Should I leave my wife?

[AaronG]

Why did you have another kid with her since you were not even sure you loved her enough to stay with her after her affair?

 

It was a surprise pregnancy. She comes to me and says she has missed one of her periods.

Now we both don't believe in abortion. So we had it.

[SummerDreams]

It was a surprise pregnancy. She comes to me and says she has missed one of her periods.

Now we both don't believe in abortion. So we had it.

 

Aaron I understand where you are coming from and if you had no kids I would tell you to leave your wife and do whatever makes you happy. I don't believe in vows or reconciliation, I think that people should stay together for as long as they are happy together and no rings or vows should tie a couple in an unhappy life. BUT you do have kids and they are both really young. Do you think it is wise that your toddler has only vague memories from her father? Do you realize that you obligate your kids to grow up with a step father in the best scenario and with a mother who changes men every week in the worst scenario? Don't you feel you have a responsibility for two kids who never asked to come to this world only to become the victims of their parents' mistakes?

 

No matter how good you plan of the co-parenting and how perfect kids end up growing up, there will always be some bitterness in their souls. Why did dad leave us for another woman?....

[Got it]

@Got it..... i don't have any anger towards her. Really. I am just indifferent to her.

 

But I do feel like I don't owe her anything. And you are right. For these 3 years it was my decision to stay. However that was. I am just frustrated I wasted 3 years. Frustrated at myself really. I should have left sooner, probably when I found out. In hindsight, I know it killed any feelings for her within me.

 

Okay, I understand that but it wasn't for nothing. Didn't you need to see for yourself how you felt about her after the affair? If you could reconcile? And to be in the family unit as long as possible? It wasn't a waste if you see the silver linings.

 

Compassion will never steer you wrong. She hurt you, but you have now (unknowingly) hurt her. We still have two hurt people. So be the person with the compassion and keep the big picture in mind. You are moving on with your separate life, the marriage will be behind you in a relatively short time frame. Keep that in mind.

 

My parents have been divorced since the kids became adults. Even with no financial requirements between them (as my father's income substantially increased well after the divorce), he has supported her financially. His reasoning, if he wasn't helping her than it would most likely fall on the kids so he does it to make the kids' lives' easier/happier. So we still do family holidays together, they actually have a better friendship than when married and the kids appreciate his approach. He has the money to do so and so has helped her out.

 

I have relayed the same to my husband who takes a similar approach with his ex and I expect we will even after the financial requirements are done. She is their mother, her earning income is far less due to their expressed/tacit agreement that she would work less, and so if she is comfortable, there is less stress on the kids and everyone is happier.

 

The best thing for your kids is for you two to have an amicable relationship in whatever fashion it can be done. That should be your focus now.

[Got it]

Aaron I understand where you are coming from and if you had no kids I would tell you to leave your wife and do whatever makes you happy. I don't believe in vows or reconciliation, I think that people should stay together for as long as they are happy together and no rings or vows should tie a couple in an unhappy life. BUT you do have kids and they are both really young. Do you think it is wise that your toddler has only vague memories from her father? Do you realize that you obligate your kids to grow up with a step father in the best scenario and with a mother who changes men every week in the worst scenario? Don't you feel you have a responsibility for two kids who never asked to come to this world only to become the victims of their parents' mistakes?

 

No matter how good you plan of the co-parenting and how perfect kids end up growing up, there will always be some bitterness in their souls. Why did dad leave us for another woman?....

 

This is not necessarily true. And one should not be held hostage in a marriage on fear mongering. His toddler will not have vague memories of her father if he doesn't disappear. That is ridiculous as he will/should have custody. And why is he responsible for his wife's dating practices for the rest of his life? He couldn't control it while married why should he continue to try because he is now contemplating divorce? His beliefs on her fidelity were obviously not heeded. That is her responsibility.

 

And no, there is not always bitterness in a child's soul from divorce. In fact it can be there from continuing the marriage (which is the case with myself and my siblings). Marriage and staying together is not the be all and end all.

[SummerDreams]

This is not necessarily true. And one should not be held hostage in a marriage on fear mongering. His toddler will not have vague memories of her father if he doesn't disappear. That is ridiculous as he will/should have custody. And why is he responsible for his wife's dating practices for the rest of his life? He couldn't control it while married why should he continue to try because he is now contemplating divorce? His beliefs on her fidelity were obviously not heeded. That is her responsibility.

 

And no, there is not always bitterness in a child's soul from divorce. In fact it can be there from continuing the marriage (which is the case with myself and my siblings). Marriage and staying together is not the be all and end all.

 

I would not take chances with my kid's well being.

[autumnnight]

I would not take chances with my kid's well being.

 

So no rings or vows but no divorce. Interesting logic.

[Got it]

I would not take chances with my kid's well being.

 

How does staying in the marriage not still risk the well being? How does having a child with ANYONE not put their well being at risk. The simple fact that both parents have equal rights to the kids means one parent could do things that are not in the kids best interest. And there is little the other parent can do to stop that.

 

Toxic parents, toxic relationships are toxic to kids. It is not the divorce or the marriage.

 

Matyring yourself is absolutely detrimental to the kids. That was my father's stance and we did not agree. It made for two very unhappy people who made it evident at home. Divorce brought peace and wonderful coparenting. Staying married was the worst decision.

 

And is this the advice given to individuals who are contemplating divorce where an affair on the OPs end is not a factor? I seem to think not.

Edited September 16, 2015 by Got it

[No Limit]

But I am not moving in with her. Obvious reasons - I do not want my wife to know I have a gf and that was reason for me moving out

 

The moment your wife drives the kids over to you to visit and she sees your GF she'll know anyway. You'll be the booman no matter what, but that shouldn't stop you. You know your marriage has been dead for a while (and I hope you've had your second child DNA tested).

[Got it]

The moment your wife drives the kids over to you to visit and she sees your GF she'll know anyway. You'll be the booman no matter what, but that shouldn't stop you. You know your marriage has been dead for a while (and I hope you've had your second child DNA tested).

 

What is a booman?

[AaronG]

Do you think it is wise that your toddler has only vague memories from her father? Do you realize that you obligate your kids to grow up with a step father in the best scenario and with a mother who changes men every week in the worst scenario? Don't you feel you have a responsibility for two kids who never asked to come to this world only to become the victims of their parents' mistakes?

 

I agree with you. They never asked to come to this mess that we both created. But an intact home can only be kept together if I sacrifice myself completely (or at some point my wife herself decides to divorce me). Because I have no enthusiasm to work on recreating the spark with her. This despite the fact my wife is better looking than my GF. But its my GF that I want to see everyday, be in presence with, watch the look in her eyes when we kiss. Not my wife.

 

No matter how good you plan of the co-parenting and how perfect kids end up growing up, there will always be some bitterness in their souls. Why did dad leave us for another woman?....

 

Ungrateful children are nothing new to me. I saw this with my sister.

 

My father was a real family man, a blue collar guy who sacrificed his every desire to fulfill the wishes of his children and wife (in that order). But when my mother remarried my rich stepfather 1, my sister had the audacity to say to my father "What have you ever done for me?" I remember the look on the poor man's face. Still he loved her so much he tried to keep a relationship with her. But less and less she wanted to see him and now they don't have any relationship.

 

I would rather hear such accusation after me being a little selfish than hear them when I have been completely selfless.

 

P.S.-My father always wanted to go to Europe. But never got the chance. If God willing, I will take him there someday.

[autumnnight]

I agree with you. They never asked to come to this mess that we both created. But an intact home can only be kept together if I sacrifice myself completely (or at some point my wife herself decides to divorce me). Because I have no enthusiasm to work on recreating the spark with her. This despite the fact my wife is better looking than my GF. But its my GF that I want to see everyday, be in presence with, watch the look in her eyes when we kiss. Not my wife.

 

 

 

Ungrateful children are nothing new to me. I saw this with my sister.

 

My father was a real family man, a blue collar guy who sacrificed his every desire to fulfill the wishes of his children and wife (in that order). But when my mother remarried my rich stepfather 1, my sister had the audacity to say to my father "What have you ever done for me?" I remember the look on the poor man's face. Still he loved her so much he tried to keep a relationship with her. But less and less she wanted to see him and now they don't have any relationship.

 

I would rather hear such accusation after me being a little selfish than hear them when I have been completely selfless.

 

P.S.-My father always wanted to go to Europe. But never got the chance. If God willing, I will take him there someday.

 

Aaron, there are quite a few married people here who have advised you. Divorce is a terrible thing, but I can testify that staying married and miserable can be JUST AS damaging to children. And as for your kids not knowing you...bullcrap. Most states have 50/50 custody, and unless you are unfit, you are NOT going to be kept from your children.

 

The people who say "stay married at all costs" to people have never been in a perpetually miserable situation for years on end. And if one doesn't believe in marriage at all, then marriage at all costs is even LESS logical.

 

What your really SHOULD do if you want to be a man of integrity is stop cheating, confess, and do whatever it takes to rebuild with your wife. But if you are not going to do that, don't paint a horrible picture of marriage as misery for your kids.

[AaronG]

What your really SHOULD do if you want to be a man of integrity is stop cheating, confess, and do whatever it takes to rebuild with your wife. But if you are not going to do that, don't paint a horrible picture of marriage as misery for your kids.

 

Sorry. Too late for that. I have announced to my wife my decision to separate. And I have no enthusiasm to rebuild anything with her.

[ShatteredLady]

You are a father! I think you've been damaged in your life. Please go back & edit this....

 

"Now we both don't believe in abortion. So we had it."

 

The Internet can be forever. What in your head makes it ok to say THAT about your child?? What if your wife finds this forum, prints it out & one day your child finds this "So we had it". REALLY!! please EDIT!

[Noideanow]

You are a father! I think you've been damaged in your life. Please go back & edit this....

 

"Now we both don't believe in abortion. So we had it."

 

The Internet can be forever. What in your head makes it ok to say THAT about your child?? What if your wife finds this forum, prints it out & one day your child finds this "So we had it". REALLY!! please EDIT!

 

Calm Down, that was what he thought before the baby was born:cool: (it is actually called a "it" when still unborn, at least where i come from)

[m.snow]

i would suggest to confess to your wife.

so she would not blame herself for the divorce.

but that is up to you.

 

you said you were afraid of breaking up the family.

that statement shows that you still have some love in you.

 

if you do decide to continue with the divorce.

please keep the family finances in order.

 

does your wife have a job?

 

do your best not to compromise the standard of living of your kids.

and not to leave your stbxw destitute.

 

note that marriage and family are somehow 2 separate entities.

even though the marriage is over. the family is not.

 

you have to keep lines of necessary communication open

your stbxw will always be the mother of children your children.

 

make the divorce is as amicable as possible.

if you have the heart in you. the least you could do it to place her in a much advantageous position financially.

[JS84]

Honestly I see no point in confessing if you're dead set on divorcing and have no interest in reconciliation. Confess for what??? If you were on the fence about divorce, not sure about the marriage, willing to make it work, etc then I'd encourage you to confess. But if you're 100% checked out of the marriage and plan on putting a fork in it?? Just keep your mouth shut.

 

Also I haven't seen anything to indicate that he's going to abandon or neglect his children. He doesn't need to stay in a loveless and unhappy marriage to be a father to his kids. Not that it would set a great example for his children of how relationships work if he did anyway. If he and his wife can co-parent without too much animosity (which there certainly will be if he confesses to cheating even though he has no intention of staying in his marriage) then I think they can help the kids work through it.

[jbrent890]

I think posters have pointed this out in the past. Why is it when a WH comes on here, the advice by a lot is to drop the AP and fix your marriage. However, when a WW comes on, the advice is to leave your husband. It doesn't make any sense to me. Personally, I think the advice should be the same. In this guy's case, I think he is doing the right thing by leaving. Yes, I wish he would tell his wife so she didn't believe that she was the only person in the marriage that cheated, but at least he has the guts to say that I'm not going to do any more damage.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with you. They never asked to come to this mess that we both created. But an intact home can only be kept together if I sacrifice myself completely (or at some point my wife herself decides to divorce me). Because I have no enthusiasm to work on recreating the spark with her. This despite the fact my wife is better looking than my GF. But its my GF that I want to see everyday, be in presence with, watch the look in her eyes when we kiss. Not my wife.

 

 

 

Ungrateful children are nothing new to me. I saw this with my sister.

My father was a real family man, a blue collar guy who sacrificed his every desire to fulfill the wishes of his children and wife (in that order). But when my mother remarried my rich stepfather 1, my sister had the audacity to say to my father "What have you ever done for me?" I remember the look on the poor man's face. Still he loved her so much he tried to keep a relationship with her. But less and less she wanted to see him and now they don't have any relationship.

 

I would rather hear such accusation after me being a little selfish than hear them when I have been completely selfless.

 

P.S.-My father always wanted to go to Europe. But never got the chance. If God willing, I will take him there someday.

 

Well, there's your problem right there.... fear of intimacy, set by childhood trauma and then compounded by your wife's affair.

 

Get yourself in IC and dump the OW. If they'll cheat with you.. they'll cheat on you. Learn to deserve MORE than to end up with a person who would screw someone else's husband.

 

If you still can't love and forgive your wife after you've settled your inner conflicts, get a divorce and find someone better. Set a HEALTHY example for your children and don't sneak out the back door like a dog with a lie on your lips. Even if no one ever found out.. YOU would know.

[Got it]

Well, there's your problem right there.... fear of intimacy, set by childhood trauma and then compounded by your wife's affair.

 

Get yourself in IC and dump the OW. If they'll cheat with you.. they'll cheat on you. Learn to deserve MORE than to end up with a person who would screw someone else's husband.

 

If you still can't love and forgive your wife after you've settled your inner conflicts, get a divorce and find someone better. Set a HEALTHY example for your children and don't sneak out the back door like a dog with a lie on your lips. Even if no one ever found out.. YOU would know.

 

Okay but the logic, tied to his case, doesn't even allow this to make sense. The saying if they cheat with you they will cheat on you, his wife CHEATED ON HIM. She already proved the end part of that little ditty. So one gives another shot? >>>?? She already proved it if things are so black and white.

 

So the OW has cheated with him, yes, but has not cheated on him. So its not like that has panned out.

 

I don't know, seems to be a silly mantra to say to the OP given his situation.

 

(And I am not advocating one way or another, just pointing out the fallacy of that).

 

If someone dipping their toe into cheating makes them someone less (as seems to be the description of the OW. Then that should apply to the cheating spouse as well.

[AaronG]

Well, there's your problem right there.... fear of intimacy, set by childhood trauma and then compounded by your wife's affair.

 

Get yourself in IC and dump the OW. If they'll cheat with you.. they'll cheat on you. Learn to deserve MORE than to end up with a person who would screw someone else's husband.

 

If you still can't love and forgive your wife after you've settled your inner conflicts, get a divorce and find someone better. Set a HEALTHY example for your children and don't sneak out the back door like a dog with a lie on your lips. Even if no one ever found out.. YOU would know.

 

I was not traumatised. I always knew my sister was a selfish bitch. Judges everyone based on their money. She used to ridicule me because during the start of my career, I was not so much successful. Neither of us went to college. But she always thought she is smarter (always used to put me down by saying "this is beyond you capacity to understand"). She was more impressed by my brother but they also had issues (who wouldn't with such a money-centric, egotistical bitch?) So its safe to say she doesn't have much of a relationship with both of us.

 

What learn to deserve more? Like I deserve Kate Upton?

 

Who am I to forgive my wife? I don't own her. She did what she did of her own accord because her body and her was/is her's to give to anyone she wants to. So there is nothing to forgive.

 

But having said that I don't love her anymore. Probably never have since she confessed. It died. And no amount of IC will bring it back. What can the IC even say to make that happen?

Edited September 18, 2015 by AaronG

[Celestial-dreamer]

 

But having said that I don't love her anymore. Probably never have since she confessed. It died. And no amount of IC will bring it back. What can the IC even say to make that happen?

 

Then you should have left ages ago, but instead you held on to her, why? Now look at the mess your in, your no longer the good guy here. Your as bad as she was. Only difference is, she had the guts to admit it and try to work it out. Your the one walking, now it's YOUR turn having the A. Double standards much? You can't walk away from this with your dignity intact, you trashed it. You did that yourself, no one made you. All your choices have been just that, CHOICES. Now your W will be wondering what went wrong, can she get you back....and she will be wasting her time pining for you, waiting to see if you will come home, perhaps begging you. All that time you know there's no chance as your with your OW (is she really a woman you want? who will easily sleep with an MM and break up his family?! no morals, class, dignity, ethics etc) so TELL YOUR W, don't be cruel to her. Tell her the truth, let her go and find someone who will love her.

[SummerDreams]

Why are people here so sure that the OP does not love his wife anymore because of the Ow? He has said himself his love for her died after she confessed the affair. Of course it was wrong of him to stay and have another kid with her after this, but, if I accept that he will forever be a responsible father after a divorce, is he really obligated to stay in an unhappy and loveless marriage? Why do people in here always suggest that IC and / or MC will just make the love magically appear again? Why can't people just accept that actions create reactions and her infidelity was enough to make him un-love her? Why do WS get dragged in the guilt of blame if they don't want to R?

[m.snow]

aron, in the past what made you fall in love with your wife, when you first met her?

 

what is it in a woman that you love?

 

what do your affair partners offer you?

 

 

I would rather hear such accusation after me being a little selfish than hear them when I have been completely selfless.

 

P.S.-My father always wanted to go to Europe. But never got the chance. If God willing, I will take him there someday.

 

Aron you love your father he is a good man. and deep down so are you.

Aron ask your self what would your father have done in this situation.

 

would you have made him proud of the choices you've made.

if he heard you say this?

"I would rather hear such accusation after me being a little selfish than hear them when I have been completely selfless."

 

what would he have told you.

 

aron would it not be nice if your children grew up and be a great person like there grandfather?

you could teach that love to them aron. like what your father showed you. you can teach your children that kind of love.

Edited September 18, 2015 by m.snow

[AaronG]

aron, in the past what made you fall in love with your wife, when you first met her?

 

what is it in a woman that you love?

 

what do your affair partners offer you?

 

i was young when I met her. within year and a half she got pregnant. thats why i decided to marry her.

 

 

but there were things she had i loved about her then - indomitable energy, looking at life through rose tinted glasses, always laughing, flirting, fun person to be with.

 

You could relax around her.

 

But I don't see that in her anymore.

 

On the other hand, my GF is much more sombre, mature, weighed down by life (she had her share of heartbreaks and has an infirm father to care for). But she is kind, good woman. Doesn't hold much expectations. So she doesn't want to bring her burden on anyone. Independent and self conscious.

 

 

 

Aron you love your father he is a good man. and deep down so are you.

Aron ask your self what would your father have done in this situation.

 

would you have made him proud of the choices you've made.

if he heard you say this?

"I would rather hear such accusation after me being a little selfish than hear them when I have been completely selfless."

 

My father is a simple man. He doesn't understand the machinations of this world. Thats why it was easy for my mother to manipulate and put him down in everyway. And he was never able to raise his voice against her.

 

I don't know if my mother cheated and my father never found out. But her 2nd marriage within one year of divorce definitely raises suspicion.

 

But I will say this about my stepfather 2 - he was kind to us. And soon after the marriage my mother started treating him the same way as he did our father. he was constantly put down. but somehow SF 1 had the courage to stop my mother when she was mistreating us only to be put down and shut off.

 

My sister is exactly like my mother.

 

aron would it not be nice if your children grew up and be a great person like there grandfather?

you could teach that love to them aron. like what your father showed you. you can teach your children that kind of love.

 

I don't know if I can teach them anything. My 7 year old already is showing the character traits of her grandmother and aunt. Full of tantrum, stubborn, wants her way, will talk mean if she is denied. She is jealous of her little sister. And one time she even said she wished she ( 1 1/2 year old was never born).

 

After all, all 4 of us share the same DNA (me, sister, mother, daughter). I guess she has inherited her grandmother's character traits, but not her grandfather's.

[AaronG]

is she really a woman you want? who will easily sleep with an MM and break up his family?! no morals, class, dignity, ethics etc) so TELL YOUR W, don't be cruel to her. Tell her the truth, let her go and find someone who will love her.

 

Yes I should have left 3 years ago. I did not. I should have known I didn't have it in me to reconcile and love her again. I am coward. Is this what you want to hear?

 

Call me what you will but never call my GF moral less or classless. I have seen her dutifully do her job and put most of her resources to care for her infirm father. Thats more moral and class in my book than many women I see.

 

Whats the point in telling her now. Its decided. I found out an apartment to rent. I will be leaving. I know I would have left eventually but maybe some years later. So this is not about my GF. So whats the point in telling if I was going leave anyway, one way or another?