Unhappy with my wife

[Everalei]

Well, this is my first post, so I'll be straight: I don't know if I love my wife anymore. Actually, I can't say I loved her when we got married. We've been together for 11 years, married for 3, but now I'm starting to think that we shouldn't have married. We got married in September, 2012. That same year, a few months before the wedding, her mother was hospitalized to undergo a heart surgery. Meanwhile, her mother's mother died. They were very close, and that was a real shock.

 

And, to make things even worse, my wife's mother died a few days after the surgery. They weren't as close, but that really caught her. The problem is that I was going to end our relationship (since I had realized we didn't have as many things in common) when her mother got sick, then I decided to support her through that hard time (believe it or not, I have a heart). But then, all that happened and I thought that if I broke up with her, she would be devastated for losing so many people at once. I tried to postpone the ceremony, but she just didn't want to. Man, that wedding was a mess. I can tell you that it was one of the worst moments of life. My wife just cried throughout the ceremony, and after it, and we didn't even have a party, so I really don't have any good memories from that day (which should have been a very happy one), and I think it was a real bad start.

 

I thought that we could make things work, but we couldn't. As expected, they only got worse: we argue about everything and the only things we have in common is that we're both human beings and honest. Period. We disagree on everything else (likes, dislikes, principles, thoughts, objectives, dreams). I know that people don't have to agree on everything to be together (I think that would be awful), but we're simply walking in opposite directions. You know, I'd rather clean a public restroom with a toothbrush than do some of the things that she likes (which are very few, since she doesn't like to do anything). Being so, we rarely have a decent conversation for over a few minutes, and it's never a real deep one (just the kind I like to have).

 

I care about her, but not as a husband cares about his wife, but as I do with everyone that I like. I feel happier with my friends and colleagues than at home with her. I can say we're not even friends (and I think we wouldn't be if we weren't together). She even told me a few times that she doesn't like most of what I am and do. She's a real needy person who lacks self esteem and is afraid of so many things that I wouldn't be able to list. And to make things even worse, she's not getting along with her family because her father is now seeing a woman. My wife says that she will never accept that (she is really stubborn about that, and about almost everything else).

 

I've told her many times to seek professional help to bury her mother and grandmother, but she just won't. I want her to be happy, but it seems she doesn't want to. She even says that a person's life is done after their mother dies. You see what kind of things I've had to deal with? Things were nice in the beginning (or they seemed to), we got along well, sex was great, but now, as you can see, things have turned around and we have a lot of resentment for each other. I don't admire her for anything. How can you love your spouse if you don't admire them? And please don't tell me that I should change anything. I don't want to.

 

I'm 32, and there are so many things that I still want to do that I just don't want to waste my time changing myself or my principles/beliefs/dreams. I know I'm not perfect, but I also know I have my qualities. Also, I don't think that a person should change anything to please anyone, because people should like you for who you are, not for who you can be just to please them.

 

I admit that I haven't been a good husband, and that's why I think she deserves to find someone who can admire and love her. Any advice?

Edited September 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

Would you rather

a) you divorce and put an end to this relationship for good.

or

b) she stops all of those annoying habits she has?

[Lois_Griffin]

I think your wife could be right as rain and the perfect spouse - but if you DON'T LOVE HER it doesn't really matter, does it?

 

Why are you falling on the sword for her every single day? There must be some kind of pay-off for you in being a martyr because you just keep going year after year in misery. So what's the pay-off?

 

I can almost predict that within the next couple of years, she'll be pregnant and you'll start having kids. And you'll go right along with it.

 

And you'll still be there, miserable as hell.

 

But by then, you'll be lamenting that you're 'stuck for life' because of your kids.

 

You know what you need to do and you don't need us to tell you.

[oldshirt]

I'll take the assumption you are not involved with any other woman at this time and don't have a specific other woman in your sights so I'll offer this -

 

- I think the question you need to ask yourself is if you will be better off on your own than with her.

 

If you can honestly say that you would be better off on your own, doing your own thing than being yoked with her, even if you don't find anyone else in the foreseeable future, then you are better off divorcing.

[oldshirt]

Just out of curiosity, how have you not been a good husband? Please explain further.

[BlueBlood]

Has the topic of divorce ever been raised between you and your wife?

[Satu]

It sounds like you're wasting each others time.

 

Divorce and move on.

[TaraMaiden2]

You know what you want to do.

You know what would be best.

 

what's stopping you from doing it?

Is it a good and valid reason?

 

Then you know what to do.

[BetrayedH]

Marriage is for life and involves compromise. You seem willing to do neither. Nice.

 

My advice to you would be to insist upon marriage counseling. If she balks, tell her the other option is for you to make an appointment with a family law attorney, for yourself. Then, adjust your attitude to one that's appropriate for a lifetime partnership.

 

Not willing to do that? Consider the full responsibility for the failed marriage to be on yourself.

[sandylee1]

Time to tell her you want a divorce . You didn't mention kids. I hope there are none, as it would make a clean break. Go your seperate ways and be done. It's a no brainer.

[pravinbh]

If you are unhappy with your wife and she also hate you then defiantly breakup is only way. But I think that, In married life, adjustment and ignore and accept the bad and good thing of partner from both side is the solution of happy married life.

[Everalei]

Well, I haven't been supportive all the times (as a husband should do), I haven't been patient with her (e.g. when she asks for advice, I just say what I think she should do, plain and simple, without any choice of words) and I haven't tried to change anything (as I told you, if I'm supposed to go through the calvary of changing my principles and likes and everything else, then it's not worth it, since I believe it would be easier and better to find someone who really likes me for who I am, not for who I'm supposed to be).

[Everalei]

Yes, we've raised the topic of divorce twice, but the story repeated itself: she whined and cried and said she didin't deserve anything good, that she should die and meet her mom and grandma, and so on. Once, she even considered suicide and took some pain killers. That was the end for any admiration and respect I had for her. From that day on, I started to see her as a spoiled child with plenty of psychological issues, not as my wife. But, as I told you, she won't seek professional help. Just won't. I may not love her the way she wants, but I do care about her, and I don't want her to feel so unhappy.

[GunslingerRoland]

It's tough as you are in a situation where she is completely dependent on you. Sounds like she always has been, you married someone you were hoping to break up with, because you thought she was too fragile after losing her mom and grandmother.

 

You can't make her get help. You can't fix her problems. But you also can't sit around trapped in a marriage you hate, because you are worried about her.

 

You need to move on.

[Everalei]

Marriage is for life and involves compromise. You seem willing to do neither. Nice.

 

My advice to you would be to insist upon marriage counseling. If she balks, tell her the other option is for you to make an appointment with a family law attorney, for yourself. Then, adjust your attitude to one that's appropriate for a lifetime partnership.

 

Not willing to do that? Consider the full responsibility for the failed marriage to be on yourself.

 

 

As I said before, if I'm supposed to change who I am just to save this marriage, then something is completely wrong. She shouldn't have married me in hopes of changing my whole being. I accept that it's almost all my fault, but I wouldn't take full responsibility, since the only thing she's been trying to do is to change basically everything in me. What would you do? Do you think you would be able to change everything in you for anyone? I really really don't think anyone would ever be able to do that, because we are what we are (of course we can make a lot of changes, but our essence will always be the same; for instance, I'm an honest person, and I don't think I would ever change that for anyone).

[Everalei]

Just out of curiosity, how have you not been a good husband? Please explain further.

 

Well, I haven't been supportive all the times (as a husband should do), I haven't been patient with her (e.g. when she asks for advice, I just say what I think she should do, plain and simple, without any choice of words) and I haven't tried to change anything (as I told you, if I'm supposed to go through the calvary of changing my principles and likes and everything else, then it's not worth it, since I believe it would be easier and better to find someone who really likes me for who I am, not for who I'm supposed to be).

[Everalei]

Would you rather

a) you divorce and put an end to this relationship for good.

or

b) she stops all of those annoying habits she has?

 

 

I really don't think she'll ever stop ALL of those annoying habits, and sincerely I don't want her to change who she is, because I know what is like (it's frustrating) to have someone expecting you to change.

[Everalei]

I'll take the assumption you are not involved with any other woman at this time and don't have a specific other woman in your sights so I'll offer this -

 

- I think the question you need to ask yourself is if you will be better off on your own than with her.

 

If you can honestly say that you would be better off on your own, doing your own thing than being yoked with her, even if you don't find anyone else in the foreseeable future, then you are better off divorcing.

 

 

No, there's no other woman in sight. You know, I'm not the kind of person who believes that you MUST find someone to be with in order to be happy. I believe that the right person arrives when the time is right.

[Everalei]

It's tough as you are in a situation where she is completely dependent on you. Sounds like she always has been, you married someone you were hoping to break up with, because you thought she was too fragile after losing her mom and grandmother.

 

You can't make her get help. You can't fix her problems. But you also can't sit around trapped in a marriage you hate, because you are worried about her.

 

You need to move on.

 

 

You're right; she is completely dependent on me, and I can't take it anymore. I wish she could be a "normal" person, who can find joy in other things and people, and not be someone who claims things like "life is senseless without you" or "I can never be happy without you", or even "I feel so lonely when you're not around". Man, that makes life just miserable. Sometimes I have to start a fight just to go out for a few minutes to buy a new pair of socks. I believed she'd become a less dependant person along the years, but she didn't. Actually I think she got even worse.

[oldshirt]

Has she ever told you that you need to change or she will leave?

 

Has she ever told you that you need to change in order for her to love and desire you and to be happy with you.

 

Is she really the one that is actually asking you to change or are you projecting and the reality is that you wish she was someone and something different????

 

If you were to make all of these changes and be the perfect man, husband and father, would that make you love, desire and admire her or would the new you still be dissatisfied with her?

[Everalei]

Has she ever told you that you need to change or she will leave?

 

Has she ever told you that you need to change in order for her to love and desire you and to be happy with you.

 

Is she really the one that is actually asking you to change or are you projecting and the reality is that you wish she was someone and something different????

 

If you were to make all of these changes and be the perfect man, husband and father, would that make you love, desire and admire her or would the new you still be dissatisfied with her?

 

 

1. She's always telling me to change, but never talks about leaving;

2. Yes.

3. Of course I wish she was different: a person who likes and accepts me. Just that.

4. I will NEVER be the perfect man, husband and father (we don't have kids yet) because I just don't want to be a perfect anything. And God knows if the new me would admire and love her, since he would be so different from who he is now.

That makes me think that you believe everyone is supposed to change whatever it is to become another person once they find someone who claims to love them, even without accepting half of what/who they are. It's like marrying a car expecting it to become a truck, and becoming frustrated and fighting with it every time it shows that it is still a car, and it's not becoming the expected truck. If you wanted a truck, you should've married a truck, not a car.

 

Maybe I've always been wrong for thinking that a person who claimed to love you would accept you for who you really are, plain and simple, without trying to turn you into someone else, especially one you don't want to be.

[Doublegold]

When a partner tells you what you "should do" or "shouldn't do" or how you should be or shouldn't be etc. that is a real problem. It most likely won't change--and only get worse. Look how she is treating her Father.

 

Since you posted that there are no children YET--please be careful to not have a pregnancy. A pregnancy could be disasterous for you both, and the baby. Your wife appears to have serious mental health issues--her comments about not wanting to be alive etc. She has suffered a tremendous loss in her Mother and Grandmother--has she seeked help for that? As dependent as she is on you, she still has a responsibility as a person to work on herself.

 

Finally, and most importantly--you do deserve happiness. This isn't a dress rehearsal, life is short. Live it.

 

Take care.

[Everalei]

When a partner tells you what you "should do" or "shouldn't do" or how you should be or shouldn't be etc. that is a real problem. It most likely won't change--and only get worse. Look how she is treating her Father.

 

Since you posted that there are no children YET--please be careful to not have a pregnancy. A pregnancy could be disasterous for you both, and the baby. Your wife appears to have serious mental health issues--her comments about not wanting to be alive etc. She has suffered a tremendous loss in her Mother and Grandmother--has she seeked help for that? As dependent as she is on you, she still has a responsibility as a person to work on herself.

 

Finally, and most importantly--you do deserve happiness. This isn't a dress rehearsal, life is short. Live it.

 

Take care.

 

Well, that's the point. I believe she really doesn't like who I am (she's already told me that), and that's why she tells me what I should and shouldn't do. I understand that we need to addapt some things in order to live with a person, and I accept that, but changing almost everything I like to do is too much.

She has psychological issues that need professional help, but she WON'T seek it. And we (her father, her sister, her relatives and I) tried to convince her, but her biggest characteristic, being sttuborn, spoke louder.

Thank you very much for believeing I deserve happiness. I really think she deserves too, as she's a good person with plenty of qualities, but she won't get it the way she's living.

[warshaw]

I have no tolerance for people who cannot accept their parents dating new people after they lose their spouse to death.

 

It's so incredibly selfish. Especially with older children and adults to treat their parents in this way.

 

You married her because you felt bad for her. How long will you continue to entrap yourself in a bad situation because you feel bad for her?

 

The longer you wait the worse it gets. You know you never should have gotten married, don't spend good money after bad, or however the expression goes.

[Everalei]

I have no tolerance for people who cannot accept their parents dating new people after they lose their spouse to death.

 

It's so incredibly selfish. Especially with older children and adults to treat their parents in this way.

 

You married her because you felt bad for her. How long will you continue to entrap yourself in a bad situation because you feel bad for her?

 

The longer you wait the worse it gets. You know you never should have gotten married, don't spend good money after bad, or however the expression goes.

 

I also think she's been selfish. She's 32, her sister is 26 and her brother is 33, so you see, her father has no toddlers to take care of. His children are all grown up. And I swear that I tried to postpone the wedding, but she was too stubborn to accept that, and I was too weak to put an end to our relationship then. Now I feel trapped.

A few days ago we talked about our differences. I'd say we're like water and oil now, as we've changed, like everyone else changes throught their lives, and we're realizing that we want completely different things from life and from each other, and none of us is willing to give up on their dreams just to stay together (and I strongly believe no one should ever give up on their dreams just to stay with another person).