Considering leaving after 6 years

[Clarity123]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years altogether. Tomorrow we will celebrate our 6 year wedding anniversary and while I should be celebrating another year with him, I just feel indifferent and somewhat confused.

 

My husband has had issues with anger that have only seemed to be slowly getting worse. I recall the first experience being back in our first year of marriage, we were expecting our first daughter and in the last months of my pregnancy he would start to become easily agitated. It started off that he would throw things. One of the first of his episodes, we were going through baby shower gifts and he became stressed out going through them. He said something pretty hurtful towards me, I got upset and had to leave the house.

 

Over the course of 5 years he has resorted to throwing things (not at me), calling me names, threatening to hurt me, threatening divorce, threatening to take our children away from me and saying things he knows will hurt me. This past year has been the worst for us. I've left him a handful of times, claiming each time that I was done.. but I would come back hoping for a better outcome.

 

Most of his bursts of rage come out of the blue. Something that wouldn't bother him one day could completely set him off the next. It drives me nuts! This last incident was just a few weeks ago. I was joking with him, he took it the wrong way and blew up. It ended up with me packing up some of my things, him cursing at me and making me feel guilty for leaving.. saying, "You're a** is leaving over the fact that you can't shut your f**king mouth". He told me to get all of my things out by the next day or my sh*t is going to be out in the front yard and that he hoped I didn't come back. Calling me a "crazy b*tch" among mumbling other things under his breath.

 

I thought I finally had the strength to leave him. He even called me later that same day to tell me my puppy had an accident in our girls play room, wanting to know if I put her in there. Then he proceeded to get upset with me for walking out over something I did. He wouldn't even let me finish what I had to say before mumbling something else and hanging up on me. A few hours later, he called again.. still being defensive. I basically talked some sense into him and suggested marriage counseling, to which he reluctantly agreed to do. At this point, he has admitted that all of his outbursts have nothing to do with me, that I have done nothing wrong. He said he's just an angry and bitter person. He's trying to find acceptance in all of the wrong people. Work is stressing him out. He said he wants to get personal counseling, that we don't need marriage counseling. However, we can't afford counseling at this point in time. So, who knows when he will seek out the help he obviously needs.

 

Not to mention, he's spending money on things that aren't a necessity. He knows that he needs professional help but isn't making it a priority to get things set up.

 

I will admit, I've been unhappy in my marriage for a while now. Forcing a smile on my face when deep inside my heart is crying. I can't even look at him the same way anymore. My heart literally hurts. Even though he's claiming he will work on things, I feel like I have given up. I don't know if this is fair to him or not. I am at a loss as far as what to do. I have two beautiful little girls to think about.

 

I often think about the consequences that would come with a divorce. I think about how he would handle it, my two beautiful girls and our families who would probably disapprove. That and I worry how I would be able to stand on my own two feet. There are so many questions running through my head. What should I do? How do I change the way that I am feeling? What's my best option?

[BlueIris]

Get work ASAP. That’s most important.

Yes, you’ll be poorer at least for a while, but if you can wrangle a peaceful settlement with him, you can live just fine, and with peace in your home.

 

I was married to someone like that briefly, but we didn’t have kids together so it was much easier for me because I owned and stayed in my home. I couldn’t live with someone who thought and said such awful things about me, and whose behavior was so unpredictable. I sure didn’t want my kids growing up thinking that was acceptable.

 

You don’t HAVE TO be fair to him. He has broken the bond. “It” didn’t break. He broke it. His actions caused this. I’m not saying that to blame so much as to help you see that you have no obligation to be fair to someone who verbally and emotionally kicks you in the teeth, no matter how much he apologizes afterward. You have your own life to live and you have children you’re responsible for.

 

Do what you can to reach an agreement on the divorce and to get as much custody as possible. I think debating or hoping for some kind of overall truth or justice is pointless with someone like that- a waste of time. I don’t know if this is advised by experts, but I just took all the blame, said he was right that I was crazy, he didn’t deserve all I’d put him through, and he left furious about how awful I was and blaming the crazy b****. Perfect- he left.

 

Maybe read “Splitting” by Bill Eddy. Great how-to book on divorce. Very practical.

[Clarity123]

Get work ASAP. That’s most important.

Yes, you’ll be poorer at least for a while, but if you can wrangle a peaceful settlement with him, you can live just fine, and with peace in your home.

 

I was married to someone like that briefly, but we didn’t have kids together so it was much easier for me because I owned and stayed in my home. I couldn’t live with someone who thought and said such awful things about me, and whose behavior was so unpredictable. I sure didn’t want my kids growing up thinking that was acceptable.

 

You don’t HAVE TO be fair to him. He has broken the bond. “It” didn’t break. He broke it. His actions caused this. I’m not saying that to blame so much as to help you see that you have no obligation to be fair to someone who verbally and emotionally kicks you in the teeth, no matter how much he apologizes afterward. You have your own life to live and you have children you’re responsible for.

 

Do what you can to reach an agreement on the divorce and to get as much custody as possible. I think debating or hoping for some kind of overall truth or justice is pointless with someone like that- a waste of time. I don’t know if this is advised by experts, but I just took all the blame, said he was right that I was crazy, he didn’t deserve all I’d put him through, and he left furious about how awful I was and blaming the crazy b****. Perfect- he left.

 

Maybe read “Splitting” by Bill Eddy. Great how-to book on divorce. Very practical.

 

 

Thank you, I appreciate your response. I don't know why but your response made me cry!

[jen1447]

I don’t know if this is advised by experts, but I just took all the blame, said he was right that I was crazy, he didn’t deserve all I’d put him through, and he left furious about how awful I was and blaming the crazy b****. Perfect- he left.

 

That's a really good idea. It's not like you're trying to win any battles or sway him at that point anyway so why not fill the air with meaningless drivel just to appease him? The quicker he's out the door, the better.

 

Clarity, I agree that the situation sounds hopeless. You might be able to navigate your way a few inches back toward the center, but for what? So he can feel slightly more comfy being abusive again? Please end the usual chain of events and fallout and put an end to this. You're a person with dignity just like all the rest of us and you don't deserve that. Hugs.

 

p.s. if I was involved IRL he'd be at risk of a 're-education' visit from me at some point.

[BlueBlood]

Maybe that response made you cry because being an abused person is a very isolating and terrible thing, and you felt listened to finally? Just a guess.

 

Look. Look in the mirror. You are going to see a woman that is a victim of domestic abuse looking back at you. It's cliche but effective: if you saw a man treating your daughters like your spouse treats you how would you feel and respond?

 

Contrary to popular belief you don't need to be strong to leave. You just have to leave. And every morning you tell yourself today I'm taking one more step away. Take it every day just one day at a time. Some will be hard. Some will be real hard... But you can do it because there is no way you sound like the type of mama that wants her baby girls growing up thinking this is how healthy relationships work. You want them to grow up knowing they matter, their safety matters, their sanity matters. Your words say all that and more. Once you realize you are the only safety net between them and his anger, you'll likely snap into action.

 

You'll need a job, probably.

Your standard of living won't be what it is now in terms of house and money.

You'll have to get an attorney.

You may end up with a restraining order and police involvement if he harasses you.

 

You'll hurt.

 

You'll cry.

 

But if you stay you'll hurt and cry in scared stasis. Better to get out and move towards freedom. At least then your pain and tears are tears spent on the work of reclaiming your life as opposed to being used as some man's chew toy and mental punching bag.

 

You can do this. I did it, and I'm nothing special. I did it one bloody step at a time, my arms holding my babies and my eyes on tomorrow. It was hard, but worth everything. I look in the mirror now and see a mama that kept her word, to keep my babies as safe as I could. I look in the mirror and smile these days. I'm proud of me. You can do this.

[Clarity123]

I honestly don't feel like I have any support and have been feeling that maybe I'm being silly/crazy for feeling so much hurt right now. He expects me to give him another chance to make things right, to move on and to basically act like the past hasn't happened. Easier said than done, in my opinion.

 

Every time I have left, I went to my parents. Both of them excused his behavior, saying that he's only doing what he saw growing up and to work things out. This includes the one time I ran to them when he threatened physical abuse. Which brings me to the point that his dad IS verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to his mom.

 

 

I know if I were to leave, I'd be dealing with a p*ssed off spouse, hurt children, parents trying to talk me into fixing my marriage, his mom excusing his past behavior. Leaving me with no real support and that scares me.

[Clarity123]

Does he have any history of abusing drugs or alcohol?

 

 

Either way, you don't deserve this behavior from him and you should leave immediately.

 

Staying in an abusive marriage only shows the kids that this is their sense of "normal". Then they are likely to choose that for themselves when they get older because it seems "normal" to them.

 

I stay way too long. I hope you will choose wisely for yourself and your kids.

 

Go to a women's shelter if needed. See if there's an abuse hotline number in your area.

 

Be prepared to leave quickly. Gather your things together in case you need to leave in a hurry.

 

Do not stay and withstand the abuse. It will crush your soul/ spirit - I guarantee you that.

 

No alcohol or drug abuse. He drinks but casually and experimented with drugs as a teenager and young adult.

[BlueBlood]

I honestly don't feel like I have any support and have been feeling that maybe I'm being silly/crazy for feeling so much hurt right now. He expects me to give him another chance to make things right, to move on and to basically act like the past hasn't happened. Easier said than done, in my opinion.

 

Every time I have left, I went to my parents. Both of them excused his behavior, saying that he's only doing what he saw growing up and to work things out. This includes the one time I ran to them when he threatened physical abuse. Which brings me to the point that his dad IS verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to his mom.

 

 

I know if I were to leave, I'd be dealing with a p*ssed off spouse, hurt children, parents trying to talk me into fixing my marriage, his mom excusing his past behavior. Leaving me with no real support and that scares me.

 

Oh I know. Trust me, I know. My parents weren't supportive. My mom's response? "You can't leave! You have kids! Whose going to want you?" Cause you know, I was so concerned about attracting a man. I was frantic to escape one! I didn't want another! My reply to her was "I don't want romance!" and I was serious. God. The idea of living with another man had me shuddering for a few years after my first marriage ended. Ugh!

 

My minister told me to stay. I said "Well when can I leave? Would a broken nose suffice as a ticket out? A beat up face? What about a shove into a wall? At what point do I get your support?" He glared at me, and I never returned to that church. I did make a call and report his advice and counsel to church leaders. I found his opinion disgustingly dangerous. I later found out several other women were told similar things by him, one ended up in the hospital because she stayed. He lost his ministerial position not long after. Early retirement or some such bunk.

 

It was hard. My ex was nasty. He didn't want me and he didn't want me to have freedom. Police had to get involved. It was for me, embarrassing upsetting, exhausting. But so was living with him! So at least in leaving I was suffering for a better outcome, and not just waiting for the other shoe to constantly drop.

 

I went back to school. My parents came around after a few months. My mom apologized and cried, and told me that she was sorry she had not believed me but my dad and she decided that no matter what, if I was unhappy, if I was scared, I deserved better. And they did step up and help 110%. It wasn't overnight, divorce to them was something that only happened to other families. Not theirs. It took them time.

 

I lost friends. Some disapproved. Weirdly the folks I always thought to be able to count on let me down and people I never thought to lean on proved themselves true friends and strong supporters. Life is funny that way. The Universe sends just who we need when we need them, was my experience.

 

It's scary. I was scared, but I can't claim bravery. I just felt that I had no options save stay in his corner hell (no thank you) or reclaim my life and soul. This princess saved herself and left the dragon in the dust.

[BlueIris]

My minister told me to stay. I said "Well when can I leave? Would a broken nose suffice as a ticket out? A beat up face? What about a shove into a wall? At what point do I get your support?" He glared at me, and I never returned to that church. I did make a call and report his advice and counsel to church leaders. I found his opinion disgustingly dangerous. I later found out several other women were told similar things by him, one ended up in the hospital because she stayed. He lost his ministerial position not long after. Early retirement or some such bunk.

 

I loved your whole post. So much so true.

 

But for this part^^^, I just want to say, good for you. You did everyone a great service by doing that.

 

OP, people won't necessarily understand. I guess you could ask your dad, very conversationally, to get his insight: "Dad, what would you do if mom screamed <give the actual words your H has used, exact quotes> in your face?" and ask your mom the same. Just quietly. To get their input. In my experience, people are incredibly uncomfortable with a question like that.

[Clarity123]

He's incredibly sweet and affectionate any other time. It's just so confusing for me.

[Clarity123]

I loved your whole post. So much so true.

 

But for this part^^^, I just want to say, good for you. You did everyone a great service by doing that.

 

OP, people won't necessarily understand. I guess you could ask your dad, very conversationally, to get his insight: "Dad, what would you do if mom screamed <give the actual words your H has used, exact quotes> in your face?" and ask your mom the same. Just quietly. To get their input. In my experience, people are incredibly uncomfortable with a question like that.

 

My mom can be verbally abusive. My dad, being the submissive person that he is, would probably laugh it off or dismiss it. So, neither of them have really been of much help when it comes to my situation.

[Clarity123]

Of course he is. Most abusers are nice at times to keep you coming back for more.

 

It's not worth it.

 

My abuse lasted 23 years. I hope you don't stay that long.

 

Would it be utterly wrong of me to leave even though he said he's willing to seek professional help though?

[Mr. Lucky]

I basically talked some sense into him and suggested marriage counseling, to which he reluctantly agreed to do. At this point, he has admitted that all of his outbursts have nothing to do with me, that I have done nothing wrong. He said he's just an angry and bitter person. He's trying to find acceptance in all of the wrong people. Work is stressing him out. He said he wants to get personal counseling, that we don't need marriage counseling. However, we can't afford counseling at this point in time. So, who knows when he will seek out the help he obviously needs.

 

Not to mention, he's spending money on things that aren't a necessity. He knows that he needs professional help but isn't making it a priority to get things set up.

 

I'd move heaven and earth to make MC happen, reallocating expenses as necessary. Doesn't imply any commitment on your part but both provides you time and gives you a voice. Lots to think about here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Clarity-Z]

Good evening, Clarity123. Since we have similar names, you can just call me "Z"

 

There are so many questions running through my head. What should I do? How do I change the way that I am feeling? What's my best option?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this... It seems like you want to leave, but feel that trying to make it work is the "right" thing. I imagine that conflict tears you apart inside. Good news is that this is a sign of someone who we might call a "good person." You have empathy, which is something that perhaps your husband lacks a great supply of. This hits home for me, not because I am a woman who went through this, but because I love a woman in a similar situation. Like you, she married someone she loved, but soon after came horrible treatment. She wants to leave, but had a great deal of guilt and fear. Even though she's very intelligent, the guilt, fear, and feelings of insignificance that were hammered into her over the years kept pushing her back from empowerment to hopelessness.

 

I hope that some of the "why" applies to your situation and helps clear the fog. I hope some of the "how" and rationale helps as well. You might need to get a cup of coffee, I went a bit hog wild on this post.

 

 

Abuse

You listed the following behaviors:

- throwing things [physical intimidation]

- calling me names [degradation/humiliation]

- threatening to hurt me [physical intimidation]

- threatening divorce [emotional intimidation]

- threatening to take our children away from me [emotional intimidation]

- saying things he knows will hurt me [degradation/humiliation]

- making me feel guilty [guilt triping/shaming]

 

I classified these things just off the cuff. All of them are forms of emotional abuse, while throwing things and threatening to hurt are also forms of physical abuse. Physical? Yes - sneaky ones that are hard for people to recognize and will often dismiss as "not physical abuse" because there's no actual mark to show. Other examples are "blocking exit from a room," "holding someone in place," "getting in someone's face," "slamming things down" or "flailing arms about" very close to someone.

 

I feel that emotional abuse, and "sneaky" physical abuse even more damaging than something that leaves a physical mark. You cannot call the police and show them your "bruised heart." The shakes, racing heart, and panic from the fear that was just inflicted upon you won't get him removed from your home. You cannot show these "emotional marks" to friends and family, and they won't ask you "what happened to your brain/heart/self esteem/worth." It can go COMPLETELY unnoticed for years, or even a lifetime.

 

When you talk to friends and family, you can express how you feel, but they cannot feel it directly. If friends/family like your spouse, then it's hard to express the extent of the abuse so vividly. (Cultural and family norms come into play here, as well.) If your husband seems like a "great guy" to everyone else, that makes it even tougher for them to wrap it around their heads. Good people also do not want to mar the image of those they love, and if they responded "in kind" to abuse, they may feel like they don't have "the right to." I'd imagine that all of this can combine to make one feel very alone; trapped.

 

His behaviors line up with something called "narcissistic abuse." [Note: This does NOT mean they have NPD. I'm not a doctor, just an Amateur Expert ] A person (male or female) who leans towards the narcissistic side doesn't really love their partner unless their partner is exactly how they imagine them to be. (Has anyone reading grown up with a parent that constantly belittled, shamed, criticized, and was dissatisfied with the other parent? I have. If so, then ding, that person is using narcissistic abuse.) The partner is only an extention of the narcissist. If you feel like you cannot be yourself, if you cannot do anything right in his eyes, or you are simply "not good enough," then it is very likely that you are on the receiving end of abuse.

 

"Most of his bursts of rage come out of the blue. Something that wouldn't bother him one day could completely set him off the next."

"I was joking with him, he took it the wrong way and blew up."

 

I'd wonder if he doesn't sort of "soak up" all of the "needs" of the family? Does it seem that there's little room for attention to others' needs because he's always the focus of attention? When those "needs," or what is called "narcissistic supply," aren't met in some way, or are directly "attacked" (insult, or even a harmless joke), then does that sudden mood shift happen to reveal Mr. Hyde?

 

The good news is, like your husband said, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm sure, like us all, you aren't a total angel. It does take two to tango, but sometimes, one of us LEADS. His abusive behavior is indeed all about him, whether he can articulate it or not. Does it seem as if to him you must be a particular way? Does that extend to the kids? The house? The play room? Does it seem that there is little room for individuality or growth that isn't dictated by him?

 

Not My Fault!

"You're a** is leaving over the fact that you can't shut your f**king mouth."

 

Sometimes jokes are taken the wrong way, sure. Sometimes we use the wrong words or delivery while joking around. I'm assuming this joke was an innocuous one that a reasonable person would not be offended by. In that case, I wonder if he accepts ANY jokes that involve him? Cursing and guilt trips as acceptable responses? No. Being told I can't shut my f**king mouth? Wow.

 

I wonder how many things are HIS fault? How often is he "searching" for who is at fault for some "crime," whether minor or major? Does it seem that everyone else is to blame for the misdeeds of his life?

 

Counseling (Staying)

"... <I> suggested marriage counseling, to which he reluctantly agreed to do."

"He said he wants to get personal counseling, that we don't need marriage counseling."

"...we can't afford counseling at this point in time. So, who knows when he will seek out the help he obviously needs."

"He said he's just an angry and bitter person."

"He's trying to find acceptance in all of the wrong people."

"Work is stressing him out."

 

I'm curious as to the timing of the statements... In my personal experience, after a deep discussion about his spouse's unhappiness, he agreed to go. The following week, however, he backed out of that agreement in an angry and not-so-nice way. The same words were added, "We don't need couples therapy." His behavior and emotional abuse continued. Months later, after finding out about the affair and her not budging about wanting a divorce, HE suggested couples therapy. They went, and he domineered the sessions to be ONLY about the cheating - not about the marriage or his abuse. It didn't last long after that.

 

"Even though he's claiming he will work on things, I feel like I have given up."

 

Couples counseling CAN be effective if both partners love each other and agree that they WANT to treat each other better. The goal has to be mutual and truthful, otherwise it simply won't work. It will definitely NOT work if either partner is trying to "fix" the other. It will NOT work if they are unwilling or unable to work on themselves; their own contribution to the problems. It seems like you are willing to work, and he is not.

 

--- Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt ---

"I have two beautiful little girls to think about."

"I often think about the consequences that would come with a divorce. I think about how he would handle it, my two beautiful girls"

"our families who would probably disapprove."

"That and I worry how I would be able to stand on my own two feet."

 

I noticed something about all the above statements. These are very real fears, but they can also be things an abuser would use against you to control you and make you stay. This happens in every case of abuse, because using fear, guilt, shame, and doubt are all tactics used by an abuser to control. Making YOU feel like the crazy one, the selfish one, the guilty one.

 

Dirty Tricks (This can be him saying it, or your "FUD" in your mind. They're intertwined.)

- "I can't believe you'd tear this family apart/take my kids from me!" (guilt) Gutwrenching... Really a dirty trick because it assumes so many things.

- "I'm going to fight you/take the kids/it's going to be a messy divorce!" (fear)

- "You're going to ruin our children's lives!"

- "Your family will disown you/hate you forever!"

- "The kids are going to hate you!"

 

Two Beautiful Girls

"I will admit, I've been unhappy in my marriage for a while now. Forcing a smile on my face when deep inside my heart is crying. I can't even look at him the same way anymore. My heart literally hurts."

"This past year has been the worst for us. I've left him a handful of times, claiming each time that I was done.. but I would come back hoping for a better outcome."

 

Wow. Two beautiful girls to think about... To me, that's the answer to any fear tactic, uncertainty, or doubt you have. Parents will do anything for the children they love, and they want to do the BEST thing. Having been brought up in a similar environment as you describe, I think the questions I'd ask myself are:

 

- "Is it really healthy for my kids to stay in this environment?"

- "Can I really give my kids all of the attention and guidance they need when I'm unhappy?"

- "Can I imagine a better, happier life for all of us if we were apart?"

- "Would I love my children any less?"

- "Is it possible that he/she might be happier with someone else?"

- "Is it possible that he/she might love, appreciate, and give more time to the children if we were separated?"

- "If I were on my own, would I go the extra mile to make ends meet?"

- "Do my kids/family/friends/husband want me to be happy?"

- "Can my children truly be happy if *I* am not?"

 

I have recently read My Abusive Marriage: ...and what i'm doing in it I'd highly recommend this book, which is based on the author's blog, documenting the last year and a half of an 18-year abusive marriage. I see it not as a "how to" or "this is why" book, but rather a true life account that one can relate to.

------------

 

I hope at least some of this helps... And I hope wasn't too brief.

 

=Clarity-Z=

[TunaCat]

Clarity,

 

I am begging you to leave this man. Please, please leave this man. I watched my mom be in an emotionally abusive marriage for nearly 12 years and I wanted her to get out so badly. I am forever thankful that she realized that she was better than the way she was being treated.

 

My now ex stepdad would tell her to "shut the f up" among other things and whenever I stepped in to defend my mom, he turned his verbal abuse to me. I was older than your girls, so I understood that this wasn't a marriage I'd ever want.

 

If you leave the marriage, you're showing your daughters that it's not okay for anyone, man or woman to be abusive and that if anyone is ever abusive to them, they should leave the relationship because they deserve better. By staying in the marriage, you're teaching your daughters to accept this behavior from their future spouses and that's not okay.

 

I'm livid with your parents as well for not helping you. So what, your husband's father was abusive to his mother. That does not mean he gets a free pass to be abusive to you. A good man would have recognized that how his dad treated his mom was not okay and he would make damn sure that he'd never do it to his wife.

 

Who cares how he would deal with it. He is not your concern. Your concern should only be for yourself & your daughters. My half brother was barely ten when my mom finally left his dad. He adjusted well to things. He had always been super quiet in the marital home, but once the split happened, my mom and I could see him opening up more and more. Now he's such a social 14 year old. Leaving the marriage was the best thing my mom could have done for my half brother, for myself and for her.

 

Oh, and as far as your husband being nice some of the time, that's the cycle of abuse. It's called the honeymoon stage. There's also the build up stage that happens right after the honeymoon stage and then the violent stage that happens right after the build up. It goes round, and round like that.

 

Please think of yourself & your daughters right now.

Edited September 13, 2015 by TunaCat

[loveboid]

I suspect the reason parents and other people close to you advise you to stay is they don't want to deal with him or you taking refuge with them. It's self-serving. Sad but true.

 

I would talk to a woman's shelter. They are set up to take you in therefore they will advise you to leave. Edit: Even if you don't stay with a woman's shelter, they will give you expert advice on how to leave safely. They will also give you emotional support and validation. They will give you further resources of support.

 

You don't have to change how you feel. You just do what it takes to leave. The most dangerous time for a woman in a relationship is when she leaves it. Plan and prepare in secret and leave when he's gone. Never see him again. Talk to him through cops, lawyers, etc.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. He's manipulating you by guilt-tripping you. You aren't guilty. You don't owe him an apology. You don't owe him more of your time. You don't owe him anything.

Edited September 13, 2015 by loveboid

[Clarity123]

I'm still with him..

 

The plan as of right now is that because things are so "tight" financially for us, he's waiting until next month to get set up with a therapist. The reason why is because that's when he will receive a bonus from his work.

 

I actually told him yesterday that I wanted to leave, whether or not I should have opened my mouth is questionable. His initial response was that he thought I was cheating on him. Then, he basically said he couldn't believe I would give up on our marriage so easily, that he stuck by my side when things were rough for me. Last year, I had to be hospitalized for depression and anxiety. It took me months to get myself right. He was actually pretty supportive, aside from the couple of times where he lost his patience with me. He's apologized for his behavior and asked me not to give up on him.

 

I know part of it is because I still love him and want to see him succeed. It's also because I can be too good of a person and possibly naive. I don't know if getting professional help will lead him in the right direction. I know he'll probably continue to struggle and have episodes. I don't know if I should continue to just allow them to happen. Should I just put my foot down and walk out the next time it happens? I know for sure if I did that he will tell me exactly what he told me yesterday.

Edited September 14, 2015 by Clarity123

[Clarity123]

I don't think he fully comprehends the damage he has done to me. Over the course of the past few weeks I've really shut down. When I told him that I wanted to leave, he said, "Am I really that horrible of a person?!". I've told him several things he has said to me out of anger. Usually, he'll look at me like I'm crazy, tell me that he never said that or say I'm just making it up.

 

I don't know how much he will benefit from getting professional help.

 

This is the last resort.

[jen1447]

Should I just put my foot down and walk out the next time it happens?

 

Put your foot down and walk out right now. He's had his chance and he already blew it, and now he's already manipulating you again.