TrustedthenBusted Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Another one bites the dust. Had a good friend of ours tell us they are getting divorced because hubby was cheating. Turns out the guy was nailing everything he could get his ankles around at the office. Classic scenario. Family man. Super nice guy. Great wife and beautiful kids. VP at his company, financially secure, cut from good stock on both sides of the family. You know... all that bullcrap stuff you see as an outsider. The wife is naturally devastated, as she was "happy" until she discovered all of this, quite by accident. ( Dummy left his text messages open the phone at home. ) So she is coming over tonight discuss it all with us, her good friends, the perfect couple. lol. ( nobody knows ). This has happened a few times in the last few years, and the irony is never lost on me. Oh well. You know what they way...what ever doesn't kill you, wasn't trying hard enough... or something like that. Anyone else ever have to counsel people through this while hiding their own secrets? My struggle is providing advice without sounding like the infidelity expert that I've become. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 So she is coming over tonight discuss it all with us, her good friends, the perfect couple. lol. ( nobody knows ). This has happened a few times in the last few years, and the irony is never lost on me. . After all she chose the perfect couple to discuss this with. experience is gold I wonder what you would advise her to do Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted September 11, 2015 Author Share Posted September 11, 2015 I vowed almost 8 years ago that I would always participate with honesty in all areas of my life. Why would you pretend? Why protect your wife from what is real/what SHE created? Maybe it's time to be honest about what your life experience is. It certainly is more helpful to others - they can understand better why you know from experience. If not, support the friend the best way possible. Yes, I've helped many...but I do so with honesty. I don't sugar coat anything to save someone's behind. Thanks for this. For us, it's not really about sugar coating or pretending to be something we aren't. We're very honest about having had our difficult times. That said, it's just something we prefer to keep to ourselves. I've seen what happens when you share too much of your private life with friends and family, and frankly want no part of that nonsense. I don't think its being dishonest to keep private matters private. I think we can help HER with HER issues without necessarily discussing ours. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Anyone else ever have to counsel people through this while hiding their own secrets? My struggle is providing advice without sounding like the infidelity expert that I've become. yes... i felt like the biggest hypocrite. it's like telling someone how to climb a mountain without failing when you know damn well you failed more than dozen times. you can provide advice and sound like a pro... no worries. she'll probably assume you advised someone else before. although not sure what will you advise her about since she decided to divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I personally don't see any point in hiding anything. It is a part of your lives. It is a experience you have both lived through and are continuing to learn from. Not everyone can reconcile so if you opened your selves up to her she might understand more how to heal. My heart breaks for your friend. Its so sad just how selfish people are these days. C Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 We have told very few people.....and if you are reconciling...it isn't always best to tell everyone. It was my husbands decision not to tell others about my affair. He wanted reconciliation...and felt telling others might complicate things. I told my mother...and he actually turned to her for help. She was a smart mom...she loved me...but she also knew I was wrong. I don't know what John would have done if he had not had my mom. We have tried to help others...and sometimes you can without telling your past...or at least telling everything about your past. But sometimes...telling people about my affair gives them hope. You are a really good friend to help her...best of luck to you all. I know you will handle it the best way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Anyone else ever have to counsel people through this while hiding their own secrets? My struggle is providing advice without sounding like the infidelity expert that I've become. I have talked to other couples who are getting divorced or have had infidelity. Very few of my friends know the full story of what I went through (multiple affairs, multiple D-Days) so I just treat it like it was one affair and one D-Day. I figure it doesn't really affect what I tell people. Usually I relay everything I have learned. Not holding back anything. I just tell them I've done lots of reading and research on the subject. If your friends are totally in the dark, I would still share everything you know about what they are going through, but make sure to help them come to their own realizations about what's up, versus tying it to your own tale of woe. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 With all due respect for the seriousness of the situation (yours and theirs), I would think it completely understandable if you were to privately, off in the deepest recesses of your mind, never to see the light of day, find a little entertainment value in watching your wife try to keep a straight face while advising your friends. And also to be at least slightly glad that someone else is helping, however inadvertently and tragically, to further enlighten your wife as to what she has done to her family. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 With all due respect for the seriousness of the situation (yours and theirs), I would think it completely understandable if you were to privately, off in the deepest recesses of your mind, never to see the light of day, find a little entertainment value in watching your wife try to keep a straight face while advising your friends. And also to be at least slightly glad that someone else is helping, however inadvertently and tragically, to further enlighten your wife as to what she has done to her family. I would think..if you are reconciling...you would not find it entertaining at all. But then....maybe I think differently..... If you are reconciling...your wife should certainly be aware of what she has done to her family....I doubt it ever leaves her mind...even 32 years after the fact....just like it doesn't leave yours. What you just described is revenge...and it really causes more harm than good....and I am quite certain..you are not the only one who feels the way you do...sigh....sadly...I get it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted September 11, 2015 Author Share Posted September 11, 2015 With all due respect for the seriousness of the situation (yours and theirs), I would think it completely understandable if you were to privately, off in the deepest recesses of your mind, never to see the light of day, find a little entertainment value in watching your wife try to keep a straight face while advising your friends. And also to be at least slightly glad that someone else is helping, however inadvertently and tragically, to further enlighten your wife as to what she has done to her family. HAHAHAA... dude, that's not in the deepest recesses of my mind. It's like third row right behind home plate! Although I don't really take enjoyment per se, I do acknowledge that my wife must squirm a bit in these situations. Sometimes I think her answers are as much for me as they are for the people we've counseled. But we've been through this drill a couple times. It's actually harder on her than it is on me. In fact, it's not hard on me at all. Just one of those things you get to live with I suppose once your marriage has the permanent tattoo of infidelity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Nothing wrong with using all your wisdom to counsel and support a friend. If she thinks you are an "expert" then so be it. I do agree with Mrs Adams that if you are reconciled, it is best not to disclose your wife's affair. When undisclosed your spouse's A to your friends and family, they may never again treat them well and may forever be resentful and that negativity can sabotage the reconciliation. If you are the one that strayed and you feel that your disclosure to specific friends and family is of benifit to the reconciliation/marriage and are willing to accept and deal with the fallout, then that is your choice. Disclosing your spouse's infidelity when the objective is reconciliation however is frought with many negative risks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Nothing wrong with using all your wisdom to counsel and support a friend. If she thinks you are an "expert" then so be it. I do agree with Mrs Adams that if you are reconciled, it is best not to disclose your wife's affair. When undisclosed your spouse's A to your friends and family, they may never again treat them well and may forever be resentful and that negativity can sabotage the reconciliation. If you are the one that strayed and you feel that your disclosure to specific friends and family is of benifit to the reconciliation/marriage and are willing to accept and deal with the fallout, then that is your choice. Disclosing your spouse's infidelity when the objective is reconciliation however is frought with many negative risks. I had an autocorrect typo that I can't edit. What I meant to say is when you do disclose your spouse's infidelity to your friends and family it can have very serious consequences to the reconciliation efforts. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Nothing wrong with using all your wisdom to counsel and support a friend. If she thinks you are an "expert" then so be it. I do agree with Mrs Adams that if you are reconciled, it is best not to disclose your wife's affair. When undisclosed your spouse's A to your friends and family, they may never again treat them well and may forever be resentful and that negativity can sabotage the reconciliation. If you are the one that strayed and you feel that your disclosure to specific friends and family is of benifit to the reconciliation/marriage and are willing to accept and deal with the fallout, then that is your choice. Disclosing your spouse's infidelity when the objective is reconciliation however is frought with many negative risks. I agree with this. Disclosure/ "exposure" to try to break up an affair makes perfect sense. Disclosing years later when in reconciliation serves no purpose. None. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 ...What you just described is revenge... Not revenge at all, just the same sort of pleasure we take in hearing our kids talk about some wonderful new thing they've learned from a teacher or a friend or another parent - the same wonderful old thing my wife and I have been trying to get through their thick skulls for a couple of decades, but which they only hear when somebody other than Mom or Dad says it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 With all due respect for the seriousness of the situation (yours and theirs), I would think it completely understandable if you were to privately, off in the deepest recesses of your mind, never to see the light of day, find a little entertainment value in watching your wife try to keep a straight face while advising your friends. And also to be at least slightly glad that someone else is helping, however inadvertently and tragically, to further enlighten your wife as to what she has done to her family. I would think..if you are reconciling...you would not find it entertaining at all. But then....maybe I think differently..... If you are reconciling...your wife should certainly be aware of what she has done to her family....I doubt it ever leaves her mind...even 32 years after the fact....just like it doesn't leave yours. What you just described is revenge...and it really causes more harm than good....and I am quite certain..you are not the only one who feels the way you do...sigh....sadly...I get it I see it as a scene in a movie, where we laugh at it while at the same time we see the seriousness of it. So I do not see it as revenge but laughing at life. For reality provides the material for some fun laughs. Look at the way comics build routines based on real life happenings. It would be very interesting to hear what his WW says to the other couple. Even more interesting to know what she does not say but thinks. I have no problem with the OP not wanting to reveal that they are a BH and WW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Anyone else ever have to counsel people through this while hiding their own secrets? My struggle is providing advice without sounding like the infidelity expert that I've become. I have been there for my friends, some of who have been the OW and some the BS and I have never kept my A or my WH's A's secret. Didn't really see a need to as I'm not really concerned about what others think. We are real people with real life experiences and no one is perfect. Sometimes it is exactly what the betrayed needs, to hear it from someone who has actually been through it, both you and your wife. If your wife is okay with revealing the past I think it would be good for this BS to hear both sides, or possibly lead her to some good forums on infidelity Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 It would be very interesting to hear what his WW says to the other couple. Why? Because since she cheated, if she condemns cheating she is a hypocrite? Did any of you who told your kids not to do drugs ever do them? Did any of you who told your kids not to drink underage never do that? A WS is supposed to change, turnaround, hate what they did....and yet if they express that hate they are being disingenuous? Ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I agree with this. Disclosure/ "exposure" to try to break up an affair makes perfect sense. Disclosing years later when in reconciliation serves no purpose. None. Period. Even disclosure to break an affair needs to be specific and methodical. Disclosing to the WS' s immediate family might help in clearing some of the affair fog if you believe their family would be supportive of the marriage/reconciliation and try to talk sense into them. The BS should rarely if ever disclose to their own family if there is any possibility of reconciliation because they may turn on the WS bad enough to further complicate the R. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Why? Because since she cheated, if she condemns cheating she is a hypocrite? Did any of you who told your kids not to do drugs ever do them? Did any of you who told your kids not to drink underage never do that? A WS is supposed to change, turnaround, hate what they did....and yet if they express that hate they are being disingenuous? Ridiculous. I would think it would be interesting as another window into what she has learned - providing an opportunity to express herself in a way which she might not do with her H. In pretty much the same way as teaching and interacting with students provides an opportunity to show your understanding of a subject different from what is done by taking a test or writing a paper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted September 11, 2015 Author Share Posted September 11, 2015 So what kind of input does your wife offer to these situations? I would think that might tell you a lot...? Well in the past, she's just sort of agreed with the hurt party on just about everything. It was wrong, hurtful, malicious, intentional etc. I mean...what else can she say? She has never defended the WS or their actions, or made any sort of excuses for them other than they made some seriously stupid choices. One time I recall her telling a friend that her WS likely just "got caught up" and never really thought about the reality of what she was doing. It was that sort of "compartmentalizing" thing she used to talk to me about. I hated hearing that me and the kids were " compartmentalized" but the reality is.... we were. The gal coming over tonight probably doesn't actually want any advice, but to drink wine and vent and vent and go over all the gory details. If anything I expect my wife to just be comforting. This gal is getting bigtime trickle-truth and gaslighting, and I think it will be good for my wife to see how damaging that really is. Even in a divorce scenario, it's still damaging. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 I had an autocorrect typo that I can't edit. What I meant to say is when you do disclose your spouse's infidelity to your friends and family it can have very serious consequences to the reconciliation efforts. Agreed. In fact, I'd decline the opportunity to play amateur MC and refer your friend to an IC or MC specializing in the field. Given that you travel in the same circles, there could be unintended consequences from the interaction... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 (edited) How about this - I have a friend who is having an affair (her H doesn't know) and gives marriage counseling to couples. (lol) Edited September 12, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 How about this - I have a friend who is having an affair (her H doesn't know) and gives marriage counseling to couples. (lol) lol that's sad. I heard somewhere that MC therapist have a higher rate of Divorce that any other therapist. I have a friend who's a counselor too and told me about a the guy that trained him who's one of the most successful therapist in the area is "player" who is cheating on his wife all the time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 lol that's sad. I heard somewhere that MC therapist have a higher rate of Divorce that any other therapist. I have a friend who's a counselor too and told me about a the guy that trained him who's one of the most successful therapist in the area is "player" who is cheating on his wife all the time To add to the craziness of it, she is also an ordained minister and the man she is having an affair with is a church pastor. The affair is both emotional and physical and neither of their spouses know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 To add to the craziness of it, she is also an ordained minister and the man she is having an affair with is a church pastor. The affair is both emotional and physical and neither of their spouses know. really!! are they having their PA in the church? :lmao: right after the sex they would just pray to Jesus to bless their betrayed:bunny: spouses Link to post Share on other sites
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