crazylandlove Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I am writing because I need to get a bit of clarity. I have been engaged to my fiancé for about 6 months. I moved in with him - which required me to relocate and find a new job. Instead, I started my own business. When I first moved — my fiancé said he would take care of my bills until I found a job. Well, I obviously didn’t go without a paycheck because I got to work right away. He said he would add me to his bank/checking account because he wanted all the money in one place. My credit is bad from a previous divorce and his bank said my credit would not allow me on his account. Apparently he has many "perks". So, he gave me "user" access only. All my clients deposits go into this account. I have a atm card with a limit of 300 dollars. Mind you I'm making about 12k (gross) a month. However, he has given me a separate credit card to use for all my daily spending. He gets texts each time I use it and what the amount is for. I have learned that he is not setting aside money for taxes. He says it makes no sense to set that money aside when there is debt to pay that garners interest every month. So he's using my cash to pay off his debt. He said his debt is from my engagement ring and travels With me. When I suggested that I get my own business account, he got very angry with me. He said that I was showing signs of pulling away from him and not trusting him. I had also told him I made an appointment with my old accountant and he again was very angry. He said I need to go to HIS accountant. So, I agreed. We went and the guy told him that I need to have a business account and I need to get incorporated. My fiancé acted as if that is what HE wanted, too. When we left ... He said that we "will" do this. Meantime, over the weekend he decided to buy a new car. "My" car was actually in my ex husband's name. I agreed in the divorce to take over that car/lease payment. He had a good lease rate and my credit is so bad... I've just made the monthly payments. I have 20 months left. This infuriated my fiancé. He hated that the car was in my ex's name. So this weekend he took my car to the dealer... Turned in the lease. Said he would roll the balance of the lease into the "new" loan and he bought a new car. So, now he's turned in "my" car (ex husband's) ... Rolled the remaining lease debt into this "new" car which he is having me drive. Now... I'm feeling scared. We aren't married. I have zero cars in my name. My checks go to his account. And I have awful credit still AND I'm self employed. Even though I'm doing very well in my business...(fashion design) ... I feel very powerless. I went from a solid employer with 401k and health insurance ... To self employed ... Little access to my own money...and no health benefits. He says he will go down to the court and file for common law marriage to get me on his insurance... Until we can afford a "very nice" wedding. He wants to do this ... this week. But I researched it and common law is basically a REAL marriage! I have tried to talk to him about my financial fears. I've told him that I take pride in making a good living and handling my bills. He says that I'm just not trusting him and that my lack of trust... Is very worrying to him. He thinks it means I'm going to "bolt out" and leave him. He gets very angry with me when I even stop at the bank on my own. Here's the other part... I had my own checking account before we moved in together. I told him I closed it, but I secretly started putting some of my client checks in the account. (Small clients he didn't know about). I just needed to feel like I had a little stash "in case" something happened. OR I wanted something he didn't approve of. I only have 500 in there. Well yesterday he told me he saw that I wrote checks out of there. (Which means he must have gone through my purse). He asked me what I was buying for 29 dollars at Walmart that I didn't want him to see. I couldn't believe it! Bottom line, I love him. I see that his paranoia is rooted in insecurity. But, I feel like I have done everything I could to prove my loyalty. Am I the one who is wrong here? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I'd see a lawyer immediately to see if I could reclaim the money he has misappropriated. All deposits should be directed to N account under your sole control 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 You need to get out of that situation. There isn't enough love in the world to hand over your autonomy and become his child, getting his permission to spend your own money. Love does not equal control. Control = control; abuse dovetails into control. The fact that you have no say so over your own funds is alarming. To me, he can get mad and stay mad about where I'm putting that money---and if he'd rather manipulate me with BS reasons for taking my money, taking my car, going through my purse, etc., then I'd leave him and go re-establish my life. I think he is wrong for how he is proceeding and I think you're wrong to dismiss what he is doing just so you can say "I got a man". This isn't a good man--this is a controlling monster you're feeding. There is nothing that will prove your loyalty to such a one as this guy---possessing you and making you dependent upon him is the goal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clam Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Hmmmm.... This sounds exactly like a post on another forum, except that poster is married. Aside from that, every other detail is identical. What a strange coincidence. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Hmmmm.... This sounds exactly like a post on another forum, except that poster is married. Aside from that, every other detail is identical. What a strange coincidence. There was another thread a few months back saying the exact same thing, too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazylandlove Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 I believe that he would give me the money if I demanded it, but I am still trying to keep the relationship in tact. But, am I making a mistake? I am very nervous ... I secretly just called the lease holder and asked to have the car back. He paid off the lease ...but the car does not need to be returned until the lease is up! So, I think I'm going to park it in storage facility.. Just in case I ever need it. Because right now... If we broke up... He could say that I stole his car. He made sure not to put my name on the title with him. If we are married...(even common law) shouldn't my name be on the title too... Despite the loan only in his name? I am paying too! Link to post Share on other sites
clam Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 There was another thread a few months back saying the exact same thing, too. Surprise, surprise. *yawn* Furthermore, how could he turn in a car that is leased in someone else's name??? No dealership would accept the car without your ex-husband signing off. Signing off on the end of a lease is s big deal, no way he could just "trade it in." This is laughable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazylandlove Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 My ex gave me permission to do this in writing... So he used that power of attorney document and the dealership took it. That's the truth. 1000 percent. Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Your fiancé has a control problem. You're an adult. You can run a business. You do not need another person to control the money the business makes. It seems as if he's keeping you tightly in his grip so that you don't get away. Do you think this control problem will go away? It only gets worse with time. Set some boundaries and stick to them. Link to post Share on other sites
JADIE Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 No way on God's green earth would I let someone I'm married to have that much control over my finances & life, much less someone I'm NOT married to. There is something very wrong here and you need to draw some boundaries (my instinct would be to get the hell out, but that's me) and regain control over YOUR assets that you bring to the relationship. You aren't even married and this man is in complete and total control of your earnings and what you drive, sneaks into your purse to check up on you and monitors every cent you spend. He's "worried" that you don't trust him? Who the heck has trust issues here??? It sounds like he barely trusts you to wipe your own hiney correctly without his direction!! Something smells really bad here to me.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Money from your BUSINESS should go into a separate BUSINESS bank account. When you take a draw or a salary from the business then you put that in your personal account. First things first, get a BUSINESS account. Then figure out why you keep posting the same Q & getting the same answer. Nobody in any of these threads has advocated that you stay with him. So why are you still there & do you realize the quicksand is sucking you in deeper? BTW, your POA explanation about turning in the leased car makes no sense. The POA would have been from your EX to you, not your FI. What kind of asinine dealership takes a POA from somebody not named in it? Furthermore, how did you get the car back? Really it makes no sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Why on earth would you let a man do this to you? This is 2015 and you do not need such a controlling man. This will only get worse, if you don't put your foot down. Get your own account Speak to your OWN accountant by yourself. It's your business and you should make the decisions. You need to keep depositing money in your own account. Asking you about every penny you send???? Please please wake up and get out of this controlling relationship. He's using you and controlling you. You're not a child and he should stop treating you like one. Do you have family? Do they know what's going on? You need to seek help to get out of this. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueBlood Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I'm sorry OP, but this all reads like important info is being left out. O.o Business accounts and personal accounts shouldn't just be all mishmashed. How did he trade in a car that wasn't his? Thinking back on some things that were in my SO's name it was often a pain in the butt to consolidate assets, maybe that's changed though, I'm doubting it though. But that aside... Dang, woman. You have rights. This guy is acting like a deranged crappy wanna be Dom/Gor guy/lunatic. He doesn't raise red flags, he has a seventy six trombone parade complete with ponies and clowns all cloaked in red from top to tail! Lawyer up and get out of there! Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 You need to read up on what constitutes a common law marriage. Just go for the courthouse. Every step of the way, you've been advised what/what not to do, and ignored it. If you work from home, you may very well find yourself in shackles while your husband is at home. Has he gotten physically abusive yet? Please don't have any children with this man. Is this love? No. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Hmmmm.... This sounds exactly like a post on another forum, except that poster is married. Aside from that, every other detail is identical. What a strange coincidence. You must mean this one; same monthly income from being self-employed ($12k), same language ("perks" and not "benefits"), also a divorce that needs to be paid off... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/543439-money-control 3 Link to post Share on other sites
clam Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 You must mean this one; same monthly income from being self-employed ($12k), same language ("perks" and not "benefits"), also a divorce that needs to be paid off... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/543439-money-control Very good detective work! And it's on another marriage forum (which I shan't mention by name) except on that thread the OP is newly married, not engaged. What a fun ride all THREE of these threads have been... NOT! Link to post Share on other sites
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