I want a divorce but where do i start? and is it good enough reason?

[learning to breathe]

My last post was about myself, my emotional affair (who is now just a friend) and my "husband". you would think a crazy love triangle or something but i dont want us all to be connected but we are, and its because of me.

 

My husband obviously can be a nice guy just like anyone but over the years he has made his temper known, abused me verbally, mentally and physically.

 

But the reason why i am am writing tonight is because today i let him know that i forgive him. I felt like that was a big turning point for me because i need closure. i need to let go. Let go of what? the past but never forget.. its too hard. anyone who has ever loved someone and they look at you in the eyes with so much anger and they start hurting you how could you ever look at them with love again? He didnt say anything after i told him i forgave him, he was looking around when i was talking it was like i wasnt even there. it was weird. all we talk about is his job and thats about all.

 

is it even possible? i mean im sure it is. but why would you want to go back? predicament that i am in at the moment which is why dont i just leave? i want to be happy right? yes i do. but how? the thought of divorce, the word divorce just drives me up the wall. The divorce rate is so high it saddens me and i dont want to be a statistic but i am a statistic if i stay too. i dont want to be sad here.... i know i need help and i always felt like i have to leave my life on hold just to please "him"

 

thats not me anymore. I want to move from here and start a new life. Preferably with my friend who i just adore but i havent talked to as of late in a loving manner because i dont feel like i am one hundred percent and it isnt fair to him. so here i am in limbo. how do i approach "divorce"?

 

im taking one day at a time. i need some encouragement please. :/

xoxo

learning to breathe.

Edited September 11, 2015 by learning to breathe

[66Charger]

Hello miss Lady.

 

I am usually extremely harsh on those who cheat in a marriage even emotionally, but I am brutal on a man who hits a woman. So here is how I suggest you change your thought patterns.

 

First. You should have never been hit twice. Divorce is not a option for you, it must become your reality.

 

You must now focus on your Second Life. The life you live now will soon be over. Delete your freind from the picture for a moment. Picture yourself waking up in the morning. Walking outside and smelling the fresh air. There is no drama. There is no fear. There are no dark thoughts. There is only a promise. A promise of another day that you can make into whatever you like. No more violence. Your life is like a book. The chapters and pages ahead are not yet written. Divorce may be a chapter, but you have many more to go.

 

In order to write your book clean, you must let the EA go. All the way until you are free. No more messages. No more freinds. Start clean. Focus on your life as you want it to be, not with a particular person. That is fantasy and you do not know truth of his written word. Once you are free, you may pursue who you wish. If it is real, it will be there the day after you file and move out. I believe You do not have to be officialy divorced but you should file and move before you resume. Let him go for now. Time should be your friend.

 

Do not fear freedom, no matter how tough it may eventualy be. Soon, the sun will rise. Soon your life will be yours. Soon your present will be past, where it belongs.

 

Do not ask for divorce. Just divorce. This is not a man you are with. Where i come from a wife beater is just above a pedophile. He deserves a beat down and if I was your brother, he would have paid the price the first time. Dont even bother with forgiveness. Put this behind you. Kill everything dead. No reconcilluations, no closure. No marriage councilling. No nothing. This man punches his wife in the head. Get this done. Now

 

Write another chapter in your life book. Fill it with hope and a promise.

 

Start your second life today. Just do it.

Edited September 11, 2015 by 66Charger

[redrock1]

Well, I'm sorry you've been through so many ups and downs with your husband. And it was especially concerning to hear you mention the abuse you've faced. I couldn't tell from your post if this was still ongoing? But, of course, you need to keep yourself physically safe. As far as divorce goes, I know that's a heartbreaking step to take-no matter what the reasons. And I don't think any of us can tell you what the future holds for your marriage. But perhaps, if you haven't done so already, you might want to consider some counseling before you move forward? I'm not sure if your husband would ever consent to seeing someone as well, but it still might be worthwhile to go on your own. So, just something to think about. In the meantime, I'll be praying that you'll know what step to take next...

[learning to breathe]

hi 66charger thank you for your post. i really appreciate everything you wrote to me. it touched me so much while reading it at work i started to cry because your words meant so much.

 

i actually am focusing on myself right now and am not worrying about anyone or anything. just me. i have a lot of things to look forward to and i plan out moving before my birthday comes which is next month.

 

i am nervous to start a new life. only because of what is to come soon. i dont believe in emotional affairs as well. i used to think that we would be together for a very long time and i mean i didnt feel or havent felt that we have been married for years since the day he laid his hands on me and i am not justifying myself by any means i just well i met someone that i like so much and i feel like he is amazing. is that cliche to say?

 

i want to see the sun rise 66charger. i feel like i deserve that.

 

to redrock1

thank you for your words. i have actually gone to therapy marriage therapy alone to be exact. he didnt go with me, he always made an excuse and of course said that he didnt want to go because no one can help him.but i went because obviously i had something in me to want to make this work. i was alone once again. he hasnt hit me but accidently threw a cup at me because our cat scratched him and he got so mad that she ran off of him and the hard plastic cup he had in his hands flew and hit me on the side of my head and my hand and it left a welch of me... shortly after that he called me names like a whore and hoe because he knows about me talking to my EA then but now we are friends and he still is jealous that we talk but that will never stop. i dont want it too but i know that i need to for the time being at least until i leave and start the divorce process.

 

ummm i feel weird to be honest about everything. but my heart truly is in the east coast. that is where i want to start my second life. but i feel a sense of like am i running away from my problems here or do i need to face them, or maybe facing them is to leave.... like... im confused. but ive made the decision to move out soon and he doesnt know yet... but i am. i cant do this anymore. i feel like he is the same and i think the only reason why he is wanting to "fight" for me is only because someone else is interested in me and loves me...

 

but its too late i feel....

 

thank you everyone again for your words. gives me a sense of relief.

[warshaw]

Once he struck you the first time, your decision to divorce was already made.

 

It's only a matter of time before you leave this abuser.

 

Why you chose to "forgive" him for abusing you is another matter entirely, but anyway, it's time to go.

 

You're going to leave him, you know this, and it will only get more difficult with each passing day.

 

So logic predicates that you need to start making a move on this tomorrow.

[learning to breathe]

thank you warshaw. you are right. i twisted my ankle yesterday at work anddddd here i am feeling helpless and hopeless. i was going to start packing more of my things today and obviously thats not going to happen. ill just take it as more of a stepping stone i suppose.

 

ill keep everyone posted as to what happens next... but until then thank you everyone for your words of encouragement.

 

xoxo

learning to breathe.

[carhill]

Where to start? Call a mediator.

 

Is it good enough reason? People end partnerships all the time, and for no reason at all, other than they want to. Reasons are simply justifications for social lubricity and consumption. No animals were harmed here and nobody died so do what you want, for whatever reason, or no reason at all. When you get down the road to the end of life the last thing you want to do is contemplate if your reasons in life justified your existence. Just live and accept that partnerships begin and end and loves come and go. Enjoy the ride.

 

Mediator.... leave an amicable divorce or marriage counseling on the table and see where the minds meet, then plan B if things go sideways. I thank our MC and my lawyer for that advice.

[66Charger]

thank you warshaw. you are right. i twisted my ankle yesterday at work anddddd here i am feeling helpless and hopeless. i was going to start packing more of my things today and obviously thats not going to happen. ill just take it as more of a stepping stone i suppose.

 

ill keep everyone posted as to what happens next... but until then thank you everyone for your words of encouragement.

 

xoxo

learning to breathe.

 

No. Do not let a twisted ankle be your excuse. Wrap it up tight and push thru the pain. This is exactly what you need to do. It is so symbolic. No matter how much it hurts, you are pushing thru to a better tomorrow. Your ankle will heal, as well as your soul.

 

Start the process. You dont have to finish in 1 day. Stop giving excuses

[carhill]

Good point, and one learned in MC. Each day is one day. Focus on the day. Life doesn't happen in a day, but over a life. Each day is a step along that life path. If things suck today, well that's today. There's always a shining light in each day, no matter how small, so focus on that and move forward. One day at a time. That process relates to the 'where do I start' question. Acceptance of the real is a good start.

[BlueBlood]

No. Do not let a twisted ankle be your excuse. Wrap it up tight and push thru the pain. This is exactly what you need to do. It is so symbolic. No matter how much it hurts, you are pushing thru to a better tomorrow. Your ankle will heal, as well as your soul.

 

Start the process. You dont have to finish in 1 day. Stop giving excuses

 

So much this. ^ Symbolic to the point of screaming aloud.

 

Call a girlfriend to help, or use a rolling chair if you must. Just start packing. Call lawyers and schedule some free consultations. Look into where to move. There is a lot to do and a fair amount of it can be done with one bum leg. None of us including myself can give you medical advise but one can work around a sprain and move forward in your escape from your abuser.

[preraph]

Get someplace else to live, get an attorney, and get out before he's served. He's dangerous. Contact a women's shelter for advice. They might even have space, but if nothing else they know exactly what needs to be done and in what order. If you don't have one in your town, call a hotline. There's some posted right at the top of the "Abuse" category or you can google "domestic violence."

[Doublegold]

Please break free of this abusive Marriage. It is hard to take the steps forward but you must. Things will only get worse. I know, I have been there. For well over two decades. It wasn't everyday, it wasn't every year--but it happened. And it was ugly. And our children saw it. It stopped when he became sober at about 15 yrs of Marriage. But the resentment inside of me grew and grew.

 

Left him at 25 yrs, divorced two years after thru mediation. Our grown kids are great and he and I get along well also and we all gather as a family for Birthdays and Holidays, and weekends we often find ourselves hanging with our kids.

 

The resentment that you have building inside you will never go away if you stay. Believe me when I say this. Start a new life, come to the East Coast--life is good here. Believe in yourself. You can do this.

 

Take care and good luck.

[learning to breathe]

 

Today I was laying in bed feeling helpless and down. i hate knowing my ankle got twisted when i had my mind made up the week prior and i was prepared to just leave and then boom there goes my ankle. Then my friend started texting me and then i called him to talk instead of texting and he was just reassuring to keep my head on straight and dont give up.

 

I was certain i wasnt going to stay in bed all day. i hate not doing anything, im always busy and i like to keep my mind that way. so i got up out of bed and started to put away my things and i feel really happy about that. other than worrying about my job and workers comp, i will be out of work for awhile and i feel like this is obviously my opportunity to go to the courthouse to finally sit with someone and figure out how to start a divorce.

 

i've also been looking into apartments that are across the street from where i work so i am happy about that.

 

today he came home from work, he does work long hours and graveyard, and i know hes tired, and our cat wasnt listening to him but a cat is a cat and the cat and he went off on it. im just like really? you are just giving me reasons to stay away from you. after he that he went down stairs for 2 hours he came upstairs because he wanted to talk. so we talked and he just kept calling me babe and yadda yadda and i stopped him telling him we are not anything. i am not your wife. i haven't been just as you have not been my husband.

 

i let him know how my mind is, how i am not a piece of trash, how for the past 10 years that although i stood with him i really did love him i was for him, and i made excuses for him, tried to justify that being hit and him saying sorry after was fine and i lost myself to him for him. and i let him know i cannot live for him anymore. i am living for me. i have to and i cannot turn back.

 

after i let him know about that, he just kept telling me that i need to stop reminding him of what he has done to me, and i was like then stop telling me that you love me still and calling me babe because that's not what i want and you do not deserve to have that right. although i forgive him, i have scar tissue.

 

who does that? like i feel like i have been a great wife, i cook, clean, made sure that he was taken care of, made conversation (tried to at least most of the time he wasnt listening and he was just playing games) see how his day was , even worked full time multiple times as he had no work supporting both of us etc. and then he feels like he has the authority to tell me how to feel and not to bring out the pain he has caused me? i have the right, he doesnt. i told him i felt lost and now after 10 years im finally opening up, i finally feel free, i feel i want to be different, i want a new life.

 

yes i started to talk to my EA but going through my uncle passing, going to the cemetary to visit my mom, going through family problems of course im going to start to have feelings towards him, i welcomed it and i accepted it. was it right? no because im still a married woman but i dont feel like it because our spiritual bond is broken and it had been since the day he put his hands on me.

 

doublegold thank you for sharing your story. it has given me a lot of insight. i have gone to marriage counseling, and i have gone alone. he didnt go with me because he felt like no one can help him, and he wasnt open to it. then when i would go and came back home he would say how come you didnt invite me? im like really? i did and youve never said anything before. i just hate that.

 

but after writing everything now. i understand. i have made my choice. i am leaving, i have nothing here anyway. and i am leaving because of me. because i want to live a beautiful life that i am not getting here. i know that life is not perfect and relationships have ups and downs but to be abused is absolutely wrong. and i understand that now, even if he doesnt.

 

im still learning.

xoxo

learning to breathe.

[redrock1]

Thank you for the update, learning to breathe. I'm glad some of these replies were encouraging to you, but I'm sorry things are still so rough in your marriage. It sounds like you've gone the extra mile to seek counseling and try to work through the issues you shared. But, I know it's hard if your spouse isn't on board with working on your relationship, as well. So, I'll continue to keep you in my prayers as you move forward. Keep us posted on how things go, OK?

[66Charger]

How are you doing. Is everything ok?

[learning to breathe]

:love:Thank you for asking how I am. That really means a lot to me.

66Charger. I have been great err, well (this is going to take long to write) but there are things going on. when he (husband) were to ask a question I would answer it back gently and calm even though there is a riff between us. So when he would ask a question that always ends up leading to him saying he loves me and wants to be with me... and I always tell him that is not what I want anymore and you know this and he like tries to force how he feels on me to make me feel bad.

 

I just told him lets pray. I want to pray for you and your health and I hope you get better sleep because I know you have been struggling and etc and then he prayed saying he wants me in his life he loves me and he will change you know the usual. and Sunday was actually okay. I felt peace for me that I have come this far and putting how I feel aside and praying for someone who doesn't care for me. its tough but worth it.

 

I have been writing little prayers about how our life is as of late and just pray for him and For God to help me just finally get over everything and move on.....

 

Well come Monday, I went to the doctors to get a check up on my ankle, stood there for 5 hours, came home he then texts me saying he needs the car because work called him in earlier than expected... he's exhausted and goes through his little tantrum saying I don't want to go to work, it sucks, they don't care about us (which they do over work everyone but it is a job and he knew what he was signing up for) anyway he left in a rush andddd guess what? He left his phone. LOL. I debated at this point if I should look at it and I was like hmmm why not after all he DOES have a lock on it.

 

He had given it (the pin) to me some time ago when he was driving and wanted me to call his mom. Anyway lo and behold, on his twitter, he had been direct messaging not one not two but 3 girls this whole time and this had been going on longer than me ever talking to my EA. Wayyyyyyyy before and it didn't surprise me because he has done this multiple times even before we were married.... (I know im dumb)

 

I found 20 pictures of one girl, 3 of another and just DM messages from another.... one girl actually lives here in CA so it makes my skin crawl to even think they met up.

 

He got home early morning because he works graveyard and when he comes home im already gone so he started texing me how are you and I was like I will call you, so I called and im like im okay how are you? and hes like im great I was like oh yeah? and hes like I left my phone here last night I was like yeah I noticed and I was like so how was work, it was okay. then I was like so like ive said before im going to start transferring things to just your name and hes like why and I was like wellllll, answer me this. do you have anything to tell me? and hes like no, and im like I will ask you ONE more time (in a calm voice) do you have something to tell me? He thought for a minute and said no. I said okay... He stood quiet again and said you went through my phone didn't you?

 

I laughed.

 

I said yeah, so if you knew you were doing something wrong (which you told me time and time again that you didn't have anything to tell me) why did you this wholeeeeeeeee time yell at me, scream at me, harass me, point fingers at me after I came clean to you about my EA who is now just my friend because I need time and I need to let him go until I find myself and until this divorce is over? and this wholeeeee time you were talking to 3 women (if not more)?????!!!!

 

that was the breaking point for me and since then I have almost completed my packing and I am currently in process of finding an apartment. I am also in process of getting my last name changed. I feel great about everything and there is NO turning back for me. and just like my EA told me he is only sorry because he got caught and he wouldn't have admitted to anything if he hadn't because look this had been going on for months! and he was right that's when it really really hit me! really hard. I cried, im not going to lie. I cried for me though not because of those women. But because of the pain I had gone through that I will never go through again. I wont let it. I cant.

 

to Redrock1 yes I have gone the extra mile to help, but its time to do me now, I feel more free than Ive ever felt in my life thank you SO SO much!

 

I will continue to keep you all posted on what is next in my life. I will post another post about something different soon. Although I don't know any of you I feel blessed to have you guys here with me. that's pretty cool. I understand there is always two sides to the story but this is mine and well he can tell his to whomever he'd like and I hope he finds that peace that I feel too. I am STRONG

 

xoxo

learning to breathe.

Edited September 16, 2015 by learning to breathe

[oldshirt]

Get a lawyer. Sit down with lawyer and work with him/her on what your post divorce life will look like and work out a divorce plan.

 

Do what lawyer says and follow divorce plan.

 

That's how you get a divorce.

 

 

A divorce is mechanical. It's doing the steps. It's doing one step after another untill the judge signs the final decree.

 

There will be twisted ankles along the way. Whether you achieve what you want or not depends on what you do when you twist your ankle. If you keep plugging along, you will achieve your goals.

 

If the twisted ankle, the broken thumbnail, the sick cat, the flat tire, the broken microwave, the sick relative, the bounced check etc all stop you from moving forward, then you will remain where you are.

 

Those things are always going to happen because they are real life. The people who achieve their goals do not have any less twisted ankles or sick cats or flat tires than anyone else.

 

They just keep moving forward.

[oldshirt]

.....and keep in mind you don't need your husbands consent, cooperation or buy-in to divorce.

 

If you want it, just do it. You don't need him to agree to it or to work with you on it like some kind of mutual project.

 

I wouldn't even worry about packing or apt hunting at this stage.

 

You NEED A LAWYER and you need to work out a plan with said lawyer and follow his/her guidance.

 

When your lawyer tells you to find an apt and pack your bags, then you find an apt and pack your bags.

 

Untill you have a lawyer and a divorce plan, don't do anything.

 

Lawyer is Step # 1.

 

The lawyer will give you Step #2 all the way to the final decree.

[learning to breathe]

Thank you oldshirt. You are right. The divorce is happening. i just feel like i have a lot on my mind and i need to get rid of a lot of things. I get what you are saying how divorce is mechanical. i want it to be that way. but i know there are going to be problems which is he wont sign papers which is fine because i will still get a divorce regardless.

 

im taking baby steps.

 

i havent talked to "him" or seen him in like 2 days and i feel like its more because he is ashamed at what he has done to me. and that is fine.

 

i just see it as while he is asleep, i am going/moving forward.

 

xoxo.

learning to breathe

[66Charger]

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

 

You prayed.

 

A phone just happen to appear.

 

Imagine that.

 

I believe you received the answer to your prayers.

 

Follow the path layed before you.

 

You must still hold the EA at bay. Break clean.(I doubt God said continue the EA while you are still married)

[learning to breathe]

66charger you are very much correct. i cannot serve both God and man. i must serve one and despise the other. and that is what i am doing.. i have feelings for my EA but i will keep them and him at bay, until i finalize things and get everything situated....

 

the other thing is my husband always brings up divorce.... but in the sense that God doesnt like the divorce and i was like of course not because of the pain it causes and he says that if i divorce him i can never get remarried and so on..... ive been hurt so much in this marriage it is crazy and i firmly believe the Lord doesnt give you anything you cannot handle but this here, its like nothing i do or say matters.

 

the last thing i want to do is let God down. i truly dont want to....

 

i just cant....

[66Charger]

Wait a second. One of the 10 commandments is though shalt not commit adultry. And another speaks of coveting. The bible also CLEARLY allows divorce for adultry and 20 pictures of a different woman other than his wife is adultry. I dont intend to speak for God and I certainly am not a messenger, however I can read.

 

You may be letting him down with your EA, but not for a divorce from a man who struck you.....several times...think about that.

 

Of course you can remarry. Who is telling you that? Aman/woman of God or your cheating husband?

 

Better get a second opinion.

Edited September 17, 2015 by 66Charger

[Popsicle]

Actually, the Bible allows for divorce in the case of adultery.

[66Charger]

Learning. Could you look at a post on the infidelity thread? The post is" would any of you stay for the children". This woman was beat by her husband and is contemplating staying. If anyone can be of assistance, it is you. Please read and write

[warshaw]

Actually, the Bible allows for divorce in the case of adultery.

 

Even if it doesn't no worries. The Bible specifically prohibits homosexuality but gay Christians don't give it a second thought and they're not worried about going to HELL.