Is peace with your past necessary in order to move on?

[freebird31]

Do you think that you need peace with your past in order to move on?

 

Sometimes I feel like I just need peace with my ex and an understanding of the situation in order to move on. And when i mean move on, i mean get serious with someone else. I just feel like there was no peace between us and he left so many things unsaid by ignoring my letter to him. It is just so frustrating because all i would like is a mature talk between the two of us, about why he said some of the things he said, and did, and then just come to an understanding and a true forgiveness of the situation.

 

Perhaps i just THINK that a peace and understanding with the situation will make me feel better and push me to move on. I just feel like I have this emotional scar, and its unsettling. I am fine now, but as soon as I start to date someone new, I always just freak out and put my walls up. And all the bad emotions come back when i try to get intimate with someone new. Dating new people triggers bad emotions for some reason.

 

Maybe I have just not met the right person? I dont know. Maybe its not the right time? It has been over 2 years since my ex an I broke up though.

 

I really think that having peace (even though, its probably impossible at this point) with my ex, would help me to move on and date someone new.

 

Is peace necessary? I mean, its probably not. But i really do think it would help me to move on. idk. Im confused, any thoughts?

[freebird31]

Its like, i am at the very last chapter of this book. But before I start a new novel, i really really want to get through that very last chapter and end the first book before i move on to a new one. You know? Does that make sense...thats how i feel.

[jen1447]

It makes sense to me. A lot of ppl will tell you that closure is a myth, but I don't believe that's true. Closure bscly = answers, and as humans we're hardwired to always look for answers to unanswered questions, esp important ones, and there's probably nothing more important emotionally than romantic relationships.

 

We don't always get those answers, and ppl are still able to move on and find peace without, but that doesn't stop us wanting the answers and I'm pretty sure that moving on with proper closure is better than not. Some say closure comes from within or you don't need closure, but I think they're just saying that bc they had no other choice.

 

I'm with you - I want to know why before I sign off. It's not too much to ask.

[freebird31]

It makes sense to me. A lot of ppl will tell you that closure is a myth, but I don't believe that's true. Closure bscly = answers, and as humans we're hardwired to always look for answers to unanswered questions, esp important ones, and there's probably nothing more important emotionally than romantic relationships.

 

We don't always get those answers, and ppl are still able to move on and find peace without, but that doesn't stop us wanting the answers and I'm pretty sure that moving on with proper closure is better than not. Some say closure comes from within or you don't need closure, but I think they're just saying that bc they had no other choice.

 

I'm with you - I want to know why before I sign off. It's not too much to ask.

 

 

yes. it would just be really nice and to have that true sense of peace with some of my biggest demons. i perhaps still have love for my ex, but i have grown enough in the last 2 years to learn some of the traits in a partner that i would want, none of which my ex has.

 

Aside from that, the break up and some of the things said really left a scar. It was hurtful. I think thats what also stops me from moving on. Something about the scar just stops me from getting close to another. For example, the last two guys i kissed (and only since my ex) ended in tears. It was embarassing. But each time, i suddenly remembered my ex and all of the pain i went through. I think it is more so about healing from past hurt and moving forward, than it is having a closure with knowing that its over.

 

I really feel like having peace with him would help me :/ that is all i really pray for each night. Peace and understanding one day, and forgiveness. I really think once i have all of those things, i can move on to someone else.

[casey.lives]

No, i don't think you need peace with him... i need peace with my life, in order to move on.

[jen1447]

yes. it would just be really nice and to have that true sense of peace with some of my biggest demons. i perhaps still have love for my ex, but i have grown enough in the last 2 years to learn some of the traits in a partner that i would want, none of which my ex has.

 

Aside from that, the break up and some of the things said really left a scar. It was hurtful. I think thats what also stops me from moving on. Something about the scar just stops me from getting close to another. For example, the last two guys i kissed (and only since my ex) ended in tears. It was embarassing. But each time, i suddenly remembered my ex and all of the pain i went through. I think it is more so about healing from past hurt and moving forward, than it is having a closure with knowing that its over.

 

I really feel like having peace with him would help me :/ that is all i really pray for each night. Peace and understanding one day, and forgiveness. I really think once i have all of those things, i can move on to someone else.

 

I hope you find those things.

[dyna85]

Its like, i am at the very last chapter of this book. But before I start a new novel, i really really want to get through that very last chapter and end the first book before i move on to a new one. You know? Does that make sense...thats how i feel.

 

This is exactly how I feel too. He's disallowed you to finalize the chapter since he ignored you. I had the same thing happen to me and I relate to this exactly. And yes, putting yourself out there and dating others does cause the bad emotions to surface.

 

You and jen1447 make me feel not so alone as I feel the exact same way.

 

Not having proper closure at the end of something where there is an intense emotional connection is the worst kind of suffering.

 

The worst.

[dyna85]

One more thing I wanted to add, I think the lack of resolution is what is causing these emotions to linger with such intensity. I, for one, HATE conflict and loose ends, and this is just one GIANT loose end that cannot be closed as the other party refuses to close it, and it SUCKS.

 

Being ignored by someone you care about in the end... you can't help but to recirculate those thoughts over and over about 'how...why...' etc etc.

 

The breakups where there's an argument, and bam, it's over, and the door gets slammed or whatever... yeah, I'd take that any day over someone being silent when you're pouring your heart out to that person. That... is the biggest and most painful sting... and the hurt continues ceaselessly from it. I know what you mean about the scar. I personally still feel like an emotional wreck, nearing 9 months. It's like everything bad that happens reminds me of the pain and reopens the wound...

[freebird31]

One more thing I wanted to add, I think the lack of resolution is what is causing these emotions to linger with such intensity. I, for one, HATE conflict and loose ends, and this is just one GIANT loose end that cannot be closed as the other party refuses to close it, and it SUCKS.

 

Being ignored by someone you care about in the end... you can't help but to recirculate those thoughts over and over about 'how...why...' etc etc.

 

The breakups where there's an argument, and bam, it's over, and the door gets slammed or whatever... yeah, I'd take that any day over someone being silent when you're pouring your heart out to that person. That... is the biggest and most painful sting... and the hurt continues ceaselessly from it. I know what you mean about the scar. I personally still feel like an emotional wreck, nearing 9 months. It's like everything bad that happens reminds me of the pain and reopens the wound...

 

YES. exactly how i feel as well! I HATE conflict and loose ends. AND the fact that he ignored my message is hurtful in itself. Its just agonizing, and frustrating.

Because i DO want to move on, i really really do! But this lack of peace is making it incredibly difficult. Its not that i sit and dwell about it all the time or something, its just that its there....right there in the back of mind all the time. And especially when i date other people, oh man, that is the worst! it is when i try to get intimate with someone new, that this triggers the worst of my inner-most demons, all the pain that has been buried there comes back alive, and the memories of the breakup and how incredibly harsh it was. All of it, it ALL comes alive when i try to move on.

 

I really feel that peace and just understanding, and most importantly forgiveness will help me to just move on with this chapter, and put the book down.

 

But he will not give me that peace. And i know that deep down, the lack of peace bothers him too. But he is too immature, too naive, i also believe that he too scared and a little bit of a coward to face me and, most of all too scared to face himself and reason with why he did those things. He is a coward....so instead he ignores the situation, boxes is up, and buries it away in the back of his mind. But trust me, i know that deep down, this def effects him. If he really cared about me at some point, then why would it not? He is a coward. And it sucks, that I just have to give it to time for him to build the courage and decency to face himself and me.

[dyna85]

YES. exactly how i feel as well! I HATE conflict and loose ends. AND the fact that he ignored my message is hurtful in itself. Its just agonizing, and frustrating.

Because i DO want to move on, i really really do! But this lack of peace is making it incredibly difficult. Its not that i sit and dwell about it all the time or something, its just that its there....right there in the back of mind all the time. And especially when i date other people, oh man, that is the worst! it is when i try to get intimate with someone new, that this triggers the worst of my inner-most demons, all the pain that has been buried there comes back alive, and the memories of the breakup and how incredibly harsh it was. All of it, it ALL comes alive when i try to move on.

 

I really feel that peace and just understanding, and most importantly forgiveness will help me to just move on with this chapter, and put the book down.

 

But he will not give me that peace. And i know that deep down, the lack of peace bothers him too. But he is too immature, too naive, i also believe that he too scared and a little bit of a coward to face me and, most of all too scared to face himself and reason with why he did those things. He is a coward....so instead he ignores the situation, boxes is up, and buries it away in the back of his mind. But trust me, i know that deep down, this def effects him. If he really cared about me at some point, then why would it not? He is a coward. And it sucks, that I just have to give it to time for him to build the courage and decency to face himself and me.

 

I know how you feel! I'm tortured too and want the pain to end. I wake up every day feeling awful and I can't help but try to make sense of it.

 

It makes me want to give into all of my addictions because it's really painful to deal with on a regular basis.

 

Last night I came on here and came across a post in which someone mentioned to get thru the breakup you must feel the pain--really feel it--and quoted Winston Churchill's 'if you're going thru hell, keep going.' I think this is important and gives hope that we will eventually progress to the other side if we just persevere in spite of the pain.

 

When you say the lack of peace bothers you -- that is such a perfect description. Also, that all the pain comes alive when you try to move on - yes!! Isn't it bizarre? You'd think your body would be on board with moving on, yet it's like your emotions want to see you struggle and keep you stuck.

 

I agree that peace, understanding, and forgiveness will help you move on. Being ignored though is a lack of communication that impedes peace, understanding, and forgiveness. However, it's out of our control, so I guess we must make peace, understand, and forgive, even without acknowledgement. That's proving to be a tough challenge.

 

I also agree with your description of your ex being a coward and immature and unable to deal with his emotions. It's weird bc before I experienced this similar situation, if someone were ignored, I would think 'get over it, it's not a big deal, the person isn't worth it,' but actually experiencing the pain of being ignored is excruciating. You just think of the other person being like 'you don't matter to me right now' and just pushing you aside when it affects you day in and day out. It's just so cruel.

 

Clearly there's a significant lesson here to be learned by the both of us-I feel like it's about loving one's self and not needing others' validation, etc. However, the lesson is ultra harsh and reverberates through time.

 

I envy my friend who was ignored and the person eventually returned to apologize. It's like immediately the weight was lifted and he felt relieved and like he finally got his closure. Meanwhile, we're left hanging and must deal with that bitter pill.

 

I too pray for peace and understanding. Wish we could move thru this pain as swiftly as possible but I think our emotions are so potent so we do learn and grow...

[freebird31]

I know how you feel! I'm tortured too and want the pain to end. I wake up every day feeling awful and I can't help but try to make sense of it.

 

It makes me want to give into all of my addictions because it's really painful to deal with on a regular basis.

 

Last night I came on here and came across a post in which someone mentioned to get thru the breakup you must feel the pain--really feel it--and quoted Winston Churchill's 'if you're going thru hell, keep going.' I think this is important and gives hope that we will eventually progress to the other side if we just persevere in spite of the pain.

 

When you say the lack of peace bothers you -- that is such a perfect description. Also, that all the pain comes alive when you try to move on - yes!! Isn't it bizarre? You'd think your body would be on board with moving on, yet it's like your emotions want to see you struggle and keep you stuck.

 

I agree that peace, understanding, and forgiveness will help you move on. Being ignored though is a lack of communication that impedes peace, understanding, and forgiveness. However, it's out of our control, so I guess we must make peace, understand, and forgive, even without acknowledgement. That's proving to be a tough challenge.

 

I also agree with your description of your ex being a coward and immature and unable to deal with his emotions. It's weird bc before I experienced this similar situation, if someone were ignored, I would think 'get over it, it's not a big deal, the person isn't worth it,' but actually experiencing the pain of being ignored is excruciating. You just think of the other person being like 'you don't matter to me right now' and just pushing you aside when it affects you day in and day out. It's just so cruel.

 

Clearly there's a significant lesson here to be learned by the both of us-I feel like it's about loving one's self and not needing others' validation, etc. However, the lesson is ultra harsh and reverberates through time.

 

I envy my friend who was ignored and the person eventually returned to apologize. It's like immediately the weight was lifted and he felt relieved and like he finally got his closure. Meanwhile, we're left hanging and must deal with that bitter pill.

 

I too pray for peace and understanding. Wish we could move thru this pain as swiftly as possible but I think our emotions are so potent so we do learn and grow...

 

 

You're right. I think a lesson here is to remain strong. Sometimes, it is so damn hard. But I have come soooo far now, after many many months, and years of pain and struggling. And at the end of it all, I have had some pretty prety bad days, but most importantly I have some pretty amazing days despite it all. And that is what keeps me going and making me believe that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.

 

It seems as if I will not get the peace and understaning with the situation from my ex. And perhaps, you may not either. And it is so sad, and so hard to swallow. But, I am positive I still can cope without the peace with him.

 

And like you had mentioned, perhaps the lesson here is to not need anothers validation. And perhaps, we can find the peace within ourself and somehow find it in us to forgive them for the sake of moving on and believing that not all people are necesserily bad, they just make mistakes..mistakes that can really hurt someone else.

 

I have let someone so amazing go in this process, because my heart, my mind was set on my past. Another lesson for me. I will not let that happen again.

 

Having peace with our exes would make things so much easier. But life doesn't seem to ever come easy I have learned. I have learned that the world doesnt owe you a thing. But that doesnt mean that we still wont be able to get through it, it only just means that it will be a little bit harder. But still do-able. We just have to find the strength within us, practice this strength, and build the courage to face our demons and fight them! Meaning, when I go on a date and even if it is so scary and bad emotions come back, i will not let this stop me from taking things further the next time. I will only just accept that this is a part of the process of moving on. I dont know.

 

I just, i let someone so amazing go. And i regret it, but i cannot beat myself up about it. I just take it as a lesson. You know. I want peace with my ex in order to really move on, but i dont NEED it. I will just have to muster up the strength and courage to move on and if i meet someone else who is a great guy, i will not let them get away this time for the sake of fear or being stuck in the past. This is a lesson learned for me.

 

We can do this. We have gotten THIS far. It will be tough, but we have already proven to ourlselves that we are tough enough to get this far. We will be okay! It will be a journey. At the end of this long journey, we will have known pain and lessons, but we will have strength and wisdom that will help us endure in future hardships. We will also know independence and courage. ALL of these traits will help us endure in our future relationships. All in all, we will make even greater catches from all of the lessons that have built our character and shaped us to become who we are.

 

Positivity. Good vibes! No more negativity. We will get through this. I know I will. It has been over two years for me since I have been broken up with my ex, and i know I am strong.

[dyna85]

You're right. I think a lesson here is to remain strong. Sometimes, it is so damn hard. But I have come soooo far now, after many many months, and years of pain and struggling. And at the end of it all, I have had some pretty prety bad days, but most importantly I have some pretty amazing days despite it all. And that is what keeps me going and making me believe that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.

 

It seems as if I will not get the peace and understaning with the situation from my ex. And perhaps, you may not either. And it is so sad, and so hard to swallow. But, I am positive I still can cope without the peace with him.

 

And like you had mentioned, perhaps the lesson here is to not need anothers validation. And perhaps, we can find the peace within ourself and somehow find it in us to forgive them for the sake of moving on and believing that not all people are necesserily bad, they just make mistakes..mistakes that can really hurt someone else.

 

I have let someone so amazing go in this process, because my heart, my mind was set on my past. Another lesson for me. I will not let that happen again.

 

Having peace with our exes would make things so much easier. But life doesn't seem to ever come easy I have learned. I have learned that the world doesnt owe you a thing. But that doesnt mean that we still wont be able to get through it, it only just means that it will be a little bit harder. But still do-able. We just have to find the strength within us, practice this strength, and build the courage to face our demons and fight them! Meaning, when I go on a date and even if it is so scary and bad emotions come back, i will not let this stop me from taking things further the next time. I will only just accept that this is a part of the process of moving on. I dont know.

 

I just, i let someone so amazing go. And i regret it, but i cannot beat myself up about it. I just take it as a lesson. You know. I want peace with my ex in order to really move on, but i dont NEED it. I will just have to muster up the strength and courage to move on and if i meet someone else who is a great guy, i will not let them get away this time for the sake of fear or being stuck in the past. This is a lesson learned for me.

 

We can do this. We have gotten THIS far. It will be tough, but we have already proven to ourlselves that we are tough enough to get this far. We will be okay! It will be a journey. At the end of this long journey, we will have known pain and lessons, but we will have strength and wisdom that will help us endure in future hardships. We will also know independence and courage. ALL of these traits will help us endure in our future relationships. All in all, we will make even greater catches from all of the lessons that have built our character and shaped us to become who we are.

 

Positivity. Good vibes! No more negativity. We will get through this. I know I will. It has been over two years for me since I have been broken up with my ex, and i know I am strong.

 

Emanating such positivity freebird. I like it.

 

You are strong and I can tell you are improving, just from having read your past posts. I saw at the 8 month mark you still really really missed him but you've reached a point where you've had decent and pretty amazing days. That is great progress girl.

 

I still admire you for having set aside your pride and having written those heartfelt letters to your ex. At least you won't have regrets on having not acted in true accordance with your heart.

 

And you're right about achieving peace. Either way, it's got to come. The body can't be frenzied forever.

 

You're right that life isn't easy, and I agree it will be hard without the closure/peace which would help expedite the process, however, I guess it's better to get a tough lesson like this out of the way sooner rather than later.

 

Better to be dealing with a major struggle right now and have good things happen later down the road rather than the reverse. Sometimes what helps is to think of everyone experiencing bliss right now, and their tough times lie ahead, while our tough time is now and surely that means some good things are around the bend for us to experience at a later date. It might take a while to get there, but it is a hopeful thought.

 

I think you're right about needing to face our demons and the rough emotions. Tackling them head on rather than avoiding 'em will help us move through this process more effectively. This is probably my biggest hurdle and one I am getting better at facing with the passing days, weeks, months. Sometimes the emotions can really knock you for a loop and make you want to just hide away and not face anyone or anything, but the sooner you face the emotions head on and allow your body to process them, the better you feel.

 

I really like your second to last and last paragraph too. Such a great post. It brightened my day and helped me with my mindset. It's good to channel that positive energy. You are a tough cookie for making it this far and you deserve someone who appreciates the love you have to give.

 

Stay strong.

[BC1980]

As a person who once spent a great deal of time wondering "why," I can empathize with your situation. I wish it were simple to have all of your questions answered and come to some sort of understanding. Unfortunately, people often don't get any answer, and, even when an answer is given, it's not one we can understand.

 

Really, unless there is a very specific cause like cheating, the answer is often: "I just don't love you enough or in the way that would make me want to stick it out with you for the long haul." You can go round in circles and come up with a million reasons or incompatibilities, but it often boils down to the reason above. And that's tough pill to swallow and even more difficult to understand.

 

I've noticed a lot of people come to LS with the idea that "one last talk" would make everything understandable. If they could only understand why the ex left them, they could move on. That is such a myth, and it's a way to hold onto the past. Your ex doesn't hold any special knowledge that can help you move on. I'm not saying you aren't ever going to wonder "why" again. You might wonder that for many years, but you can't allow it to dominate your life and hinder your ability to move on. Jen is right. We are hardwired to want answers. We don't like to admit that things aren't always black and white, and that we don't have control.

[freebird31]

I think it just takes time, i would think, right? I feel like emotionally, i am for the most-part healed. I do still have the scars, and the sorrow sometimes comes. But i also think that a lot of it is mental. I think that I have just held on for such a long time for my ex in hopes of him returning, in hopes that he would say sorry to me. I have stubbornly held on to my ex that i really put a guard up when other oppurtunities came my way to get intimate with other people. And i really think thats perfectly okay. It just means that I was not ready at the time. But now i am. And i think that it all just really comes down to acceptance. I accept that I may never have the peace with my ex. I accept that I may always even have love for my ex. But i also understand that this does not mean I can't move on to someone else, and be in a healthy and happy relationship with someone else. I really dont. I also think that we may never ever be truly ready. Let's face it, we were really hurt, betrayed in some cases. It will take a lot to really find it in us to trust someone again, but I think that I can find it in me the next time to open my heart.

 

I used to think that "healing takes time" was a cliche for a while, because while I did feel better, I still carried all of these scars. But now i truly understand that we may never be fully "healed," but time does make it easier. I have felt all the emotions throughout this: sadness, anger, frustration. I really think that I have just come so far to just accept that I will always only just be 95% healed. That 5% I will never get back. I think that I was hoping to be 100% healed from this, that I would never hurt over this anymore. But I just have realized that I will never really be fully healed, we wont. We will always have that part of our hearts that was broken and is now scar tissue. But time sure as heck makes it easier and i know that i can move on, with or without peace