NursieGirl Posted May 14, 2005 Share Posted May 14, 2005 Hi all, I cheated on DH with OM, who also had Gf. We were good friends first. He actually TOLD Gf that he had a crush on me back in Sept., because he felt bad about it. Gf was not worried, thought it was a little crush. Only got worried once she realized I also liked him back! We told each other of our feelings. We often talked about what it would be like if we got together. "If you were my gf, this and that," "If you were my bf, this and that." He would ask me, "If we were together, would you do this with me?" OM also blatantly asked me, "Would you want a relationship with me?" I answered him, "I don't want to give up on DH yet," to which OM replied, "Oh, yeah, I don't want to give up on Gf yet, either." Do you think he was asking this because he WANTED a relationship? Or just because he wanted to know what was going on? Dh thought he was just a player, but I don't think players usually do the things that OM was doing. DH finally found out about us, but OM and I remained friends. We never had sex, but it was more emotional and a little bit of physical stuff happened. OM wanted to know if I used him as some sort of tool with DH??!!?! NOt at all! Once OM's Gf found out that he and I had done some physical things, OM was living in his car for several days (they live together). Now OM says that he should stay with Gf because she has been with him for awhile (a year and a half) and Gf told him that once I get to know him better, I won't like him anymore anyhow. OM is asking me if DH and I are going to stay together, or if we will get a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 My, my, what a sordid state of affairs... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NursieGirl Posted May 15, 2005 Author Share Posted May 15, 2005 .... Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 I thought you said you didn't want to give up on DH. If that's true, you shouldn't care about what OM wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NursieGirl Posted May 15, 2005 Author Share Posted May 15, 2005 but that was then and this is now. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 OM wants you, that much is certain. He simply doesn't want to jump ship if there's no boat waiting for him. No telling what he'll do though... he may get cold feet and stay with his girl. I'm glad I don't know any of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NursieGirl Posted May 15, 2005 Author Share Posted May 15, 2005 LOL about not knowing any of us...... we're actually nice people....but in peculiar spots.....I bet if you met us, you'd actually like us... we're actually college educated people... not Jerry Springer people, if you can believe it... Sometimes these things happen.... I NEVER thought this would be me, that is for sure. I've been involved in hard-core Christianity for the past 8 years, so this was all a huge shocker to me.... Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 I'm sure you're all cool people... sometimes religion fails when it comes to affairs of the heart. I don't know your situation, and I'm not going to ask since it doesn't seem to be an issue with you. That's cool. Besides, you sound like you have a great sense of humor. Oh well, things happen and people change. I'm probably preaching to the choir on this one (even though I'll never be a preacher). LoveShack can be so addicting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NursieGirl Posted May 15, 2005 Author Share Posted May 15, 2005 LoveShack can indeed be addicting.....I love reading these boards. Especially since my life is so screwy (obviously!) So it's interesting to read about other people's lives...I'm the person that everyone thought was the perfect Christian wife.. now people are telling me that they are afraid to get married because of me! Yipes! I don't even know what happened...I guess I just fell in love with OM... he does seem scared and seems to think that I won't stay w/him if we have a relationship.... Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 Good luck with the OM, although I can't accept that you didn't know what happened. That's just a way to avoid dealing with the issues, because nothing just happens on its own. There's always an underlying reason for a failed marriage. I'm not going to judge you for it, since I'm sure your religious community is more than willing to pick up the slack. But to say that you don't know what happened is an insult to my intelligence. I have this hunch that you don't want to face the realities of your situation. If I'm wrong that's cool, but I can't accept that it just happened, because sooner or later it'll come back to bite you in the ass... that's what worries me the most. I'm sure there are pressures associated with playing the role of the perfect Christian wife, some of them unfair, no doubt, but the best Christian wives, in my opinion, are the nuns who live in a convent high up on the hill. They're in place where they can't cheat with anyone, minus a few "lost" candlesticks here and there. That said, I could sure use a nurse right now... would rather be enjoying my Saturday night outdoors. It sucks to have the flu. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NursieGirl Posted May 15, 2005 Author Share Posted May 15, 2005 I guess you could say that I do know what happened, but it sort of slapped me in the face is what I am trying to get at. I knew that I was not happy-- although I did not realize it. For the past two years, I've been telling DH that I was very bored. He likes to stay in, and I like to go out. We had other problems, as well (not a good match sexually, in-laws, etc.), but that one was a biggie. Anyhow, I was not happy and I never complained to anyone, b/c Christian wives don't complain about their H's. I also did not really want to be a Christian housewife anymore. I'm more the career type... H wants a domestic goddess.. and I didn't want that.. So, OM strolls into my life and looked at me in a way that I'd never been looked at, talked to me in a way that I'd never been talked to, listened to me in a way I'd never been listened to. We also have everything in common. What I'm saying when I say that I don't know what happened is, I know what happened in my marriage that was messed up, but I just didn't expect to like someone else, after being with H for 8 years, and never, and I do mean never, even being remotely attracted to someone else at ALL! Until OM. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 Have you ever considered counseling? Don't know if you have children or not, but you might want to consider it for their sake. Don't know what the Christian folks in your area think about it, but you should consider it if hubby's willing to go. That is, unless you've reached your breaking point. You're probably not the only Christian lady on your block who has marital problems. I'm almost certain you're not. It's too bad you can't talk to anyone about this. Funny how certain people can make you feel a certain way... I know part of the reason you like the new guy is he's somone other than your spouse, and he evokes all those feelings you used to have, feelings that you thought were gone forever. It's still dangerous territory... you may see him differently in a few weeks or months, once the sugar coating wears off. Then you'll really be stuck between a rock and a hard place. First you'll be ostracized by the entire community. Then your husband will slam the door and throw you off the premises. I'd consider counseling before anything else. Am wondering why other users aren't responding... they're probably out enjoying their Saturday evening. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NursieGirl Posted May 15, 2005 Author Share Posted May 15, 2005 We are in counseling... but it's Christian counseling, and to be honest, I'm really not sure that I want to be a Christian anymore. Have known the OM for almost a year... know him pretty as we are best friends..even if things don't work out with him, would probably want to be single for ahwile instead of living the Bible-thumping life anymore really.... DH and I have COMPLETELY different backgrounds as well. We went to pre-marital counseling and the Pastor had told us that that would be our biggest challenge. OM has a very similar background to mine. We have very similar personalities, as well. I only became a Christian when I was 18- and I'm 26 now. (DH is 28; OM is 23). My family and friends said that I became very different when I became a Christian, and they didn't like it. I am now back to how I was before I was a Christian. My friends and family all thought that I married DH because he was a "safe" guy. DH even said that he thinks that I married him because he was "safe" but now have found true love with OM!?!?!?!!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 I don't think Christian counseling will provide an objective outlook on your marriage... was hoping you wouldn't say that. It's definitely a lifestyle that is all-encompassing, all-encapsulating. Joining a religion often alienates people from their families... almost like a brainwashing effect. I think you've reached a point where you're about to break free of the Matrix. Do it now. Take the blue pill and get the hell out. I grew up in a Mormon community, but not in Utah... definitely very similar to Christians as far as their modus operandi is concerned. I left when they expected me to marry... at that point I'd had it with organized religion, and there was no way I'd be able to put up with being married under any religious banner. Life's improved so much since I left. Nothing personal to any believers reading this, but you need to get out now. You've sold me on your crusade. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NursieGirl Posted May 15, 2005 Author Share Posted May 15, 2005 I didn't want to go to Christian counseling, either..... The main reason why DH and I are not compatible anymore is this very reason- OM is not the only reason why-I am no longer interested in being a Christian, and he has become more than ever interested in it. OM is not a Christian at all. I'd really just rather get out of the whole chruch/religion/Christianity thing. DH is a good man, but I don't know if I can imagine my whole entire life being like this. You bring up a good point about the alienation and brain-washing. At this point in time, I am not supposed to talk to any non-Christian friends of mine, including my best friend who I've been best friends with since I was 12, or my own family, according to DH. He only wants me to talk to Christians at church, whom I've never really gotten along with. I talked to OM about these things, and he is the one who said to me, "You really do NOT seem happy, are you SURE you want to live your life like this forever?!" I really got to thinking. I took my marriage VERY seriously, but felt trapped. I did not have any money since I was a housewife for a long time. Now I'm working two jobs to save up and move out. I really do not want to imagine living the Christian life forever. As of now, I'm really not "allowed" to do an AWFUL lot of things. DH has also joined a new church recently which is even more crazy than any church he's ever been to. They are really charasmatic and into modern day healings, demon possession, and whole bunch of other REALLY nutso crazy stuff that I really cannot buy into. Being a Christian is one thing, but I feel like DH has gone off the deep end now, as to the point where there is really no point in me staying with him. Mormon, huh.... I've known a few of them in my day... I hope you are feeling better. The flu sucks. I'm in nursing school now.... Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 Your hubby has gone off the deep end... I feel bad that you're not allowed to contact your family or close friends. That's inexcusable, but then again, membership has its privileges. After all, not everyone can be exclusive. I'm cool with Mormons, provided they respect me as an adult who's capable of making his own decisions. My family doesn't have a problem with it, even though my mother still breaks my balls from time to time. But she's just being good old mom, so I can't blame her. But I'll never date a Mormon girl again... I learned my lesson (too many hoops). I know a lot of Christians who hate Mormons... it can get pretty ugly if you put them in a room together. I'd actually pay to see them wrestle. Well, maybe not. You can always become a Protestant or Non-Demoninational, if you choose to stay religious. I recommend Buddhism... you don't even have to congregate with others. It's all about inner peace and accepting that you will suffer because you are human. That means I shouldn't complain about being sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NursieGirl Posted May 15, 2005 Author Share Posted May 15, 2005 I would have to agree that hubby has gone off the deep end!!!! I do talk to my family an my friends on the down-low... don't tell hubby... I don't think I would ever want to date a hard-core Christian ever again.... I do believe in the Bible and in Jesus/God, but I don't think I'd really want to go to church or anything like that.... Lots of hoops with Mormon girls, heh? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Share Posted May 15, 2005 You said it. I have nothing against them, but it would never work out. I'm too much of a radical. The thing is, I'd be in high demand as a former missionary with a college degree. But I left all that... and chose freedom (which is a subjective term in itself). I do date secular girls now, but I'm too laid back to give a damn about my dating life. Hope you use a calling card when talking to your family... that way hubby can't trace it. Anyway, I'd better rest now (between all this coughing). Feel free to PM me anytime. Would like to hear how everything turns out. Link to post Share on other sites
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