Gave Him a Deadline...2 months to go and he acts like nothing was ever said

[surely]

Okay SO I gave him a deadline

 

I know a lot of you out there would say that's the wrong they to do but for me in my relationship I think that he is the type of person who needs a little nudge or he could wait until we are 90

 

SO we have been together for 3 years and I told him that by August I wanted a ring or that I was going to have to move on

 

The reason for this is that I am 22 and he is 23. We are both in the prime of our lives. I am VERY VERY VERY much in love with him, but I want to know where this is going. I don't want to be together for like 8 years before he decides to make a move. I want a family and kids and I want to be young when I do these things. I want to start having kids when I am 27 or so

 

He tells me that he wants the same things and our relationship is great. I am not asking to get married right away (maybe within a year or 2 of being engaged) but I want an action that follows the words that the wants to spend the rest of his life with me

 

I guess my question is what kinds of signs do I look for the he is going to meet the deadline> the thing is our relationship is great right now and I want to know if he is just stringing me a long thinking that when it comes time I won't follow through...

 

I don't want to bring it up again but it really bothers me that it doesn't look like he has given any more thought about it

 

Any suggestions?

[westernxer]

Deadlines are wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

You're putting pressure on the two of you and it just might backfire.

 

Why the rush to the ring? Let me guess... it's a status issue.

 

Your line of thinking is unhealthy. Everything in your relationship is about you. I feel sorry for him.

[surely]

It's not a status issue at all, but I want to know where are relationship is going now. I understand if he is not ready to commit but it has been three years and if he is not ready then I am ready to move on. This has nothing to do with how much I love him but with the fact that if he doesn't want to commit then we are on different pages of our life and may never reach the same page. Also I gave the deadline and I was not asking whether giving a deadline was wrong or not. I know it was right for our relationship as i have said before

[westernxer]

You're certainly entitled to a status check, but not an ultimatum. You're both in your early twenties... hardly the prime of your lives. Isn't he already commited to you by having this relationship?

 

Why is it right to give a deadline? Explain, please.

 

Maybe it's just me, but something's not right here.

[surely]

I feel that is was right to give a deadline because I am ready. I understand that this is selfish and he might not be ready. But then you ask how long do you wait for someone to be ready? I am the type of person who knows what they want out of life. I am in my 3rd year of med school and so I am used to long term planning. I want to know if our goals in life are the same and if we are headed on the same path. For me that path mean engagement and later marriage. We are very much in love and I would wait a year or 2 to get married after we are engaged but if he doesn't want to get married or engaged I think that I should have a right to know that. You say that it seems like something is wrong, why?

 

I think that a deadline is like giving a push, sometimes men need this otherwise they will drive in the wrong direction for hours. Nothing is wrong with our relationship but for me it is time to know where we go from here and if we have to go in different directions while it would be sad I would rather know now.

 

Also would you give a person years of your life without knowing where that was going? I see nothing wrong with a status check and for me that check is deciding to be engaged or not be engaged. You told me earlier that i was being selfish, but the guy is also selfish if when you give a deadline he doesn't just respond with I am not ready and instead accepts and gives you the idea that he is okay with that?

[westernxer]

Fair enough, but I'd have to question his motivation for having this relationship if you have to kick him in the ass just to get him to marry you.

 

Has he mentioned wanting to marry you in the past, or is this something you recently thought up on your own? Does he want to get married at all? Do you talk about your future together, or are you assuming it will all come together with a little pressure?

 

From the way you're describing it, it seems to me like he's very happy just keeping the vehicle in cruise control. Always a red flag when one person thinks they have to force the issue, but maybe he just likes to kick back and enjoy your company for what it is.

 

Maybe others on here will come to the rescue and offer their own opinions. To me, ultimatums are a sign of things to come... none of them good.

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by surely

I feel that is was right to give a deadline because I am ready. I understand that this is selfish and he might not be ready. how long do you wait for someone to be ready?

 

one thing i never understood about girls who give deadlines is this...

 

if you love the person so much that you want to marry them, HAVE to marry them, and NEED them to you marry you RIGHT NOW...then why is it so easy for you to say "i will leave you if you don't..."?

 

that doesn't sound very loving...or logical. it sounds like you just want a ring and a wedding and the right to say "i'm married."

 

you don't push someone you love into doing something they don't want to do.

 

it sounds desperate and sad, and as you said yourself, selfish.

[Shaaz]

You didn't mention whether you had any discussions before the ultimatum. It is good to talk about plans for the future and marriage. The problem is that now you've turned it into a confrontation. If he proposes, is it because you "made" him? If he doesn't, is it because he doesn't want to be with you forever, or because he doesn't want you to call all the shots? Nobody likes to feel manipulated. You are probably on the offensive -- it sounds like you might be mad at him for not communicating with you, and that's going to affect the way the two of you interact. Plus, you probably are starting to feel insecure, if you didn't already!

 

You gave him a deadline -- but now it sounds like maybe you didn't mean it. Was it just a bluff? If it was, depending on how you've talked about your relationship in the past, you might want to enter into a mature discussion. For example, you could say, "Maybe I made a mistake when I gave you that ultimatum. What I really meant was, I love you and want to spend the rest of our lives together. I hope you feel the same way about me, but I'm worried I handled it badly and messed something up." Or something. See what he says.

 

If it wasn't a bluff, if you really, really meant that you needed a commitment soon or else -- then I hope your guy is as serious as you are. If he's not, I wish you the best of luck with what will be a really upsetting & sucky breakup!

 

Lastly -- I know you are probably only going to be annoyed by this, but 22/23 years old is actually really young, especially if you guys started dating in college. You may need to give yourselves a few more YEARS together. There are a lot of changes that are happening in your lives as you get used to being outside of school, and it may be worth waiting. You want to have kids at 27 -- you've got lots of time to figure this stuff out.

 

[bTW - I think it's a little harsh for some of the others to suggest that wanting to move the relationship into the next step -- i.e. making a long-term commitment -- is always selfish or status-seeking. If the other person doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about them, then it's not necessarily healthy to stay in the relationship. And getting engaged is the way our society signals that commitment.]

[westernxer]

Originally posted by Shaaz

[bTW - I think it's a little harsh for some of the others to suggest that wanting to move the relationship into the next step -- i.e. making a long-term commitment -- is always selfish or status-seeking. If the other person doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about them, then it's not necessarily healthy to stay in the relationship. And getting engaged is the way our society signals that commitment.]

 

You're right, but ultimatums are not healthy. Can you blame people for reacting this way?

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Well, I guess the "signs" you would look for that he is going to "meet your artificial deadline and capitulate to your ultimatum" would be things like a large chunk of money missing from his bank account, perhaps a trip to a jewelery store, or maybe even a receipt laying around?

 

Sorry, but I have to agree with the others. Either you love someone or you don't. There are lots of good reasons to leave someone, but that you would leave him for lack of a piece of paper after only 3 years when he has told you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you is, well... I don't know what your BF does, but if he is also in med school, has it occured to you that he may wish to finish med school, or even residency (which is going to be hell, by the way) before popping a ring, and doing the whole family thing? If he feels that way, does that really mean he doesn't love you, or that he is jerking you around? I think not.

 

If the thought of leaving him (especially for something like failure to comply with your ultimatum) doesn't make your stomach turn, and if you could actually go through with leaving him forever over soemthing like that, you don't need to be marrying him anyway. Sometimes people date seriously and/or live together for 5 or 6 years or more before making it official. Also keep in mind that if things in your relationship are as wonderful just the way they are as you say, would you really throw that away for lack of paperwork or a ring "right now"? Don't get me wrong, I think marriage is great, if everyone is totally into the idea, and BOTH parties are totally comfortable with everything it means AND the timing of it, but it is not something to be rushed into, coerced, or done under duress. I hope you wouldn't really leave him for failure to meet your ultimatum, but quite frankly, if you can, you would be doing him a favor.

 

If you want an honest opinion, he is probably trying to forget you ever said it thinking you probably just said it out of frustration and didn't mean it, because he doesn't want to think of you, the woman he loves and who he would like to spend the rest of his life with, as someone who could actually say something like that, let alone actually do something like that to him. If a woman I was in love with, and wanted to marry eventually, started control stuff like that by putting me on a rigid clock with a horrible ultimatum, it wouldn't do anything to convince me to marry her sooner, and would pretty much kill the romance that is supposed to be associated with something that is supposed to be as special as asking someone to be my wife. I would just be thinking about whether she was actually serious or not when I was deciding whether or not to walk away as painful as that would be, and it would cause me to seriously question her love for me and possibly her motives for wanting to marry me in the first place. If I truly loved her, I would probably be doing exactly what he may be doing, desperately trying to forget about it, refusing to think about what her ability to say that to me means, and just trying to enjoy the relationship hoping that she did not bring it up again, but knowing that if she did, I might have to say goodbye as much as that hurts because she was playing games with me. If he is willing to forget it, I suggest you do the same.

 

Think about it. "I love you, I want you, I want to have children with you, you complete me, I want to spend the rest of my entire life with you, BUT no ring by August 1, 2005, and I'm LEAVING YOU FOREVER! Such love... If you are just a little frustrated, that's one thing, but like I said, if you could really go through with leaving for that particular reason, I suggest you do a rethink on marrying him at all, because it sure sounds like you just don't love him enough for that.

 

Good luck to you, and please do some thinking.

[surely]

alright so you guys have all said that I am rushing him and even though its been 3 years that it's not long enough

 

First to give you more information, he is not in med school. He just graduated from college

 

SO then let me ask you all how long do you wait, what time "limit" is it acceptable to give a deadline or say move on. Marriage is important to me and I don't believe in sex or living together until you are married.

 

No matter how much you love someone I think that you have to be on the same page. Would I have gotten the same response if I had said My boyfriend chews and i gave him a deadline that he had to stop chewing if he wanted to stay with me. This is because chewing causes cancer and I don't want to spend years in a hospital watching him go through chemo. what would have been the response then "oh a deadline something is wrong in the relationship he will stop chewing when hes ready.: well hey what if he is never ready do i forget how I feel and squelch my own feelings just to keep the relationship a live

 

For me now getting married is the right thing in THIS relationship, if he does not feel the same way all he has to do is tell me and then I would know it's not meant to be because we are on different pages of our lives. But to wait 8-9 years and then to be having this converstation....I don't see why that would change the outcome ( and please don't say to know him better because we have known each other for a LONG LONG TIME)

 

SO please don't put having a deadling and how much youlove someone together. I love him very much and I probably always will no matter what he says, but if we are not going the same direction in our lives I would rather find out now then 8 years down the road

 

P.S I have a friend who has been dating the same guy since highschool (that's about 8 years now) she has brought up marriage along this time period and he has always said he wants to get married. She has just sat back to let things happen and still nothing and now a year later they are broken up. Maybe if she had had this converstation earlier about the direction they both wanted to go in then she wouldn't have wasted the dating experiences you get in high school and college because she already had a boyfriend

[westernxer]

Surely, I understand your feelings about wanting to get married. Surely, I do (no pun intended).

 

Marriage is a noble aspiration, and you definitely don't need to wait 8 or 9 years for a ring to be put on your finger. Sometimes marriage is the only logical outcome.

 

However, has he ever brought it up? Or is it something you just happened to think up in recent weeks? Do you know for certain whether he wants to get married at all? Have you talked about it previously?

 

You didn't answer this last time, and I think it's important that you shed some light on it for us, so that we can see the situation more clearly. So far we only know your point of view.

[faux]

The deadline was definitely wrong. I don't see any viable excuse for saying "Marry me by this time, or I will leave". Sorry.

 

If you love this man so much, and want to marry him, why won't you wait until he is ready? You can't make him be ready to marry you.

 

Also, twenty-two is a bit young, and him being twenty-three might not help, either. I thought that most people planned marriages when they were in their late twenties, or early thirties. How does your boyfriend feel about the whole marriage issue?

[SexKitten]

marriage and chewing are very different things. wow.

[scarlyjones]

Hey,.............Mrs. ME-ME-ME..............ever stop and wonder whats right for HIM in this relationship. Better yet,.....ever ASK him what he wants? Maybe he's NOT ready yet. Maybe he wants to acheive his dream before he settles down. His own practice,...established in his field. You said you think your relationship with him is great right now. Well,..this ultimatum will KILL IT. You dont hold a gun to someones head and say "Marry me or else" He will resent you for the rest of your life. Everytime you guys argue and you make the mistake of using the words "marriage", "Wife", "husband" or any other matrimonial word,....he will respond with bringing this very issue up. Like "I TOLD you I wasnt even ready to get married" or "You MADE me propose to you" In his mind,....because he thinks you made him get married to you,....ALL fights and problem within your marriage will be YOUR fault.

[scarlyjones]

You also need to take a real close look at your selfishness. You are looking out for you and you only. YOu will never have a lasting relationship until you conquer that problem first.

[RecordProducer]

Surely, you surely did the right thing for letting him know what you want. You have a right to know what somebody else plans (or doesn't) to do with your future. But it sounds to me like you're both too young. I got married when I was 23 and had twins right away, but my ex-husband was a huge mistake. Of course, people make mistakes at any age, but what I am saying is: you don't want to push him into marriage if he is not ready. That will be his excuse for lots of sins in the marriage. You need HIM to propose to you.

I gave my BF the ultimatum, but we don't have the opportunity to be together unless we get married. We can only see each other once in a few months. And he accepted the ultimatum. But my BF is 48 and not 23. Plus he was talking about us being together in the future almost every day.

You have a lot of time before 27 or 30 or 33. I understand you think he is the one, but what if he is not sure that you are the one?

Have you finished school? Do you work and are both financially stable?

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Well, your views on not wanting to have a full relationship (including making love and perhaps living together) until after marriage does explain some of the rush to the altar I suppose, but I still think it is a bad idea to force his hand to ask for yours.

 

I pretty much stand on what I have said so far. I respect your viewpoint (which is probably religion-based) about the limitations you place on relationships without marriage even if I don't agree with it, so I won't suggest you do a rethink on that, but again, I do think that explains a lot of the rush.

 

The fact that this man has been with you for 3 years without any physical intimacy or living together does say a lot about how much he loves you I think. If he can wait, perhaps you should give some thought to whether you can wait too, and reconsider your ultimatum. You said you are in med school. Do you really want to have kids and start a family before completing residency anyway? Talk to some residents. We're talking 60-to-80-hour weeks, on-call 24/7 even on those rare occasions when you are not at work, low pay, and sleeping half the time at the hospital in many cases (of course depending on what your specialty will be).

 

If you are really trying to understand his reaction (or lack thereof) to what you said, I still say that he is probably feeling pretty awful about what the woman he loves said to him, and he is trying to forget you said it because he cannot reconcile it with his feelings about you, and the feelings he thought you had about him (people who deeply love each other are not able to make those kinds of "you do X, by Y, or I'll flip the switch and it's over" kinds of statments and mean it, at least not about something like getting married). Then again, maybe he will pop a ring on August 1, like a good boy. One never knows. If he does that though, I'm not sure it is a good thing, since that should really be something that two people decide together because everything feels 100% right, not something one does because they are ordered to do so now, right now, or lose everything.

 

Best of luck to you. If it is meant to be, you will let it go and it will happen naturally (perhaps 1, 2, or 3 years from now), or he will pop a ring out of fear of losing you (if that is how you want it to go down). If it isn't meant to be, you will check your stopwatch, and dump the man you love so much to go find some other guy who will marry you in a hurry just because it is the socially acceptable thing to do. I hope the right thing happens, whatever that might be, for both of you.

[grencija]

well, I think you are doing the right thing. may be you are approaching the subject a little bit too aggressively, but I think you are on the right track.

 

if you have discussed the issue before and nothing has come out of it the ultimatum might have been the right thing to do.. but if you havenot... then you might have overreacted.

 

try to talk to him again and ensure that he has understood the message (but before - re-think what was the message - may be you actually did not mean ultimatum?? may be you just wanted his asssurances that he wants to marry you? let him know that you are serious about marriage)

 

Anyways, I believe that if a men truly loves a women nothing will scare them away, even ultimatums. if he doesnot take this and you guys split up - then it was ment to be that way. because you are smart girl and you knew that you could not wait for longer.. because it hurts to think that you want to your BF more then he wants you. because it is distractive to long and wait for commitement.. and it is humiliating to ask for marriage.. but give him time, at least a little and tell him how the situation makes you feel. and that this is really having an impact on your relationship... that you feel unhappy because of all of this. and therefore the relationship is making you unhappy....

 

and life doesnot stop - you will find someone who will want to marry you... just be a little bit more open from the beggining what are your wishes so they know. best of luck

 

PS - dont take me to seriously, I am not an expert and dont want to impose my views, but that is what i think

[wowzers]

Just jumping in here to say:

 

Your both in school or juuuust getting out of school .. that, to me, equals no money!

 

Your both in your 20's and too young into your twenties to get married. You change as a person sooo much in your early 20's to your later 20's..

 

and lastly, surly - NO MAN WANTS TO FEEL FORCED INTO ANYTHING AND I MEAN ANYTHING... and this statement is coming from me, a chick!!

[Elmo]

Well, here is my take on your situation. It is blunt.

 

I think your bf just does not want to marry you. If he did he would have asked. Men ASK women to marry them when they want to. They do not if they are not into it.

 

He likes things as they are. I know you don't get this, but please get out of your own "me, me, me" drama and just entertain the thought.

 

If he is a strong man he will probably not respond to your previous ultimatum. Your blood will boil. You will obsess. You will finally shreek at him that it's now or never and he will choose never. In a heartbeat.

 

Now, if he is a weak kind of guy....he may give in to your ultimatum. Congratulations....you are going to be married to a weak man. Be prepared to make every decision.

 

A bit of time will pass after the big, formal bridezilla wedding YOU plan and spend your joint funds on which he totally doesn't care about....and YOU will start planning for kids. He won't. YOU will. He will be wishy-washy, just as he was with the marriage thing.

 

You give him another ultimatum. YOU want kids or YOU'RE leaving!!!

 

So you have 1 or 2.

 

Then a funny thing happens. A shift in the balance of power occurs.

 

He expects YOU to take care of them. Totally. He's not interested. Gone alot. Doesn't seem really as enamored with them as YOU thought he'd be.

 

YOU give him another ultimatum. YOU want help these kids or YOU ARE leaving.

 

At this point he will be relieved that the bully is finally going to get off his back and he will find a less demanding mate so quickly your head will spin.

 

Sorry...I've seen this before. If you have a weak bf and have to bully him into marrying you...he will be a weak husband that you have to bully into doing anything else. But, believe me, he will resent the hell out of you and eventually run away screaming.

 

Just my opinion, but something to think about. It used to be called nagging. It's a turn off. If you want to get married, move on and find a man who wants to marry you.