FWB says he loves me now he won't talk about it

[gypsycat]

I would love some help with this situation. Have a FWB that was going great until last New Years he got drunk, professed his love for me and then in the light of day won't discuss it. He doesn't say it didn't happened, which tells me he remembers, he just won't discuss it.

 

I sent him an email a week after this happened saying don't play games with me, don't say things like that if you don't mean it and then in the light of day not talk about it. He responded with a "we'll talk later, didn't realize that was upsetting you". Well we never talked and continued on as though nothing happened, 4 months on I brought it up again. He responds with "you didn't want to talk then, now you want to?" and then proceeds to ignore the issue once again.

 

Some context, neither of us wanted a relationship for a variety of reasons, I'm guessing the drunken speech was letting some underlying feelings show and he doesn't know how to or doesn't want to bring that discussion into the real world. I can understand that, to be fair I'm uncomfortable talking about it with him even if he was to talk. Here's what I think my real problem is. I feel so walked on that he just continually ignores me on this and won't discuss it. I don't need a long discussion and I don't need him to follow through on anything he said, it's just one of those unresolved issues that needs to get out in the open and then be done with.

 

How do I get him to respond? Yea I know guys don't like to talk. It's eating away at our friendship that he's ignoring me on this, cause he ignores me on this but the rest of the friendship goes on like nothing happened. I'm thinking the best way for me to deal with this is just to move this to a completely platonic relationship, cause then stuff like this won't bother me and it might hit home that I'm annoyed. Or go get him drunk and get him to talk then lol.

 

Any other ideas as to how I can handle this better? or insights as to why he's all clammed up on this.

[RecordProducer]

Don't listen to people when they are drunk!!! (speaking from my own drunken experience) He might care about you, but if he doesn't want to respond, it means he didn't mean what he said when he was drunk. Trust me! There is nothing hiding under the surface except alcohol that changes our brains temporarily and his emotional weakness and loneliness at the moment. Leave him alone!

[Shaaz]

Hmmm... I'm not sure I agree necessarily... I've used getting drunk as an excuse to say things I'm too afraid to say in real life!

 

It could be that instead of being all "I love you too! Cool! Let's do something about it!", you said seriously and ominously: "Let's Talk About This and Work Something Out..." which may have sent him the signal you didn't feel the same way. If I were him and had some real feelings, I wouldn't want to Have A Talk with you about it either!

 

Just let it drop and don't try to push him into Talking about it - unless you love him and want to take the relationship out of the FWB stage. Then you'd have to take a risk and tell him WITHOUT knowing beforehand whether he was just in a drunken "I love everybody!" sappy mood or whether he was telling you something real.

[Mary3]

What I learned in my substance abuse class ( for my ex ) was that alcohol takes away what inhibitions someone might be doing or feeling.

 

If he told you he loves you but could only say it when he was drunk , just means he does love you but back in the sober world he does not want to discuss it. Guess he didnt bargain for himself to fall in love with you.

 

But to not want to discuss it is childish...This is someone you dont want to get too serious with unless he shows you the respect to discuss this situation...

 

I agree with Shaaz...

[RecordProducer]

Shaaz and Mary, in a drunk mode people love everyone and want to help everyone and make various promises and stupid phone calls, and a myriad of things they don't really mean.

If he was drunk and was talking about how much he loves her, it might mean something, but NOT without confirming it when sober. He basically told her "I love you!" That's it. And that's nothing. It's been 4 months since and although she wanted to discuss it, he doesn't. He might care about her, but obviously there is nothing like real love on his side.

[TexasSammy]

Here’s the deal. I don’t know this guy. So I have no way to know how he feels about you.

 

Let’s take it as a given that he is not comfortable talking about this issue. Your email response of: “don't play games with me, don't say things like that if you don't mean it” seems rather confrontational, and I can imagine why he might not want to participate in that conversation. Speaking as a guy, that conversation sounds like it would be scary. Really scary.

 

What do you want him to tell you? Do you want him to say he didn’t mean it? Do you want him to say he did mean it? You don’t mention in your post whether you have feelings for him or not. If he has feelings for you, but you don’t have any for him, then he has a good reason to want to avoid this topic with you.

 

True, it’s hard to take anyone seriously when they are drunk. But just because he doesn’t want to talk about this issue when he is sober, that doesn’t mean there was no truth behind what he said. He might just be scared. Speaking from personal experience, I have to agree with Shaaz and Mary3: people sometimes use alcohol to create a “safety net” to talk about topics they usually avoid. A few months in to my own FWB relationship, I realized that I had stronger feelings for this girl. I got drunk and told her that I loved her . . . twice. It was totally safe, because I knew she could blow it off as stupid drunk talk if she wanted to.

 

If she had responded by saying, “Look what you’re doing to me! You’re just playing games with me,” I would have been really stressed out, and I wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it.

 

But she didn’t. A few months later, we worked out how we felt in a non-confrontational way. That was four years ago, and now we are engaged to get married this summer.

 

I’m not saying this is what is going on in your situation. But it sounds like you are just trying to force him to discuss or repeat his drunk-talk while he is sober. He doesn’t want to do that. There could be several reasons for this. He might not have meant it. Or he might be afraid you don’t feel the same way. Either way, the ball might actually be in your court now.

 

Why do you feel walked on? If you don’t have any feelings for him, maybe it’s not fair to make him discuss this; it might even be a bit mean for you to press the issue. But, do you feel walked on because you have feelings for him too? If so, maybe your response should be to take a risk, and tell him about those feelings, instead of forcing him to repeat—or recant—what he said that one New Year’s night.