Unhappy with my wife

[Everalei]

I couldn't find a place I can afford yet. Man, rent prices are too high these days, so it seems I'll have to choose between paying the rent or buying food.

The problem is that I just don't like the idea of moving back with my mom, since I'm a 32-year-old man, not some 20-something guy that still feels and thinks like a teenager.

Also, I don't have any other place to stay not even for a while: my brother lives in another city, my sister lives in a very small house with her husband and son, and none of my friends has any room left in their houses. So, basically, I'm stuck. And it s*#s to know that I'm in this financial mess because of the house we built (which was made exactly the way she wanted).

The biggest problem is that we won't be able to sell the house any time soon, unless we sell it for a LOT less than what it's worth, because country is going through a financial crisis, and people just don't have the money to invest in a house or anything like that. Many of you may think, "hey, if you really want out, sell the house for any handful of bucks and leave!" Well, we could do that, but any of us would be able to buy another house: my house is worth at least 250 grand, but we wouldn't get more than 180G now, which would leave us with 90G each, and that wouldn't be enough to buy even the smallest house of the city (I know that because I've been looking for houses, and the cheapest (and s&%$y) one I found is 120G). Where would I get the other 30G? No bank would lend me that money, since I wouldn't have any guarantees, and if I spent the money on rent, soon I'd run out.

 

So everyone, let me give you some advice: choose wisely when you decide to get married, because it can be heaven or hell on earth, I can tell you that. Marry someone who you share interests and dreams with (as many as possible), because then you'll have things to share and talk about; marry someone who doesn't think that friends aren't important; marry someone who doesn't think that having fun is wrong; marry someone who wants more from life than just going to work and coming back home; marry someone who doesn't think you have the obligation of having sex with them just because you're married; marry someone who doesn't criticize all your ideas and dreams because they won't get you any money; marry someone who doesn't count on you, and solely on you, to make them happy; marry someone who doesn't hate your family because of their own stupid and shallow beliefs; marry someone who finds happiness in the small good things of everyday life; marry someone who thinks that it's important to have some time and space for themselves; marry someone who doesn't think you must do everything together; marry someone who doesn't want to have a long DTR everytime a problem comes up; and more importantly, marry someone who doesn't have unsolved psychological issues, because you may think they will get better, but in fact they won't, and you'll start the see the person as a burden.

[warshaw]

So everyone, let me give you some advice: choose wisely when you decide to get married, because it can be heaven or hell on earth, I can tell you that. Marry someone who you share interests and dreams with (as many as possible), because then you'll have things to share and talk about; marry someone who doesn't think that friends aren't important; marry someone who doesn't think that having fun is wrong; marry someone who wants more from life than just going to work and coming back home; marry someone who doesn't think you have the obligation of having sex with them just because you're married; marry someone who doesn't criticize all your ideas and dreams because they won't get you any money; marry someone who doesn't count on you, and solely on you, to make them happy; marry someone who doesn't hate your family because of their own stupid and shallow beliefs; marry someone who finds happiness in the small good things of everyday life; marry someone who thinks that it's important to have some time and space for themselves; marry someone who doesn't think you must do everything together; marry someone who doesn't want to have a long DTR everytime a problem comes up; and more importantly, marry someone who doesn't have unsolved psychological issues, because you may think they will get better, but in fact they won't, and you'll start the see the person as a burden.

 

In other words, don't get married.

 

Agreed.

[truncated]

I couldn't find a place I can afford yet. Man, rent prices are too high these days, so it seems I'll have to choose between paying the rent or buying food.

The problem is that I just don't like the idea of moving back with my mom, since I'm a 32-year-old man, not some 20-something guy that still feels and thinks like a teenager.

Also, I don't have any other place to stay not even for a while: my brother lives in another city, my sister lives in a very small house with her husband and son, and none of my friends has any room left in their houses. So, basically, I'm stuck. And it s*#s to know that I'm in this financial mess because of the house we built (which was made exactly the way she wanted).

The biggest problem is that we won't be able to sell the house any time soon, unless we sell it for a LOT less than what it's worth, because country is going through a financial crisis, and people just don't have the money to invest in a house or anything like that. Many of you may think, "hey, if you really want out, sell the house for any handful of bucks and leave!" Well, we could do that, but any of us would be able to buy another house: my house is worth at least 250 grand, but we wouldn't get more than 180G now, which would leave us with 90G each, and that wouldn't be enough to buy even the smallest house of the city (I know that because I've been looking for houses, and the cheapest (and s&%$y) one I found is 120G). Where would I get the other 30G? No bank would lend me that money, since I wouldn't have any guarantees, and if I spent the money on rent, soon I'd run out.

 

So everyone, let me give you some advice: choose wisely when you decide to get married, because it can be heaven or hell on earth, I can tell you that. Marry someone who you share interests and dreams with (as many as possible), because then you'll have things to share and talk about; marry someone who doesn't think that friends aren't important; marry someone who doesn't think that having fun is wrong; marry someone who wants more from life than just going to work and coming back home; marry someone who doesn't think you have the obligation of having sex with them just because you're married; marry someone who doesn't criticize all your ideas and dreams because they won't get you any money; marry someone who doesn't count on you, and solely on you, to make them happy; marry someone who doesn't hate your family because of their own stupid and shallow beliefs; marry someone who finds happiness in the small good things of everyday life; marry someone who thinks that it's important to have some time and space for themselves; marry someone who doesn't think you must do everything together; marry someone who doesn't want to have a long DTR everytime a problem comes up; and more importantly, marry someone who doesn't have unsolved psychological issues, because you may think they will get better, but in fact they won't, and you'll start the see the person as a burden.

 

Um, based on what you just wrote, I would also say don't marry someone who has attitudes like yours. I know that sounds rude, but hear me out.

 

You say you want to leave, but won't go unless it it under strict terms. don't like living with your wife anymore, then rent for a while until you are in a position to buy. It has to be your way or no way.

 

For all you criticize your wife about being rigid, you are the same way. You are angry with her and get in lots of little barbs because she doesn't feel the same way you do about things, but do you feel the same way she does? Do you insult her?

 

You have been great at foisting all of this discord on your wife, but I wonder what her story would be if we could hear it. I have a feeling it would be very different from yours, and somewhere between the two, would be the truth.

[ShatteredLady]

So....basically you're stuck where you are for a while. For your own sanity why not work like crazy to find some happiness or at least contentment in your life?

 

Thinking "She won't ever change!" & constantly focusing on all the negatives is just going to drive you crazy. I do understand why you feel miserable & trapped. You may be trapped but you don't have to be miserable! I know it's like a cliche but why not make a list of all the good things you can work on?

 

You're miserable in your life. Why not stop thinking about how your wife is making you feel like this & think about what YOU can do. To be honest it reads like you can only imagine happiness if you remove your W from the equation. That's basically like looking to another to make YOU happy. Know what I mean?

 

What do you want to be doing? How do you picture a happy life? (DON'T just say a life without your wife! That's a cop-out!) Start working on that. Explain very calmly what you want & what you want to change. If she just fights & won't join you in change just take the leap & do things....take her criticism & calmly explain again THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED.

 

Basically make the best of a bad situation & see what happens...

[Everalei]

Um, based on what you just wrote, I would also say don't marry someone who has attitudes like yours. I know that sounds rude, but hear me out.

 

You say you want to leave, but won't go unless it it under strict terms. don't like living with your wife anymore, then rent for a while until you are in a position to buy. It has to be your way or no way.

 

For all you criticize your wife about being rigid, you are the same way. You are angry with her and get in lots of little barbs because she doesn't feel the same way you do about things, but do you feel the same way she does? Do you insult her?

 

You have been great at foisting all of this discord on your wife, but I wonder what her story would be if we could hear it. I have a feeling it would be very different from yours, and somewhere between the two, would be the truth.

 

 

As I said before, I just DON'T have the money to pay for a rent now, and if I just spend the money I get from selling the house on rents, how the heck am I going to buy another one since the prices are so high?

And I don't expect her (never have) to feel the same way I do, because I understand that everyone is different. The problem is that she forces her beliefs and truths upon me (and everyone else), since she thinks she's always right. I don't think that's a respectful way to treat people. I've seen her arguing for hours about something she thought was right, when in fact it wasn't a matter of right or wrong, but a matter of liking (EG: I like yellow and red cars, while she prefers only the silver ones, and believe me, more than once she spent quite some time trying to convince me of how "wrong" I was for liking those colors over silver.

You know, I try not to create expectations about people in general (people are usually unpredictable). And, I don't insult her, or anyone else.

Also, I understand my share of blame on this situation, and that's why I want BOTH OF US to be happy. I don't hate her at all; she's a good and honest person with plenty of qualities, and she deserves to be just as happy as anyone else.

[Everalei]

In other words, don't get married.

 

Agreed.

 

 

I didn't mean that.

Just because I've screwed up my marriage, it doesn't mean people shouldn't get married. I prefer to believe that there are people who are actually happy after getting married, that respect each other's differences and try not to live each other's life, or turn the other person into someone else.

Now, after I get this over with I think I'll just take a break from relationships. I'll dedicate myself to my studies and my ENGO which have only brought me happiness so far.

Maybe someday I'll find someone who shares interests and dreams with me. Meanwhile, there are just so many things and projects I still want to accomplish, so I won't waste my time anymore.

[Everalei]

So....basically you're stuck where you are for a while. For your own sanity why not work like crazy to find some happiness or at least contentment in your life?

 

Thinking "She won't ever change!" & constantly focusing on all the negatives is just going to drive you crazy. I do understand why you feel miserable & trapped. You may be trapped but you don't have to be miserable! I know it's like a cliche but why not make a list of all the good things you can work on?

 

You're miserable in your life. Why not stop thinking about how your wife is making you feel like this & think about what YOU can do. To be honest it reads like you can only imagine happiness if you remove your W from the equation. That's basically like looking to another to make YOU happy. Know what I mean?

 

What do you want to be doing? How do you picture a happy life? (DON'T just say a life without your wife! That's a cop-out!) Start working on that. Explain very calmly what you want & what you want to change. If she just fights & won't join you in change just take the leap & do things....take her criticism & calmly explain again THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED.

 

Basically make the best of a bad situation & see what happens...

 

Thank you very much for your understanding.

 

I don't keep thinking "She won't ever change!", because she told me that that's the way she is and that she DOESN'T want to change; second, I don't want her (or anyone else) to change so much, because:

 

1. I don't believe anyone can change like that, and even if they could, it would require a LOT of time and effort and patience and a bunch of other "godly" characteristics;

2. If someone could change like that, then they would become someone else, and I really don't believe anyone would ever accept to go through the cavalry of becoming someone else (I certainly wouldn't at all), since you wouldn't feel accepted loved, not even by yourself;

3. If I wanted someone else, it would be easier and better for both of us to find someone else.

4. It's just not fair to marry someone and then tell that person to change so much or else you're leaving (I don't want that for me, so I don't want that for anyone else either).

 

I picture a happy life in a way she just doesn't agree. That's the point: I don't think she's wrong, or that I'm wrong. We just want completely different things from life. It's like a monkey married to a sea turtle: the monkey wants (and needs) to live on the trees, and the sea turtle wants (and needs) the sea. The monkey doesn't want to live in the sea, and the sea turtle doesn't want to live on the trees. They both want to be where they belong.

[sandylee1]

Sometimes people change in a marriage, so although you were once compatible you grow apart. What I find at times is that things that are important to me now , didn't seem important many years ago.

 

If I made a list of qualities I wanted in a husband today and compared it to 20 years ago it would be quite different.

Perhaps my H would say the same as well, because there are things I dislike about myself and I'm sure he dislikes those things too.

 

So what I'm saying is....even if you were compatible to begin with, doesn't mean you would be compatible years down the line. Although I can't argue that common interests and values are a very good start. As well as similar family backgrounds, that is something I keep telling my kids , because my husbands family ARE SO different to mine. Of course I prefer my family dynamic and believe most people would.

 

Try and live a peaceful in house seperation and see if the house prices increase in time. As long as you don't hate each other, it's doable.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Sounds like its time to re-evaluate whether one of the things you want out of life is to be self-sufficient. It's problematuc if your current lifestyle does not afford you the ability to pay rent at 32 years old. Is that one of the aspects you disagree on- how much you earn? Because your wife might have a point, imo.

 

You say you cant afford to divorce right now- when do you see that changing? To me it sounds like youre willing to stay married for the financial support, without being invested in the marriage. Thats not very fair to your wife.

[OldRover]

Thank you very much for your understanding.

 

I don't keep thinking "She won't ever change!", because she told me that that's the way she is and that she DOESN'T want to change; second, I don't want her (or anyone else) to change so much, because:

 

1. I don't believe anyone can change like that, and even if they could, it would require a LOT of time and effort and patience and a bunch of other "godly" characteristics;

2. If someone could change like that, then they would become someone else, and I really don't believe anyone would ever accept to go through the cavalry of becoming someone else (I certainly wouldn't at all), since you wouldn't feel accepted loved, not even by yourself;

3. If I wanted someone else, it would be easier and better for both of us to find someone else.

4. It's just not fair to marry someone and then tell that person to change so much or else you're leaving (I don't want that for me, so I don't want that for anyone else either).

 

I picture a happy life in a way she just doesn't agree. That's the point: I don't think she's wrong, or that I'm wrong. We just want completely different things from life. It's like a monkey married to a sea turtle: the monkey wants (and needs) to live on the trees, and the sea turtle wants (and needs) the sea. The monkey doesn't want to live in the sea, and the sea turtle doesn't want to live on the trees. They both want to be where they belong.

 

Have you even though about counseling? And, yes, both of you can change, and it might be worth a try... way better than what you said your options are (can't afford rent). If she's in the same financial boat, she would have trouble with being on her own, too.

 

Sounds like you have something to work for. A nice home, comfortable. Do you both have good jobs, and reasonable income? If so, finances should not be a problem.

 

You can learn to be happy, as she can. And if you can't be happy together all the time, I'll bet there's LOTS that the both of you can be happy with. Worth a try.

 

How does she feel about you? Does she love you and want to stay in the marriage? Can you do fun things together? Sex ok?

 

Perhaps some self evaluation on both of you could solve a ton of problems.

 

And, then if it doesn't work, you could perhaps have an agreement to live together separated, but you'd probably need more strict boundaries.

 

Food for thought.

[Everalei]

Sounds like its time to re-evaluate whether one of the things you want out of life is to be self-sufficient. It's problematuc if your current lifestyle does not afford you the ability to pay rent at 32 years old. Is that one of the aspects you disagree on- how much you earn? Because your wife might have a point, imo.

 

You say you cant afford to divorce right now- when do you see that changing? To me it sounds like youre willing to stay married for the financial support, without being invested in the marriage. Thats not very fair to your wife.

 

 

I can't pay a rent because I've got some loans to build the house, and they are deducted from my salary (they eat up 70% of it), and not because of what I earn (which is not a lot, but it would be just fine if I had it all for me, not for the house). Ans she's just started a new job, after a year unemployed, so we have some bills to be paid (all about the house).

And yes, it's not fair to my wife, nor it is for me.

[Everalei]

Have you even though about counseling? And, yes, both of you can change, and it might be worth a try... way better than what you said your options are (can't afford rent). If she's in the same financial boat, she would have trouble with being on her own, too.

 

Sounds like you have something to work for. A nice home, comfortable. Do you both have good jobs, and reasonable income? If so, finances should not be a problem.

 

You can learn to be happy, as she can. And if you can't be happy together all the time, I'll bet there's LOTS that the both of you can be happy with. Worth a try.

 

How does she feel about you? Does she love you and want to stay in the marriage? Can you do fun things together? Sex ok?

 

Perhaps some self evaluation on both of you could solve a ton of problems.

 

And, then if it doesn't work, you could perhaps have an agreement to live together separated, but you'd probably need more strict boundaries.

 

Food for thought.

 

 

1. She's not even interested in seeking professional help for herself (once she said she needed, but that was all), and I've raised te topic once, although now we don't have the money to pay for it, even if she agreed.

2. No, we don't have good jobs (I had until March, but now...), and she's about to finish college and has just started a new job (which pays very reasonably). And I don't love this house (it's not like I imagined at all, since she decided it would all be the way se wanted, without any interference).

3. As I've said, she thinks we're supposed to do everything together, but I don't. I grew up without brothers and sisters: my brother was 13 and my sister was 17 when I was born, and they didn't really enjoy playing with me, so I played alone, and that made me learn that you can make LOTS of fun things on your own.

4. She says she loves me, but I really think that she's just afraid of being alone. We rarely do anything fun together, and sex... well, lets just say I've lost interest in sex quite a while ago. I find it very hard to desire someone who criticizes you so much, and who's always picking fights for small things. Plus after her mother died, she stopped taking care of her appearance as she used to. It may sound harsh, but I do care about looks as well, and I take care of mine (really), because I understand I'm the only one she can have sex with, so I feel I should try my best to look great for her, and I think she should do the same (I don't expect her to look like a model or anything, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't hurt AT ALL if she started to work out a few times a week; she would feel better and prettier and full of energy, and she would finally have something else to do instead of taking care of my life).

 

You seem to be such a lovely person, who's probably found someone you love and who loves you back. Thank you for your wise words.

[Chakruna]

the only things we have in common is that we're both human beings and honest.

Ay patron, I am not too sure about that second one! Time to start to be honest.

[OldRover]

1. She's not even interested in seeking professional help for herself (once she said she needed, but that was all), and I've raised te topic once, although now we don't have the money to pay for it, even if she agreed.

2. No, we don't have good jobs (I had until March, but now...), and she's about to finish college and has just started a new job (which pays very reasonably). And I don't love this house (it's not like I imagined at all, since she decided it would all be the way se wanted, without any interference).

3. As I've said, she thinks we're supposed to do everything together, but I don't. I grew up without brothers and sisters: my brother was 13 and my sister was 17 when I was born, and they didn't really enjoy playing with me, so I played alone, and that made me learn that you can make LOTS of fun things on your own.

4. She says she loves me, but I really think that she's just afraid of being alone. We rarely do anything fun together, and sex... well, lets just say I've lost interest in sex quite a while ago. I find it very hard to desire someone who criticizes you so much, and who's always picking fights for small things. Plus after her mother died, she stopped taking care of her appearance as she used to. It may sound harsh, but I do care about looks as well, and I take care of mine (really), because I understand I'm the only one she can have sex with, so I feel I should try my best to look great for her, and I think she should do the same (I don't expect her to look like a model or anything, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't hurt AT ALL if she started to work out a few times a week; she would feel better and prettier and full of energy, and she would finally have something else to do instead of taking care of my life).

 

You seem to be such a lovely person, who's probably found someone you love and who loves you back. Thank you for your wise words.

 

If she REALLY loves you, she will make some concessions to keep you... you need to work on that to see if it would work.

 

It just seems like you've disconnected and act like neither one of you can. If you can get her attention to work on your relationship, you could probably make some headway. And of course you would have to work too.

 

Seems like you both have too much to loose.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Is she aware of your deep dissatisfaction? It's kind of hard to tell from your posts how honest you have actually been. You say she is opposed to counselling, but then also mention that youve only brought it up once. And other comments you have made indicate you may not be the best at communication. How did you end up with an expensive house you dont even like? Shes not the boss of you... you have a voice in the relationship as well. I am not sure you have learned how to use it.

 

If you communicate to her that you are on he brink of divorce, dont you think she would try counselling? I get the feeling that you dont think so, and a part of you is hoping she won't. But, I think you both have too much to lose.

[lucy_in_disguise]

The good news is, there really arent a lot of options here, so it should be easy to make a decision. You can stay and try to work on your marriage, which you seem bitterly disinterested in. Or you can bite the bullet and get an expensive divorce.

 

Neither option is ideal. It sounds like the divorce is barely affordable, but given your attitude about your marriage, personally, i am not sure its salvageable. Not because of how bad your issues appear, but because you seem to have no love for your wife or any desire to even be married. Right now, you are just 32- still in your dating prime, young enough to meet someone else and flhave a family if either of you desire. Dont burn up any more of your (and her) good years on a marriage you dont want to be in. I bet she is stronger than you think. Yes, it will hurt her, and she will act out, but you arent doing her any favors staying like this. And this will force her to change.

 

So, I would encourage you to make the divorce work. If rent is high in the area, one of you can rent out your half of the house. Or, try airbnb. That should help cover some expenses at your new place. If you current area is unaffordable, consider moving somewhere else, or having a roommate (or two). There are many options to keep your living expenses down... they may not appear ideal after you have been living the married lifestyle, with a double income and a builtin roommate for the last decade, but thats part of the downside of being single.

Edited September 22, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise

[Everalei]

If she REALLY loves you, she will make some concessions to keep you... you need to work on that to see if it would work.

 

It just seems like you've disconnected and act like neither one of you can. If you can get her attention to work on your relationship, you could probably make some headway. And of course you would have to work too.

 

Seems like you both have too much to loose.

 

 

She's asked me a few times what I wanted her to do to be a better wife, and I told her, only to hear her excuses for not doing that. Then I'd say "if you're just asking me so you can give me your excuses, don't bother asking anymore, because I believe that when a person asks such things, they should be willing to make changes, or am I wrong?"

I know I'd have to work (a lot) to salvage this marriage, but I have too many doubts, and we are way too different (in about everything). We're not friends, we don't share interests to talk about; I like to talk about movies, series, music, games, technology, computers, science, nature, politics, news, curiosities... and she just doesn't like any of those topics. Believe me: living with someone who doesn't have things to talk about but work and money just s*#s (not that I think she should like the same things I like, but it would help to maintain a half decent relationship). It's amazing that, in 2015, any person can spend days without watching or reading any news, and still believe is for the best, since there's nothing that interests her. And I'd rather be deaf-mute than spend more than some minutes talking about work and money.

It's sad that I have to go to a friend's house (and face the consequences of such an abominable act as visiting your best friend who you've known for over 14 years) when I want to talk and unwind. And no matter what I say, she will say that she doesn't have the obligation of liking anything just because I do (I agree, since I feel exactly the same way), and I really don't want to force her to do anything, because I strongly believe that we're supposed to respect and love people for what they are, not for what WE want them to be.

[Everalei]

Is she aware of your deep dissatisfaction? It's kind of hard to tell from your posts how honest you have actually been. You say she is opposed to counselling, but then also mention that youve only brought it up once. And other comments you have made indicate you may not be the best at communication. How did you end up with an expensive house you dont even like? Shes not the boss of you... you have a voice in the relationship as well. I am not sure you have learned how to use it.

 

If you communicate to her that you are on he brink of divorce, dont you think she would try counselling? I get the feeling that you dont think so, and a part of you is hoping she won't. But, I think you both have too much to lose.

 

 

Yes, I've falied terribly at communicating, and you must be kidding for saying that I have a voice in this relationship (another, if not the biggest, failure of mine). I've tried to have a voice in the relationship lately, but she's used to the opposite, so she's had a real hard time adjusting to that (which is completely understandable), but I wish I didn't have to fight for the simplest things I want, as if I were living with an enemy (judge me all you want, but it's just the way I feel). I've even had health problems over this (I've had a headache for over two weeks, which has never happened in my whole life).

I don't hope, or expect, she'll accept trying counselling, because she doesn't believe that it will help (she even mocks about people going to psychologists, therapists and stuff).

Also, how would counselling help us? Would it convince both of us to become the person the other wants? I don't want to be someone else, neither does she. Would it change the things we like and dislike, so we'd become more compatible? Would it change the way we think of and see things? Would it convince me to accept a life of just going to work and coming back home? Would it convince her to start liking games and science?

[Everalei]

The good news is, there really arent a lot of options here, so it should be easy to make a decision. You can stay and try to work on your marriage, which you seem bitterly disinterested in. Or you can bite the bullet and get an expensive divorce.

 

Neither option is ideal. It sounds like the divorce is barely affordable, but given your attitude about your marriage, personally, i am not sure its salvageable. Not because of how bad your issues appear, but because you seem to have no love for your wife or any desire to even be married. Right now, you are just 32- still in your dating prime, young enough to meet someone else and flhave a family if either of you desire. Dont burn up any more of your (and her) good years on a marriage you dont want to be in. I bet she is stronger than you think. Yes, it will hurt her, and she will act out, but you arent doing her any favors staying like this. And this will force her to change.

 

So, I would encourage you to make the divorce work. If rent is high in the area, one of you can rent out your half of the house. Or, try airbnb. That should help cover some expenses at your new place. If you current area is unaffordable, consider moving somewhere else, or having a roommate (or two). There are many options to keep your living expenses down... they may not appear ideal after you have been living the married lifestyle, with a double income and a builtin roommate for the last decade, but thats part of the downside of being single.

 

 

Well, after so much arguing and fighting, I think I've lost interest. I just don't want to fight anymore. That's not a good way to live. I want to think of my home as a place where I find peace when I'm stressed, not where I find stress when I'm in peace.

About getting a roommate, let me explain that I live in Brazil, where such thing is way too rare, and to make things worse I live in a small city, so airbnb just doesn't exist around here. And, we haven't had a double income for quite a while (actually, I had two jobs until some time ago, so you can say it was a double income).

Also, I don't see many downsides of being single after analizing what's been going on lately: I've worked a lot and paid most of the bills (which has left me penniless), and I've done over half of the housework (last saturday I did it from 8 am to 7 pm, since there was a lot to do - believe me).

[Everalei]

Ay patron, I am not too sure about that second one! Time to start to be honest.

 

 

I mean "honest" for not doing dishonest things to get money, not for keeping things inside.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think it's interesting that you are focusing so much on you and your wife's didferences in preferences, when from my perspective, the biggest issue is a different type of communication- you being able to assert yourself, and her being able to listen.

 

Why did you spend 8 hours cleaning over the weekend, if you are clearly bitter about it? I think thats just one example of you being unable to assert yourself.

 

A lot of couples are "completely different," with seemingly nothing in common, and find that working for them. Dont get me wrong- i would not want that for myself- but I dont think it is the death kiss you seem to think. My parents have nothing in common in terms of interests, and have managed to stay happily married for 35+ years. The key is mutual respect and strong communication- two ingredients missing from your relationship. I believe even if you had all the same interests, without that, you would still be just as miserable.

 

Counselling can help by forcing you to communicate- and further down the line, teaching you how to do it on your own. You sound verY frustrated that your wife does not seem to understand how miserable you are, or appreciate the sacrifices you make. The issue is likely with both of you- you having a hard time communicating to her, and her having a hard time listening. Speaking of which, listening is also a skill that can be learned.

 

My overall impression is that you have tried to improve your marriage, but have not been able to communicate your needs to your wife in a way that has registered. Maybe you have begun the conversation, but her excuses (a natural reaction for some personality types) exhauted you before any conclusion was reached. A good counsellor will be able to direct the conversation so your wife can "hear" you, without excuses. Initially, he increased communication will probably lead to more fights, but eventually, to greater undersanding. And if not- at least you tried.

 

Can you phrase the counselling request as an ultimatum? To avoid yoir point getting lost in dramatics or excuses, i would write her a letter. Reiterate that you care about her and want this marriage to work, but you believe it needs intervention. Dont make it counselling an option- firmly let her know you are asking this of her as her husband, and if she is not able to do this for your marriage, you will have to consider separation.

[autumnnight]

You never loved her. You married her out of pity, which is just about the ultimate slap in the face, so don't think that makes you a hero.

 

Set this poor woman free to find a man who loves her.

[Everalei]

I think it's interesting that you are focusing so much on you and your wife's didferences in preferences, when from my perspective, the biggest issue is a different type of communication- you being able to assert yourself, and her being able to listen.

 

Why did you spend 8 hours cleaning over the weekend, if you are clearly bitter about it? I think thats just one example of you being unable to assert yourself.

 

A lot of couples are "completely different," with seemingly nothing in common, and find that working for them. Dont get me wrong- i would not want that for myself- but I dont think it is the death kiss you seem to think. My parents have nothing in common in terms of interests, and have managed to stay happily married for 35+ years. The key is mutual respect and strong communication- two ingredients missing from your relationship. I believe even if you had all the same interests, without that, you would still be just as miserable.

 

Counselling can help by forcing you to communicate- and further down the line, teaching you how to do it on your own. You sound verY frustrated that your wife does not seem to understand how miserable you are, or appreciate the sacrifices you make. The issue is likely with both of you- you having a hard time communicating to her, and her having a hard time listening. Speaking of which, listening is also a skill that can be learned.

 

My overall impression is that you have tried to improve your marriage, but have not been able to communicate your needs to your wife in a way that has registered. Maybe you have begun the conversation, but her excuses (a natural reaction for some personality types) exhauted you before any conclusion was reached. A good counsellor will be able to direct the conversation so your wife can "hear" you, without excuses. Initially, he increased communication will probably lead to more fights, but eventually, to greater undersanding. And if not- at least you tried.

 

Can you phrase the counselling request as an ultimatum? To avoid yoir point getting lost in dramatics or excuses, i would write her a letter. Reiterate that you care about her and want this marriage to work, but you believe it needs intervention. Dont make it counselling an option- firmly let her know you are asking this of her as her husband, and if she is not able to do this for your marriage, you will have to consider separation.

 

 

I spent 8 hours cleaning not because I find it fun, but because I think it's not fair to let her do all the housework, and I don't have much time to do it during the week. I may have a lot of flaws, but I try my best to be a fair person with everyone.

I know that many couples are different, but usually husband and wife understand that and accept to see each other doing what they like (not our case, since everytime I want to do something I really like, and she doesn't, then hell breaks loose).

I can't say I've tried my real best to improve the marriage, but I've indeed tried to do nice things with her, since the only things we've done together is sleeping and going shopping. I really enjoy riding my bike (guess what? She doesn't), but she accepted to try, so we talked to a couple friends and started bike trailing on Sundays. It was just amazing, but soon she gave up, saying that she couldn't keep up with the rest of us. Well, she said she was going to start riding her bike during the week, so she'd be more prepared. I thought it was a wonderful idea, and I even offered to go with her. But... she's never done it. She's just too lazy, and always finds excuses. But I wanted to keep going with them, which then caused more fights, and I gave up.

The big problem is that she rarely wants to do anything. It's boring to be with a person that doesn't want to do anything, but also doesn't want YOU to do anything without her. What she usually does on her free time is lie on our bed, staring at the ceiling, just like her mother did. And she wants me to stay there with her. I can tell you I'd rather be cleaning a restroom in a bus station than doing that. I've always been an active person, who can't sit around doing nothing. There are plenty of things I enjoy doing, and I'd love to do them with her, but convincing her is a pain in the neck. I don't like to insist on anything with anyone. I just don't. I try twice, then I'm done. I feel like I'm insisting for the person to eat glass, not to watch a movie or to ride a bike.

As for counselling, I think I'll give it a last try, although I think it'd be much better if she went to the psychologist to take care of her issues first.

Anyway, I couldn't find a place I can afford yet, and I'm starting to think I won't, so there's nothing to lose.

[Everalei]

You never loved her. You married her out of pity, which is just about the ultimate slap in the face, so don't think that makes you a hero.

 

Set this poor woman free to find a man who loves her.

 

 

I'm no hero. I also don't like this situation.

I did love her once, but we grew apart.

I've tried to leave, but she always plays her "no one loves me, I want to die to be with my mom and grandma" scene.

I DO want her to be happy as much as I want myself, but it seems she doesn't.