CoWorker ROmance (Hes engaged!)

[Hollybsoaddictive]

Me and my coworker have been having this flirting thing going on...he thinks Im attractive and me likewise... We talk to eachother about our problems and from what I get from him , His Fiance and him are in real trouble. Theyve been together for 5 years and cant really see eye to eye on anything (From what he tells me)... Me being the caring understanding advice giving soul that I am, is trying to help him through this difficult time emotionally, but we are growing feeling for eachother and we have discussed this... We kissed the other day and I feel good about it in a way, but on the other hand I dont want to become the other woman. WHat Im asking here is should I tell him that this cannot go on or should I tell him what I want (Him) and see what happens... This has never happened to me before.... Help! =o)

[reservoirdog1]

My bet is, if you tell him you want him and "see what happens", he'll sleep with you, still marry his fiancee, and voila -- you're the other woman. Exactly what you say you don't want to be.

 

You sound like you actually want to be with him. I suggest you tell him that things cannot continue between the two of you as long as he's engaged or married, for the exact reason you posted. That puts him to a choice: continue with his engagement and marriage and not be with you at all, or call it off and be with you honestly. Whichever he chooses, you'll pretty much have a clean conscience.

 

It doesn't sound like things have gone very far. Now is the time to take action before they do.

[bluelagoon]

I was in a VERY similar situation as you. When I met my co-worker, he was engaged to his girlfriend of 9 years. We started out as friends but the attraction grew and grew until EVERYBODY in our office noticed. We never ever crossed the line or even came close but the emotional connection was definitely there, as he would talk to me about the problems he was having with his girlfriend (how they were so different and couldn't see eye to eye on anything - sound familiar?). I definitely tried to be the neutral advisor, helping him anyway I could, but ultimately, we fell for each other even though we never discussed it. Anyway, he ended up breaking up with his girlfriend and confessing his feelings for me 1 week after, saying the sweetest things any man has ever said to me.

 

We dated for about 2 months but problems came up way before then when I sensed that he was never really over his girlfriend always had doubts about whether he made the right decision. Guess what happened next? He went crawling right back to her. I was very understanding of the situation and we had numerous talks about how complicated things were. Even though we are still friends now and neither of us regret what happened, it caused a lot of emotional pain for me - made me feel used and like I was not good enough.

 

What this all comes down to is that you should be very careful. Many men (and women) who have had long terms partners get bored. When they enter this stage of the relationship, they will fall for the first person they come across whom they feel a connection with. After experiencing something new and exciting for a while, reality will start to hit and it's only then that they'll start to realize what they really want - they may want you or they may realize they really love their girlfriend and can't give them up. At this stage, he is really confused about his relationship and you're only adding to the confusion.

 

He needs to be able to decide whether he wants to be with his girlfriend or not REGARDLESS of any influence from you. Therefore, I would tell him that things cannot go on like this because you do not want to be a factor in the outcome of their relationship. He needs to have time to clearly think about what he wants. Otherwise, things will get very very messy in the future and trust me, YOU will be the one who gets hurt the most - just like I was.

[ciela]

hey - i was also in a very similar situation a few years ago.

A cute guy came to work in our group, and from day 1, there was a little sexual tension between me and him - however, he had a serious girlfriend. We worked together closely, and often worked weekends, and night-shifts. I'm happy to say, we both controlled our attraction to eachother though, even during the night-shift hours. There was unbelievable attraction though, and we flirted, but we didn't lay our hand on each-other - I knew he had a girl, and he knew he loved her. A few months later, they got engaged...but the flirting continued.

We went away on business trips together..the temptation was pretty damn strong...but we still held our ground.

Then...one night, all our coworkers went out dancing - (we were a pretty tight knit group..i'm sure the others knew we had a thing for eachother, but no-one really brought it up.....they were pretty respectful) - things got heated up, we all had so much to drink. His fiance didn't make it out that night - she had gone out w/ her coworkers instead.

So...we drank a lot...and me and him were dancing.....and next thing we knew, we were kissing.

 

Then..our coworkers realized what was going on..and separated us. I was kinda embarassed...but i was pretty drunk. Our coworkers took as back to our houses...and we slept it off. Come Monday......I talked to him about what happened...and we both agreed that yes...we are both attracted to eachother, we've never talked about it before....but this cannot go on, esp since he was getting married in a couple weeks!

We agreed that we'd be more careful..and we were. I mean...the attraction didn't really go away, but it lessened, especially since I started dating someone a few months afterwards.

 

But....in retrospect...i'm SOO happy we didn't act on our impulses (except when we were drunk that one time....but that was an exception...stupid mistake..)...b/c I would've felt really bad if I was the 'other woman'!! i deserve better than that....and so do you.

 

So..just be careful. I mean...i my case, this guy didn't have problems w/ his girlfriend...so i guess thats the difference....but either way....in your case, if he has serious problems w/ his girlfriend that are beyond fixable, then he should just break up w/ her, so that you are not the 'other woman'.

 

good luck!!