Should I leave my wife?

[truncated]

Well every person reacts differently to an infidelity, a betrayal and a sudden stop to their so thought happiness. Some can be doormats and apologize for having the audacity to expect .... faithfulness from their spouse and others get angry, sad and react to this.

 

This man is normal. He thought he had a happy wedding, his wife destroyed that, this made him stop loving her and now he wants out. Plain and simple.

 

It's not just his words about his wife, it's his words about is mother, sister and daughter.

[AaronG]

Why?

Why can't you be on your own for a while and spend some time getting to know yourself? Why does it have to be one or the other?

 

You mean divorcing my wife but still leaving the single life?

 

Why should I dump my GF when she has done nothing wrong to me? Why are you urging to do so? What has my GF done to you?

[qubist]

You mean divorcing my wife but still leaving the single life?

 

Why should I dump my GF when she has done nothing wrong to me? Why are you urging to do so? What has my GF done to you?

Aaron: because this is an infidelity forum most of us here are treating your case as a typical A. in a typical A the cheating spouse is advised to end the A and separate with the AP before making any decision.

your A may not be a "typical" as it was kind of reaction to your W A.

[truncated]

You mean divorcing my wife but still leaving the single life?

 

Why should I dump my GF when she has done nothing wrong to me? Why are you urging to do so? What has my GF done to you?

 

 

I say that because you seem to have some real issues with women, and to be very angry, anger that haven't dealt with. You also take any sort of criticism of you as an attack, even if it isn't one.

 

If you really love your ow, then you will want what's best for her, and wouldn't that mean you being in a better headspace? Give yourself some time an some therapy to sort out your thoughts and work through some of the baggage you are carryng form your childhood

 

If you want to see what I mean, go back and read through your posts...

[truncated]

Aaron: because this is an infidelity forum most of us here are treating your case as a typical A. in a typical A the cheating spouse is advised to end the A and separate with the AP before making any decision.

your A may not be a "typical" as it was kind of reaction to your W A.

 

that has zero to do with my advice to him ( and I am not a betrayed spouse, by the way)

 

It has everything to do with the things he has been through in his life, and some of the things he says.

 

I would advise him to be on his own for a while even if there was no ow.

[m.snow]

I say that because you seem to have some real issues with women,

 

i dont think he has issue with women just certain types of people.

 

he is particularly disgusted at selfish people.

 

he was never able to truly forgive his stbxw selfishness.

 

made worse by his history, mom and sis being a root cause as well.

 

and as he said it was the qualities of the OW that made him want her.

that quality of "OW taking good care of her father."

 

as he pointed out he also cares deeply for his father.

[truncated]

i dont think he has issue with women just certain types of people.

 

he is particularly disgusted at selfish people.

 

he was never able to truly forgive his stbxw selfishness.

 

made worse by his history, mom and sis being a root cause as well.

 

and as he said it was the qualities of the OW that made him want her.

that quality of "OW taking good care of her father."

 

as he pointed out he also cares deeply for his father.

 

 

If he is disgusted with selfish people, then wouldn't he be disgusted with himself for cheating on his wife? Why is she the only one worthy of this loathing?

 

He claims his affair had zero to do with hers, so he cheated because he wanted to. Ergo, he is every bot as selfish as she is.

[AaronG]

Your relationship with your mistress isn't going to work out.

 

I have already said I don't hold lofty expectation from my current relationship. It has a 50-50 chance of working out either way. But I do know where I want to be right now. Away from my wife and with my GF.

 

My GF would be my mistress only when I consider my wife to be my real partner which I don't.

[AaronG]

And if my relationship fails, I won't be crawling back to me wife or ex-wife. I am done with my marriage

[AaronG]

Honesty would be the best way to accomplish that.

 

I'm curious - had your W not cheated first and you were leaving simply because you were not in love and checked out of the marriage, would you handle things the same way :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If my wife had not cheated and I fell out of love, then there would not be this element of dishonesty everyone here is hankering about.

 

I understand my affair is a big deal and a major contributor to leaving my marriage. But I was unhappy for a long time before my GF came. My affair was instrumental in giving me the courage to finally leave it.

 

But if the affair is taken out of the equation and I was leaving because I was miserable, then I think I would have handled this exit in the same manner.

 

People does not hear the conversations I have with my wife so they assume things which are not true. I am telling her her affair is not to blame now because she has tried really hard. Its me thats struggling to put in the hard work in our marriage and thats not fair to her. So I needed separation to see if I can really comeback in this marriage but I cannot give her any gurantee at this moment. So if she decides to move on, I won't stop her or blame her. She doesn't deserve to be in limbo since it maybe a long time for me to determine things.

[velvette]

If my wife had not cheated and I fell out of love, then there would not be this element of dishonesty everyone here is hankering about.

 

I understand my affair is a big deal and a major contributor to leaving my marriage. But I was unhappy for a long time before my GF came. My affair was instrumental in giving me the courage to finally leave it.

 

But if the affair is taken out of the equation and I was leaving because I was miserable, then I think I would have handled this exit in the same manner.

 

People does not hear the conversations I have with my wife so they assume things which are not true. I am telling her her affair is not to blame now because she has tried really hard. Its me thats struggling to put in the hard work in our marriage and thats not fair to her. So I needed separation to see if I can really comeback in this marriage but I cannot give her any gurantee at this moment. So if she decides to move on, I won't stop her or blame her. She doesn't deserve to be in limbo since it maybe a long time for me to determine things.

 

 

Not sure if you are describing things to us with the bolded statements, or if you mean that this is what you are telling your W about why you are leaving.

 

 

If its what you are telling your wife, then its just wrong.

 

 

It will have exactly the opposite effect you want(or maybe not) and will keep her in limbo trying to change your mind.

 

 

Its a lie on top of the dishonesty of not telling her your affair. Not to mention its also cowardly, cruel and will keep her from moving on.

 

 

Look, its normal to fall out of love when someone cheats on you. Its also very possible to fall back in love if you want to and if you do the right things to make that happen.

 

 

Why are you setting your W up to fight for you, if that's not what you want.

 

 

All this conflict avoidance is going to come back and bite you in the ass at some point. It will probably also derail any future R you have.

 

 

If you cant be fully honest, then at least have the decency to tell her you are done and plan to date others. Then in a month or so date the OW openly. Formalize it in your separation agreement. Give your W a clean break if you wont give her the truth.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you cant be fully honest, then at least have the decency to tell her you are done and plan to date others. Then in a month or so date the OW openly. Formalize it in your separation agreement. Give your W a clean break if you wont give her the truth.

 

Exactly. No only is this relatively fair to her but it helps mitigate the burden on you of her expectations that you'll walk back in the door. Do you want to deal with that discussion every time you see your daughters?

 

Unless the act of leaving her hanging is payback for her affair ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Furious]

If my wife had not cheated and I fell out of love, then there would not be this element of dishonesty everyone here is hankering about.

 

I understand my affair is a big deal and a major contributor to leaving my marriage. But I was unhappy for a long time before my GF came. My affair was instrumental in giving me the courage to finally leave it.

 

But if the affair is taken out of the equation and I was leaving because I was miserable, then I think I would have handled this exit in the same manner.

 

People does not hear the conversations I have with my wife so they assume things which are not true. I am telling her her affair is not to blame now because she has tried really hard. Its me thats struggling to put in the hard work in our marriage and thats not fair to her. So I needed separation to see if I can really comeback in this marriage but I cannot give her any gurantee at this moment. So if she decides to move on, I won't stop her or blame her. She doesn't deserve to be in limbo since it maybe a long time for me to determine things.

 

 

What I read is you're angry, your wife's affair hurt you deeply. But....you've lost something special, you've lost your integrity and that's on you.

 

Cheating is wrong, no matter how some may applaud it and justify it.

 

I see a man who once had character and integrity but gave it away. It's ok to decide to divorce, it's ok to move foward and begin again. But, I know the best thing in moving foward is to give yourself time to heal, time to be the best father you can be.

 

Rushing into a new relationship before you end your marriage often is a bandaid solution. there will be hurt, disappointment, regret and pressure, promises broken fear and confusion and someone, or, all will be hurt.

 

I urge to find yourself again, to feel whole again, this is the best recipe for your heathy future. The old you, the man with character is still there, give him the chance to return.

[World's.Edge]

My GF would be my mistress only when I consider my wife to be my real partner which I don't.

Dude, feel free to label her however you like, but she is, by definition, a mistress:

 

mis·tress

/ˈmistris/

noun

• A woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a man who is married to someone else.

• A woman having an extramarital sexual relationship with a married man.

The fact that you can't casually introduce her to all the people in your life, be open about the relationship, and that you need a prepaid SIM, had to delete all your texts, have to clear your call logs and can't have her as a Facebook friend kind of speaks to that. Oh, and there's you having a wife. Not too bright are ya, try to keep up;).

 

if my relationship fails

No 'ifs' or '50/50 chance' about it. This adulterous relationship of yours will fail. It's just how these situations play out, there's nothing special about your situation.

Your wife cheated on you first and this is your reaction/retaliation to that. You'll probably try to stick it out like you did your marriage, either to prove some point, show that you're not just some married guy stringing your her along, that you really DO love her, or some other convoluted reason, but this will end.

 

If you're lucky, it will end queitly and without incident. However, seeing as how you don't want your wife to discover that you have been cheating on her, it's probably wise that you don't end your relationship with your mistress lest she reveal your cheating as a reaction to you breaking it off.

[World's.Edge]

And if my relationship fails, I won't be crawling back to me wife or ex-wife. I am done with my marriage

Well duh. Why are you on about crawling back to your wife? That would be idiotic. Your marriage is done, she cheated on you, you're cheating on her, there's no mutual love and honour between you two. That relationship is over, like I wrote earlier, you should have divorced years ago.

 

It's just sad and s***ty that you had to cheat. You didn't need to be in an adulterous relationship to end your marriage.

 

It would have been better if you had ended your marriage and took time to heal, recover, enjoy life and be single for a while. You could have even travelled with your dad to Europe. Instead, you have just gone from one relationship to another, you're leaving a cheater for another cheater.

[cocorico]

No 'ifs' or '50/50 chance' about it. This adulterous relationship of yours will fail. It's just how these situations play out, there's nothing special about your situation.

 

 

Actually, you're wrong. It's not "just how these situations play out". I've been M to my fMM for many years now, and we're blissfully happy. So are others I know.

 

It's true that not all As transition successfully into Ms that last, and last happily - but then not all Ms last, and not all dating Rs transition into Ms. The odds may not be 50/50, as there are no proper stats, but they're much higher than the zero you're sucking out of your thumb.

[World's.Edge]

Actually, you're wrong. It's not "just how these situations play out". I've been M to my fMM for many years now, and we're blissfully happy. So are others I know.

 

It's true that not all As transition successfully into Ms that last, and last happily - but then not all Ms last, and not all dating Rs transition into Ms. The odds may not be 50/50, as there are no proper stats, but they're much higher than the zero you're sucking out of your thumb.

 

'So are others' that you know:eek:, well that hints at quite a few instances of cheating and adultery.. kind of disturbing.

 

Anyways, by 'how these situations play out' I meant situations/relationships where one spouse initially cheats, then their betrayed spouse engages in a retaliatory/revenge affair, like AaronG's and his mistress'. Where the initial betrayed spouse's affair is a result and reaction to their spouse's affair, and it's existence and motivation stems from the unresolved issues and emotions of the initial affair and that it wasn't dealt with and worked through properly. Those situations. I'm guessing that wasn't the case in your situation, that your current husband's then wife didn't cheat on him and then he cheated with you as a result?

[cocorico]

'So are others' that you know:eek:' date=' well that hints at quite a few instances of cheating and adultery.. kind of disturbing.[/quote']

 

It's not uncommon.

 

Anyways' date=' by [i']'how these situations play out'[/i] I meant situations/relationships where one spouse initially cheats, then their betrayed spouse engages in a retaliatory/revenge affair, like AaronG's and his mistress'. Where the initial betrayed spouse's affair is a result and reaction to their spouse's affair, and it's existence and motivation stems from the unresolved issues and emotions of the initial affair and that it wasn't dealt with and worked through properly. Those situations. I'm guessing that wasn't the case in your situation, that your current husband's then wife didn't cheat on him and then he cheated with you as a result?

 

As it turns out, she did - although she has always denied that to him. But we did find out recently that that was the case. His wasn't a straight RA, though, in that sense. It was a not dissimilar situation, in that he had agreed to take her back (she had physically attacked him then moved out; he was unaware of the infidelity at that point) on several conditions, which she later broke - but because of the trauma e split had caused the kids, he felt he could not do that to them again so soon, so he resigned himself to staying put until they were "old enough". And then later fell vulnerable to the A.

 

So there were definitely "unresolved issues and emotions" that weren't dealt with or worked through - mainly because she broke her promise to go to MC / IC - and the split was never addressed.

 

He did go to IC though, hence handling the later split much better, and the kids being OK.

[turnera]

I have a great relationship with my father

 

my father is my second best friend

 

I have still not revealed my affair. I am sure he will be understanding

Did you tell him?

 

Or did you do the cowardly thing and pretend you are acting with integrity?

[turnera]

All arranged. I am leaving my house and moving to the pad from Oct 1.

 

My wife won't find my affair in the meantime. I have a prepaid simcard, so she won't find anything on the bills. Since announcing my decision to separate, I have deleted every text messages and every conversation in Whatsapp. I have asked my GF not to text or call me till Oct 1. I will do the calling. To deflect her suspicions, in case she decides to check my phone, I haven't put any password. She is free to check my phone anytime she wants. Maybe she has already done that.

For safety purpose I did not add her as a friend in Facebook since the beginning.

I leave for office on time and reach home on time. I don't go out on weekdays and now I am not going out on weekends without my eldest daughter.

 

The only time I talk to my GF is during the drive to the office, lunch break and drive back to home and I immediately clear the logs before getting home.

This makes me want to vomit.

 

You think you are SO smooth. You think you've gotten away with the world's greatest caper. I bet you already have it planned out how you two are going to 'pretend' that you just HAPPEN to run into each other on October 3, quite by accident, and go 'oh, don't you know so and so? He knows my wife' and then on it goes. That way, you two will LIE TO EVERYONE about how you met, just so that everyone in your life doesn't want to spit on your new wife.

 

So you are preparing to live AN ENTIRE LIFE BUILT ON LIES, just because you don't have the balls to be honest with the most important people in your life. When in reality, you have NO integrity and the people who love you are being treated like garbage. Shame on you.

 

smh

[turnera]

October 1. Eight more days. Then I am out.

 

But I am interested to know why do you think my wife's affair hurted her? How does ones affair hurt them? My affair is not hurting me.

Even more despicable.

 

Thank God your wife is now free to find someone decent.

[turnera]

So I needed separation to see if I can really come back in this marriage but I cannot give her any guarantee at this moment.

And then you lie EVEN MORE by telling her if she'll just kiss your ass good enough, you MAY give her the gift of you coming back.

[HereNorThere]

There's a simple rule in psychology - "The abused eventually become abusers" and it seems like that totally rings true in this situation.

 

I don't blame you for leaving although I do think you could have taken the high road. What's done is done but I think it's really, really important that you ALL get into some major, intensive, long-term therapy.

 

And LOL if you think the ex won't find out. Sorry buddy, but you just simply aren't that slick. There's too many people involved for her to never find out. I'm not sure if you care (it wouldn't be much a revenge affair if you didn't get your revenge) but it's going to happen. Plus, you're leaving for another cheater, so it's only a matter of time before history repeats itself.

Edited September 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cocorico]

This makes me want to vomit.

 

You think you are SO smooth. You think you've gotten away with the world's greatest caper. I bet you already have it planned out how you two are going to 'pretend' that you just HAPPEN to run into each other on October 3, quite by accident, and go 'oh, don't you know so and so? He knows my wife' and then on it goes. That way, you two will LIE TO EVERYONE about how you met, just so that everyone in your life doesn't want to spit on your new wife.

 

So you are preparing to live AN ENTIRE LIFE BUILT ON LIES, just because you don't have the balls to be honest with the most important people in your life. When in reality, you have NO integrity and the people who love you are being treated like garbage. Shame on you.

 

smh

 

The "most important people in your life", you seem to be assuming, are the BW (and kids?). The OP has already shown that not to be the case by choosing to leave the BW, for the OW. (Kids are moot).

 

And the "people who love you" - which people? The OW? The BW? The kids?