on I realized that I was now missing the city I had just left. In the year I had been there I had created a life for myself. I had made friends, had a BF and a job, had found places and activities that I enjoyed and now I had just walked away from that life. I now had this odd feeling of physically being at home while my head and part of my heart was still back in the other city. It took a while for me to become fully connected and present in my location. I think leaving a toxic relationship can be a lot like trying to come home again after being away for a long time. You don't really want to be in that toxic relationship anymore but it takes time to gather up all the pieces of yourself that are still connected to that person and really say farewell. It's a time of feeling adrift and not fully comfortable in your own life. You will get past this and reclaim yourself. It just takes time. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
clam Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) OP, you're going to be just fine. Awareness is half the battle and it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on just how crazy-making her behavior was. You are wise to steer clear of her. Try to channel the bitterness and disbelief into something more positive for yourself. Realize that she is not "cool", her job is not "cool", it's all smoke and mirrors to build up her own fragile ego. Edited September 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Her bragging and her emotional hatchet job on you worked because inside you DO believe she is right. Her job IS way more interesting and your life IS boring. That is why you stayed with her, you clung onto her, despite her putting you down all the time. Being with her, made you feel less uninteresting and boring, her stardust rubbed off onto you and you felt good. You may have been the same old boring guy, but being with this high-flyer, made you feel a million dollars, despite her treating you so badly a lot of the time. YOU were merely servicing the diva. Whilst she shone on stage, you were in the background sweeping up, a dogsbody, but oh sooo proud that she was out there wowing the audience. Now the diva is gone, you are lost. YOU are back to being just YOU again and that is not a comfortable place for you to be in. YOU have to learn how to be your own man, learn that you do not need to leave being interesting and exciting to someone else. YOU need to make YOUR OWN life interesting and exciting. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I have found in life- that those that brag and build themselves up are really not as interesting or wonderful as they say- my best guess is now that you have stepped back you realize this in her- keep that in my mind and move forward- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Your going to be okay. What a horrible person. She may seem to have it all but she is bankrupt inside. If I were you...Id rather be you. But it will take some time to recover. If you are able to, some sort of fresh start might help Not because you need one or because your life is boring or not enough, but because a new job or move or something along those lines might help you with some much needed distraction while you repair. Please realize she has a sickness and has issues and you are not her first or last victim. By the way, Im not sure if she is a helicopter paramedic or not but I worked in a hospital and used to flag the helicopters in. The paramedics were tired and miserable. Its an exhausting job with blood, vomit, depressing...so she is projecting what she wants you to think and see of her and how she wishes it were really in her life. It built her up to tear you down and thats ugly. Its a sickness and in the end you will be stronger though your feeling terribly weak now...its necessary for you to go through this greif to heal and rise above! Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I wouldn't waste any time trying to figure out why she behaved the way she did. People do what they do because of who they are. What matters is you; your thoughts, your feelings, your wishes, your dreams, your behaviour. Focus on yourself and reaching the peak of your potential. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedKyle Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 Your going to be okay. What a horrible person. She may seem to have it all but she is bankrupt inside. If I were you...Id rather be you. But it will take some time to recover. If you are able to, some sort of fresh start might help Not because you need one or because your life is boring or not enough, but because a new job or move or something along those lines might help you with some much needed distraction while you repair. Please realize she has a sickness and has issues and you are not her first or last victim. By the way, Im not sure if she is a helicopter paramedic or not but I worked in a hospital and used to flag the helicopters in. The paramedics were tired and miserable. Its an exhausting job with blood, vomit, depressing...so she is projecting what she wants you to think and see of her and how she wishes it were really in her life. It built her up to tear you down and thats ugly. Its a sickness and in the end you will be stronger though your feeling terribly weak now...its necessary for you to go through this greif to heal and rise above! She was a nurse on the helicopter - so basically same thing. She would go ON AND ON about all the people she saved, and how there were school feild trips that would sometimes come by 'all the kids said they wanted to grow up and be a hero like me', how she was super skilled and everyone looked up to her, how great it was to fly everywhere, how 'oh I just save people's lives for a living no big deal', ugh...makes me angry thinking about the million things she said. Thanks for all the responses guys. It really sucks because I have had a LONG interest in helicopters, even took a few pilot courses till it became too expensive, but it eats at me that a former interest of mine has been co-opted by her and her bragging and ego destruction of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 It really sucks because I have had a LONG interest in helicopters, even took a few pilot courses till it became too expensive, but *it eats at me that a former interest of mine has been co-opted by her and her bragging and ego destruction of me. You are you and she is she. She can't take your interests and experiences from you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Sure her job might be interesting, flying around, eating out, the whole nine but it's sort of like eating at a fancy restaurant and taking pics of each and every bite to post on facebook for everyone to see or being on a roller coaster and holding a camera at arms length video taping the entire thing. Something's missing inside you that prevents yourself from fully immersing yourself in the experience. The activity itself is great but the person is not truly having fun/enjoying it. The fact you know she's a lying narcissist, you know what her game is and yet somewhere deep inside you still believe what she told you. You ever think she actually envied you? Who you are, what you stood for, what you brought to the table. The fact she tried to break you down is testament to that. For her, great job, supposedly great life, yet she's cheating and felt the need to constantly break you down. Must be terrible to be honest. At least take that comfort. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedKyle Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 Is this at all common to be done with the affair but still caught up on something about the person? I see how utterly damaging, dangerous and dark she was, and for that I'll never go back, but I cant stop thinking about how much mental damage she did. From beating me down, to her 'cool' job, to how I was 'lucky to have her' etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Is this at all common to be done with the affair but still caught up on something about the person? Unfinished business. Accepting the end helps. Link to post Share on other sites
hardlesson Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 She sounds desperately insecure to me. That's exactly what people do when they are so insecure. And she sounds like a bully. I am so sorry for your pain. I never considered the married man I was seeing as narcissistic until I met current partner. Current partner is a psychologist - he said, by my description, the man was likely personality disordered. He has treated people for trauma related illnesses as a result of living with people with personality disorders (including narcissism - 'self love'). So...I guess it's no wonder you're feeling the way you are. He told me these particular disorders may be difficult to treat. So....well, she's gonna be stuck with it. And I'm glad you got out of it. I hope you keep up the NC. She may have made you ill, as mine did to me. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Hi Interesting topic. If you don't mind me asking was she diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder or is that your belief? The reason I ask is firstly it's impossible for someone who is not qualified and has not assessed her to label someone with a mental illness label. I say this firstly to avoid you bringing trouble onto yourself and secondly tell you that you can say "she seemed to have strong narcissistic traits" I have come to know more about narcissists than I ever wanted to or even thought it possible to know. If this woman was exhibiting traits as you suggest, it could be possible. Female narcissists are much more rare and believe it or not come in several different varieties. The traits you describe would point to the possibility of a grandiose narcissist which is probably the rarest kind for a female. The traits exhibited by the person who may have this issue is a variety known as the covert narcissist. If in fact you were right about the traits, I can tell you that you may have had the luckiest escape of your life. Do some research for yourself using a search engine. A true narcissist is a very dangerous personality disorder in that the unreality created by them where history is rewritten by them so that events you initially remember quite clearly get changed and repeated back to you so many times you think you've lost your mind until your mind finally accepts their version of the the event and the truth is lost forever. They are able to break you down to the point where a person can be made to feel pretty worthless and is convinced by the narcissist that you are so worthless you should not even have their company and since they have so much pity for you because they are "the best" you should consider yourself to have won the lottery simply because they even noticed you and you should serve them forever. Narcissists are seldom ever healed because they believe nothing is wrong with them, they are beyond perfect, and don't need help so they never seek it. I'm very sorry that your self confidence has taken such a knock. No matter what the issue this person has, what happened to you feels abusive. Continue to tell yourself that YOU ARE ENOUGH, just as you are, get therapy if you can and never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Has no one crossed paths with someone displaying traits of a narcissist Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Is this at all common to be done with the affair but still caught up on something about the person? I see how utterly damaging, dangerous and dark she was, and for that I'll never go back, but I cant stop thinking about how much mental damage she did. From beating me down, to her 'cool' job, to how I was 'lucky to have her' etc etc. She only did what you let her do to you. You needed to stand up for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 She only did what you let her do to you. You needed to stand up for yourself. I'm guessing you were never done over then Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 I know I'm going to get blasted here but, I think being a nurse on a life flight is a cool job. I know and am related to lots of nurses (none flight nurses) and I know several flight surgeons. It is a tough job. You have to be really good at what you do. It may be that she is just proud of what she does and is talking about her day. After we break up with someone it is very easy to blame the entire relationship and everything in it on the other person. It is also nice to lay all our issues on the other person. If it was a bad relationship, the healthiest thing to do is try to learn why we did what we did, why we accepted the behavior we did, and how to not repeat it in the next relationship. If we do not do that, then we are likely to repeat the same behaviors. Maybe this woman is not a nice person. Maybe you are just looking at her thru eyes of someone who is angry and bitter. How common is envy and/or feeling inferiority to the person we were involved with? How often was they likely narcissitic? Why do we try to armchair diagnose other people instead of working on ourselves? Doing pretty good from the break up on the married woman I was involved with (still NC and getting much better), but the problem still remains that she did a pretty good number on me beating my self image down of how she was the coolest around, I was lucky to even talk to her (literally told me this), this was not nice of her to say and how my life was boring (objectively not, but I began to believe it). If she is an adrenalin junky, maybe to her it is, but she still should not have said it. Excitement to one person may be boring to another. My mother thinks her life is quite exhilarating...I would die of boredom. But I love her enough to not say it. Everything was based on deception and HER having the power/control but despite me not knowing she was married until very near when I dumped her, why is all her emotional bragging still plaguing me? Her narcissism was so damaging, I can stay 80% of her words were putdowns or one-ups, and conveniently always used her job to get out of phone calls 'well time to fly in the helicopter, bye!' 'have to go save someone, bye' Instead of worrying about her "narcissism", why are you not concerned that you got into and stayed in a relationship with someone that you feel tore you down instead of supported you. As a person I can absolutely not stand her, the pain and deception was unbelievable, yet why I am envious of her job, when it was likely nothing more than her own narcissism that made it so 'cool' in the first place?! Even now over 1 month NC I think 'wonder if shes doing something interesting right now?', and her constant words of me being boring and her desirable left a large doubt in my mind that she was/is right. You need to stop letting her run around in your head so much. Focus on things that enrich your life. You are spending so much time focused on her. What she did, what she said, what she made you feel...that you forget, you allowed it all. Focus on the only person in this equation that you can truly work on. Not her, you. She is gone. Stop holding on to her and move on yourself. If you think you are boring, do something about it. But not because of her, because of you. She actually does have a "cool" job. Attacking it isn't going to make yourself any better, any more exciting, any happier. I hope you find peace. Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 I'm guessing you were never done over then Yes....... Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Yes....... yes you were or yes you were not Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 yes you were or yes you were not Sorry I was in a hurry. I've been hurt, too and had dealings with Narcissists. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Sorry I was in a hurry. I've been hurt, too and had dealings with Narcissists. I'm sorry you have been hurt and had dealings with narcissists. You haven't mentioned how, but until you have had your life nearly destroyed by one, it's nearly impossible to get. I'm not sure if OP had a narcissist in front of him based on OP's posts, and if I am right, OP you are lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Is this at all common to be done with the affair but still caught up on something about the person? I see how utterly damaging, dangerous and dark she was, and for that I'll never go back, but I cant stop thinking about how much mental damage she did. From beating me down, to her 'cool' job, to how I was 'lucky to have her' etc etc. Always remember that it is only people who are insecure and feel inadequate that attempt to put others down. SHE is insecure. SHE feels inadequate. SHE has a need to elevate herself by putting others down. And she does it to EVERYONE. It's not about you. It's about her deep insecurity and feelings of inadequacy that drive her need to denigrate others. Seriously, it's not about you personally at all. It's HER defect, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Hey ConfusedKyle If you are this hurt and disguised, free yourself and expose, Put her pics on XHAMSTER. Lend Karma a hand, if it helps you, but grow a pair off B*lls first. I'm not really for revenge, but this,, wow take care. Dutchman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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