I am a terrible judge of character- but I am a horrible person.

[That_girl]

I am a horrible person.

 

I cheated on my partner with another guy. I was falling for this other guy, and ever since I slept with him- he has not contacted me at all. Very unusual for him, considering he has been texting me almost every day for months.

 

And I am feeling like he was sweet-talking me this entire time just to get me into bed…and it worked. I just can’t believe it. He has been pursuing me for a year- he doesn’t live closeby- so he has to drive almost an hour to come and see me, and he has been doing this weekly for almost a year. He told me that he could really fall in love with me the last time I saw him, which is when it happened. It was so easy…like having another drink when you know you probably shouldn’t.

 

Our relationship evolved from a friendship to a full-fledged affair. I am just having trouble grappling with the fact that this guy expended so much time and energy on me over the course of an entire year- just to sleep with me once. That’s ridiculous!! I don’t consider myself to be a terrible judge of character, I believe he was truly interested in me. He told me that he thinks about me every night. If that was his only goal..that is pretty ****ing pathetic.

 

And now I can’t even look my partner in the eyes without tearing up, he’s starting to get suspicious. I feel like I am going to lose both of them. So not only am I terrible piece of **** for cheating…I’m an idiot for believing that the other guy actually cared about me. I was going to leave my boyfriend for him too.

 

I really just want to vent about what a jerk I am. I deserve a bunch of responses telling me what a sad, sad woman I’ve become.

I just feel like I deserve every terrible thing that comes my way right now. ****.

Edited September 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[road]

You are surprised by your OM's morals?

 

 

They are willing to have an affair means they have bad morals. Yet you were willing to dump your BF for the OM. How could you want a relationship with the OM even before all this mess went down?

[BlueBlood]

Well, I'm not going to berate you. You know you made some very bad choices, swept up in the foggery of dumb a$$ decisions and your actions have big consequences. So let's take a breath and consider damage control.

 

First off.. Did the OM by chance have std testing done prior to your encounter and show you the results? Not tell you, but show you the actual lab results? If not get tested.

 

Have you slept with your boyfriend since the encounter with the OM? If so then he needs to know his health may have been compromised. If not, do not sleep with him until you see your doctor and get a clean bill of health.

 

That's step one. Protecting physical health and doing no more damage.

 

So dry your tears and get on that. Like yesterday.

 

You've already done untold emotional damage. Let's not add HPV or herpes to the list.

 

As for one year for a one nighter? Yeah weird, unless you consider he may be a serial seducer. For all you know he has ten girls he's claiming affection for in ten different towns. What's that old saying? A girl in every port?

 

Maybe he got off on the thrill of the hunt. Who knows. You fell for it though, so yes you can't be trusted right now. You're going to need counseling and you're right, you stand a very big chance of losing your boyfriend. You had two affairs. One lasted fifteen minutes in bed. The other one, the emotional affair, lasted a year. A year. Let that sink in.

 

A year of your heart turning to another.

 

That is going to devastate your bf. And you can't minimalize it or down play it. You get to own The Year of Treacherous Choices, and man is it gonna be hell to pay. Hence IC. Pronto.

[drifter777]

Unless you are 15 or 16 years old or have been shut up in a convent all your life I am honestly shocked that you are surprised this guys screwed you and forgot about you. This is what many guys do - and they do it over and over again. Be forewarned.

 

You enjoyed all the attention he showed you and the feeling of being "desired" by this man. You finally got to the point where you were willing to give him sex in order to keep all of that going. But he turned out to be a player and you got burned. Learn from it and move on. You do sound very young so maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship right now. It might be best to break it off with your boyfriend and go out and get some life (and sex) experience. You're only young once and this time really does go by fast so try to make the most of being single.

[warshaw]

You don't seem to care about your partner's feelings, only that they are "suspicious".

 

You don't seem to even feel bad for the deception involved in you screwing another guy!

 

I'd tell your partner and let him decide whether to keep you or not, and accept that he probably won't.

 

Then, going forward, learn to be loyal to your committed partner. You reap what you sow. It's not "sew" like so many people write.

[That_girl]

I got tested yesterday...I wouldn't expose my partner to anything or put his health in jeopardy. I do care about him- I just put myself first, my own needs, and my own desires. And I'll just have to live with it.

I guess I learned a few lessons here.

 

 

I had the suspicion that the OM was a bit of a player. But he is GOOD. Philosophy professor for God sake!! How was I supposed to know that his morals were even worse than mine? He is very intelligent and I guess that made him a better talker.

 

He was definitely showing interest and to be honest, I actually felt like he might be in love with me.

 

But now I see clearly... now that I have ****ed up royally... I can see that getting rid of him is the next step in making things right.

 

He just contacted me a little while ago. I plan on not responding. Ever again.

[BlueBlood]

Out of curiosity how old are you and your bf? How old is the jaunty and well spoken professor?

[irishguy]

You said you were going to leave your bf , why dont you stick to that plan and leave him . He deserves to be with someone who cares about him

[casey.lives]

If you were going to leave your boyfriend for him, then you should leave your boyfriend.

[That_girl]

I am 29 and my boyfriend is 26. The OM is 30.

[warshaw]

I do care about him- I just put myself first, my own needs, and my own desires. And I'll just have to live with it.

 

Its ok to put yourself first, most of us do. But to put yourself so far ahead of him that you lie to him and deceive him, that makes you a morally corrupt individual who is not suited to be in a monogamous relationship with anyone, except perhaps another cheater who would do the same thing to you and have no problems sleeping at night.

[starpower]

So you were planning on leaving your partner for this other guy. Now that the other guy has got what he wanted out of you and left you high and dry, do you plan on staying with your partner?

[Darren Steez]

Terrible judge of character? So if this guy spent a year wooing you, banged you more than once and gave you flowers would your judgement of his character be better?

 

If you're so unhappy with your guy that you plan to leave him then *gasp shock, horror* why not still leave?

 

Seems you've spent a year being unfaithful, why not just be honest, tell him then leave. Then everybody is happy.

[That_girl]

Terrible judge of character? So if this guy spent a year wooing you, banged you more than once and gave you flowers would your judgement of his character be better?

 

If you're so unhappy with your guy that you plan to leave him then *gasp shock, horror* why not still leave?

 

Seems you've spent a year being unfaithful, why not just be honest, tell him then leave. Then everybody is happy.

 

I am a terrible judge of character because I didn't get the sense that this guy was a player AT ALL. I didn't get the sense that he was just using me for sex.

 

He seemed perfect for me. We had spent a year hanging out without ANY intimacy at all- well at least not the physical kind. I confided in him about my current relationship (hence the emotional affair) Eventually things started to change and I realized that I might actually be falling in love with him.

He told me on numerous occasions that he wants to be with me (as in have a relationship with me), that he is waiting for me to leave my partner, and that he doesn't want to be with other women right now. The last time I saw him, he pretty much gave me an ultimatum and said that he has been waiting for me for practically a year, and that if I don't leave my partner he is going to start seeing other women.

 

My partner is a lovely person, and if I could take this all back I would. We have been having our problems since day one, and I chose to leave the relationship a long time ago- without actually closing the door. I do still plan to leave him. I am just broken at the moment. A lot of terrible things have been happening recently and I don't have a lot of strength or courage to do anything these days. This is of course another blow, and now I'm trying to get over two guys (while still living with one).

 

I am in therapy and my therapist is really trying to help me out but I can see that she is spent as well because I keep ****ing up. I have BPD ( I know how evil most people on this forum think we are) which is why I often have had trouble controlling my impulses. Thanks for the replies.

[dignifiedgirl]

Terrible people don't call themselves terrible.

People who were told how terrible they were as kids insult themselves this way.

So be happy , you have a modicum of goodness somewhere.

11 years on loveshack. That's a good portion of your life.

Skimming through your posts, I am wondering, were you s--ually abused as a child ?

I have sympathy for a lot of BPD women as they almost always have abuse issues.

I have read somewhere around 75% were abused as kids. (source american journal of psychiatry -vol 160 , issue 2 /2003)

If this is the sad case, have you taken the time to address it and also stop dating for a long period to heal and discover your real self ?

Good luck to you.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Simple question: Now that you've tasted the forbidden fruit or eaten your cake, are you satisfied, or are you gonna what more, when that trigger in your head is pulled by the next "perfect" guy who gives you attention? If you're not 100% sure that you'll never cheat on your boyfriend again, you owe it to him to break up.

 

 

It's highly unlikely that the monster in your head is going away on it's own, without an intense desire and a lot of painful work on your part What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of life do you want?

[Floveet]

"Philosophy Teacher"

 

haha.

I had one lurking on my GF few months ago.

Same kind of guy, she almost taught he was not playing but just sharing interest, playing a bit. Till he asked her out, she told me. We had a beer all together with his girlfriend, i told his girlfriend, showed her the text and put him back at his place.

 

 

Never heard of him anymore

I was the worst manipulator before and i can tell you, you can mess with someone life really easily if you put effort in it.

 

As other here replied already .... U fall for it, u betrayed ur boyfriend and wanted to leave him anyway.

 

So what, now that u realize u did **** with an ******* you will do what ? Stay with your former boyfriend you don't even give a **** about ?

That's sad. Really sad, you don't deserve him at all.

That Teacher taught you the best lesson in life.

When you are with someone, don't mess around or dump him before Or you will regret it.

[Leigh 87]

You obviously find it hard to keep your legs closed when you're around men you feel chemistry with.

 

I have been in dreadful relationships with men who didn't treat me well..... And had much better men throw themselves at me. And yet I didn't bite. I kept my legs shut despite liking the other guys more than my BF.

 

Gosh I feel so sorry for your boyfriend. The poor thing has been deprived out of a monogamous relationship.

 

He probably has no idea that he's in a relationship with someone disloyal

 

Either you lack empathy or you do feel bad and are just falling apart in your life.......

Edited September 14, 2015 by Leigh 87

[jbrent890]

Here is how I see this. I read some of your previous threads. I have to ask, is this the same professor you created a thread about a year ago? If thats the case, then that tells me that you saw this guy coming a mile away and you still proceeded to let him in. Not only that, in your previous thread, you had multiple people tell you that this would happen and warned you off, yet things still escalated. Originally, I wanted to believe that your boyfriend was the issue here, but quite honestly, I don't think the problem in the relationship is him, but you. You have very poor boundaries and a need to find the next best thing and I'm guessing this might stem from your BPD. Listen, I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do, but as it stands, I don't think you are relationship material at this juncture. I'm glad you are in therapy and my suggestion is to keep with it. I also suggest that you need to leave your boyfriend sooner rather than later. Stop waiting for someone else to come along and cushion your landing.

[PrettyEmily77]

You've made some very poor choices OP, but this doesn't make you a horrible person.

 

Are you on medication for your BPD, by chance? I have no personal experience of that condition, but from what I've read, once you've been diagnosed and are medically supervised, full remission is fairly common and there is no real reason for you to act on your impulses - BPD sufferers can make informed choices too, like any other person.

 

So putting your diagnosis aside for a moment, dwelling on the bad stuff you've done is one thing, but doing nothing about it is worse. Turn your focus away from yourself and talk to your BF without delay; he deserves to know what's happening. It's really time to take action, and to attempt to put a stop to the damage done - that takes priority over self-pitying at this stage.

[That_girl]

You obviously find it hard to keep your legs closed when you're around men you feel chemistry with.

 

I have been in dreadful relationships with men who didn't treat me well..... And had much better men throw themselves at me. And yet I didn't bite. I kept my legs shut despite liking the other guys more than my BF.

 

Gosh I feel so sorry for your boyfriend. The poor thing has been deprived out of a monogamous relationship.

 

He probably has no idea that he's in a relationship with someone disloyal

 

Either you lack empathy or you do feel bad and are just falling apart in your life.......

 

That coming about finding it "hard to keep your legs closed" is just disgusting, and not just in reference to me...just in general. It makes me sick to hear women talking about other women like this- you sound just like my mother. She was born in the 60's and has had very little education, so she has an excuse for making derogatory/sexist comments. Regardless of how disrespectful I have been towards my partner, let's not make this a slut-shamming thread please.

[That_girl]

Simple question: Now that you've tasted the forbidden fruit or eaten your cake, are you satisfied, or are you gonna what more, when that trigger in your head is pulled by the next "perfect" guy who gives you attention? If you're not 100% sure that you'll never cheat on your boyfriend again, you owe it to him to break up.

 

 

It's highly unlikely that the monster in your head is going away on it's own, without an intense desire and a lot of painful work on your part What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of life do you want?

 

I don't know what kind of life I want. I am almost 30 years old and I'm just kind of coasting through my life as though it were someone else's and I'm just helping to carry out the day to day tasks. Everything feels like an obligation to me...family, friends, my partner, work...everything. I hardly enjoy anything these days.

 

I am really working hard in therapy but I keep falling apart and every time I do, I lose a little bit more hope.

 

But to answer your question; I know what type of person I'd like to be. I'd like to be confident, self-sufficient, and most of all I want to be a good person. The type of person that people can trust, and the type of person that cares about others and helps others. I have managed to be that person at times- I have been a good friend, I love to help people at work, and I'm really good to my dog. But I don't think I ever learned how to love or trust a partner. In fact, I think I was raised to mistrust my partner so much that I began to embody all of my worst fears.

 

I was physically abused by a boyfriend when I was around 19- not surprising given my childhood. I managed to move on from that and not look back...little did I know that many years later I would become emotionally and even physically abusive towards my partner.

 

I want to hear from people that have changed. I already know what a horrible person I am. I just want to know if there is a light somewhere down this God damned tunnel.

[road]

That coming about finding it "hard to keep your legs closed" is just disgusting, and not just in reference to me...just in general. It makes me sick to hear women talking about other women like this- you sound just like my mother. She was born in the 60's and has had very little education, so she has an excuse for making derogatory/sexist comments. Regardless of how disrespectful I have been towards my partner, let's not make this a slut-shamming thread please.

 

I don't know what kind of life I want. I am almost 30 years old and I'm just kind of coasting through my life as though it were someone else's and I'm just helping to carry out the day to day tasks. Everything feels like an obligation to me...family, friends, my partner, work...everything. I hardly enjoy anything these days.

 

I am really working hard in therapy but I keep falling apart and every time I do, I lose a little bit more hope.

 

But to answer your question; I know what type of person I'd like to be. I'd like to be confident, self-sufficient, and most of all I want to be a good person. The type of person that people can trust, and the type of person that cares about others and helps others. I have managed to be that person at times- I have been a good friend, I love to help people at work, and I'm really good to my dog. But I don't think I ever learned how to love or trust a partner. In fact, I think I was raised to mistrust my partner so much that I began to embody all of my worst fears.

 

I was physically abused by a boyfriend when I was around 19- not surprising given my childhood. I managed to move on from that and not look back...little did I know that many years later I would become emotionally and even physically abusive towards my partner.

 

I want to hear from people that have changed. I already know what a horrible person I am. I just want to know if there is a light somewhere down this God damned tunnel.

 

 

I am sometimes not the best judge of harsh. Though I think you need to get a little tougher. You know you did the crime yet you complain that you now have to do the time.

 

 

Doing the time is all about facing the consequences. Stop using words such as but, and other words to do blame shifting, because all that comes across as making excuses.

You say you want to be the new improved version of you. That is a commendable goal. When you do not own up to what you did you are not changing for the good person that you want to now be.

[That_girl]

I am not telling my partner.

 

What good would that do for anyone?

 

It would devastate him.

 

I have chosen to live with the guilt instead. Unless I decide to marry him and have his children- I don't feel like now is a good time to tell him.

 

Thanks for all of the insight. Some of it was really supportive and genuine. Others were a bit judgmental. But it was helpful. Thanks again.

[Diezel]

Tell or don't tell, you need to break up with him.

 

You've broken that trust whether he knows or not. He deserves a much more fair chance at an honest relationship than the one you are "giving" him.