Unhappy with my wife

[warshaw]

A few days ago we talked about our differences. I'd say we're like water and oil now, as we've changed, like everyone else changes throught their lives, and we're realizing that we want completely different things from life and from each other

 

I don't think people change all that much throughout their lives, once we get to say, our 20s we get relatively fixed in our ideas, perspectives, habits, behaviors, etc.

 

What happens is that we meet someone and we "think" we're a lot alike because we fall in love with the person and we sort of filter out all the bad and we only see the good and we convince ourselves that we're like "soulmates" or something like that and eventually the initial strong feelings of attraction start to fade and reality sets in and we take a good hard look at our partner and we think "WTF did we marry".

[Everalei]

I don't think people change all that much throughout their lives, once we get to say, our 20s we get relatively fixed in our ideas, perspectives, habits, behaviors, etc.

 

What happens is that we meet someone and we "think" we're a lot alike because we fall in love with the person and we sort of filter out all the bad and we only see the good and we convince ourselves that we're like "soulmates" or something like that and eventually the initial strong feelings of attraction start to fade and reality sets in and we take a good hard look at our partner and we think "WTF did we marry".

 

 

Well, I can say I've changed since my 20s, since I didn't feel like an adult then, but I do now, and I'm more reponsible and less worried about what people think of me. The real problem is that we've come to a point where we have completely different objectives and dreams. I've never been a materialist person, but now she just started a good job and only talks about buying things (not only useless things, because she's good at dealing with money) and complaining that I'm not into that. She's right: I'm not. I've always been worried about environmental issues, so I started an ENGO with some friends and we're working on reforesting an area that was destroyed by a fire last year. I've never felt so alive and proud of myself. When we're there planting trees (which is usually hard work, and you get dirty and hurt sometimes), I just feel happy. Happier than when I'm doing ANYTHING else. Now, ask me what she thinks of it: she doesn't care about it. Just that. I thought she'd be proud of me for doing something for the future generations, but I was wrong. We've had several serious fights about it, but I decided I will keep doing it, no matter what, because I believe I deserve to be happy. Once again, I think was wrong about love: I've always thought that the person who claims to love you should be happy for seeing you happy, especially when you're not doing anything wrong, but something for other people.

[Doublegold]

OP--"I've always been worried about environmental issues, so I started an ENGO with some friends and we're working on reforesting an area that was destroyed by a fire last year. I've never felt so alive and proud of myself. When we're there planting trees (which is usually hard work, and you get dirty and hurt sometimes), I just feel happy. Happier than when I'm doing ANYTHING else. Now, ask me what she thinks of it: she doesn't care about it. Just that. I thought she'd be proud of me for doing something for the future generations, but I was wrong."

 

^^^^ This! I think it is time you focus on yourself and stop feeling such a sense of responsability to someone whom you see doesn't appear to care about what makes you happy.

 

Same as she feels about her Father finding happiness again after the loss of his wife. I am sorry to say this but your wife appears very selfish and judgemental.

 

Maybe its time you started being as self-focused as her and find happiness in the things you love to do, and surround yourself with people who you enjoy. Don't lose your 'sense of self'--it can be very hard to get back.

 

Take care--

Edited September 12, 2015 by Doublegold

[Maggie4]

Why do you need more reasons to leave? Why do you need to list all her faults? Why do you need advice to leave? Why did you marry her when you didn't love her? There is a pattern emerging... she is stubborn, high drama, and dominant. You are compliant, indecisive, and avoidant. She didn't trap you, your personality trapped yourself.

[Everalei]

OP--"I've always been worried about environmental issues, so I started an ENGO with some friends and we're working on reforesting an area that was destroyed by a fire last year. I've never felt so alive and proud of myself. When we're there planting trees (which is usually hard work, and you get dirty and hurt sometimes), I just feel happy. Happier than when I'm doing ANYTHING else. Now, ask me what she thinks of it: she doesn't care about it. Just that. I thought she'd be proud of me for doing something for the future generations, but I was wrong."

 

^^^^ This! I think it is time you focus on yourself and stop feeling such a sense of responsability to someone whom you see doesn't appear to care about what makes you happy.

 

Same as she feels about her Father finding happiness again after the loss of his wife. I am sorry to say this but your wife appears very selfish and judgemental.

 

Maybe its time you started being as self-focused as her and find happiness in the things you love to do, and surround yourself with people who you enjoy. Don't lose your 'sense of self'--it can be very hard to get back.

 

Take care--

 

You know what, you're right. I've been trying not to judge see her as a selfish person, but I think she's become one. Her father is so much happier now that he's dating someone (he was very sad for losing his wife). And that's funny cause she's always calling people selfish... Anyway, that's what I'm doing now: I'm just going after what I really want.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

[Everalei]

Why do you need more reasons to leave? Why do you need to list all her faults? Why do you need advice to leave? Why did you marry her when you didn't love her? There is a pattern emerging... she is stubborn, high drama, and dominant. You are compliant, indecisive, and avoidant. She didn't trap you, your personality trapped yourself.

 

Yeah, you're right. I know I trapped myself in this marriage, and now I'm starting to see how wrong it was to move on with it in the first place, since we were - and still are - completely different people.

[Dolfin80]

I can't believe you have been in this relationship for 11 years.

 

Why has it taken so long to find out that you don't have the same objectives in life and that you are incompatible? Usually you find this out in the first few years of dating or living with someone.

 

11 years is a long term relationship.

[Everalei]

I can't believe you have been in this relationship for 11 years.

 

Why has it taken so long to find out that you don't have the same objectives in life and that you are incompatible? Usually you find this out in the first few years of dating or living with someone.

 

11 years is a long term relationship.

 

 

Yes, 11 years a little too long. But, better late than never. I'll have a serious talk with her and tell her I'm done. I just hope she doesn't come with her "I don't want to live anymore" talk. You know, that's why I haven't taken this step before: she's rarely reasonable about relationships; she's just emotional (and tends to follow the wrong emotions).

[Everalei]

I finally talked very seriously with her. In the beginning it flowed better than I expected, we explained how we were feeling and what we think should be done and so on, but then she broke down and started to cry and cried untill she couldn't anymore (it took quite a while, I can say). It seems we're unfixable, but at least I feel relieved that I can recognize my responsibilities in this situation, while she insists that she can't see a single flaw in her behaviour as a wife. Today I'll look for a house for rent (I just hope I can find a very small one, since our financial status is also very complicated) while we decide what to do with the house (she claims that she built it by herself, since she went to stores and negotiated with builders while I was working in two jobs and giving classes at night in order to make as much money as I could). I know I didn't help a lot with the practical stuff, but I paid (and I'm still paying) over 70% of everything. It's funny that she says I'm selfish and don't recognize anything she does.

[beanie66f]

Well from your posts it does sound like you are selfish. Lol. But that's okay. If you are not angry and you aren't interested in working on anything because you have no interest then you aren't doing you wife any favors continuing the marriage. Man up. File for the divorce and move on with your lives. If you don't have a lot of assets or complicated finances consider using a mediator instead of attorneys for the divorce process if your state allows it. It is much cheaper that way

[Everalei]

Well from your posts it does sound like you are selfish. Lol. But that's okay. If you are not angry and you aren't interested in working on anything because you have no interest then you aren't doing you wife any favors continuing the marriage. Man up. File for the divorce and move on with your lives. If you don't have a lot of assets or complicated finances consider using a mediator instead of attorneys for the divorce process if your state allows it. It is much cheaper that way

 

 

Okay. I'm selfish, but I think you didn't read the part where she claims that she can't see a single flaw in her behaviour a a wife. How can anyone say that is a perfect anything? Can you? No one and nothing is perfect, and will never be, and telling a person that you see yourself as perfect doesn't count towards not being selfish. But that's just my opinion, which is probably wrong, along with everything I've always known about love and relationships.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

She's a manipulative and dramatic person who will not let you go. I'm sure she knows you want to leave. You only get one life, why waste it. Stop having sex with her. Sleep on the couch. Get a second job. Have a trusted friend or relative help you get a safe deposit box that's not in your name. Save hidden money to fund you moving out & your divorce. Don't be unethical with her by pretending that you're her happy husband. Her problems are not your responsibly.

[Popsicle]

Ignore her theatrics. Keep going, and be sure to file and move out into that small apartment.

[beanie66f]

Okay. I'm selfish, but I think you didn't read the part where she claims that she can't see a single flaw in her behaviour a a wife. How can anyone say that is a perfect anything? Can you? No one and nothing is perfect, and will never be, and telling a person that you see yourself as perfect doesn't count towards not being selfish. But that's just my opinion, which is probably wrong, along with everything I've always known about love and relationships.

 

See. That's the thing. It really does not matter if she is perfect or doesn't see flaws. (And of course no one is perfect). You aren't happy and you aren't interested in considering things to do to work on marriage. So yes that is selfish behavior in regards to being married.

 

But honestly it's okay!!!!!! You sound like you know what you want. You are not happy and you have determined that she can't change to make the marriage happy. Life is short. You have no kids. Move on. She will figure things out... Grieve..and move on too. Just don't stay and be passive aggressive and resentful. That's not helpful for your well being or hers. Go find your passion and do things you enjoy. Best of luck!

[S2B]

No kids and this much unhappiness? Divorce her.

 

 

Every person deserves to be happy every single day.

 

She will adjust. She will react while adjusting to these changes. Don't react to her...at all.

[spanz1]

she obviously has some serious issues, and needs professional counseling. get her that counseling. after her head is screwed on a little tighter, see if she becomes again the woman you used to know. if not, then divorce her.

[ShatteredLady]

I think she's deeply depressed. She was a depressed person who THEN got hit with the losses of her female family chain. That's devastating.

 

I think you're a basically kind guy who doesn't do confrontation or open communication well (work on that for ultimate happiness & contentment in the future) & you're a bit laid-back (That's ok. I like that so I'm bias). You got stuck in a bad situation but are a bit too apathetic to do anything bout it.

 

You then had the big guilt hit of her loosing so much & you couldn't put her through the pain of loosing you. That's wrong but not so bad to be honest. You're human. That's a lot of years. I'd argue that any nice person would have feelings for ANY person they spend that much time with.

 

If I'm correct in what I've said so far my advise is obvious.... Stop being completely 'You' for a while. Take a deep breath & be the bad guy!! You're not really the bad guy... No-one should resign themselves to a horrible life because they feel bad about hurting someone.

 

There are men who want your wife! There are men who like broken birds who are a bit melodramatic & needy. She will eventually be good.

 

She will hurl histrionics around. Keep a close eye to make sure she doesn't pull any dangerous cries for attention (Suicide attempts are the last thing you want on your conscious!). Be kind & take your time & be VERY honest. I know that's going to be hard but please!! Try not to be angry. Just honest.

 

Best of luck in your future life!

 

If you're rewriting history because you're falling in lust with another woman or having a randy midlife crisis STOP!!! You will wake-up one day & HATE yourself!

[baco]

It seems to me that there was never love in the first place, so the marriage was doomed before it even began.

The best thing you can do for both of you is to leave, you are both depriving yourselfs of other relationships that can be fulfilling and living in misery for no reason.

 

Your wife is probably depressed and depression is a serious disease that should be addressed ASAP and in depressed people a life changing event like a divorce can trigger suicide, specially if she had previous atempts, so you have to make sure she has a good support network, talk to her family about it, to her friends, go to a therapist yourself to try to determine what the best way to break up is and what can be done to help her get the help she needs.

[Everalei]

She's a manipulative and dramatic person who will not let you go. I'm sure she knows you want to leave. You only get one life, why waste it. Stop having sex with her. Sleep on the couch. Get a second job. Have a trusted friend or relative help you get a safe deposit box that's not in your name. Save hidden money to fund you moving out & your divorce. Don't be unethical with her by pretending that you're her happy husband. Her problems are not your responsibly.

 

 

Nice plan, though I already have a second job (and getting a third one would be almost impossible, since the other two take a lot of my time). Also, my finances are a bit short (since I've been spending lots of money on building the house), and I still couldn't find a place to stay that I can afford (and sincerely, after all the searching, I don't think I will). Well, I could move back with my mom, but that's something I really wouldn't like to do (she's a great mom, but I think that moving back with your parents after the end of your marriage is just the biggest defeat possible). I think some of her problems are my responsibility, but it seems she doesn't want to solve them.

[Everalei]

she obviously has some serious issues, and needs professional counseling. get her that counseling. after her head is screwed on a little tighter, see if she becomes again the woman you used to know. if not, then divorce her.

 

 

I've been trying to get her counseling, so has her father, but with no success. She simply doesn't want to bury he mother and grandmother. And I don't think I want to be with her anymore, because really I don't believe she'll ever overcome her issues, and they will always stay between us.

[Everalei]

I think she's deeply depressed. She was a depressed person who THEN got hit with the losses of her female family chain. That's devastating.

 

I think you're a basically kind guy who doesn't do confrontation or open communication well (work on that for ultimate happiness & contentment in the future) & you're a bit laid-back (That's ok. I like that so I'm bias). You got stuck in a bad situation but are a bit too apathetic to do anything bout it.

 

You then had the big guilt hit of her loosing so much & you couldn't put her through the pain of loosing you. That's wrong but not so bad to be honest. You're human. That's a lot of years. I'd argue that any nice person would have feelings for ANY person they spend that much time with.

 

If I'm correct in what I've said so far my advise is obvious.... Stop being completely 'You' for a while. Take a deep breath & be the bad guy!! You're not really the bad guy... No-one should resign themselves to a horrible life because they feel bad about hurting someone.

 

There are men who want your wife! There are men who like broken birds who are a bit melodramatic & needy. She will eventually be good.

 

She will hurl histrionics around. Keep a close eye to make sure she doesn't pull any dangerous cries for attention (Suicide attempts are the last thing you want on your conscious!). Be kind & take your time & be VERY honest. I know that's going to be hard but please!! Try not to be angry. Just honest.

 

Best of luck in your future life!

 

If you're rewriting history because you're falling in lust with another woman or having a randy midlife crisis STOP!!! You will wake-up one day & HATE yourself!

 

 

First, let me tell you I'm NOT seeing anyone else (one woman is problem enough). Yes, she's been depressed, and I failed to really see that before, and things only got worse through the years.

You're right, I've been a laid-back person, and I really blame myself for that, but now I've decided to take action.

You know, we got along in the beginning, but I always had the feeling that something was missing. Then I decided to look for that "missing something", and I think I've found it, which is just great. The problem is that it comes with some changes, and she just won't accept any changes (which will make ME happy), and I don't care whether she'll accept them or not.

[Everalei]

It seems to me that there was never love in the first place, so the marriage was doomed before it even began.

The best thing you can do for both of you is to leave, you are both depriving yourselfs of other relationships that can be fulfilling and living in misery for no reason.

 

Your wife is probably depressed and depression is a serious disease that should be addressed ASAP and in depressed people a life changing event like a divorce can trigger suicide, specially if she had previous atempts, so you have to make sure she has a good support network, talk to her family about it, to her friends, go to a therapist yourself to try to determine what the best way to break up is and what can be done to help her get the help she needs.

 

 

There was love in the beginning (or I thought there was), but we ended up in different paths.

As I said before, she's not getting along with her family (because her father decided to move on with his life, and she didn't), and she doesn't have many (if any) friends left (believe me: she doesn't think that having friends is that important. Because of the way she was raised, she learned that only family is important, and when you don't have that, you just accept that life is done and nothing else matters), so support is something she won't have so easily. About getting therapy, well, it may never happen.

[wed4ever]

Almost 100% of the time I'm in favor of saving the marriage. But, when you never started out on the right foot that really adds insult to injury. I feel for you buddy. Don't do anything brash, but this might be one of those instances where a divorce is best for both of you.

 

Keep in mind people are constantly changing throughout their lives. You are changing and she is changing. If you can harness your two worlds together and 'begin' to grow closer then it can work out in the long run.

 

Just one word of advice. Whatever you do. Make sure you don't get her pregnant. It will multiply all of your problems by 10 to the fiftieth power. I have a child, she wonderful and so is marriage but it's not for rocky relationships.

Edited September 17, 2015 by wed4ever

[Everalei]

Almost 100% of the time I'm in favor of saving the marriage. But, when you never started out on the right foot that really adds insult to injury. I feel for you buddy. Don't do anything brash, but this might be one of those instances where a divorce is best for both of you.

 

Keep in mind people are constantly changing throughout their lives. You are changing and she is changing. If you can harness your two worlds together and 'begin' to grow closer then it can work out in the long run.

 

Just one word of advice. Whatever you do. Make sure you don't get her pregnant. It will multiply all of your problems by 10 to the fiftieth power. I have a child, she wonderful and so is marriage but it's not for rocky relationships.

 

I undersand we're always changing, but we tend to only like the changes that are good for us, not for the person who changes. For exemple: a husband who doesn't like to help around the house decides to start helping his wife; the wife will be very happy for that change (since it'll be good for her). But, what if the husband is feeling completely unhappy and miserable with the job he has, then he quits and finds one that makes him feel very happy and proud, but it demands a lot of travelling? What will the wife think of it, since her husband will be a lot happier, but away from her half, if not most of, the time? Will she be happy too? I don't think so, because that change will be just amazing, but only for her husband. So, what should she do? Accept that change without any hard feelings, even knowing it'll be harmfull for her own personal happiness? Or will she convince her husband not to take that job, even knowing that she'll possibly be preventing him from being happy in the professional aspect of his life? Who should make the sacrifice?

[beanie66f]

I undersand we're always changing, but we tend to only like the changes that are good for us, not for the person who changes. For exemple: a husband who doesn't like to help around the house decides to start helping his wife; the wife will be very happy for that change (since it'll be good for her). But, what if the husband is feeling completely unhappy and miserable with the job he has, then he quits and finds one that makes him feel very happy and proud, but it demands a lot of travelling? What will the wife think of it, since her husband will be a lot happier, but away from her half, if not most of, the time? Will she be happy too? I don't think so, because that change will be just amazing, but only for her husband. So, what should she do? Accept that change without any hard feelings, even knowing it'll be harmfull for her own personal happiness? Or will she convince her husband not to take that job, even knowing that she'll possibly be preventing him from being happy in the professional aspect of his life? Who should make the sacrifice?

 

This is my current situation It is on another thread. If a husband choses traveling for a job over being with his family and wife then he has made a choice of a job over his marriage and family ( assuming the wife is okay with him making less or working on finding something else to find a job that allows him to be closer - there would need to be compromise).

 

What you are using as an example is a dramatic relationship change that impacts and affects not just one person but an entire family and the dynamics of that family. This type of job change is something everyone needs to agree with and be on board with. its not about "personal happiness", but more about family dynamics and impact to the family.

 

We are all in charge of our own happiness. But when you marry, TWO become ONE. Your choices impact your spouse. I think we need to make choices with our spouses in mind. If you put your spouse before yourself ..and your spouse puts YOU before themselves, you get an interesting dynamic in which you are working together for the good of each other.

 

I don't see this example regarding a job that requires travel and being away from a spouse as the same thing as someone that decides to take up a new hobby or sport or interest to feel happy and fulfilled. I could be too "close" to this particular example. LOL

 

But from everything you have shared,it just sounds like its time for you to move on. You sound like a person that probably shouldn't have married her in the beginning. But if you would have left it would have made you be like "the bad guy" for bailing on her. But you did invest a considerable amount of time with her. There really is no need to justify what happened in the past. You need to look forward. If you can't envision a future with her, which from what you described would be a lot of work on her behalf, and some additional patience on your part... then its time to make your peace and move on.

Edited September 19, 2015 by beanie66f