symmetry_moon Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) Hello, I'm new to the forum so be kind I've been married for 5 years, my husband is loving and caring but lately I don't completely trust him anymore, I feel him distant I'll probably open another thread. so... I feel strongly attracted to my dentist - a man 20 years older than me but young-looking and smart. I've known him for some years but as I had to go under treatment last spring I was seeing him every week or so. He was always complimenting me ("you are very beautiful", "I really like your perfume", "does your husband love you more now that you have better teeth?") and grinning, making jokes about his or my age. whenever we bump into eachother in the streets (I live in a small town) he's always very kind and stops for a chat as we have hobbies etc in common. a friend of mine is also a patient of him - she is older and more attractive than me I think - she told me such things never happen to her, that he's very professional and polite. I've always felt attracted to my dentist and would like to know if you think he is flirting or not... please note than I don't live in the US and in my country is not against the law for doctors to date patients. Edited September 10, 2015 by symmetry_moon Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) Forget the flirty dentist and sort out your marriage. IF your marriage is indeed dead, get a divorce and then you can pursue the dentist to your heart's content, IF he is available. Cheating hurts and damages people so badly some never really recover, your husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Your husband is distant because YOU have taken your focus off him and onto the dentist, and thus your husband is just mirroring your treatment of him. Edited September 10, 2015 by elaine567 removed quoted text 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author symmetry_moon Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 Forget the flirty dentist and sort out your marriage. IF your marriage is indeed dead, get a divorce and then you can pursue the dentist to your heart's content, IF he is available. Cheating hurts and damages people so badly some never really recover, your husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Your husband is distant because YOU have taken your focus off him and onto the dentist, and thus your husband is just mirroring your treatment of him. how do you know why my husband is distant?! how can you be sure it's my fault?!!! I was asking a specific question Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 how do you know why my husband is distant?! how can you be sure it's my fault?!!! I was asking a specific question Because it is obvious you are besotted and you have posted here wanting confirmation that your dentist possibly feels the same. Anyone close to a person who is besotted with another, tends to pick up on that vibe. AND People who want to cheat, usually then try and pick holes in their marriage and blame the BS - it is an old story. YOU do not trust your husband any longer because basically you do not trust yourself. It is called projection. Dentists are people who deal with the public a lot. Some have developed "tricks" to put people at ease and to keep clients coming back to the practice. They get their cues from the patients they see as to what will work. So whilst to most they just need to be "the professional dentist" to some they may become "the wise father figure", " the trusted friend", "the brother", "the nice son", "the kindly grand parent", "the comedian", "the confidante", "the debater"... etc. In your case he saw playing "the flirt" was the hook that would work to keep you on board and playing the flirt is just fun too. What you need to know is that most MM looking for conquests seek out the vulnerable, the weak, the unhappy and the unstable; as happy, confident, stable women tell them to get lost and push them back to their wives. Your friend will have obvious boundaries, so the dentist always remains professional and polite in her company. See this as an indication as how you come across to others and work on yourself. Being seen as vulnerable, weak, unhappy or unstable is not a great place to be, work on YOU. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Yes, he's flirting. Why not focus on your marriage instead of the dentist? Why do you feel your husband is distant? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author symmetry_moon Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 Yes, he's flirting. Why not focus on your marriage instead of the dentist? Why do you feel your husband is distant? I am focusing on my marriage, believe me. I am feeling miserable because of this attraction. I even thought about changing dentist but he's a great doctor. My husband lied to me many times and for years - he swears he has never cheated but I have strong clues he did... this just broke my heart. I am not vulnerable or weak. I run my own business and am a successful woman. I don't want to divorce but at the same time I don't trust him anymore whereas this attraction makes me feel alive and important again. I am not seeking advice on how to help my marriage in this thread, though Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Well, you certainly shouldn't trust this married dentist who is hitting on you, either. It makes you feel alive again. Ok, you've pinpointed a vulnerability. You need to pay attention to whatever it is that is making you feel stagnant, and actively include things in your life that make you feel alive (appropriate things). The dentist is avoidance. Escape. Fix your life so that you don't need to avoid and escape. Fix the marriage or leave. If you leave, don't date married men. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I am focusing on my marriage, believe me. I am feeling miserable because of this attraction. I even thought about changing dentist but he's a great doctor. My husband lied to me many times and for years - he swears he has never cheated but I have strong clues he did... this just broke my heart. I am not vulnerable or weak. I run my own business and am a successful woman. I don't want to divorce but at the same time I don't trust him anymore whereas this attraction makes me feel alive and important again. I am not seeking advice on how to help my marriage in this thread, though What are you seeking, exactly? I mean that as a sincere question. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Folks, our bashing/berating policy applies to individuals like it always has and discussions shall remain on-topic. This thread is posted in CFJ and a member inquires whether or not a certain person, apparently married, is flirting with them. That's the topic to work. Save the anti-infidelity harangue for other forums. This is not the one. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Sastrugi Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I am focusing on my marriage, believe me. I am feeling miserable because of this attraction. I even thought about changing dentist but he's a great doctor. My husband lied to me many times and for years - he swears he has never cheated but I have strong clues he did... this just broke my heart. I am not vulnerable or weak. I run my own business and am a successful woman. I don't want to divorce but at the same time I don't trust him anymore whereas this attraction makes me feel alive and important again. I am not seeking advice on how to help my marriage in this thread, though Oh, don't fall down this rabbit hole ( Revenge Affair). I can tell you from personal experience it is a hell of a climb out. You need to address your concerns directly about his possible affair.Is your husband transparent with his email accounts , phone, Etc. I totally agree once trust is broken it is very hard to earn back. One thing i have noticed in my marriage and and many of my friends is that feelings of love toward your spouse ebbs and flows. I was once told that committed lovers in a marriage fall in and out of love with each other through out life. It is the sanctity of marriage that allows this to happen in a safe environment and with out consequences. It could very well be that you are at an ebb right now. One thing my wife and I have learned to do is discuss our crushes. I told her recently that I understand crushes and they don't particularly bother me, unless of course you act on it. It has opened up a more honest discussion between us. The only thing that could be harmful from a crush is if it detracts you from working on your marriage. my 2 cents. S. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 How unprofessional for a married dentist to flirt with a married patient. It's one thing for a doctor or dentist to "DATE" some one but it's utterly inappropriate to flirt like that with a married patient. The reason your husband has become distant is because of YOU, emotionally distracted by your playboy dentist, and YOUR lack of action to make things better with your husband. Step one: find a new dentist. Step two: communicate with your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I am focusing on my marriage, believe me. I am feeling miserable because of this attraction. I even thought about changing dentist but he's a great doctor. My husband lied to me many times and for years - he swears he has never cheated but I have strong clues he did... this just broke my heart. I am not vulnerable or weak. I run my own business and am a successful woman. I don't want to divorce but at the same time I don't trust him anymore whereas this attraction makes me feel alive and important again. I am not seeking advice on how to help my marriage in this thread, though YOU have the ability to not go down the road that so many people have , to their own chagrin. That means being honest with your husband cond communicating what you feel is wrong. With consequences leading up to and including divorce if necessary. What you do not do, is cope with your marriage issues by having a relationship with someone outside the marriage. You can be reasonably held accountable for Fifty percent of the problems in a marriage, but you will be 100 percent responsible for making the choice to enter into infidelity. Do you even fathom how lucky you are that you are seeking sevice before you take a step where there are no do overs? If you want to handle this in an adult fashion, then please do what adults do and communicate their concerns, and act in a reasonable fashion should those concerns not be attempted to be rectified. Cheating is nothing more than Fast Tracking your own demise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author symmetry_moon Posted September 11, 2015 Author Share Posted September 11, 2015 Folks, our bashing/berating policy applies to individuals like it always has and discussions shall remain on-topic. This thread is posted in CFJ and a member inquires whether or not a certain person, apparently married, is flirting with them. That's the topic to work. Save the anti-infidelity harangue for other forums. This is not the one. Thanks! no one has followed this, apparently. I keep on getting the anti-infedelity moral Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 no one has followed this, apparently. I keep on getting the anti-infedelity moral OP, I asked you a reasonable question, without any lecturing. You haven't answered that, so I'll ask again: What are you seeking, exactly? Confirmation that your dentist is flirting, or..? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 so... I feel strongly attracted to my dentist - a man 20 years older than me but young-looking and smart. He was always complimenting me ("you are very beautiful", "I really like your perfume", "does your husband love you more now that you have better teeth?") and grinning, making jokes about his or my age. So I am betting that if you didn't find him attractive, your response would have been "stop sexually harassing me you lecherous old man". Isn't it funny how the difference between "friendly flirty compliments" and "get away from me you creep", is not his actions, but your feeling of attraction towards him? I've always felt attracted to my dentist and would like to know if you think he is flirting or not... Yes he is. So why don't you tell your husband you want a divorce, then you are free to date whomever you like without being an unfaithful wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 no one has followed this, apparently. I keep on getting the anti-infidelity moral The anti-infidelity moral is not bashing. Read the Terms of Service. The reason you keep getting it is because cheating on the man you made vows to is wrong. Do you have proof that your husband cheated on you, or is this feeling you have that he did something you have told yourself to justify entertaining the idea of an affair with your dentist? You mentioned in your first post that dating a patient is not against ethics in your country. This says to me you have pretty much already decided to cheat. What is it you want exactly, a stamp of approval? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) He's flirting, but this does not mean he thinks you're special. It just means that you responded positively to his first "testing the waters" flirt. He probably does it with all his attractive or young female patients. He'll say something borderline flirty, and if you respond with a giggle or batting eyelashes, he's been given the green light to flirt. If the patient responds to that first flirty line with an uncomfortable, WTF? look, he stops it right there. Edited September 11, 2015 by Quiet Storm Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 He's probably bored out of his mind between four walls all day looking down peoples throats and flirts with any breathing thing that walks into his office. So I vote yes he was flirting. Enjoy! Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 If you no longer want to be married to your husband, then divorce him. Then you can flirt your head off with your dentist and even date him if you want. BUT as long as you are married, your loyalty, care, love & flirting needs to be with your husband. As for your original question, heck YES he's flirting with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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