Getting back together? Good idea or bad?

[LoveStinks8]

Hey again everyone, sure seems like my family is having some struggles with love lately. This time I'm here to ask for opinions/advice about my brother.

 

My brother dated this girl for two and a half years. They got a house together and fought sometimes but seemed relatively happy. A while back he realized that they have very little in common, rarely do things together, and ultimately want different things in life. She wanted children very very much when they got together, he has absolutely zero interest in having children. They have different hobbies as well and do most things as a courtesy to the other.

 

They broke up a few months ago due to their lack of things in common and also an issue with her going out late at night to grab a coffee with an ex. He broke up with her and was entirely adamant about staying separated from her.

 

She begged, threatened, threw herself at him, etc. She did just about everything she could to get him back. He started a rebound relationship with another girl and seemed to be extremely happy with her. I, having just dated someone recently separated, know that there are unresolved feelings there that make a rebound relationship unlikely to succeed. The whole time his ex constantly begged him, pleaded, yelled, called him down, threatened him, the whole way from one end of the spectrum to another. He told me that he wanted it to end but that he still cared about her and was sorry that he'd hurt her.

 

He kept this up to the point of taking her key to the house back, putting her thing out on the lawn, telling her to leave him alone, etc. She went through his garbage after finding out that his rebound girl had been spending time there. She also trashed the house, took everything, left pictures of them together on the bed... it was rather crazy in my opinion.

 

So he seems happy with this rebound girl, talks about how he's not ready to get in a new relationship (he never officially dated her), but that he's enjoying his time with her and wishes his ex would just leave him alone to be happy.

 

Then all of a sudden he calls me the other day after me not seeing him for a week. He's left this rebound girl and is considering going back to his ex. I am floored, after how happy he said he was about being away from her, how it was best for both of them, nothing led me to believe he'd go back.

 

He wants my support but I don't know that this is the right thing for him to do. He admits to me that he's fallen in love with his rebound but feels as though he is obligated to give things another shot with his ex because they were together for two years. He tells me that it messed him up how she spent literally months begging him to come back to her every single day even though he didn't want to come back. He says he is so confused at what to do because she didn't give up and he thinks that means she really loves him.

 

Coming from a woman's point of view, and knowing that women have egos too, I feel like she wants something more so than loves him. She said some incredibly nasty things to him while they were separated that I know hurt him deeply, she acted rather crazy, and I'm feeling like she simply wants what she couldn't have so that the other girl doesn't "win" him.

 

I want other people's opinions on this. If she had laid low and tried to contact him once in a while I'd feel like she really loved him... but she contacted him every day with a different angle and he even openly told me that he's unsure and that she "wore him down." I'm not saying his rebound relationship would have worked out, but I know that he was much happier with her than I saw him with his ex in a long time, maybe ever.

 

What do you all think? I've tried talking to him and it doesn't seem like I'm going to be able to convince him that it's a terrible idea. I personally think that he's going back because it's easier emotionally to submit and try again than it is to go through the pain to separate, but I think that it is going to last for a very short time and then he is going to be just as devastated again as he was a few months ago when this all started. They're in the early stages of "talking" right now but he told me that they're already fighting almost constantly... if a make-up was going to work shouldn't they at least be falling into the honeymoon phase again right now and not wanting to tear each other apart..?!

 

Am I wrong? And if I'm not, is there anything I can do to try to prevent this from happening? I know it isn't really my place but I really do not want to see my brother hurting anymore...

[basil67]

It's really tough when those we care about make stupid decisions which we know could hurt them. Thing is though, we can't influence another person's decision unless they WANT our influence.

 

Given that he seems to have made up his mind, you've really got only two choices here:

 

1. tell him that you cannot support him going back to her but that you're available to him if he needs your emotional support

 

or

 

2. tell him that you cannot support him going back to her and that you really don't want to hear about all the upcoming drama which his decision will bring upon his life.

 

Sometimes being cruel to be kind is the only way.

[LoveStinks8]

A big part of me wants to tell him to leave me out of it, but my heart wants to support him. However at the same time I want to support him I want to kick him in the head (lol). He works in the same building as his rebound girl and when I visit I see him look at her with a sparkle of love in his eyes that I've never seen in him before and that makes me even more sad that he is, for whatever reason, going back to his ex. He's also told me that his ex is extremely unhappy about his rebound's continued presence in his life and causes hell about it at least once a day. I know he's going to lose any chance with his rebound girl if he does go back to his ex and it tears me apart. I guess I don't have any choice but to sit back and watch it unfold... I just can't help but question if I'm the one in the wrong and that maybe his ex really does love him. I just truly, truly feel like he shouldn't be back with his ex when someone else make him so much happier. Yes, I get that it was two years and very serious, but I don't see them happy in the long run... -sigh-

[Maggie4]

You are wrong, imo. Whenever a friend or relative breaks up or complains about a bf/gf, never join in the criticism, because before you know it, they are back together, and they remember what you said.

You get your info from your brother, he has emotions, he says things at the spur of the moment, anger, he has an image to keep. But now he wants to get back with her, and probably has wanted to for sometime but didn't know what others will think.

You have to let him do this, and not bringing up negative events from the past. Otherwise, years later he'll think you stood in his way, and he'll never know what could have been.