HurtOfGlass Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 First thing.... I saw my ex on the street in my town. She also saw me. We threw blank at each other. And then passed by. No words. No smile. Just a stare for a few seconds. Its really very philosophical. I mean in life nothing in written in stone. There were times when we used to profess undying love for each other and to be with each other forever. From then it turned to betrayer and betrayed, ex-lovers having another go, then ultimately to enemy. If only we could see what our future holds. Second thing.... My now fiancee reads fiction novels. Especially romantic ones. Her latest crush is Paulo Coelho. Since she read his THE ALCHEMIST she has become hooked to the author. So she ordered his other novels. And that includes the latest one. ADULTERY. I didn't say anything about her choice. But I read the synopsis of the book in Wikipedia. Here is what is written in Wiki: "A woman around her thirties begins to question the routine and predictability of her days. In everybody’s eyes, she has a perfect life: a solid and stable marriage to a rich and loving husband, sweet and well-behaved children and a job as a journalist she can't complain about. However, she can no longer bear the necessary effort to fake happiness when all she feels in life is an enormous apathy, boredom and depression. All that changes when she encounters an ex-boyfriend from her adolescence. Jacob is now a successful politician and, during an interview, he ends up arousing something in her she hadn’t felt for a long time: passion. They begin an affair which leads to brutal, S/M sex that she finds very exciting. She will now do anything to conquer that impossible love, and will have to go down to the pit of human emotions to finally find her redemption" This triggered me horribly. Why? I think the synopsis is pretty self explaining to anyone who has ever been betrayed. I am having trouble when I am talking with her. I feel a discomfort around her - discomfort that she is about to read a novel that condones a wife getting "bored" of her "kind, loving" husband and starts an affair which is filled heavily with passionate, taboo sex.... I don't know what to say to her. She knows how my relationship with my ex ended - I told her she cheated on me. Yet she was excited to show me her latest collection of books. I am struggling.... Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 i read that book & it doesn't encourage the adultery. instead, it points out the danger of falling into the routine and not challening each other as a couple daily. it's more of a warning than anything else, i'd say. i don't think she even thought of that being a trigger for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) oh society things truly have changed. these days couples no longer have joint account and it seems so much of a norm. back in my home country highest grossing local movie was about affairs. then a new season comes again its about affairs. scandals here scandals there. as if people know for a fact. nothing is written in stone. a popular theme: in local media these days "a tied chicken is easier to catch". lol people who read stuff like that tend to lean on the other side... just saying. when i looked back what friends told about certain friends tendencies were really kinda right. and maybe the reality is we have these problems because in the first place its the people we chose. Edited September 10, 2015 by m.snow Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Most normal adults don't read fiction then decide they want to emulate the storyline. You'll be fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 If she reads a crime novel, are you worried she will become a serial killer? There's your answer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Most normal adults don't read fiction then decide they want to emulate the storyline. You'll be fine. The danger of such books is not that they read it and want to emulate it. The danger is that they read it and identify with the protagonist of the book. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 The danger of such books is not that they read it and want to emulate it. The danger is that they read it and identify with the protagonist of the book. Maybe it is the English teacher in me, but unless we are going to feel the same way about ALL fiction, this just doesn't wash. I mean (and this is TV I know), I identified in some ways with Dexter. The purpose of the way books are written is so that the reader will identify. I hate adultery. But honestly, to see someone reading a romance that has an adultery component as some sort of litmus test of fidelity is....well, just stupid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 People don't cheat because they read about in a book or saw an episode of a tv series with it in it. If she cheats, she would have done it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Be honest with your feelings, tell her how you feel. See how she deals with it, that should tell you what you want to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Hurtofglass, the book is a trigger for you not her, she is not aware of it. Most people are not aware of the things that are discussed here in regards of affairs. I would just give her the benefit of the doubt and educate her about triggers Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 Thanks everyone for their comments! I am not going to say anything to her about the book. If I go to her and say that this books troubles me because of my past, she may think I am insecure. Or if my concerns rub her the wrong way, she may see me as someone trying to control her even before I married her. I am not a craven to not talking about my emotional feelings (I do that with my therapist), but neither I am going to make a fool of myself by expressing them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Has this author written any books about brothels and prostitutes? Could it be that you are projecting onto her because of how you feel about keeping YOUR truth a secret from her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) Has this author written any books about brothels and prostitutes? Could it be that you are projecting onto her because of how you feel about keeping YOUR truth a secret from her? I don't know. I have never read Paulo Coelho. So I am not allowed to trigger? And if I do its because in some distant past I slept with prostitutes. Edited September 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 If she has never been cheated on, she has no idea what triggery subjects feel like. Can you describe it to her? Can you (in a nice, calm way, without emotions) tell her that the fact that she wants to entertain herself with a topic that immensely hurt you to the core, doesn't sit right with you? And that you would appreciate, out of respect to you, that she would just skip this one? I too would be concerned that she would find the topic glamorous. Now, God forbid, but if I had a family member murdered, I'm sure having my spouse read about the life of a murderer upsetting too. It's just common decency that she should be sensitive to your feelings, however she probably has no clue how gut wrenching it makes you feel. Please discuss it with her honestly. Don't worry how it makes you look or sound. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Maybe it is the English teacher in me, but unless we are going to feel the same way about ALL fiction, this just doesn't wash. I mean (and this is TV I know), I identified in some ways with Dexter. The purpose of the way books are written is so that the reader will identify. Are you of the belief that the values of this country have not been changed based on what people read and watch? Once TV started including gay people in a positive way where people could identify with them, look how quickly things have changed for that community. Obama was officially against gay marriage when he first ran for office, and clearly stated so in the debates, and now look. I hate adultery. But honestly, to see someone reading a romance that has an adultery component as some sort of litmus test of fidelity is....well, just stupid. I never said it was a "litmus test", just that it could be a cause for concern when she is reading a book titled "ADULTERY" where adultery is more than just a minor "component" of the book. I do not know the book, but if they have blame shifting that rationalizes the cheating, that would bother me. Link to post Share on other sites
Jkidding Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Yet she was excited to show me her latest collection of books. I am struggling.... I like movies about WWII. And movies about zombies. So what? Well if you see a lot of those books coming one after another maybe you should worry. But if it's just one book. Not important. If you're worried.. hey say you're interested too. And read it. Or read it together in bed! Even better Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 If she reads a crime novel, are you worried she will become a serial killer? There's your answer. depends? whats the pov? the detective? the victim? or the serial cheater? erotic love novels are different, it lets you see things in a different light. which can seriously affect relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Jkidding Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 erotic love novels are different, it lets you see things in a different light. which can seriously affect relationships. still better than watching porn Link to post Share on other sites
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