Nervous about son's trip to see absent father [UPDATE]

[Kayaen42]

My son is 5 now with a father whom I had a four year relationship with in which he admitted to cheating on me throughout the course of the entire relationship, saying he stopped trying to change after I got pregnant.

 

When our son was born, shortly after he asked me to go back to work and put our son in daycare so that he could stay at home and wait for auditions. I went back to work, but refused to put our son in daycare and instead found sitters for the odd job he would get.

After our son turned one, he went on a trip for work that ended up becoming extended to over a month. At this point, he told me he did not miss our son, did not want to come home and that he thought something must be wrong with him for feeling this way. I ended up moving home with family (overseas) but always felt a tad guilty for moving so far away, limiting our son's ability to see his dad.

 

I am now engaged and in a very stable, loving family environment and living closer to my son's dad temporarily. He recently got married and I have been encouraging and positive about that to him. We invited he and his wife to stay with us for a few days as my son has had so little contact with his dad and I wanted my son to feel safe visiting him without me. He has paid minimal child support and still feels as though it is asking a lot from him.

 

My concern is that the reason he is having our son come to stay with them is not out of genuine love, but because he wants to please his new wife and prove he is capable of being a family man. I say this out of the fact that he has shown very little effort to see him since we moved closer, blaming it on finances, until I mentioned how surprised I was that he wasn't making more effort to them both, to which the next day he set up a trip.

 

Everyone in my life thinks I have been way too nice and accommodating to him. In truth I have as I believed he would disappear otherwise. Since his nature is to be out of sight, out of mind, I don't want my son to bond with his Disneyland dad only to be hurt and disappointed later on in life when he flakes out again. I know it's not fair to restrict visitation either, as there has been so little, but I do truly worry for my son's heart being broken by it over time.

 

I wonder how to handle this going forward with my son. He is getting so excited to see him and I don't want him to get hurt.

[Chi townD]

Nothing really for you to do. I mean, he is the father of that kid and maybe he's finally grown up and wants to step up to the plate and be his dad. Your son seems excited at the prospect as well.

 

 

So, the only thing you can do is be the parent that he needs. If this dude flakes out, your son needs to know that you'll always be there for him. That you'll be that shoulder to cry on and you will be a constant support to him. That no matter what happens, you'll always be there for him and you will never abandon him. Your son will know this, and he'll love you for it.

 

 

If you go into it with that mindset, then I think you'll put yourself at ease.

[Mr. Lucky]

I commend you for putting your son's interest first, nice to see.

 

Keep the dialogue going with your son but let the relationship happen organically. Your exH wil reveal himself in good time, warts and all. May not be all you son wishes it were, such is life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kayaen42]

UPDATE

My son has been visiting his father for one week now and returns this week. His father took him on a big road trip to visit family and friends in France the day after my son arrived (they live in Germany) and only informed me a few days later after I asked how things were going as I hadn't had much contact. I am really upset as it was a 10 hour drive and he took him to another country without telling me his plans... I would have been okay with it, but obviously this is a lot for a child to take in that barely knows his dad, not to mention that if some kind of accident happened, I would not have known where they were! I think it would have been better for them to spend the time all getting to know each other without putting such a big whirlwind trip on his shoulders and saving this for another visit. My son has been diagnosed with Asbergers syndrome (his father denies he has it) and major transitions like this can cause him to shut down emotionally. I don't think it's fair that his father did not discuss this with me, listen to my concerns and work with me as a team to plan accordingly. I am upset and wondering how to approach this???

Edited September 27, 2015 by Kayaen42

[Kayaen42]

I posted on here recently about my 5 year old son going to see his absent father.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/547277-nervous-about-son-s-trip-see-absent-father

 

We live in Switzerland, he lives in Germany and my son left just over a week ago to spend time there.

 

This is a big trip for him (he has Asperger's syndrome and big transitions and changes can be really difficult for him to take on; he can shut down emotionally) as he barely knows his father and was required to take a plane as an unaccompanied minor to get there. I spoke with my son and he seemed excited and brave, so I agreed to him going unaccompanied after some reflection.

 

Within a day after his arrival, they took him to France on a road trip, a 10 hour drive, without telling me to visit some family and friends.

 

I was very upset that they did not inform me of this in advance, especially as they had zero contact with me unless I inquired, and told me only a few days after they got there that they were visiting and staying with several different people along the way. My concern was that not only does my son barely know his father, he was thrown into a situation where the trip no longer becomes about bonding with him but about showing him off to others, adding a lot of stress of travel, demanding a lot from him, and limiting the amount of time they had to bond as a family. I feel it was not taking his needs and best interest into consideration, but more for them to have an adventure.

 

I asked my son's father very calmly and nicely upon their return to please let me know if they plan on leaving the country they are in beforehand as I have all of his insurance information, etc. and if something were to happen and I was unaware of where they were, it wouldn't be as safe for our son.

 

Right after this, he completely lost it and blew up at me, telling me he is his FATHER and it is his RIGHT to take him anywhere he wants WITHOUT telling me. He became extremely hostile in front of our son, telling me that I was a bad parent because our son had dirty fingernails and wax in his ears when he arrived. I started crying and was extremely hurt as I have spent the last 4.5 years of my life working extremely hard to provide a better life for us with almost no visitation from his father, working, going to full time school and caring for our special needs child alone until I met my fiancee 1.5 years ago.

 

He chose to let his son go, has complained about minimal child support as though I was abusing him, denied he has any autism even though it has been diagnosed, blamed me for any signs of it for placing him in a highly rated autistic school as the reason he shows them as imitating other children with the disorder and told me he didn't "want our son going to school with retards."

 

I am really sad. I feel like I have done everything in my power to make this a situation where we could all be friends and my son would feel safe. I have tried really, really hard to get him to step up and be a participant, a teammate to raise my son with and have been met with flakiness, hostility and ingratitude. I give up and don't know what to do in the future as I no longer trust them and feel they may start trying to fight for him out of spite...

we have never had a court agreement and I worry they may start to fight and file for it.

 

My question is what would you do? I honestly feel it is in my son's best interest for them to have a minimal role in his life, and I am worried that they may start filing for custody and continuing to be hostile toward me regarding the entire situation.

[turnera]

Well, now you know. He's better off not seeing his father for now. You're better off. Go back to your normal and move forward. Oh, and never let him go again until you have legally binding custody.

[spiderowl]

I feel for you. I also have a son with Asperger's and I know how he would have struggled with such changes some years ago. It's surprising how they do cope, though you will get the backlash when he gets back if he did find it very stressful.

 

It sounds like you are a very caring mum who has done her best with a child that needs a lot more consideration than others. I know how tough it is.

 

I suppose I would avoid going to court if at all possible. Once you get to a court, if the judge decides to be 'fair', your ex may end up with more visitations than you currently have or would have if you didn't bother. On the other hand, you might get full custody. It's all very unpredictable though. It is certainly worth seeking legal advise before risking court. At least a court should take into consideration your son's autism, but I guess it depends on how much understanding the judge would have of that. Most people do not understand unless they have a child with autism.