bluefeather Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 This thought was started from what I came upon in this thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/547155-gf-8-years-broke-up-me I did not want to derail it so I decided to make my own. This is my first thread. I was not sure if I would ever make one of my own, since I usually prefer to read others and learn or just add my ideas to help others. It has been great therapy for me, but I suppose it is time for this. It may seem incoherent. They are just my thoughts that I needed to vent. (weird. Just as I was about to submit this, I accidently turned off my surge protector. thought it was a sign that I just should not speak about this yet. accepted it. turned comp back on and browser was able to restore what I had typed. a new sign: more assuredness than before that this was a good thing to do. ok, going forward.) Last night I read so much on that disorder. Threads linked here and other articles on the web. I try to be careful making statements like, "I am 100% certain of such and such,"with things that I relate to science, without proven tests, especially when it comes to making such a bold claim of an other person. But yes, this matches my experiences of her perfectly. Absolutely perfectly. Also she claimed her ex, who she ran away from me and back to, was a narcissist. I have read that people with BPD sometimes gravitate towards people like that because it is an agreeable balance, because for the narcissist he gets absolute affection from the BPD, and for the BPD, there is less tendency of feeling consumed by the affection of the narcissist, because he only shows a fake love. My goodness... Then I wondered about myself. What kind of person was I to put up with this kind of psychological abuse? What was my issue that I tried to hold onto her for as long as I could, and still sometimes suffer for being without her? Was I the "caregiver" ? The one who would go through pain of being with her to stay with her? That is not right. This is not who I wish to be. I need to watch my thoughts about this new found perspective, for as grateful as I am for the knowledge, an unhealthy mind could become obsessed and start a new cycle of pity for her and lead to yet another level of depression. As I was doing NC before, she did reach out to me. Never have I admitted this on here, and I did not plan to do it for a long time, if ever. I did not intend to tell my story, and I still do not think I will, at least not until enough time has passed. Not out of not wanting to share, for if I did not want to share, I would not have even said any of this. Honestly I am afraid of being discovered, as unlikely as that may be, and I am also still afraid to go back there. It is still too soon for me. But I can say with all of my heart that I love her. And I wish her so much happiness. Even as a stupid tear comes as a type that I know that probably in time I will be truly "ok." But I am sorry to say that today it hurts a little bit more, or maybe just in a different kind of way. Because now I know that she is incapable of understanding how much she really did hurt me. And I don't think she ever will. I just want you to be ok. I see much more now. you had a horrible upbringing, and I see now what it has really done to you. I promise that I will pray for you tonight. scratch that I will pray for you right now. venting over. Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Doesn't matter whether you still love her or not, point is that everyone else would say no whenever you ask if you should marry her or not. We have to return to reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 ...as grateful as I am for the knowledge, an unhealthy mind could become obsessed and start a new cycle of pity for her and lead to yet another level of depression. Blue, ALL knowledge carries with it the risk of being misused. So you are smart to be cautious. With BPD knowledge, my experience is that it is important to realize that learning how to explain a certain behavior does NOT imply you are trying to excuse it. There is a world of difference between explaining bad behavior and trying to excuse it. With BPDers -- as with young children -- it is very important that they be held fully responsible for their bad behavior and wrong choices. Otherwise, they will have no incentive to confront their own issues and learn how to manage them. This is why it is important for emotionally immature individuals to be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of their own bad decisions. (With young children, of course, there must be limits on those logical consequences so they don't end up being hit by cars or electrocuted by unprotected electrical sockets.) But I can say with all of my heart that I love her. And I wish her so much happiness. Like you, Blue, I find BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) to have childlike charms and spontaneity that make them so very easy to love. It therefore is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 Blue, ALL knowledge carries with it the risk of being misused. So you are smart to be cautious. With BPD knowledge, my experience is that it is important to realize that learning how to explain a certain behavior does NOT imply you are trying to excuse it. There is a world of difference between explaining bad behavior and trying to excuse it. Yes, I see. Today it is easier to digest that information. With BPDers -- as with young children -- it is very important that they be held fully responsible for their bad behavior and wrong choices. Otherwise, they will have no incentive to confront their own issues and learn how to manage them. This is why it is important for emotionally immature individuals to be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of their own bad decisions. (With young children, of course, there must be limits on those logical consequences so they don't end up being hit by cars or electrocuted by unprotected electrical sockets.) Understood. I held strong to NC, but a part of me wonders if there is any kind of exception to this rule under a circumstance such as this..? For how does a silent treatment from an adult affect a child? I will keep up with NC, but I do wonder. Like you, Blue, I find BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) to have childlike charms and spontaneity that make them so very easy to love. It therefore is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. Something to think about. Childlike qualities are nice, but not when they are constant. Not when they are due to a problem with the brain. Thinking further about this is making it easier to not want this person, at least as this is being typed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 I just realized I could use the "journal" section to write journals. silly me. I might actually try this out. Link to post Share on other sites
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