Should I leave my wife?

[Celestial-dreamer]

Yes I should have left 3 years ago. I did not. I should have known I didn't have it in me to reconcile and love her again. I am coward. Is this what you want to hear?

 

Call me what you will but never call my GF moral less or classless. I have seen her dutifully do her job and put most of her resources to care for her infirm father. Thats more moral and class in my book than many women I see.

 

Whats the point in telling her now. Its decided. I found out an apartment to rent. I will be leaving. I know I would have left eventually but maybe some years later. So this is not about my GF. So whats the point in telling if I was going leave anyway, one way or another?

 

All I heard was bah blah me me blah blah. It's only decided for YOU. YOU have made a life choice for your W and children without their knowledge or consent. You've thought NOTHING of the woman who has tried to fix your M, who gave you your children, you have quite honestly just walked all over her and used her for your own selfish ends. If you want to have any self respect you must confess, at least then your W will get an even footing. Your A will more than likely be discovered soon enough, and can make your D even harder. Your GF IS classless/moraless etc, so what she looks after her father, she IS taking an MM away from his W and children, dress it up anyway you want to, it is what it is. And YOU let it happen. Your M is over, that is true, but at least have the decency to give your W the truth. Yes you SHOULD have left before you caused such pain, now grow up and be a man and tell the truth, this isn't the playground anymore.

[AaronG]

All I heard was bah blah me me blah blah. It's only decided for YOU. YOU have made a life choice for your W and children without their knowledge or consent. You've thought NOTHING of the woman who has tried to fix your M, who gave you your children, you have quite honestly just walked all over her and used her for your own selfish ends. If you want to have any self respect you must confess, at least then your W will get an even footing. Your A will more than likely be discovered soon enough, and can make your D even harder. Your GF IS classless/moraless etc, so what she looks after her father, she IS taking an MM away from his W and children, dress it up anyway you want to, it is what it is. And YOU let it happen. Your M is over, that is true, but at least have the decency to give your W the truth. Yes you SHOULD have left before you caused such pain, now grow up and be a man and tell the truth, this isn't the playground anymore.

 

Whatever! Phew

[Furious]

What a merry go round.

 

Wife cheated on you, you cheated on her, ow cheats with you.

 

Your wife and ow share a common character trait.

 

You also share a common trait with your wife and your ow.

 

The irony is that for some folks cheating is only wrong when they're cheated on but not wrong if they cheat or are an accessory to cheating.

 

I know a spouse who was cheated on by his wife, then he became a WS and his ow became his wife but the irony is his ow/wife champions affairs and supports ow but ironically would not tolerate an other woman in her marriage.

 

I guess in the end it's not about right or wrong but how right or wrong best serves oneself.

[AaronG]

What a merry go round.

 

Wife cheated on you, you cheated on her, ow cheats with you.

 

Your wife and ow share a common character trait.

 

You also share a common trait with your wife and your ow.

 

The irony is that for some folks cheating is only wrong when they're cheated on but not wrong if they cheat or are an accessory to cheating.

 

I guess in the end it's not about right or wrong but how right or wrong best serves oneself.

 

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You are absolutely right. This is what has happened. Still not confessing and trying to fix the marriage.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "I don't know if I can teach them anything. My 7 year old already is showing the character traits of her grandmother and aunt. Full of tantrum, stubborn, wants her way, will talk mean if she is denied. She is jealous of her little sister. And one time she even said she wished she ( 1 1/2 year old was never born)."

 

It's called sibling rivalry & is pretty normal.

 

I know I've already been shut down over this sort of thing but I HATE the way he talks about his children. There's something missing & wrong here. It would rip my heart out if I ever heard my H or father talk like this. Loving people just don't....

 

Maybe I'm just from a very different world. If I said my daughter was an accident it would be my instinct to say "but I wouldn't change it for the world!" or something like that. Maybe the women in his family have "Bad DNA" & he'd be better off without any of them

[AaronG]

^You have read only the last sentence of the description of my elder daughter and left out the rest.

Pretty accurate analysis. "Sibling rivalry". Why didn't I ever thought of that? Stupid me

[SummerDreams]

I think it's normal that he has some issues with women since his mother has behaved like that his whole life. I think his biggest fear is that he becomes treated like his father and stepfather did by his mother. If he would get some therapy, deeper things about his feelings towards women would be revealed, but it's up to him.

[ShatteredLady]

She's 7 YEARS OLD!! That's normal. You seem to have a huge problem with women. Look at what you wrote about YOUR DAUGHTER! It reads like you're distancing yourself from your children.

[AaronG]

My brother's 8 yr old is not behaved like that. She is a girl.

 

My friend's 5-8 year olds are not behaved like that.

 

And I have never said to my daughter "Look how your cousin behaves". I have never compared her to anyone.

 

No I have no problem with women in general. Just my mother and sister. And I know my daughter will most probably turn out like them.

Edited September 18, 2015 by AaronG

[Furious]

Okay but the logic, tied to his case, doesn't even allow this to make sense. The saying if they cheat with you they will cheat on you, his wife CHEATED ON HIM. She already proved the end part of that little ditty. So one gives another shot? >>>?? She already proved it if things are so black and white.

 

So the OW has cheated with him, yes, but has not cheated on him. So its not like that has panned out.

 

I don't know, seems to be a silly mantra to say to the OP given his situation.

 

(And I am not advocating one way or another, just pointing out the fallacy of that).

 

If someone dipping their toe into cheating makes them someone less (as seems to be the description of the OW. Then that should apply to the cheating spouse as well.

 

wow...so cheating with someone is not like cheating on someone.

 

Smh,

[cocorico]

wow...so cheating with someone is not like cheating on someone.

 

 

Correct.

 

Cheating on someone <- you have promised to be faithful to someone that you (supposedly) love, and then you break that faith.

 

"Cheating" with someone <- you ascribe the same (negligible) weight to your (committed) SO's M as they do.

 

One involves breaking promises you have made. The other involves not being bound by someone else's promise.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Whatever! Phew

 

You can't see the wood for the trees here. Your living in your own little bubble....good luck to you, trust me...one day this WILL hit you...HARD. Specially when your kids start asking questions. Have you even considered them in this at all? I doubt it, there's only one person you've thought about....YOURSELF. You had the chance to walk ages ago, you should have, Your making yourself out to be the great guy when reality is, your not...YOUR having an A now, YOUR going to dump your family for OW. Your far worse than your W ever was. But because it's YOU, it's ok to do it, and keep it a secret because YOU don't want the drama. Geez.....your going to create MORE drama by being quiet. Do you really want your wife waiting? do you want her begging you? will it feed your ego? why put her through that? But of course, she doesn't matter one bit to you does she. Not even as the mother of your kids. Even after what she did, she still deserves to know the truth about her life.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, there's your problem right there.... fear of intimacy, set by childhood trauma and then compounded by your wife's affair.

 

Get yourself in IC and dump the OW. If they'll cheat with you.. they'll cheat on you. Learn to deserve MORE than to end up with a person who would screw someone else's husband.

 

If you still can't love and forgive your wife after you've settled your inner conflicts, get a divorce and find someone better. Set a HEALTHY example for your children and don't sneak out the back door like a dog with a lie on your lips. Even if no one ever found out.. YOU would know.

 

How would you know if you still love your wife or not when you've got your pants in a chemically-induced bunch over some OW? That's the oxyitocin and vassopressin talking.. the "love hormones", released during orgasm. You wouldn't be able to tell what your feelings for your wife are until you stopped screwing around and let the infatuation fade.

 

I'll be honest, I don't think there are too many people who are evil beyond redemption and change. What's more, if you and your wife are young, you should be aware that the frontal cortex of the brain (where the judgment center resides) isn't fully mature until you're in your mid-twenties. What that means is that mistakes made prior to full brain maturity, don't necessarily represent an incapability to achieve full emotional maturity.

 

But here you are, telling me that the OW is "mature". Really? Because if that's the case, she knows EXACTLY how wrong it is to **** somebody else's husband. What's more, by virtue of nature and societal nurture, she's got a better grasp of emotional information than you do. When it comes to processing emotions, she's got a high-speed blender and you've got a wooden spoon. So.. she's willing to devastate your family, and she knows EXACTLY how your wife and children are going to end up feeling about it.

 

THAT's all you think you deserve? How mad at YOU are you?

 

I'm not buying that you aren't wounded by your father's unhappiness. Read I Don't Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real and see how men routinely carry (and even reenact) their fathers' pain.

 

It might be true that your wife is just a bad person and doesn't deserve your forgiveness. Who knows? But slinking out the back door is most likely going to land you back in the same drama, just with new players, unless you figure out what's going really happening on the inside. And don't say "nothing", because people don't break up their families and air all their crap out on sites like this one when it's "nothing".

[Ladyjane14]

Yes I should have left 3 years ago. I did not. I should have known I didn't have it in me to reconcile and love her again. I am coward. Is this what you want to hear?

 

Call me what you will but never call my GF moral less or classless. I have seen her dutifully do her job and put most of her resources to care for her infirm father. Thats more moral and class in my book than many women I see.

 

Whats the point in telling her now. Its decided. I found out an apartment to rent. I will be leaving. I know I would have left eventually but maybe some years later. So this is not about my GF. So whats the point in telling if I was going leave anyway, one way or another?

 

Because YOU will always know. And every time you look at your children's faces that LIE will be on your heart. That's why. Like I said earlier, if you're going... don't slink out the door like a dog unless that's all you ever want to be.

[Got it]

wow...so cheating with someone is not like cheating on someone.

 

Smh,

 

Apparently not according to the post I was referring to. Apparently cheating with someone is some how worse than cheating on the person.

 

SMH

[sheberiding]

Sounds like you know what you want. Next step exit plan and legal advice. Good luck.

[Popsicle]

On the other hand, my GF is much more sombre, mature, weighed down by life (she had her share of heartbreaks and has an infirm father to care for). But she is kind, good woman. Doesn't hold much expectations. So she doesn't want to bring her burden on anyone. Independent and self conscious.

 

I think it's great that she inspires you. I truly wish you luck and hope it works out. I think you're doing great. Where did you meet OW?

Edited September 19, 2015 by Popsicle

[cocorico]

My brother's 8 yr old is not behaved like that. She is a girl.

 

My friend's 5-8 year olds are not behaved like that.

 

And I have never said to my daughter "Look how your cousin behaves". I have never compared her to anyone.

 

No I have no problem with women in general. Just my mother and sister. And I know my daughter will most probably turn out like them.

 

Aaron, one of the advantages of parenting post-Divorce is that you get to make sure your kids learn *your* values when they are with you, rather than having to compromise all the time.

 

If you don't like how she is behaving, you can tell her her behaviour sucks (which is not the same as saying she sucks) and help her to learn better ways of behaving - when she is with you. Of course, you will have no control over what values her mother teaches her, but at least - hopefully - she will learn to behave better when she is with you.

[m.snow]

i see that you really like the OW, she posses qualities that you admire. Then its truly time to separate with your wife.

 

but make it as amicable and favorable as possible to your wife. do not ever leave her destitute.

does she have a well paying job? can she support herself and the two young children?

don't forget to help her recover, if possible help with therapy or coordinate with therapist.

do tell her that it was not her affair that caused you to do this. help her recover her confidence.

 

she is still the mother of your children. her well being is important for the sake of your children.

do love your children regardless. and always take note that they hold high priority in any case.

 

the marriage is over. but the family is not. you are no longer husband and wife but you are still a father and exfww a mother.

 

I would rather hear such accusation after me being a little selfish than hear them when I have been completely selfless.

note this statement should not apply to your children. love them selflessly regardless if they turn out to be like your older sister.

Edited September 21, 2015 by m.snow

[AaronG]

How would you know if you still love your wife or not when you've got your pants in a chemically-induced bunch over some OW? That's the oxyitocin and vassopressin talking.. the "love hormones", released during orgasm. You wouldn't be able to tell what your feelings for your wife are until you stopped screwing around and let the infatuation fade.

I knew I didn't love my wife anymore 7 months ago before my affair. I didn't feel anything when I see her, I hardly wanted to talk to her, I didn't want to go out with her alone because we had nothing to talk except the kids and least of all I wanted to have sex with her.

 

I know all this chemical thing what happens during sex. But those chemical probably didn't react in me in the rare times I was having sex with my wife. Leaving my GF right now would mean me returning back to that loveless marriage quietly and suffer. And I don't want to do this.

[AaronG]

Where did you meet OW?

 

At a house party at a friend's. She is a friend of one of my friend's wife.

[AaronG]

All arranged. I am leaving my house and moving to the pad from Oct 1.

 

My wife won't find my affair in the meantime. I have a prepaid simcard, so she won't find anything on the bills. Since announcing my decision to separate, I have deleted every text messages and every conversation in Whatsapp. I have asked my GF not to text or call me till Oct 1. I will do the calling.To deflect her suspicions, in case she decides to check my phone, I haven't put any password. She is free to check my phone anytime she wants. Maybe she has already done that.

For safety purpose I did not add her as a friend in Facebook since the beginning.

I leave for office on time and reach home on time. I don't go out on weekdays and now I am not going out on weekends without my eldest daughter.

 

The only time I talk to my GF is during the drive to the office, lunch break and drive back to home and I immediately clear the logs before getting home.

[SummerDreams]

OP I am happy to see you take control of your life and becoming happy how you know it fits yourself. Just for your info though, if your wife puts a VAR in your car she will hear your conversations you have with OW, so be careful. It's better you call her during shopping or walking etc.

[SummerDreams]

I don't understand why the OP is being attacked for his choice to leave an unhappy marriage and go on with his life. Most men are accused of wanting their cake and eat it too by staying in a marriage and having an affair. This man has realized he is not happy anymore and he decided to leave. He has made it clear that he stopped loving his wife months before his affair. Now, sooner than later, has found the courage to actually leave. I'm happy for him and for his wife who will be free to find a man who will appreciate her.

[AaronG]

why are you so afraid of your W finding out about your A?

 

Because I don't want a dirty divorce. I want it quick, fast thats easy on both of us. I will be fair to her in property division and alimony.

 

Take a long hard look at yourself, look what you've turned into. Someone far far worse than your W ever was.

How am I worse than my wife? I had no knowledge of her affair and she hid well like me. I thought I was leaving a charming and happy life with my wife and I find that its not so.

 

Infact the difference is she cheated when we were happy. I cheated after she shattered the happiness, innocence, the pure love I felt for her.

 

Not that it bothers you hey, it's not you hurting is it, it's not you sat there crying, wondering what you did wrong, trying your best to figure it out.

How was it fair to me what she did? How was it fair to me that the person I trusted the most to could this to me and then heap her guilt on me to relieve herself? Why was I kept wondering, spending sleepless nights, crying by myself and trying to figure out what I did wrong that my wife found solace in another man's bed?

 

Your kids might have some respect for you being honest

You think if I become honest to my wife my 7 and 1.5 years old will listen to the conversation and understand all of it?