LookAtThisPOst Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 A long time ago, during the dial-up days, late 90s...a single woman told me in a general statement that people should date their equals in looks and appearances. Basically, that they should stick to their own kind in the physical realm. She was very attractive, in fact, I saw her pop up on one of my friends FB posts out of the blue (yes she's still single). That made me recall the conversation back then I had with her. It does rather make sense, but I'm wondering why people don't do this anyhow? I think people, who don't look at themselves in a mirror or something, tend to still ONLY go for the upper echelon of those in looks an don't even ONCE consider their equals in appearance. Of course, they'll complain, "Why can't I meet anyone?!" Why do you suppose that is? Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 People want who they want. That's their right. When you hear "I can't find anyone." just translate it into your head as "I can't find anyone who fits my requirements." It will make more sense. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I don't necessarily think everyone has a limit based on how good looking they are. But I think there are some people who need a reality check. If you are not very good looking, then having an expectation that you need to date someone that looks like a model, is going to leave you frustrated most of the time. (unless you are extremely rich or some other extreme case) But couples aren't always a perfect match look wise. And peoples looks change over time, some people age much better than others. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Years ago, I watched a documentary (entitled The Science of Love, I believe?) in which this topic was included. Science determined that IRL(they didn't mention the OLD phenomenon), we do know our "number" and - in *successful* matches - we do seek out others who are within 1 or 2 numbers of us, on this imaginary scale. It also included an experiment where men and women slept in the same shirt for a week and then those shirts were placed in jars. The opposite-sexed members sniffed the jars and successful matches were made when the 2 people involved liked each other's smells...proving the power of pheromones when selecting who we'll be with. With couples who'd been married for decades, they showed 3 photos of their mates (one real photo, one made to be uglier, and one made to be better-looking); those people who said they were "still in love" chose the better-looking photo of their spouse to be the 'real' photo, whereas those who said they were unhappy in their marriage chose the uglier rendition to be the 'real' photo. The whole show was packed with fascinating sh*t when scientifically dismantling the mysteries of human relations and relating. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I would never tell someone who they could or could not ask out. I may try to tactfully suggest that they might stand a better chance with Bernadine than with Destinee but I think it's quite boarish to suggest that people should refrain from making a sincere offer to whoever they find themselves interested in. I do think it's valid advice to say that you at least have to be in the league you want to play in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Looks are a value, but they aren't even close to the only one. Heck, they aren't even the best indicator of who is in what "league." I also hate the notion of "leagues." You're either happy with someone, or you're not. A lot of the "leagues" idea is purely self-limiting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 If you value the material then i guess i can understand what you are getting at. However, i find that love is very much a spiritual thing. The right person can make you feel like you are the most beautiful person ever... regardless if it's true. And beauty is not just about how you look. It's how you carry yourself. it's how you touch others. Beauty is something inside of you too.. so.. there's two parts to that equation, as always, with life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted September 11, 2015 Author Share Posted September 11, 2015 There's this one woman in our meetup, cute, but average looking, mid-40s. She rather lacks in personality though as she's not very engaging in conversation at some of the events I've which I've met her, be it pool parties, Fall bonfire events, etc. I actually know her former room mate who is now currently married and living in a city a couple of ours away. We got to talking about her ex-roomate and her dating criteria. Found out she's looking for a man with a fat wallet. She asked me (the married roomate) , "Do you have a mansion on the beach? That's the kind of man she's looking for." I was like, "Really, she's rather an average Jane type. Hate to say it, but the kind of man she's looking for is either already married or she's not the kind of woman THAT kind of man is seeking...alluding to the fact that she doesn't bring much to the table, esp. as average looking as she is. I knew this woman didn't' have much to bring to the table as she only worked a Customer Service call center job and nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Why are you with her...you can do better than her is a phrase i have actually i have had whispered about me....by peers of partners i have had, i was considered lacking i guess...but not by the guys who dated me...i think as another poster suggested there's something more to love than to just see whats in front of you...its seeing the heart of someone seeing the flaws and loving regardless....a lot of people might say love is blind or you can be blinded by love....i like to feel that love is actually seeing more than surface appeal....and leagues for me....are for football....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 I think it is a load of rubbish. Nobody is better than anyone else and looks are in the eye of the beholder. What about super confident but hideously ugly people, they should deliberately go after super models because they see themselves as "matching". The beautiful people with low confidence wont approach someone they have deemed superior to them based on looks alone, what crap. Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) Looks is a gift just like any other. It's just one of the few gifts that are apparent without getting to know the one who has it. If you don't have looks you sure have other natural talents that make up for it. So no limits really! Edited September 13, 2015 by regine_phalange syntax Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Singles should be as choosy as they want. There is no need to be in a relationship. They shouldn't be judged for choosing singlehood over dating someone they don't want to be with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
circlesinfinity Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Singles should be as choosy as they want. There is no need to be in a relationship. They shouldn't be judged for choosing singlehood over dating someone they don't want to be with. It's no need but a lot of us still want to date. It is like everyone wants the same type of people, what if you don't fit that mold the majority is looking for? That's what makes us go toward wanting a relationship because at lease we know someone wants us. I have been called a model type (usually from much older men)and ugly from guys that are around my age, which is sad. I am 28 years old now. I highly prefer a man in my age limit that is mature and I haven't even shot for the stars in the looks the department... What I mean is I have tried dating the average looking sweet guy who looks decent and is short, only to a victim to their insecurities. So honestly, I don't know if I fall under 'too good looking' or notm Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 Singles should be as choosy as they want. There is no need to be in a relationship. They shouldn't be judged for choosing singlehood over dating someone they don't want to be with. I know what you mean, but some or quite a lot of these singles start to complain about how they "can't meet any decent men/women" and yes, some have actually verbalized this IN their dating profiles, then they may want to give some flexibility to their dating criteria. Link to post Share on other sites
circlesinfinity Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 There's this one woman in our meetup, cute, but average looking, mid-40s. She rather lacks in personality though as she's not very engaging in conversation at some of the events I've which I've met her, be it pool parties, Fall bonfire events, etc. I actually know her former room mate who is now currently married and living in a city a couple of ours away. We got to talking about her ex-roomate and her dating criteria. Found out she's looking for a man with a fat wallet. She asked me (the married roomate) , "Do you have a mansion on the beach? That's the kind of man she's looking for." I was like, "Really, she's rather an average Jane type. Hate to say it, but the kind of man she's looking for is either already married or she's not the kind of woman THAT kind of man is seeking...alluding to the fact that she doesn't bring much to the table, esp. as average looking as she is. I knew this woman didn't' have much to bring to the table as she only worked a Customer Service call center job and nothing more. Lol! Have you seen reality shows? Those aren't the best looking women I've seen and they have men with a lot of money. When my brother was in private school, it was with mostly rich kids. They had mothers that society would not see as attractive. I am not sure if their relationships were perfect but a man with a fat wallet is not hard to find or be with...but I'm sure that money comes with a price of being controlled by him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 Lol! Have you seen reality shows? Those aren't the best looking women I've seen and they have men with a lot of money. When my brother was in private school, it was with mostly rich kids. They had mothers that society would not see as attractive. I am not sure if their relationships were perfect but a man with a fat wallet is not hard to find or be with...but I'm sure that money comes with a price of being controlled by him. I've met this woman, and I was actually surprised to find out from her former room mate had this kind of criteria as she's so mousy and shy and quite average looking. Her last boyfriend was bald, skinny, (no muscle), very average looking himself. Not sure of his financial status, but things didn't last between him and her. a man with a fat wallet is not hard to find or be with That may be true where you live, but where I live most of these men are married or spoken for, leaving the men with mediocre incomes (enough for them to pay the bills) to be the ones available. Link to post Share on other sites
circlesinfinity Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 I've met this woman, and I was actually surprised to find out from her former room mate had this kind of criteria as she's so mousy and shy and quite average looking. Her last boyfriend was bald, skinny, (no muscle), very average looking himself. Not sure of his financial status, but things didn't last between him and her. That may be true where you live, but where I live most of these men are married or spoken for, leaving the men with mediocre incomes (enough for them to pay the bills) to be the ones available. I am not sure about where I live either honestly, I was just using TV as an example. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Why do you suppose that is? The world of browsing for dates was brought to us by a small group of very creative people who settled primarily in what is now known as Silicon Valley back in the 60's. Catalog shopping for dates kinda turned into what I used to imagine reading the Sears Roebuck catalog back when I was a kid. Turn the page and enjoy the models. When we were young, dating occurred within or adjunct to one's peer group; this was a group one identified with and which accepted one as a member. If one's looks or family ties or socio-economic background didn't mesh, one was excluded and shunned. That's how social groupings work. The group also filtered for potential dating opportunities by making suggestions. Did some people go their own way? Yup, some did. It all depended on their personality and desire to be a member of social groups, or not. Today, with the internet, traditional social groups have lessened in influence and people in general are far more mobile and 'worldly' for lack of a better word and some have chosen the computer-organized social milieu to guide their decisions and associations. When it comes down to legal partnerships, though, it seems the traditions often come back with a force. I see that in the children and grandchildren of friends who are getting married these days. They definitely marry within their socio-economic group and attractiveness league. The movie star/construction worker (e.g. Liz and Larry) scenarios, of any permutation, are nowhere to be found. In my age group, with second and third marriages, it's more socio-economics/social status than appearance, since, save for a few sterling examples of eternal youth, we're all aging or aged. The limits are still well in play, but perhaps a different mix. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Right...I mean, they can TRY to hit on the model and if they succeed, than more power to them. Kind of like playing the lottery, if you buy 1 ticket, there's still a chance. But also in the same breath, they should also be realistic in what they seek. This is an EXCELLENT analogy...actually, for all things "dating". As the lottery logo says, "You can't win if you don't play", but there is always the unwritten disclaimer "Just 'cuz you buy A ticket, doesn't mean you're gonna win." Link to post Share on other sites
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 This is an EXCELLENT analogy...actually, for all things "dating". As the lottery logo says, "You can't win if you don't play", but there is always the unwritten disclaimer "Just 'cuz you buy A ticket, doesn't mean you're gonna win." Right, I've scored dates with women that fell in the pageant level of attractiveness based on the fact they were highly intellectual and not dumb "Hooters' type" bimbos. Usually really attractive women with a high intellect found me attractive enough to go out with me. So there seems to be an offset there Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 With an attitude like that it isn't surprising that she's still single. Yes, looks are a big aspect of attraction but it still isn't the whole package. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 I personally prefer to only date men who think ok gorgeous. This means that I don't confine myself to the likes of " hot " guys. I am super open, I branch out and I've managed to find intense chemistry with men who weren't hotties ( yet they had the same affect as a hottie on me) I'm slim and attractive but I'm no model myself, and I'm not winning any beauty contests and so I tend to date men at my own level or who are perhaps one or two points max, bellow me...( by societies standards, they are GORGEOUS to me and I am intensely attracted to them and would not even think to drop them because a more " conventionally " hot guy came along) As a woman, I prefer to date men who think they have done " well " to get me. I find these are the men who will, when we are out on a date, tell me that I look stunning. I actively avoid the men that all the hottest and younger women flock to. I am slightly unconventionally good looking myself so I just gravitate to my own kind my default........ I feel more comfortable with unconventionally hot men ( they are hot to ME and to some others, but the beautiful younger girls typically don't scout them) This is just what feels best for me. I'm currently trying with a man who thinks um very attractive and makes me feel beautiful even though I am not beautiful by most men's standards. I doubt I'd have this amazing feeling with a " hot " guy who typically dates hotter younger women than me....... They would likely second guess their relationship with me when all their friends and family subtly alluded to him " dating down ":sick: Lastly, because I was bullied my entire life for being " ugly ", and I have since blossomed to a straighted tooth slim " hot " 7/10 ( by the vast majorities standards) I still fear being teased or singled out for my lack of looks which is probably the strongest determinant against me dating the types of men that are venerated by " hotter, younger" women. I would live in fear that their friends and family would tease me or make rude remarks surrounding my looks. I don't even have a good experience of dating at my level. My ex ex was a tad bellow me and yet because we were so close in leagues, he felt he could do better and land a " super hotter 8/10" or beyond. His friends and family commented that I was too average for him. He wasn't even hot Tbh.......to some people sure, but he was no brad Pitt and yet I was still treated with disregard for not being an 8 or 9/10:sick: So yeah. I guess, irrespective of leagues, it's best to date partners who think the sun shines out of your @as Although self awareness regarding my looks helps me immensely.... I have had wonderful experiences mostly due to the men I date genuinly thinking I'm gorgeous. I don't shoot " too high " or for the types of men that the beautiful women are aiming for, because, well, I am not beautiful I guess. Yet I am beautiful to some men who are at or below my league. Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Some of this is "enforced" by judgments from society. I recently experienced the dating down judgment for the first time ever. My friend doesn't have a lot of social graces and she asked me to tell her about X, the new woman I'm dating. I told her there's not much to say at this time. Then she mentioned how her friend M and she had noticed we might be dating. M said, isn't she too old for him? It kind of made me feel bad, like they weren't approving of my choice. I'm 48 and she's 56. I've dated women as young as 28 but most of the women I date these days are in the low 40s. The 56 yr old woman has a nice physique, and attractive smile, is in shape and is a lot of fun. She thinks I'm quite a catch but I don't feel like I'm "dating down" but people are still judgmental. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 More than looks we all want to be really accepted and understood by someone who is not a blood DNA relative. We want to be choosen for who we really are and not any of the persona's we all adopt to get through the day. (i.e. Work me, school me, church me etc.) That sets one's league as much as looks. Education and socioeconomic factors are a big part of this. My personal life is a bit more complex because I am transgender. When it comes to XY male men it is simple and straighforward wit them. They know what they like. They don't think it is gay for them to like me. They see me as a woman, and want to have a good time with me. We can hang out, go out, have fun, have sexuality with no problems. They would be completely ideal for me but for one thing I wanted by now in my life. Children. They can't have my children and they can't get what it is like to be trans themselves. That is why I will date a transman (Female to male) or even a tomboyish woman. The women I wrote of here S, E and M were all tomboyish to the point that on a normal daily basis it was really odd and out of place to see them not dressed like a guy in most ways. They were able to give me much of what I have with men with the added benefits with them I could have children, and be fully understood. Great.... but....they were not out (to themselves. Often their friends and families knew they weren't heteronormal). That differing level of outness inspite of any and all other sameness lead to break ups. They would all go on to date "normal" guys, one got married and I hear divorced really quick. :/ Another one has remained in orbit for a while. That is a matter of real values and outlook. Their reactions to this were always perplexing... acting very into me...very affectionate and very sexual then pulling back hard...rinse...repeat. That is why I wrote of them more. My point: Leagues based on looks, genes, education, interest, family backgorund, family similarities, culture , and I'll say it race matter. (If you are LGBT then outness also comes into play.) Looks are most influential because it is only by looks that we get close enough to find out about the other things. However, if those other things aren't there most intelligent people don't go any farther. Having sexitime with someone just based on looks is a mistake most people don't make or learn a hard lesson or two from. Link to post Share on other sites
Krieger Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 At the end of the day men go for the hottest woman he can afford to date. Woman go for the most successful man she can attract. For example i work retail so i have can only really date woman working dead end job. It is more about socail or econimac status than looks. Link to post Share on other sites
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