Has anyone actually had success with an ex coming back into your life?

[paigej91]

(for friendship OR a second chance)

 

If so, what happened for it to work out? Had it been a short-term relationship or long-term? And who had dumped who/for what reason(s)?

[Otter2569]

Friendship yes, no problem...second chances no.

 

Currently have one of those going on now but I have new stuff in the works so not persuing more than talking as friends.

[Cailinsona]

Yes.

 

My ex came back more than a year ago after ten months apart. He broke up with me due to stressors going on in his life. We had been together for just over six months when he ended it. It's going very well

 

My mum and dad got back together after 7 years apart. She broke up with him as she was moving overseas. They remained happily married until he died a few years ago.

 

My sister got back together with her now husband after about a month apart. She broke up with him when she found out that he had been seeing another girl. They reconciled and have been very happily married for 12 years now.

 

All very different stories, but with happy outcomes. I don't think it's that uncommon, but it goes to show each and every situation is unique.

[d0nnivain]

Somebody dumped me. About 3 months later I convinced him to give us a 2nd chance. We last about 2 weeks It was so obvious that the relationship was broken.

 

 

20 years later we did a successful business deal together.

 

 

I broke up with another guy & about 18 months later sent him a sappy snail mail apologizing, saying I was wrong & asking for a second chance. He ignored me. many years later we can have a civil 10 - 15 minute chat when we bump into each other.

[paigej91]

Friendship yes, no problem...second chances no.

 

Currently have one of those going on now but I have new stuff in the works so not persuing more than talking as friends.

 

I've always thought "friendship" with an ex was a worse idea than giving a second chance at the relationship. Not sure how you could actually stay platonic without it being difficult for at least one person.

[paigej91]

Yes.

 

My ex came back more than a year ago after ten months apart. He broke up with me due to stressors going on in his life. We had been together for just over six months when he ended it. It's going very well

 

 

What kind of stressors were going on in his life? I'm sure it had to be a really convincing reason since you were the one dumped. And did he ever tell you why it was so long after the fact (10 months)?

[Cailinsona]

He had a lot of things going on his life with work and his living situation. When we started dating it was fairly soon after the end of his previous relationship as well. I think the speed at which we became serious about each other surprised us both and with everything else that he was dealing with at the time he needed some time to think about what he really wanted. He didn't feel it was fair on me to keep me hanging whilst he figured these things out.

 

I was devastated. It was tough for quite a while. But you eventually have to pick up the pieces, dust yourself off and move on with your life, which is what I did. I dated a lot, travelled, threw myself into work, got promoted, socialised with new people. Kept myself busy basically.

 

The ten months passed slowly for me. For him they went by in the blink of an eye! He achieved incredible things whilst we were apart. He really thought things through and made good decisions. When he was ready he contacted me again and was surprised when I didn't respond with open arms.

 

I was shocked, to be honest. I didn't expect to hear from him again after all that time had passed. I didn't want to risk getting hurt again and part of me thought it was too late for him to waltz back into my life again as if nothing had happened!

 

Long story short...he persisted and persisted. I could see he was genuine. He had to do the work to win me back and he made huge efforts to demonstrate that I could trust him with my heart again.

 

I got lucky. It could have turned out badly, but I am a logical person and I was more rational ten months down the track (I was very emotional for the first few months after the break up). I took a calculated risk that paid off and I have no regrets.

[Gingerlocks]

He had a lot of things going on his life with work and his living situation. When we started dating it was fairly soon after the end of his previous relationship as well. I think the speed at which we became serious about each other surprised us both and with everything else that he was dealing with at the time he needed some time to think about what he really wanted. He didn't feel it was fair on me to keep me hanging whilst he figured these things out.

 

I was devastated. It was tough for quite a while. But you eventually have to pick up the pieces, dust yourself off and move on with your life, which is what I did. I dated a lot, travelled, threw myself into work, got promoted, socialised with new people. Kept myself busy basically.

 

The ten months passed slowly for me. For him they went by in the blink of an eye! He achieved incredible things whilst we were apart. He really thought things through and made good decisions. When he was ready he contacted me again and was surprised when I didn't respond with open arms.

 

I was shocked, to be honest. I didn't expect to hear from him again after all that time had passed. I didn't want to risk getting hurt again and part of me thought it was too late for him to waltz back into my life again as if nothing had happened!

 

Long story short...he persisted and persisted. I could see he was genuine. He had to do the work to win me back and he made huge efforts to demonstrate that I could trust him with my heart again.

 

I got lucky. It could have turned out badly, but I am a logical person and I was more rational ten months down the track (I was very emotional for the first few months after the break up). I took a calculated risk that paid off and I have no regrets.

 

Did you go NC in those 10 months?

[Cailinsona]

Yes.

 

Completely NC in that I didn't contact him after the initial break up and he didn't contact me either.

 

I ran into him once, a month after the break up, and we were courteous to each other. He had been very respectful towards me throughout our relationship and I didn't see the necessity not to say a brief polite hello. But other than that, there was no contact until he emailed me ten months after the break up.

 

He initially contacted me by email, which I ignored. After several attempts at email he called me at work (I was so shocked that I hung up on him!). He kept calling and eventually I agreed to meet him to hear what he had to say.

 

I was very sceptical initially, as to my mind I had heard nothing from him for close to a year and I questioned his motives/sincerity in contacting me after such a long period of time apart.

[drseuss]

Yes.

 

My ex came back more than a year ago after ten months apart. He broke up with me due to stressors going on in his life. We had been together for just over six months when he ended it. It's going very well

 

My mum and dad got back together after 7 years apart. She broke up with him as she was moving overseas. They remained happily married until he died a few years ago.

 

My sister got back together with her now husband after about a month apart. She broke up with him when she found out that he had been seeing another girl. They reconciled and have been very happily married for 12 years now.

 

All very different stories, but with happy outcomes. I don't think it's that uncommon, but it goes to show each and every situation is unique.

 

 

So you were almost a rebound ? Did he go back to his ex at all?

[Cailinsona]

No not a rebound It had been six months between his previous relationship and meeting me. I wouldn't have considered dating him in the first place otherwise.

 

No, he didn't go back to his ex. I wouldn't have entertained meeting up with him again if that had been the case

Edited September 13, 2015 by Cailinsona

[paigej91]

I was shocked, to be honest. I didn't expect to hear from him again after all that time had passed. I didn't want to risk getting hurt again and part of me thought it was too late for him to waltz back into my life again as if nothing had happened!

 

Long story short...he persisted and persisted. I could see he was genuine. He had to do the work to win me back and he made huge efforts to demonstrate that I could trust him with my heart again.

 

I got lucky. It could have turned out badly, but I am a logical person and I was more rational ten months down the track (I was very emotional for the first few months after the break up). I took a calculated risk that paid off and I have no regrets.

 

What made you feel confident enough to take that leap of faith again? You say is was a "calculated risk" - were there specific things he did that a) made it feel less risky and b) gained your trust back? It's always a good sign when they're genuine, but I would imagine there still had to be a part of you that held back.

 

I ask all these questions because I'm going through this phase right now and it sounds eerily similar to your experience.

Edited September 13, 2015 by paigej91

[Cailinsona]

Well it took time, obviously And patience and good communication.

 

I didn't respond to his initial attempts at contact for a month until he called me in person. I just felt that emailing me was a cop out and that he needed to make a lot more effort than that before I would contemplate hearing him out.

 

We then started seeing each other and talking things through. Everything that had happened before and how things would be different if we tried again.

 

Once I was assured that he was being genuine, I agreed to date him all over again. And I mean back to square one dating....the whole nine yards. I wanted to take things extremely slowly to ensure that he was really serious about me.

 

After six months of dating (and this was dating the second time around), we became official and it's now been more than a year since he returned.

 

We have discussed getting married and I'm happy at how things are progressing between us. I'm very hopeful that we will have a long future ahead of us.

[paigej91]

Well it took time, obviously And patience and good communication.

 

I didn't respond to his initial attempts at contact for a month until he called me in person. I just felt that emailing me was a cop out and that he needed to make a lot more effort than that before I would contemplate hearing him out.

 

We then started seeing each other and talking things through. Everything that had happened before and how things would be different if we tried again.

 

Once I was assured that he was being genuine, I agreed to date him all over again. And I mean back to square one dating....the whole nine yards. I wanted to take things extremely slowly to ensure that he was really serious about me.

 

After six months of dating (and this was dating the second time around), we became official and it's now been more than a year since he returned.

 

We have discussed getting married and I'm happy at how things are progressing between us. I'm very hopeful that we will have a long future ahead of us.

 

Oh I don't doubt it took time and patience - you have to expect it in that kind of situation So once you listened to what he had to say, did you essentially start seeing each other right away (cautiously, of course)? What made you get over those trust issues and fear? Was it just time and him showing you he's changed and/or is more genuine?

[Cailinsona]

It took about a month before we started dating again. I've always believed him to be honest and upfront. I wouldn't have met up with him again if that hadn't been the case.

 

I was cautious mostly because I needed to see evidence that the issues that had prompted him to break up with me in the first place had been resolved.

 

In addition, I wanted to take things very slowly as I had experienced so much heartache and I was taking a big risk allowing him back into my life again. I knew there was a possibility of history repeating itself and I needed to protect myself in the event that things didn't work out.

Edited October 19, 2015 by Cailinsona

[singme2sleep]

It took about a month before we started dating again. I've always believed him to be honest and upfront. I wouldn't have met up with him again if that hadn't been the case.

 

I was cautious mostly because I needed to see evidence that the issues that had prompted him to break up with me in the first place had been resolved.

 

In addition, I wanted to take things very slowly as I had experienced so much heartache and I was taking a big risk allowing him back into my life again. I knew there was a possibility of history repeating itself and I needed to protect myself in the event that things didn't work out.

 

I envy you. Yours is the outcome I would die for.

[Glynda]

I think trying to be friends with an ex doesn't work because one usually wants things to go back to the way they were and when that doesn't happen, someone gets hurt.

 

I took an ex from high school back when I was in college and found out he hadn't grown up much since graduating so we ended up breaking up a second time for good.

 

He then tried calling my parents a couple of years later trying to track me down and get back with me. They took a message, but I never called him back. A year after that, he called my parents' home again and I was there to take the call. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore and to leave me alone and he did until recently(20 years later) when he tried to contact me on Facebook. My profile says I'm married and I told him in a message that I'm married, but he said some things that indicated he wanted to get back together anyway. I told him not a chance because I was happily married now to the man of my dreams and wasn't risking that. He has since left me alone again and hopefully he'll stay gone.

[Cailinsona]

Dear singme2sleep

 

I completely understand your feelings, as I felt like you did immediately after the break up and for a long while afterwards.

 

But looking back I needed to get myself back first.

 

By the time he returned, I was OK with living my life without him and I knew that I was able to be happy either on my own or with someone else.

 

I really believe that in order to move forwards you need to allow yourself the time to recover and flourish on your own terms.

 

Then, if they do return you get to decide whether you are prepared to let them back in to your wonderful life or not

[Fair]

This has never worked for me.

 

 

I think most people don't quite manage to move on until they've made damn sure every last drop of feelings they had for their ex is dead... and the only way they can do that is to keep coming back. They'll come back 2 or 3 times or even more, if you let them... And then when they've had the final fight with you or somehow manage to build up a sufficient amount of anger/contempt/distaste for you... THEN and only then will they move on without looking back.

 

 

Personally, I'm done with that merry-go-round, myself. When my last ex wanted to come back the answer was no, even though I still had some feelings for him. I don't regret it.

[Fair]

In other words they come back so they can finally let go... ironically.

[Mrlonelyone]

I personally had a GF for a year, we broke up and I moved away. Then a couple years latter I looked her up and found her and we had another year together.

 

Relationships between historical scientist are full of a couple of good second chance stories. Everyone knows about the "A Beautiful Mind" story of John Forbes Nash and Lisa De Larde - Nash.

 

Then there is the lesser known story of Marie and Pierre Curie. When Marie was in Paris for a time she met Pierre who ran a lab she needed access to. Then she moved back to Poland. It is unclear if they were ever..."together" before that moving back.

 

Far from going NC Pierre send numerous letters to Marie speaking of how much he loved her and proposing to marry her IF she would return to France. Well it worked.

 

 

So second chances can work. The one thing all of them have in common is that neither partner really "does better" in finding a relationship, but both of them have the time to let the old version of their relationship fade, and start a new.

 

As long as we don't assume that the only version of "working out" is that they get married and stay married until death, very few first chances do that, we can say they work too.

[jrode23]

He had a lot of things going on his life with work and his living situation. When we started dating it was fairly soon after the end of his previous relationship as well. I think the speed at which we became serious about each other surprised us both and with everything else that he was dealing with at the time he needed some time to think about what he really wanted. He didn't feel it was fair on me to keep me hanging whilst he figured these things out.

 

I was devastated. It was tough for quite a while. But you eventually have to pick up the pieces, dust yourself off and move on with your life, which is what I did. I dated a lot, travelled, threw myself into work, got promoted, socialised with new people. Kept myself busy basically.

 

The ten months passed slowly for me. For him they went by in the blink of an eye! He achieved incredible things whilst we were apart. He really thought things through and made good decisions. When he was ready he contacted me again and was surprised when I didn't respond with open arms.

 

I was shocked, to be honest. I didn't expect to hear from him again after all that time had passed. I didn't want to risk getting hurt again and part of me thought it was too late for him to waltz back into my life again as if nothing had happened!

 

Long story short...he persisted and persisted. I could see he was genuine. He had to do the work to win me back and he made huge efforts to demonstrate that I could trust him with my heart again.

 

I got lucky. It could have turned out badly, but I am a logical person and I was more rational ten months down the track (I was very emotional for the first few months after the break up). I took a calculated risk that paid off and I have no regrets.

 

It's always great to read stuff like this, because it keeps hope somewhat alive, which I think is a good thing so long as you're able to overcome the initial breakup and sort of move on.

 

Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my now, sadly, ex who I had been with for 14 months. She broke up with me last week and though she said it was because she just didn't see a future, I think a lot of it has to do with life stressors because it came out of nowhere. She is less than half a year into starting a very demanding career, is living on her own for the first time and I think is just not sure what she wants or how to prioritize. She said it's not that she couldn't picture living with me or marrying me, but just that it didn't feel like what would make her happy or feel fulfilled. This, contrary to all of the stuff she had told me all along. How she did see a future, how she thought I was the perfect guy and did things for her that no one ever have.

 

I have been bad about going NC in the almost week since. The first few days I was digging for answers, but didn't get anything more. Now, I need to firmly implement it. Maybe it's too late and that I bugged her too much afterwards, but I can only hope my story ends like yours.

 

I won't allow it to consume my life, but I have never loved anyone more than her and considering that things did end pretty amicably, I will, at least for the relatively near future, hold out a tiny amount of hope that she may get things together and prioritized and realize she made a mistake.

[theredpill]

The simple numbers I believe are about 1 in 10 work long term, the others are no more than brief flashes of light and then more pain.

 

 

Becoming the best version of yourself and keeping your options open, is by far the best approach compared to hanging onto what could be with the ex.

[the pain is real]

I pray to God that I get a second chance.

[NoMoreJerks]

In other words they come back so they can finally let go... ironically.

yeah, I find that my ex did this. This is why I felt so used afterwards. It's like he knew all along he was just doing it for his own sake, to make sure he wouldn't regret not giving it a try. It was never a real, genuine effort on his part to change things.