Procrastinator Control Freak

[CarboniteCammy]

My husband is a procrastinator control freak. Meaning, there are things he wants to do that affect other people, but he won't relinquish control or compromise and he also puts these things off until the last minute and it never works out for anyone.

 

I have several examples from family decisions to projects which involve our children which have been made more difficult because of his behavior.

 

One was a major decision we made together about our child which affected the grand parents. He elected to talk about it, "when it naturally came up in conversation," rather then being proactive and having a family meeting and appearing as a united front. Unfortunately for me, it "came up in conversation" with his mother when he was no where around and it now looks like I'm a giant jerk. Later, when it "came up in conversation" for him, he did explain to his parents, but the relationship hasn't been the same.

 

Another is the fact that our child has to change daycares due to the upcoming birth of his sister- meaning, I am pregnant. Rather then being proactive so that our three year old could get into the other day care and get used to the other daycare before having his world totally turned upside down by this birth, my husband elected to wait to the last minute despite my pleas with him to take care of this. He INSISTED he be the one to handle this. Now, I am 39 weeks pregnant. Our child still hasn't change daycares. So, he'll have to deal with the birth of his new sibling and changing daycares at the same time.

 

The last example I'll give is the nursery situation. Again, we've known about this pregnancy since December, and I've begged him to help me get things ready. My son is changing to a larger room. Both rooms need to be repainted. He was supposed to paint last weekend, but hasn't. It's clearly not going to get done before the baby comes and unfortunately it's something I am pretty emotional about.

 

What can I do here? How do I handle this? I've told him how I feel. I've asked him to hurry things up. I've explained how his actions negatively affect others.

 

I don't know what else to say.

[GunslingerRoland]

Sounds frustrating... I'm confused about the day care thing though...

 

Why don't you keep your 3 year old at home while you are on maternity leave, that gives you a year to worry about the child care.

 

I can't imagine paying for child care on only one salary.

[Winterina]

I have one of those but even worse case. He has adhd. 'There is nothing I can do about it. It is on him and he is incapable of change.

 

If you talked to him once, twice, three times about it and he still does it chances are that he will never change.

 

Maybe try counseling, together and separately before it turns into resentment. Maybe someone else can reach him.

[CarboniteCammy]

Thanks for your replies!

 

Well, unfortunately, we don't have family anywhere near us. Meaning, my family is in another state. I have no brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc close to me and my friends all work full time. We live way out in the country; nearly an hour away from all of our "city" friends.

 

I normally work full time, also. I have about a week and a half until my due date.

 

So, while maybe maternity leave sounds super easy (it's not), but if you are recovering from birth and trying to care for a new born and a toddler and you have no help because your husband works all day, it's not so easy.

 

I mean, it's not like I can say, "Hey mom, I'm not feeling well today and the infant is really fussy, can you come get the three year old for the afternoon?"

 

That would be a whole different scenario. At that point, there would be no issue about that. But, unfortunately, we have to work with what we have. Thankfully, I do get paid leave.

 

As for what he "has" I have no idea. Like...I think it might be something like OCPD. I'm not a psychologist. I just would really like him to be able to see something from someone else's point of view, like mine.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

The nursery part is easy. Hire someone to paint it. Your husband had his chance.

[CarboniteCammy]

That is a good idea.

 

I am having some friends come help me get the house cleaned up this weekend because I am due next week.

 

My husband gets annoyed when he has to do anything in the house to help out. He sees it as "women's work" and he's not kidding, so this pregnancy has been tough for both of us.

 

I'm not sure why I'm even saying this, but after this little one is born I am going to go to an attorney to see what my rights are should I decide to file for divorce.

 

I think maybe I'm tired of living out in the country and being so isolated and having no help and having a husband who doesn't seem to want a real connection.

 

He really really wanted this baby. I told him that as isolated as we are and with a toddler he was really going to have to step up and help and be proactive, especially in the latter months of this. I feel like he's really dropped the ball and let me down.

 

I'm not sure there would be much difference between being a single mom and being married to him, honestly.

 

Plus, he's the kind of dad who just wants to be there for the fun, but not the dicipline.

 

Ah well. I shouldn't ramble. One issue at a time. One day at a time. I'll let you know how it goes.

[bathtub-row]

And yet you keep having kids with this guy. If you end up staying with him, I would start by giving him deadlines. "I'd like to have this done by xxx. If it's not, this is Plan B."

 

I have an ex that I refer to as the benevolent manipulator. Emphasis on the word "ex".

[CarboniteCammy]

Yeah, he really had to convince me to have this one. For about 6 months prior to conception, he was a good partner. He stopped being as picky. He started taking more responsibility around the house. It was a different relationship. When I got pregnant again, things changed. I'm not sure why.

 

Deadlines don't for chronic procrastinators. He'll find a way to sabotage himself. He has some kind of issue with that. It's like he thinks things to death and thinks no one else can do as good of a job, so things just don't end up getting done.

[Els]

I'm going to play the devil's advocate and say that while I think he was wrong in some of the instances you mention, you probably could pick your battles better as well. I honestly don't understand why you're so emotional about the baby's room not getting a repaint... why? I know ideally you would like to have your new baby in a room with nice-looking walls but is it really THAT crucial? Nobody even remembers what the colour of the walls of their nursery was when they were a baby - or at least I certainly didn't - so I don't see how it would affect the baby at all. Unless there's a health issue involved (which I doubt since if there was mold or anything you would need to do more than just a repaint) I would personally either just let the room stay the way it is, or hire a painter if I really wanted it done. Not worth fighting about IMO.

 

On the other hand, as I said, I do think he was wrong to not handle the daycare issue. And him never doing anything around the house when you are pregnant and working full-time is just plain wrong, selfish, and inconsiderate of him.

 

If you want to stay with this guy (and I'm not saying you should, in fact I think talking to your attorney is a good idea), I'd recommend really thinking about which issues are important to you. If you keep making a big deal out of everything, you'll desensitize him towards any of your complaints - that's human nature. Then after you have thought long and hard about this, talk to him about the issues that ARE very important and leave the others be.

[Popsicle]

He probably responds better to being asked nicely, which is not the same as polite, if you know what I mean.

[ShatteredLady]

I completely get that painting a nursery is about 'Nesting' & that's really important. It's symbolic of so much. Nearly all the things you mention are preparation, nesting things. I get-it, the last few weeks are incredibly anxious anyway, add to that genuine fears about the future & I'm worried for you!

 

I had terrible post natal depression. Not nesting was a huge issue for me but it wasn't REALLY about painting... I too was very isolated. All my family & friends are in England, we live in the USA. Taking care of a toddler AND a new born baby is incredibly hard. Isn't child care one of the main reasons human beings evolved to pair off? It's incredibly stressful to feel isolated & neglected from the one person whs supposed to be your partner in this!

 

Take care of yourself. PLEASE keep a close watch on yourself, post natal depression sneaks up on you. You don't always realize what's happening. Now I can look back & see my pain & problems before I gave birth which created the issues once my daughter was born.

 

I'm so sorry that this is such a bad time for you. We are surrounded by the idea that pregnancy is such a special time...ugh! Not always & that alone is heart breaking.