Fiancé has cold feet

[melbourneboy]

Wow i never thought i would be here asking you guys for advice. My fiancé and me have been together for 10 years 2 years engaged with a wedding only 2 months away. We bought a house together 7 years ago.

 

Today my fiancé has told me out of the blue that she is confused about our relationship!!

This has taken me by suprise as you could imagine im pretty shattered right now. The love of my life is talking about breaking off the wedding.

 

She says she is lonley and doesnt know if she wants to get married and is saying she doesn't want to start a family right now. Up until now we both wanted a family. Now she says she wants to focus on herself and get her own **** together. Im just so confused right now.

 

She has had some past problems with codine addiction and only been clean for a week. So im guesing her drug induced fog has lifted and now she is feeling different about things.

Last week she was pretty ill and spent a cpl of days in hospital. Vomiting for 5 days straight. I was there for her 100% looking after her the whole time.

 

I just can't belive whats happening right now. Tommrow I'm supposed to be buying my suit with my best man and now this wtf am i supposed to do? Give her space? Time?

 

With the wedding only a cpl of months away nearly everything has been paid for and organised.

 

FML here i was thinking everything was rosey. Im so shattered right now.

 

Any ideas of where to go from here?

[Got it]

Due to the fact that drug addiction has seemed to be a very prevalent aspect of your relationship with her, her very short rehab at this point, postponing is the best idea.

 

I have learned cold feet concerns should definitely be looked at and respected. Don't move things forward right now. She is in too much internal turmoil and figuring out who she is not under the influence of a drug. Now is not the right time to marry.

 

I am so sorry for your pain and how hard this is for you right now. Now it is cold comfort to say you may be glad to wait in the long term but I really do caution you go slow right now.

[oldshirt]

I know you don't want to hear this but this is the advice I'd give my own son if he were in this situation.

 

I think you should seek legal counsel on how to protect your property rights and financial assets and come up with a fair and cooperative plan to separate.

 

She is under the influence of mind-altering drugs and she is incapable of making rational, important, life decisions. She is at extreme risk of doing some very bad and stupid things and you need to be insulated from her so that she doesn't hurt you physically, emotionally or financially. You need to protect your heart, property and financials from her.

 

She is actually the one in the right here. She DOES need to separate from you and get her own self straightened out and squared away.

 

You need to support the separation and support each of you being on your own.

 

I know you love her and want a life with her, but the person you knew and loved was/is a druggie and is not a real representation of what and who she really is.

 

You can still interact with her and date her, you don't necessarily need to dump her completely at this point but you do need to be legally and financially separate from her and own no joint properties or financial accounts with her and not be legally liable for any of her actions (ie, if she falls off the wagon and kills someone in a car wreck, they can sue you and take your house away since you legally own a house together)

 

Bottom line here, she is right. You two need to separate and she needs to get her shyt together before she can move forward with any kind of serious commitment or legal joint ventures.

[GunslingerRoland]

How long has she had the addiction?

 

The fact is that right now she probably shouldn't be making any life decisions one way or another. Her mind will probably take a couple of months to fully clear, and to fully be herself again.

 

Bad timing in your case... I don't know what to suggest really.

 

But unless she's been addicted for years, I'm assuming your relationship was headed towards marriage before the issue?

[redrock1]

Well, first of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's discouraging to hear that your fiance is having some doubts. But perhaps this would be a good time for the two of you to consider some premarital counseling? It might help you get any concerns out on the table before you take this big step of getting married and give you both peace about your decision. Just a thought...

[acrosstheuniverse]

Definitely give her time and space to see if it's just the withdrawal talking. When I went through opiate withdrawal it was absolute hell. I remember clearly coming back from work one day, sitting on the sofa and bursting into tears. My ex asked me what was wrong, and all I could say to explain it was 'I feel like I don't have a future anymore'. I couldn't pinpoint why. I had a relationship, nice apartment, a job, study plans, I had all of the things I wanted really. But those couple of weeks coming off opiates destroyed all that for me. Opiates like codeine make you feel good, when you come off them you can feel incredibly low and upset and depressed until your body gets used to making those feelgood chemicals itself, as it stops doing it when you're on opiates, it relies on the opiates to do it. Once the opiates are taken away, it can take quite some time to be able to regulate your own emotions again.

 

Just tell her there's no pressure, be kind and loving. Push back the best man suit stuff.

[MJJean]

Yup, people just coming out of addiction and withdrawl shouldn't be making any major life decisions one way or another. It really does take time for the body to right itself and the person to start feeling normal. I've heard as long as 6 months or more for some people.

 

Love her, be there for her, make sure you're protected financially, give her time to get entirely right physically and mentally, and see where you are together.

 

Don't expect her to be the same person she was before or during the addiction. Core personality stays the same, but addiction and going through withdrawl leaves a mark. She might like different entertainments, foods may taste different to her now, she might be much more sensitive emotionally or maybe more distant and self-contained. Just be aware that the woman you thought you knew and that she thought she was might not be who she is now.

[melbourneboy]

Thanks for all the input.

We have managed to have a few really deep conversations the past 12 hours.

She has been apologetic and saying she just has felt really stressed out about the wedding and its ment to be an exciting time for us and she is just feeling the pressure. Like the wedding is all about everybody else and not us. She jokingly even mentioned she would rather just elope.

 

We have decided to push on. We know we are ment to be together and have a really strong love for each other.

 

We went through pre marital counciling for 4 weeks and none of this came up. I'm sure the withdrawal is having alot to do with how she is thinking the last cpl weeks.

 

I can't imagine my life without her and after 10 years together and living together for 7 we practicaly feel married.

[warshaw]

Ok she's been on drugs for years now she's clean and now she wants to reevaluate the relationship.

 

That says one thing. The sober her doesn't want to commit.

 

Cancel the wedding, just because it's all paid for is no reason to enter a legal and binding contract with her. Besides, she doesn't want to get married so it's not like you have a choice.

[melbourneboy]

I guess nobody really knows the situation unless you are living it.

 

Im sure we will get through this as we have been through alot tougher things.

 

Her dad died a few years ago. My dad died last year and my groomsman has had to pull out of the bridal party because his only got a cpl of months to live ( terminal brain cancer )

So yeah we have had alot going on

[d0nnivain]

Cold feet is natural; you are about to take a big step. To have a few moments of reflection isn't a bad thing.

 

The issues arise here because if she is newly clean why are her sponsors & counselors even letting this marriage move forward? You need some input from those professionals here. Was she addicted during your entire relationship? If so, even though she's clean at the moment you really need to determine if this is truly the right thing.

 

If you haven't had pre-martial counseling, get some ASAP.

 

Losing all of the wedding deposits is still preferable to marrying & then paying for a divorce a few months in.

[melbourneboy]

Cold feet is natural; you are about to take a big step. To have a few moments of reflection isn't a bad thing.

 

The issues arise here because if she is newly clean why are her sponsors & counselors even letting this marriage move forward? You need some input from those professionals here. Was she addicted during your entire relationship? If so, even though she's clean at the moment you really need to determine if this is truly the right thing.

 

If you haven't had pre-martial counseling, get some ASAP.

 

Losing all of the wedding deposits is still preferable to marrying & then paying for a divorce a few months in.

 

 

Thanks for the reply.

She has battled this addiction for a few years now so no not our whole relationship. It all started when her Dad died or got worse then.

We have had pre martial counseling ( prepare enrich) we scored the highest he has seen in the compatibility test. Yes there are issues we have to work on but what relationship is perfect?

 

She is accually working on wedding invites today with some of the bridal party. She obviously is a little all over the place at the moment but i belive we can work through this together.

[Winterina]

Don't listen to any of the panicked advice you got so far. Nobody knows you or her. Everyone will give you advice on the basis of their own crappy experience and will not take into account that everyone is different.

 

Go for it!

 

She started using drugs after her dad died to cope with it. She is off it now and withdrawal is hard.

ANYBODY would feel pressure of the wedding and think harder than ever about relationship, let alone a person going through something like that.

You two scored the highest points on compatibility test. That is really something!

 

Nobody is perfect. You two seem really good together.

Have a great wedding!

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks for the reply.

She has battled this addiction for a few years now so no not our whole relationship. It all started when her Dad died or got worse then.[\QUOTE]

 

You'd have to be more specific about her addiction and it's impact on her life to get better feedback. Was her hospital stay connected? What form of codeine did she take?

 

Regardless, it's an opiate and recovery from those is a long road. Marrying someone one week into the process is at least problematic and the wedding planning process may be a distraction from her recovery. What help is she getting?

 

You might attend a Nar Anon meeting, some potential bumps ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[warshaw]

Don't listen to any of the panicked advice you got so far. Nobody knows you or her. Everyone will give you advice on the basis of their own crappy experience and will not take into account that everyone is different.

 

Go for it!

 

Panicked advice? These two are about to enter a lifelong commitment, and she's reeling and confused and recovering from years of drug addiction and she is in no place to make such an important decision.

 

The wedding can always be rescheduled, but once they're married it's not so easy to undo it all.

 

Marriages fail all the time, even when the married couple seems to have everything going for them and they have no doubts whatsoever.

 

Given the doubts she has at this time, it's a very unwise move to suggest they throw caution to the wind and "go fit it".

 

We're not talking about a week long vacation here. This is FOREVER.

[melbourneboy]

Don't listen to any of the panicked advice you got so far. Nobody knows you or her. Everyone will give you advice on the basis of their own crappy experience and will not take into account that everyone is different.

 

Go for it!

 

She started using drugs after her dad died to cope with it. She is off it now and withdrawal is hard.

ANYBODY would feel pressure of the wedding and think harder than ever about relationship, let alone a person going through something like that.

You two scored the highest points on compatibility test. That is really something!

 

Nobody is perfect. You two seem really good together.

Have a great wedding!

 

Thanks this is the best advice so far.

I posted this originally because i was taken back by what my fiancé mentioned to me. To be frank im glad she was honest with me to let me know where her head was at.

 

Yeah we are going to have our struggles but who doesn't right? We have had a great day together and have had alot of discussion about where we are at and what we need to do to make our relationship better.

 

Thanks to everybody for their input its good to know there are people out there who will listen.

 

Good day

[warshaw]

Thanks this is the best advice so far.

 

It's not the best advice but it's what you want to hear because you want to keep it moving forward and you don't want to go through the hassle of canceling the wedding despite the red flags.

 

Think this through man.

[Lois_Griffin]

It's not the best advice but it's what you want to hear because you want to keep it moving forward and you don't want to go through the hassle of canceling the wedding despite the red flags.

 

Think this through man.

^^^^^ REPEATED FOR TRUTH ^^^^^^^^

 

The delusional 'advice' that you found to be the 'best' was probably the worst I read in this thread. But denial is a powerful thing.

 

You'll see.

 

Good luck to you.

[warshaw]

He's going to push ahead and marry a recovering drug addict who has only been clean for a week and is suddenly experiencing significant doubts and he's going to brush it off as "pre-wedding jitters".

 

One anonymous internet poster says ignore all the other advice and push right on ahead with the wedding and he's like "thanks for the great post that's exactly what I'm going to do!"

 

I'm imagining two trains on the same track heading closer and closer to each other, and the engineers both think they see something up ahead on the tracks but they're like, "no way I'll just keep rubbing my eyes until I don't see that rapidly growing black speck in the distance, because someone told me it's nothing".

[Winterina]

Oh dear... First of all, it is a friggin' codeine!!! You had it yourself in your over the counter medicine. She is not illegal drug user. I brought over the counter flu medication from Australia once, it had codeine to help me sleep at night while I had flu. She might have used it for mild to moderate pain release for which it is usually prescribed, for sleep disturbances, etc.

 

Secondly, you people are talking as if it is a matter of life and death, and not a marriage with the person you love and live with for 10 years and maybe somewhere down the line, possibly, very uncertainly, a divorce.

Divorce can happen, yes. Marriage is the leading cause of divorce, yes.

 

Even when you marry a perfect person, there are no guarantees that you will not face a divorce.

 

OP, it is better to do and regret, than not do and regret.

 

Do not reject someone and put them to doubt your feelings, just because they hit a bump in life and are not perfect.

 

Addiction is something she will get over with support and love of her family and you. If you push her away (which is what postponing the wedding will mean to her) you might push her deeper. That is not what friends do, that is not what people who love someone do. Embrace it, raise above it, and be her support.

 

And if it turns out you made a bad judgement, at least you will have given it your best shot.

If you postpone your plans and she closes off, you will never know what might have been. You will spend the lifetime wondering, what if I was there for her and did not chicken out of the wedding when she had issues?

Edited September 12, 2015 by Winterina

[warshaw]

it is better to do and regret, than not do and regret.

 

It's best to not do and not regret.

[Winterina]

It's best to not do and not regret.

 

Cheap comment, cheap word play, and not applicable in this case because you are basically telling OP to go ahead cancel the wedding to a woman he spent 10 years with and he loves, just because she is getting off of codeine. And then not regret it ever in life. How ridiculous suggestion.

[warshaw]

you are basically telling OP to go ahead cancel the wedding to a woman he spent 10 years with and he loves, just because she is getting off of codeine. And then not regret it ever in life. How ridiculous suggestion.

 

It's no more ridiculous than your suggestion to go ahead and marry her because the worst thing that could happen is they get divorced.

 

It's not about her 'getting off codeine' its about her expressing serious doubts about the relationship a mere 2 months before the wedding.

[Winterina]

It's no more ridiculous than your suggestion to go ahead and marry her because the worst thing that could happen is they get divorced.

 

It's not about her 'getting off codeine' its about her expressing serious doubts about the relationship a mere 2 months before the wedding.

 

Divorce is not the end of the world. Him not marrying her and postponing plans would put some serious wedge between them and he would throw his future away. With marriage he has at least a chance, by not marrying her he is depriving himself and her of even the chance to be happy.

 

Sorry, your arguments are weak and do not hold water.

 

Having some doubts before the wedding is perfectly normal.

She had those doubts that were not crippling or overwhelming and they are already resolved.

What is your problem?

Also, I would respect her for being completely honest with him.

 

I really wish people did not try and ruin something that actually looks good. Not ideal, but good.

[melbourneboy]

Thanks Winterina

 

You are right. If i choose to postpone/cancell the wedding i would regret that for the rest of my life.

Yes divorce could happen but im pretty sure it could happen to any marriage. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to work on our relationship and im going to stand by my fiance in this difficult moment in her life.

 

Do you guys run at the first sign of trouble in your relationships?

 

Most/all of the advice in here has been terrible.

 

Thanks end of topic