Abandoned and Alone in the UK

[Peta_23]

Hi everyone

 

My husband recently left our home. Even though none of us has mentioned divorce it's clear that this is a separation.

 

I have been in the UK for 3 months now. I very recently sold everything (car, house) and left close friends and community I had in the states and moved over here to be with him. Even though we've been together 10 years and probably lived together for a total of 5 in many different places, we have only been married for 1 1/2 years now and we did not live together for most of last year (04) due to preparations for the move and other (lost job) factors. We got married in the US.

 

My husband now says that he does not love me anymore and cannot live with me. He refuses to give any reasons to what led to this so as you can understand I am beside myself. He moved back to his parents’ house and has left me alone for the past three weeks in a town where I know no one and have no support structure at all. The few times we have talked I have tried my best to reconcile but to no avail. I have cried and gone through the most painful mental anguish these past few weeks, not eaten slept or had the energy to cope with anything while experiencing pain of this magntude.

 

Here on my own, having been through all the emotions and denial, it is starting to sink in that I may never be able to fix this. I cannot fathom the cruelty coming from this man whom I have loved for so long. I do not want to get divorced but I feel that it is necessary to get prepared for the worst as I would not be able to cope with any more surprises and I am afraid of resorting to hurting myself because of not thinking clearly.

 

Can anyone give me some advice on if I should be looking for a lawyer in the UK and if anyone has been through something similar, Or cut my losses and go back to the states and look for a lawyer there sooner then later (even if I am returning to nothing). Any idea on UK marriage laws if married in the states? Any entitlement to financial support or any information on how I can cope with this is appreciated.

 

Any encouragement is also welcome. I feel very abandoned and alone.

[moimeme]

I'm afraid I have no advice to offer on legal matters in the UK or US but just wanted to say how sorry I am this has happened to you. There's pretty much nothing you can do when a person refuses to communicate, unfortunately. You did the best you could on good faith - you were brave to leave your life behind and move but it shows you've got the stuff you need to survive this and go on to thrive.

[Peta_23]

Thank you for your encouragement.

I'm really trying to see if there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

bleary eyed at the moment.

[dgiirl]

Hi Peta

 

I am also very sorry you're going through this pain. I know first hand how much it hurts to have your husband just walk out and leave with no chance of reconciliation or signs of communication which led up to his decision.

 

You are definitely thinking straight (as much as anyone can during such an event). I don't know the laws either in the UK or the US, but I strongly suggest you see a lawyer for at least an initial consultation in the UK and ask them for their advice. It's weird that my husband was the one to leave, and I was the one to see the lawyer first. But it helped me protect myself and know my rights. I got all my financial situation in order, made sure he couldn't create any debts for me after he left, and wanted to know what he could do regarding our house. After I got all that done, I started counselling. With both of these, I was able to relax a little, and I'm starting to think more clearly. Do not make any rash decisions when you are emotional. Give yourself time to heal. It's been 3 months since my husband left. I've tried as much as possible to work things out with him. At this point, I've said everything that needed to be said, and I'm implementing NC (no contact). My heart aches too much when I have to talk to him and I need this time to heal.

 

One thing that's helped me is praying for strength to get through it. I don't know if you believe in a religion. I'm not a strong follower, but I do believe in a God. And I think that request for strength was answered. Just know you will get through this. It takes time and patience (one i have very little of), but it will get better.

 

Have faith and protect yourself!

[Peta_23]

Thanks dgiirl

 

I shall do my best to see a lawyer as soon as possible here in the UK.

 

My husband would call over the past few weeks and come over to force me to go shopping and get food making it look like he cared (even though he said that he does not love me) I have not been able to eat and everything goes in the garbage bin. Mid last week I told him not to call, come over or try and contact me as I had to spend time on my own and sort out what was going on with ME. After telling him that he became overly concerned, so I rushed the call and got off the phone.

 

I suppose that he is feeling more secure knowing that I am here on my own in this remote rural village with no car and no one. I just can't believe that even though the decision was his, I cannot help but think that this is just another way that he is trying to control me and the situation.

 

I feel so hopeless and I am trying to see the end of this and heal but there is also a lot of anger within my that I'm terrified will come out at some point. I feel like punishing him so bad and have thought of countless ways, but when I reach the bottom of the barrel of revenge thoughts I remember that I am still in love with the Ars*h*le. How can I be in love with someone who is capable of doing this to me?

[dgiirl]

I know exactly how you feel about still loving him after all the hurt he's put you through. I'm in the same boat. I also had to go through my anger phrase, and I probably still have more to go through, but I keep telling myself that the best revenge is to leave him with his guilt. Try not to say anything to him in anger, as it will only re-emphasis his reasons for leaving. If everything that he's told me is true, I don't want him to have reasons for leaving, I want him to feel guilty. My husband also played the "caring and sensitive" role. I really don't know what the truth is, but I cant let myself fall for his caring. Right now, I see him being caring because he's trying to overcome his own guilt. He's doing everything for purely selfish reasons.

 

In time, I will know the truth. I don't need to hear it from him because I don't believe a thing he says. He's told me extremely hurtful things, and I honestly don't think a person could actually do what he said he did.

 

If you're having a really difficult time, like I was, I strongly suggest counselling for yourself. It helped me focus on my real emotions. I've been able to see things that I did to destroy the relationship, it's also given me hope for my future (w/ or w/o him). The first few months have been extremely difficult on me, but I'm getting up each and every day, getting dressed, and going to work. It's a huge accomplishment. I'm going out with co-workers because I never made any friends where I live. (I moved to this city to be with him). I'm also contacting my friends back home. I use the phone and email and they've been extremely supportive. When the emotions hit, and you are close to depression, call a friend! It really really does help! I never thought I'd be able to smile, but I'm having moments in my day where I'm by myself and I'm in peace with everything around me.

[Peta_23]

dgiirl,

 

I know that I am going through this and I am in the painfullest (is that a word?) stage, but I feel for you too and hope that in time you will heal completely and meet someone who not just deserves you but truly adores you forever. Your support is invaluable at this time for me.

 

I will seek counselling this week. I'm looking for sources on the web and also for a lawyer. I wish that I was working just to keep my mind off what is going on but I can't even do that yet cause of legalities. I have a return ticket back to the states in june which I originally bought to go and see my friends and tie up some loose ends. It looks like I shall be using that to go back and start over now. That gives me just over two more weeks in this country to keep myself occupied

 

My mind has been running a million miles a minute. I've also been thinking of moving to california being that I have been on the east coast for 5 years before moving here and and I just feel that if I can increase the distance further (not running away but) it will give me the resolve to really try and heal and forget the past 10 years of my life with this Bu*t*ead. The change in the environment would help me tremendously so I am looking at what cities would be good to move to. I have to find that that strengthens me.

 

I am not hurting finacially as he said that he did not want anything to do with the money that we made on selling the condo we owned. He said that since I put all the effort into it I should keep the money and this could be one of the causes that he chose to hurt me so badly. Now I will do so gladly, and try and rebuild my life again. He had such a lack of responsibility on his part, not paying or helping with the mortgage, bills etc. and that was one of the major reasons that I came here ....so that we could do it together from scratch without him having to feel so D*MN insecure about not being able to get it together.

 

My family have been very supportive and are continuing to pray for my peace of mind. I have been to a church in the next town via taxi and spoke (rather cried for ages) to the priest there which was very comforting. At the end of the day when all the thoughts come rushing back I thank God that I have been able to fall asleep faster then I ever have been able to so he must be listening and watching over me.

 

 

The brave WOMman is not She who feels no fear, For that were stupid and irrational; But She, whose noble soul its fear subdues, And bravely dares the danger nature shrinks from"

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by Peta_23

I know that I am going through this and I am in the painfullest (is that a word?) stage, but I feel for you too and hope that in time you will heal completely and meet someone who not just deserves you but truly adores you forever. Your support is invaluable at this time for me.

 

Omg, now you have me crying lol Thank you for those kind words.

 

 

I will seek counselling this week. I'm looking for sources on the web and also for a lawyer. I wish that I was working just to keep my mind off what is going on but I can't even do that yet cause of legalities. I have a return ticket back to the states in june which I originally bought to go and see my friends and tie up some loose ends. It looks like I shall be using that to go back and start over now. That gives me just over two more weeks in this country to keep myself occupied

 

Having a goal of moving back home really will help. I'm focusing on my life because I will be going back home too. I still have a lot of the legalities to settle here, and sell the house and stuff, but during my darkest times, I just think about what life will be like back home with my friends. It's like a new city to me since I haven't been there in over 8 years. I'm very nervous about the whole thing, but excited at the possibilities of how life will turn out. You just have to look at things from a different perspective. I keep saying to myself, he made the decision, but I'm going to make it right.

 

 

My family have been very supportive and are continuing to pray for my peace of mind. I have been to a church in the next town via taxi and spoke (rather cried for ages) to the priest there which was very comforting. At the end of the day when all the thoughts come rushing back I thank God that I have been able to fall asleep faster then I ever have been able to so he must be listening and watching over me.

 

Like you, my mind was racing. I was in a panic to get everything resolved. And realistically, you cant put yourself through that much stress. If it is at all possible, spend some time with your family before making any decisions on where you want to live. If your financial situation is ok, then take a time out. If you cant spend the money on yourself now, you will in the future with medical bills. I'm taking things slow. I'm about to lose my job, husband, house, move to a new city, find a new job and apartment. It's way too much for me, and I honestly do not need to do it all in one month. I'm taking things slow. I think it's good for you to go back to your family (maybe there you can get some counselling?). Take a few months rest with them, and then start to slowly plan your future. If you really want to go to California, it'll still be there in a few months.

[Peta_23]

dgiirl

 

I did go home for a few weeks within the 3 month period I have been here and the reason I came back was because he actually told me on the phone that he didn’t love me. (What a Blow when you are over 6000 miles apart) That plane ride was the longest in my life. Just to get back here and have to go through seeing that he had already moved out half his things and was completely oblivious to my pain. In the past three weeks I have seen him 4 times. I have been here on my own the rest of the time.

 

I was not able to relax at home at all and I was irritable because I knew something was really off. My family actually suggested that it would be best to come back and try and sort things out. I will go back home soon but if I did now it would be to weep and feel sorry fro myself so I am choosing to get strong whatever it takes and I am going to survive this!

 

Come stress or High water I am going to get through this mess, take the hand of the only man worthy of being called a King (talking 'bout Jesus) and get through this valley of darkness and if I can help it, I'll ask him if we can sprint to the finish. After all, he died and took all this pain even before it happened so the only one disillusioned in all of this is me at the moment.

 

Now here is something that may help you. The priest told me to look at it this way …..

 

 

 

Top : Christ died for the sins of man ...right?

 

 

Middle : Here is the mess we create as humans

 

 

Bottom: Here is where you are standing

 

 

 

The only mistake we make (and I know this is hard because we like to hold on to the pain) is that we try to get through the mess not realising that all we have to do is ask for the mess (we are currently in) to be removed so that we can live like we were supposed to.

 

Free will ....your choice ...Mess or Clarity ? and a bit of a jog through the valley of darkness to get to the light?

 

A time out is exactly what I need. THANK YOU for stressing that sweetie, and I shall use the next month to get counseling, get centered and find a place to relocate to slowly. Florida just does not do it for me anymore. Too many bad memories and the mess that I resuse to hold on to.

 

So have faith, reach out , grab that hand and don't let go.

When the emotions resurface ...REPEAT !

[meanon]

peta, while you may want to get some information about where you may stand in relation to the legal status of your marriage, it doesn't sound like you wish to take legal action yourself yet.

I am afraid of resorting to hurting myself because of not thinking clearly.

Seeing lawyers without knowing what you want to achieve can be a distressing, confusing and costly business.

I found it very unsettling the first time I went (maybe because I chose one that wasn't very good). Are you sure this is the best time? Generally, you only need to involve a lawyer if you wish to end a marriage and are not able to do so by agreement. It doesn't sound like you are at that stage yet.

 

You can get a lot of information on the net. The citizens advice are very good and they also have a network of offices throughout the country, you can phone them or make an appointment to see them. You'll see from this link that a divorce can only be obtained here if the marriage is recognised and if you meet the residency rules. Citizens Advice will also give you information on many of the other questions you have, being alone in a foreign country. An American friend I went to Uni with called them almost every day

 

If you do go ahead and see a lawyer, many offer free initial consultations. If you are on a very low income you may qualify for legal aide for subsequent visits.

 

You'll be home soon amongst your loved ones. Until then, take care.

[Peta_23]

Thank you so much for the information meanon

You are right because the last thing I want is my marriage to end but I must also face reality and know that if it does come to that I must prepare myself because I don't want this pain to erupt over again.

I am so very appreciative of all the support.

 

Hangin in there

peta

[meanon]

I'm getting separated too. That's bad enough, can't imagine how much worse it would be on your own in a foreign country.

 

I found a site for Americans in the UK who want to keep in touch with people in a similar position, far from home. There's even a thread where you can rant about English husbands . I hope you make some friends there

 

http://talk.uk-yankee.com/

[westernxer]

Regarding marriage laws, that's why God created lawyers.

[Peta_23]

Found out that he's having an affair late last night

I'm devastated.

[Auz]

Peta,

 

I have absolutely no experience in what you are going through. However, if you are alone and need good people to talk to, or be around there is one option you might consider.

 

As you seem to believe in God, go to the local church and find out when they have their Bible meetings, informal get togethers or pizza nights - whatever, and go along to one of them. One thing Ive found from these meetings (the few that ive been dragged to:P) is that the people there are always warm and welcoming to new comers. It'll give you a chance to be among 'good' people, and maybe take some stress off you for an hour or two. You may find someone who'll be able to help you out, be it giving you an ear to listen to, or a friend who will give you a lift to the next town if you ever need one. I dont mean to sound like a religous zealot or anything, but 99% of people at my church will lend a hand to someone who needs it. And if they are weekly meetings etc, it will give you some thign to look forward to, to help you slowly get through each week. Parishes often have someone driving around to visit the elderly and sick, that may be able to give you a lift somewhere.

 

Phone whoever runs the meetings, say you are interested in attending etc etc, so when you turn up they will be able to introduce you to others and you wont feel as awkward as turning up out of the blue.

 

This may be hard, but if you do go, let people know that you are going through a hard time. I dont mean stand on the table and yell it out, but people arent mind readers - if they dont know you have a problem, then they cant offer their help. If someone asks 'how you doing?' then tell them that things could be better etc etc. If people know you could do with some help, then they're able to offer it.

 

It aint much advice, but it may make life a bit easier..

 

Auz

[meanon]

Sorry to read this, Peta . I thought that was what was happening but hoped I was wrong. You need the comfort of friends and family right now. Maybe you should think about going home early. You can sort all this out later, when you are stronger and have people around who will provide the support you need. The consulate may make the arrangements if you don't feel up to it yourself. Please let us know how you are and PM me if I can help.

[dgiirl]

I'm sorry to hear that Peta These men piss me off. My husband too left saying he doesnt love me anymore. I asked him if there was another woman, he denied it. A few days after he left, he tells me there is. Cowards!

 

Take good care of yourself and if you ever need to rant i'm listening