Should I leave my wife?

[TX-SC]

She cheated, then you cheated. Sounds lik a screwed up marriage. End it and move on, but take care of the kids.

[autumnnight]

The first thing you need to do is this - separate her affair that she confessed to 3 years ago from your affair that you are currently in.

 

You are responsible for your own actions. We say all the time that no marital problem justifies and A. That includes this - unless we are giant hypocrites.

 

She confessed, she worked, she showed remorse, etc.

 

3 years later you are in an affair, in love, and are considering leaving. Don't fool yourself into thinking your actions are less bad than hers just because "she went first." This is not a kindergarten playground.

 

You have 3 real choices:

 

1. Own, up, show the fortitude your wife did and confess and commit to your marriage

 

2. Leave your wife, go be with the other woman, assuage your guilt by saying it was all your wife's fault

 

3. Keep lying and cheating

[qubist]

The first thing you need to do is this - separate her affair that she confessed to 3 years ago from your affair that you are currently in.

 

You are responsible for your own actions. We say all the time that no marital problem justifies and A. That includes this - unless we are giant hypocrites.

 

She confessed, she worked, she showed remorse, etc.

 

3 years later you are in an affair, in love, and are considering leaving. Don't fool yourself into thinking your actions are less bad than hers just because "she went first." This is not a kindergarten playground.

 

You have 3 real choices:

 

1. Own, up, show the fortitude your wife did and confess and commit to your marriage

 

2. Leave your wife, go be with the other woman, assuage your guilt by saying it was all your wife's fault

 

3. Keep lying and cheating

I like this It's amazing how it's easy for people involved in A to find excuses in his case it was even easier OH she cheated before.

OP your A has absolutely nothing to do with your W it is just you. unless you stop the A you will never be able to make whaterver right decision you need to make

[AaronG]

On my (now) husband's end. His wife had an affair and he found out after it had ended by circumstance. He confronted and was told it is over, move on, etc. So he dove into work and life went on and he was staying together until the kids were adults. A couple years later we started our affair. After a year he was working on separating when there was a dday and he laid everything out to her about our relationship, etc. They separated and the divorced. We have since then married. But her having an affair did not negate her emotions on finding out about his. Nor did it change her "scorched earth" tactic in the following months. So I caution you, either way, that her having had an affair will change her emotions or actions finding out about yours.

 

I am thinking of the same thing. If she finds out or I tell her about the affair, she may well want divorce herself. And that can be a very ugly divorce. Its better if I leave before anything comes out and do the divorce as amicably as possible. I seriously don't love her anymore. People telling me to confess and work in MC. But I don't know if it will work. In my mind the relationship with my wife is dead.

 

The way I see it, there are two options left for me:

1) Take a break from the affair but also separate from my wife and go to IC to evaluate my mind

 

2) Leave my wife and file for divorce.

[fellini]

Well first begin by recognising that you called what she did

 

cheating

 

 

You called what you are doing, now, knowing the PAIN ...:

 

an extramarital affair.

[afoolto no end]

I agree with trusted, your not thinking straight, you have a family, you don't love your wife because you didn't commit that is the real truth when trying to recover.

you use her affair as a excuse to have your affair, wrong, your suppose to be better than that as a human being, you know affairs hurt people badly, are you ready to hurt your wife, your kids, you extended families for what a 6 month tramp. Trusted is right she has no respect for marriage or family.

You have a chance here to turn this around..........marriage are hard ..you can't just bail like the world all seems to be doing these days.

[AaronG]

If you divorce be honest about it and divorce because it's the right thing to do not because someone has influenced your decision.

 

She is not influencing my decision. I don't even talk about our marriage to her and neither she asks except that she wants me to make a decision and she has completely fallen for me. It hurts her that I can be so selfish and string her along. It hurts me too when she says this because its not my intention. But I also tell her, if not for my daughters this would have been so much easier.

 

Before my affair, me and my wife just had a stable life. We were good parents, took care of things, talked about our daymade love - but its all like a daily chore. The specialness died long ago when she told me she had cheated.

 

This is why I didn't want to know.

[AaronG]

"I hope you'll be okay with the likelihood of another man in your kids like down the line"

 

^^This is called emotional blackmail.

 

I don't care if my wife marries again as long as I am present in my daughters lives. They will always have a place in my home.

 

I grew up in a divorced family. Its not all doom and gloom. My mother remarried two times. But I have a great relationship with my father, as do my siblings. Infact, my father is my second best friend. Though I shared with him my wife infidelity (he was supportive when I said I wanted to reconcile), I have still not revealed my affair. I am sure he will be understanding because he knows feelings can change.

[AaronG]

Well first begin by recognising that you called what she did

 

cheating

 

 

You called what you are doing, now, knowing the PAIN ...:

 

an extramarital affair.

 

What do you even mean?

[AaronG]

you don't love your wife because you didn't commit that is the real truth when trying to recover.

 

Just because she confessed doesn't prove she loves me either. She says I am distancing myself yet she does nothing to bring us close - like going out together, cuddling while watching Tv, initiating sex, etc

 

Maybe I am a convinience for her she doesn't want to lose

[qubist]

1) Take a break from the affair but also separate from my wife and go to IC to evaluate my mind

 

2) Leave my wife and file for divorce.

I think IMO you should go with 1) that will allow you to consider both options. I would be honest with both women and not rush to any decision yet. you said in another post that your AP has no affect on your decision to leave your wife, I really disagree, the A itself put you in a cloud wher you really can't judge. we have seen it many times.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Just because she confessed doesn't prove she loves me either. She says I am distancing myself yet she does nothing to bring us close - like going out together, cuddling while watching Tv, initiating sex, etc

 

Maybe I am a convinience for her she doesn't want to lose

 

 

And have you expressed these feelings to your wife?

 

Not discussing the affair and how much turmoil it causes internally for both parties does nothing to improve ones relationship.

 

Most if not darn near all WS....even BS turned WS...have poor conflict resolution skills. If not addressed, they bring the same dynamic into any future relationships.

 

I know one poster said your wife has done the "work" and has remorse....but you have not said anything that she has done beyond confessing, some MC and increased sex for a while.

 

The onus was on her to seek help in moving forward from her position.

 

The onus was on you to seek help in moving forward from your position.

 

Bringing a third party into your life was unfair to everyone.

 

Your priority should be dealing with your marriage/family. Seeking an unbiased opinion/help from a trained professional is what a healthy individual would do.

 

Take one step in the right direction towards being a healthy adult. Your children need you to do this.

[Sassy Girl]

If those two options are all you can come up with then I say number 1

 

The rest is all just cowardly and dishonest. I suppose that's ok - if that's the man you want to be.

[road]

She is not influencing my decision. ............... except that she wants me to make a decision ..............I can be so selfish and string her along. ..........when she says this ........But I also tell her, if not

 

Before my affair, me and my wife just had a stable life. We were good parents, took care of things, talked about our daymade love - but its all like a daily chore. The specialness died long ago when she told me she had cheated.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah sure you and the OW never talk, she is not influencing your decision except, for, but, almost, maybe.

 

 

Things are dead between you and your BW.

 

 

Why?

 

 

You date your OW you do not date your BW.

You do romantic things with the OW and not your BW.

You take the OW out to romantic dinners, and not your BW.

You let your marriage go stale. Then took the easy fix using an OW.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I grew up in a divorced family...My mother remarried two times.

 

 

Break the cycle. Really.

 

Infidelity is very destructive, but it's something that almost everyone who is in a relationship long enough will have to deal with some day. Sad truth? It's just a part of life.

 

You show me 10 happy, elderly, married couples, and I will bet you half of them have gotten through this, and are damn glad they did, for their own sake and the sake of their children.

 

Or do what mom and dad did, and hope for the best. You think their divorce didn't have any impact on you...but look at yourself. About to walk out on a baby and a toddler.

 

And believe me...it's walking out.

[BlueBlood]

What do you even mean?

 

He/she means when your wife did it it was this big bad crime: cheating. When you do it? It's a far less visceral word altogether, whitewashed, and more civilized sounding.

[TrustedthenBusted]

She is not influencing my decision. I don't even talk about our marriage to her and neither she asks

 

If this is even partly true....she doesn't even really know you.

[mittendweller63]

Hi.

I’m sorry your marriage has gotten to this point and I understand from experience how hurt you must have been by your wife’s affair. Even though it’s been three years, I can hear from your post the pain you still carry by your wife’s confession.

I’d like to lead with some hope in assuring you that things can be good again in your marriage despite the current circumstances. I applaud you for rising up from the pain you were going through three years ago to seek counseling. That took a lot of strength to put aside your hurt and work to keep your family together. You have the opportunity to take that path again, and you have the hindsight to recognize how things did cool down again and be prepared for that this time.

Another thing that you addressed in your post is your daughters. I can tell from you mentioning them here, and expressing your dread of breaking up your family that you love them and want to do what’s best for them. Research shows and my own experience after my divorce follows that children thrive in an unbroken home. There’s a lot that needs to be considered if you should decide to divorce; visitation, decision-making, conflict management, the tug-of-war over holidays and special events, and step-parent influences are but a few of the things that make things difficult for them.

Again, marriages can thrive and become even stronger as couples work through issues. As tough as it may seem for your heart right now, I encourage you to remove yourself from the other woman and seek marriage counseling again. I can't tell you what to do about confessing your affair to your wife, but either way it's important to check your motives. I once heard on a call in radio show the advice that ‘confessing helps the confessor more than the person being confessed to,’ and it sounds like you would agree to that. But this host followed it up with another bit of good advice, ‘put the energy that you are using with the other person instead towards your spouse.’

I wish you and your family the best.

[Robert]

Thread reopened with the reminder to post in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, etc. etc.

 

For all posters reference:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/guidelines/#civility

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/administrative-hosts-only/alerted-posts/announcement-site-wide-individual-group-berating-policy-78.html

Edited September 11, 2015 by Robert
thread reopened ~6

[Got it]

Aaron, go into therapy and let the therapist guide you. I can't tell you if divorcing is the right decision for you or not. I do caution you that it is hard to not have the affair exposed during a divorce. My AP/husband tried to keep it separated but as he never really tried to hide it, it wasn't hard to discover.

 

It is really one thing to leave someone because you are done and another when there is someone else in the picture. It really doesn't matter how much you try and argue the prior the whole focus is the latter.

 

Talk to an attorney about your risks and exposure and the therapist on how best to handle things.

 

Everyone must walk this path differently and what works for one isn't the same for someone else.

 

I will say I have never regretted divorcing. It was absolutely the best decision for us. My ex is a great guy and he is so much happier in his marriage than he was with me. I am so happy for him and so glad to hear about the great things that have come to him. But we didn't have kids or anything to fight over.

 

You have to be able to sleep with yourself every night and have to be comfortable with your conversations with your kids. Use those to guide you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It is not realistic to compare a 7 month part time relationship to a 7 year full time relationship because in 7 years your part time relationship won't be much different. Relationships change over time, as the newness wears off other feelings mature. In your scenario you'll be changing partners every year to keep the feeling of newness. Be honest with everyone. Get rid of the friends that introduced you to your girlfriend, they are not friends of your marriage. Seriously, get help before you completely destroy what you have. If you divorce be honest about it and divorce because it's the right thing to do not because someone has influenced your decision.

 

I understand what you're saying about relationships evolving over time but having been in more than one long term relationship I'd have to say that each one was very different than the others especially in the long term.

 

For me, the beginnings of the relationships were more similar but as they matured some became much deeper with more chemistry and some lost their luster. Depends among other things on the depth and caring of the people involved.

[TX-SC]

Some are saying the wife's affair has no bearing on his. IMHO, that's rather naive. He said that he started to lose his love for his wife after the affair. That's not uncommon. And, false R is not uncommon. There was a post a while back from a R that lasted 5-6 years then he finally gave up and divorced. Granted, the affair is WRONG but to say there is no relationship... I just don't buy it. His affair is an exit affair and he knows it.

 

Your wife betrayed you and she lost your respect. You then lost your love. It's not unheard of. But, go ahead and divorce. Stop cheating and lying. Separate, file, then start your new life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just because she confessed doesn't prove she loves me either. She says I am distancing myself yet she does nothing to bring us close - like going out together, cuddling while watching Tv, initiating sex, etc

 

Maybe I am a convinience for her she doesn't want to lose

 

AaronG, don't know how you are in real life but you come across as dispassionate and emotionally distant in your posts. Not a whole lot of anger when your W cheated, not a whole lot of guilt over your A and not much empathy for your OW, stuck in limbo.

 

Are you conflict avoidant in your marriage? As others have pointed out, the hard work of repair and forgiveness was left undone. And now that you've seamlessly moved from BS to WS, even more mental gymnastics required to function on a daily basis. Emotional whiplash a real possibility.

 

We're it me, lots I'd want to understand before I made any major decisions. Doesn't seem you're standing on the solid ground from which good choices are made...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AaronG]

Break the cycle. Really.

 

I am under no compulsion to change the societal norms. People having been leaving each other to start new relationships for millenium. And they will continue to do so long after I am gone.

 

Besides what would I get by not leaving my wife other than an intact home and miserable life where I will always regret not taking the chance at happiness? I will have no statues of me erected or earn my name in the pages of history books. They elderly couples you speak of - did they get these things?

 

Life is too short to live miserably and always regret.

[qubist]

I am under no compulsion to change the societal norms. People having been leaving each other to start new relationships for millenium. And they will continue to do so long after I am gone.

 

Besides what would I get by not leaving my wife other than an intact home and miserable life where I will always regret not taking the chance at happiness? I will have no statues of me erected or earn my name in the pages of history books. They elderly couples you speak of - did they get these things?

 

Life is too short to live miserably and always regret.

Aaron, you are missing his point. we all agree that you have the right to leave if you choose to, we are just trying to point out 2 things;

1- cheating is not the proper way to do it

2- your feelings toward both woman is affected by the A so before you make whatever you think is right for you take a break from it first.

 

your W made a mistake but you agreed to forgive her, so your current A can't be justified, it might be somehow explained or related to her A but in my opinion you should treat her better than this. it is better if you just Divorce and go away.

you are right life is too short, let's not live in lies.

I do believe that you can be happy with either choice as long as you are in peace with your decision