One week and already having doubts- is he too intense?

[Lilith]

Hi i'd really appreciate your opinions on this situation, i'll try and keep it short :

 

I'm in my second year of university and have had a few boyfriends here, which my friends never really seemed to like. One such friend is a guy, a year older than me who i've known, along with the others, for 2years or so. We all hang out together all the time and they are great people. This particular guy always ended up kissing me when we drunk in the last few months or so; he used to be engaged but isn't anymore and has no feelings for his ex despite still living with her. A couple of weeks ago i told him we should stop kissing as we are friends, and yet later that week it happened again and he said:

 

"This not-kissing thing isn't really working is it, i think you should be with me"

 

The intense way he said it shocked me and i wasn't entirely sure what to do, but i like him a lot so i said yes, and we have now been a couple for a week. He has told me every day this week that he loves me. I mean, is that inappropriate? We have been friends for a long time but to be only together for a week and for him to constantly say, especially when he's had a drink, that he loves me and never wants to leave me, to me seems a bit strange. I said to him "no you don't it's been one week" (i don't mince words lol) and he was adamant that he does. He always wants to spend time with me and i already feel like i need space, but maybe i'm just a selfish person with my time. My other friends think he is acting weirdly and in fact, a couple warned me that he will probably end up hurting me as he's very huggy with his ex. He's stopped that already due to someone telling him it's not right, and i appreciate they have known each other for a very long time so i'm really fine with it. But seen as i'm the one who isn't in love with him, it might be him who gets hurt. To me "love" is something you say when you truly mean it and i doubt that he does. Do you think i should end it already because he's too full-on, or do you think he will calm it down when he gets over like, the 'having a girlfriend newness' thing? He said he'll do anything to make me happy and this, for a 20year old woman who is not entirely comfortable with major commitment, is freaking me out. Any advice would be helpful because i don't want anyone to get upset or ruin the friendship group. Also as a sidenote, he leaves uni this time around but says he is staying in the area to be near me. So he claims he's going to make a lifealtering decision to find a house and job up here, just to see his gf of one week. Can anyone else smell bull****? Or am i too cynical?

 

Thanks guys, hope i didn't bore you too much!

[LucreziaBorgia]

He's got some artificial 'wishful thinking' version of you he's infatuated with I think: one who magically takes up the slack in every single on of the areas where he was unhappy with his ex. He isn't telling you that he loves you, he is saying that to this highly idealized version of you that probably doesn't exist. This "friendship" you had with him wasn't friends. It was unresolved emotional issues posing as friendship as an excuse to be with someone else and get away with it. My advice? Run. RUN. Force him into 'no contact' under threat of a restraining order.

[Marshbear]

He seems to intense and needy so early in the relationship. I would back off with him and see how he reacts. If he becomes obsessed with you and constantly calls and hangs around you need to take the situation in hand and tell him to leave you alone. He has some emotional problems that he needs to work out by himself. It's to bad he was a friend but realize that if he is a friend he will do as you say.

[moimeme]

First off, I'd avoid someone who drinks that much. Secondly, you are not wrong in thinking he's way over the top - particularly if he's changing his whole life for you. It's entirely possible that he was hiding these feelings for you all along since you've known each other for a couple of years. Just because you've only called yourselves gf and bf for a couple of weeks doesn't negate the fact he's known you for a while now so it's not totally wierd that he's fallen for you. Nonetheless, he needs to slow down when you ask him to. If he doesn't, it's not a good sign at all.

[Mary3]

I agree with the other posters however have you stopped to consider this : He has known you two years and it could be quite possible that he fell in love with you somewhere back there.....maybe during their fights...not sure. Not love by most standards but its love to him....yikes...

 

But the drinking part makes me leery....I honestly would not get too involved with someone like that. I am sure he wont let go easily. Please keep us posted incase he is getting *psycho clingy stalker.*....you know...Restraining Order Material ...!

[RecordProducer]

Well he seems passionate and affectionate. I disagree that it's too early to say "I love you" as you were friends before and kissed and flirted so he knows you pretty well. Some people are not too cautious. It's just that you're not in love with him and you're bothered by his behavior. You should let him know how you feel so that he doesn't make any life-altering decisions cuz of you. I don't see why you would stay in a relationship with a guy you're not in love with. You'll hurt him more if you break up later than sooner. But what if you fall in love with him later?

[Lilith]

Thanks for all your replies it's really put this into perspective and i agree with all of you in different ways. He's still being really clingy and has planned out my entire week for me, but i'm just going to tell him i want time to myself to revise for my exams and see other friends. My best girl mate told me she's not trying to cause problems but every time she tries to talk to me he's all over me and it makes her feel uncomfortable, and i don't want that because she's cool. There's a time and a place. I definately think he is over his ex and she really tried to cause some problems this week and i said to him i can't be bothered with any of this it's too much like hard work, so of course he got all clingy and weird. He got drunk, and sat on my doorstep until 4am despite me being in bed, so now my housemates think he is weird. Not a good start lol. I'm going to see how it goes and make him aware of the fact we won't be seeing each other every day; if he still won't give me space i'll tell him it's not really going to work out. I know he's liked me for a while but with him being used to living with a partner and seeing her every day and night, i can appreciate after 4years it's hard for him to stop it and lose that frame of mind. He's a bit older than me as well so maybe we want different things, i'll just see how things go and keep you posted. Thanks guys you've been a great help in sorting my brain xx

[leeroy1985]

Originally posted by Lilith

Do you think i should end it already because he's too full-on

 

Im in his kind of position..... ive known this girl for a year and we were kissing and stuff a couple of months ago (even thought she had a boyfriend) and now shes single we are a couple and she told me (and i told her) that she loved me before we were a couple and i didnt find it weird and nor did she. I did like her when i first met her but its only as shes got to know me more she says shes fell for me!

 

Anyway, to the point. To finsih it after saying yes and now he loves you would kill him. I know id be gutted if my girl said that to me. Give him a chance.... after all if we could control our feelings life would be easier, but we cant..... it just happens.

 

Id say give it a go, you might grow to love him or he might realise that he doesnt love you as much as he thinks he does... if at all!

 

Good luck with that.

 

PS. What happened to being glad that someone loves you anyway? all my girlfriends mates think it is really sweet and she loves it when i tell her i love her!

[Mary3]

He sounds very controlling. This is a sign of insecurity. He is also doing some bizare behaviors like sitting in your doorway til 4 am. He is trying to control your day , planning your week with him in advance. Its like he is saying : Let me plan your every minute so I can be sure I am by your side and know what you are doing " This is creepy. Its great when there is mutual glee and both want to spend quality time with one another but what is also equally important is that you each have your own lives and interests. If him saying " Wow I want to plan your week " makes you queasy, then pay attention to your instincts.

 

If you like him as a friend and dont want to lose that , then you must instill boundaries. If you dont like him that much at all anymore, and if hes bugging you and you want to hang with your other friends , then I think you know the answer to the rest of the problem. YOU control your life , your friends , NOT him.

 

If you were both totally in love , then of course there are going to be plans and experiences shared together but if he is just creeping you out , then I would start putting some distance from him slowly. If he really starts getting more creepy, then I would document it and get some help.